My heart was missing a piece. There was a constant pain that resembled a dull ache right where a specific place of happiness used to be. It wasn’t like it would go away while the day progressed and only come back when I thought back to the events that had happened. There was a permanent emptiness that refused to let me do anything other than mourn.

After walking the entire distance home from the hospital, Jack had carefully helped me take off all my clothes and washed my body as I stood there helplessly in the shower. Ever since I had climbed into bed, I hadn’t come out. The covers were pulled to my chin and I made no signs of wanting to get up the next day. Jack understood and let me stay, occasionally trying to get me to eat something, but I didn’t have an appetite for anything.

That was four days ago.

I hadn’t moved from my spot in bed, except to quickly go to the bathroom. That was the only exception. I hadn’t showered, eaten, or done anything to show that I was taking care of myself. But that was the whole thing; I wasn’t taking care of myself. I couldn’t while I knew Cameron was never going to text me again, call me again, surprise me again, or even walk in on me and Jack during the most inappropriate moments. He was officially gone.

The only thing that still needed to happen was the funeral, which was going to take place two days later.

But there was one minor problem. While my parents were busy trying to organize it all, and Tay was at their house trying to cope with her loss, I refused to show up. I didn’t want to listen to family members talking about him like they were really close; I didn’t want people to give me their condolences; I didn’t want to witness my brother being cremated.

My parents had contacted Jack several times after not being able to get ahold of me, and told him to convince me that coming was going to be good for me. He honestly tried, but I wouldn’t have anything of it. If I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t going to go. Cam would understand.

“Hey, Isle, Rian and Cassadee are here,” Jack told me from the doorway in a quiet and calm voice. “I’m sure Cassadee would love to meet you.”

I was facing away from him, hearing every single word he said to be, but not being in the mood to ever reply. All he got was me ignoring him, or if he forced me to look at him, blank stares. He tried so hard to cheer me up a little, but unless he managed to make Cameron come back, nothing was going to work.

“It’s a beautiful day outside; the sky is blue and there is frost covering all the leaves. Maybe we can go outside to the park and take some pictures?” He suggested next, trying to use my own previous hobbies against me. Normally, I would have jumped up in excitement to be able to have the chance to take pictures in such an environment, but I couldn’t care for it now.

“Or we could possibly watch a movie downstairs?” He proposed next, taking a couple of steps into the room. However, he didn’t get a response out of me. “Well, I brought you some toast. Would you like to eat that? I’ll just place it on your nightstand for you… as soon as I remove the breakfast, which I see you haven’t touched.”

This was the least effective way of communicating with me. After failed attempts of asking me a couple of questions and trying to get me to smile a little, he’d come in and give me whatever food he thought I might want to eat. He’d take the untouched food from the last time he tried, and then he’d quietly leave the room again without saying another word. Not even Taco could get a reaction out of me.

Just as he said and I expected, he picked up the small bowl of dry cereal and replaced it with the plate with two pieces of toast on top of it. He gave me longing stare, as obvious by the way he stood there for a while and sighed, but I continued my gaze towards the floor. Turning on the balls of his feet, he begrudgingly stepped towards the door once again.

But something different happened this time. He stopped before he managed to leave the room, putting the bowl on the dresser. “You know what, Isle? I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. You were doing so well, I’m not letting this ruin you.”

If only there was still a thing that could ruin Cam, but he had to be alive for that.

“I understand that this is difficult,” he whole-heartedly told me and climbed into bed behind me, “I might not have lost one of my siblings, but I can imagine the pain. I just want you to do what Cam would do. Sure, he’d be upset, but he wouldn’t let it take as much control of his life and he wouldn't refuse to go to your funeral. Don’t be afraid.”

But I still didn’t move and inch. I had heard his speech about doing ‘what Cam would do’ way too often. It was all the same. I was sure Cam would be just as distressed as me. Only he had had some more time to prepare for it that me.

Jack continued in a calmer tone. “I know that you don’t want to say your last goodbyes to him, but--”

Before he could continue, tears started spilling from my eyes. That was all I needed to hear. Nobody knew how hard it was to never have been able to say a proper goodbye to him, I didn’t want it to be at some service with so many other people.

I rolled over for the first time, hiding my face into his dark blue shirt. The sobs wracked from my body, allowing the heavy pain inside of me to come out. Jack seemed so shocked to finally have gotten a reaction from me, let alone one this big, that it took him a while to wrap his arms around my fragile shaking body. I had been numb since the hospital, but now everything was coming out.

----

Much much later that night, around two or three am, I was wide awake. Jack was turned away, facing the other side of the room, while I was back in my usual position. This time, however, we weren’t apart because of my behavior, but because Taco had curled up between us. It wasn’t that I suddenly changed after my breakdown, because I didn’t talk afterward, I just allowed Jack to hold me and kiss the top of my head while he tried to comfort me. Although it wasn’t a sudden improvement, it was still a step forward.

But, that night, something had decided to keep me up. After a certain dream, I felt like I was making a mistake. It was a flashback to when I was in the hospital and Cam was there visiting me. His words kept repeating in my head. Back then, I thought he was trying to encourage me, but now it just seemed like dramatic irony. It was too coincidental.

When I reached out to check my phone, I had many missed calls and text messages. Most of them were from my parents, but I decided to ignore all of them except for one. Everybody was sending me elaborate texts, asking me how I was doing, trying to give me encouraging words, but Tay’s was the one that made me feel the best. All it said was a simple ‘hey’. Nothing else. I quickly texted her back, hoping the light wouldn’t wake the person sleeping behind me.

I slowly slipped out of bed, careful not to shake the creaking bed too much to scare Taco off, which would then manage to wake Jack. After stretching out for the first time in awhile, I sneaked towards the closet and took out the first clothes I could find and something I knew I needed. It was just for two days, I didn’t need much.

After picking up a backpack, I stuffed the clothing into it and put the extra shoes on top. Knowing it wouldn’t matter all too much if I forgot something and that toiletries weren’t necessary at all, I tiptoed over to the door and did my best to open it without making the door handle squeak. It was like it was mission impossible; it sounded like the loudest squeak it had ever made. I cringed inwardly, however Jack continued to sleep soundly.

As soon as I was a couple of steps into the hallway, I was able to go much faster and not care too much about small noises that the house would make as I moved swiftly. Once downstairs, I opened the cupboard next to the alcohol cabinet with a key I had hidden in a drawer in the kitchen. Jack had never really realized that I had started locking it, let alone that I had been hiding something in here. It wasn’t terrible if he ever found out, it was just something I wanted to keep for myself. Only Cam and I knew about it.

I cautiously slid the box out and put it down on the table. After turning on the standing lamp close by, I lifted the lid and looked at the contents inside. It wasn’t much, just a couple of pieces of paper and some photos. Although it would seem like some worthless possession to anybody except for me, I knew the sentimental value. These were the speeches Cam and I had written for each other to give at each other’s funeral, the photos we had chosen to go along with it, and a small note of the song we wanted to play.

I put down the small velvet box containing the ring I had gotten from it’s hiding spot in the closet, and set it down while I reached into the larger cardboard box to find out which pieces of paper were from Cam to me. It wasn’t all too difficult, since he had organized them into two piles before giving it to me to keep.

I picked up the small binder that was enclosed around all the paper and went to lay it down on the table, however before I could to that, a letter addressed to me fell out. I didn’t recall either of us ever writing a letter for the other… He even wrote my name in his best handwriting. While I was curious as to what it was, I couldn’t get myself to open it, as if the information inside of it was only going to hurt me further.

Quickly flipping it over so that his loopy ‘i’ wasn't staring right at me, I looked for the paper that he had written his speech on. On the other side of a lined piece of paper with obscure doodles on it, were his carefully picked words. While skimming over them, I knew I couldn’t leave it in a box. I had made a promise to Cam, and I wasn’t going to break it just because of how upset I was. He would have done the same for me.

I grabbed everything I needed and put the lid back on the box when I heard movement behind me. Expecting it to be Jack spying on me, I snapped my head towards the sound, only to be making eye contact with Rian and a girl, who I only recognized from pictures, while they were coming downstairs. Not wanting them to see my face that probably was still red and puffy, I turned back to what I was doing, and scrambled all the paper together.

“What are you doing up?” Rian asked with genuine surprise to see me.

“I could ask the same.” My voice was much quieter and weaker than I had expected, but then again, I hadn’t spoken in days.

He shrugged and walked up to what I was busy with, Cassadee (Rian had told me about her before, so I knew this had to be her) stayed behind a little. “Jetlag. Jack told us we could come downstairs if we wanted.”

I turned around to put the box back in the cabinet, the haunting letter along with it. “Could you tell Jack I’m going to stay with my parents’? I don’t want to wake him up--”

When I looked back, I saw that Rian had opened the velvet box and was looking at the ring placed delicately in it. “Hey, don’t touch that!”

“Sorry.” He quickly snapped it closed and placed back on the table, jumping a little from my scolding. “Is that yours?”

I didn’t reply and picked up both the binder and the small box before hauling my backpack on the table and carefully stuffing them in there as well. I didn’t remember Rian being so curious about stuff without getting permission to look at something first. Maybe Jack had told him that I didn’t show any signs of life for such a long time. It might just seem weird for me to be downstairs at this hour, and maybe he was trying to figure out if I did this every night.

“Is it Jack’s?” Rian asked next, wondering if Jack had been keeping a secret from him and I kept looking at it for some weird reason.

“No, he’d be stupid to propose to me.” I zipped up the bag, having to squish down my clothes to be able to close it completely.

“Whose is it then?”

“Cam gave it to me to keep safe. His car flipped when he came to pick it up.” I deadpanned, making Rian look like he had just done something absolutely horrible. I slung the bag onto my shoulder and started making my way towards the front door. “Tell Jack I’m at my parents’ and that I’ll see him at the funeral.”

“You’re leaving at three am?” He asked next as if he hadn’t realized before that I didn’t want to talk to him.

“Tay knows I’m coming, she’s waiting for me.”

And with that I left the house and drove to my parents’ house, my heart beating with fear the entire time.

Notes

And we're back! Well, it didn't take longer than normal. But it's up and now I can't get out of it anymore. What do you guys think so far? Should I change the cover or does this work?