This Four-Leaf Clover is All But Useless Now

In and out, in and out. Alex and Annabelle were smashing hips on his bed. Scrabbling at his back, Annabelle threw her head back in ecstasy. He moaned loudly, sweat glistening on his upper lip. He leaned down and plastered a sticky, stubbly kiss to her neck, his body quivering. Annabelle sighed and he flopped beside her. Annabelle wriggled into his arms, their skin sticking together. Alex was leaving for tour so soon.
“I wish you could come with me.” He said. They were gone for seven months. When they got back to America they had another three months touring. Ten months total. By the time All Time Low got home, Annabelle would be virtually finished with school. She pressed herself closer to him, disregarding the sweat. He pushed the hair away from her face.
“Me too,” Annabelle said, the idea of doing her final year of school was daunting, and she honestly couldn’t be bothered, “but I need to finish.” Alex understood. Annabelle wanted to get into university, make something of her life. Lately she had been exposing herself slowly to her father’s life. He had offered her the guest room in his huge house while she was finishing school. His new wife was super awesome, and his children were lovely. Annabelle thought he had created the perfect family. As much as she tried to resent him for it, she couldn’t. She enjoyed the time she spent around him. However she was still deciding whether she wanted to live alone in Christine and her old house. As much as it was full of things that reminded her of her shithead of a mother, she thought she might enjoy the peace.
“Have you decided where you’re gonna live yet?” Alex asked, his eyes fluttering with fatigue. Annabelle shrugged and he held her tighter.
“Not really.” In reality, Annabelle’s thoughts were preoccupied by wondering what life would be like after school, after the tour. She was concerned about her and Alex’s relationship. She didn’t want to bring it up in case he thought she was being paranoid. She realised that thoughts like that meant she sort of was.

“How’s outpatient programme going?” He asked, he hadn’t talked to her about her therapy in a week or so, she seemed to be eating regularly so he didn’t question it.
“Good, I guess.” She said, he nudged her so she would elaborate, “Some of the people are dicks. But I’m kinda a dick, too, so we get along.” Alex didn’t really get what she meant, but he felt like it was probably something she couldn’t explain. During her programme she regularly saw her psychologist, and took part in group therapy. Most of the time it was bollocks, but some of the time it helped.
“It’s kind of messed up.” Annabelle said. Alex grunted in a questioningly manner. “Me, I mean, I’m kind of messed up.”
“I’d loudly deny it,” Alex began, “but it’s true, so…”
Annabelle laughed, nudging Alex playfully, he resumed his tight grip, preventing further attacks against him.
“It’s like, I never really realised that my thoughts were so destructive, that they were so insane.” She said, “And it’s really hard to change.” Alex opened his eyes fully, and kissed her temple. “Sometimes I don’t even know if I want to change.” She said sadly, staring at the place on Alex’s legs where the hair suddenly thinned out. Alex didn’t know what to say.
“Maybe don’t think about it like that.” He finally said, “You’re not changing yourself, you’re still my gorgeous Annabelle, but you’re just acknowledging and then saying fuck off to the thoughts that make you unhealthy. Everyone has those thoughts. I have those thoughts. But I love what I do, and I love you, and my friends, and family, and experiencing life. So negativity can go fuck itself with a spiky dildo.”
Annabelle laughed. “Man, you know just what to say.”
“Is that sarcasm I detect?” Alex poked Annabelle in the side, making her squeal. They both laughed, letting silence fall again. Annabelle continued.
“Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I mean, wouldn’t it be so much easier to just not live. Like, I’m gonna finish school, then go to university, then get a job, then get a husband, then make some babies, then deteriorate until I die. It just seems so empty, so artificial. Like, I’m not looking for some grand point; that would be stupid. There is no point, I get that. I just, feel like everyone is some sort of… travesty. Or maybe I’m the travesty.” Alex was quiet. Letting this sink in. Annabelle hadn’t opened up this much to him before. He knew she was a deep thinker, but he had not understood the extent of this depth until now. How far the rabbit hole went, he did not know. But he wanted to find out, he had to choose his words carefully now.
“So you don’t enjoy anything enough to want to keep living?”
“I never said that.” Annabelle said. “I’m trying to say that…I dunno. I’m no good with words. You’re the word man.” She smiled at him, and then resumed staring at his leg, “I guess it’s like, suicide is such a taboo subject, it’s so abhorred. But why should it be? We don’t get a choice to be alive, shouldn’t we get a choice to die?” This point resounded with Alex. It was true to an extent.
“I suppose we should. But y’know, people always think what if things get better. Like, don’t kill yourself because things could always get better. You could begin enjoying life.”
“But it’s not about enjoyment-“
“Isn’t it?” Alex replied, “I mean if there’s no real point, then we’ve just got these vessels, we’re just bodies with brains that react to things and make us feel certain ways, so why not fill ourselves up with good feelings while we’re around. Like you could feel sad all the time, sure, but you could also just…not.” Annabelle thought about this for a bit.
“I don’t think it’s that easy for some people, the chemicals in their brains are fucked up.”
“I guess that’s true, but sometimes I feel like people like feeling sad.”
“Yeah, it’s very self-indulgent isn’t it?” Alex indicated for Annabelle to elaborate, “Like, in the old days life was quite community based, like the role of the individual in a community, you know,” Alex nodded, kind of getting what she was saying, “but today is so individual focused, like, you have to be special, you have to be better than everybody else. It’s not all for one and one for all anymore. Its just one.”
Alex raised his eyebrows. “I guess so.”
“But anyway, don’t worry, Alex, I’m not gonna commit anytime soon, I just think it’s interesting.” Annabelle grinned, kissing his bicep, which was the closest thing to her lips. Alex smiled down at her, and lifted her chin so their lips would touch.
“Thank God, I don’t think I could deal with that.”

***

Kara and Annabelle were at the airport. Annabelle started school tomorrow. She had decided to move in with her dad and his family. The band and crew were checking in. Soon, everyone was saying their good-byes. Annabelle hugged each of the band members one by one, recounting in-jokes or funny times. She was leaving Alex until last. When she reached him, her anxiety got the better of her.
“I think we should take a ten month break.” She blurted. Alex looked astounded. “Wow, I didn’t just slap you in the face with a wet fish.” She said, referring to his expression.
“Kinda feels like you did.” Alex replied, he grabbed her arms. “What the fuck are you talking about, woman?”
“I mean, you’re going away for so long, and I’m worried you’re gonna like, y’know...” Alex gave her a look to signify that he didn’t. “Like meet some amazing girl…and…yeah…”
“Annabelle, are you insane?”
“Kinda, yeah, I mean I am seeing a psych..so..”
“Shut up, you know I don’t mean it like that.” Alex laughed, and then became too serious, “Annabelle, it is actually not possible to meet a girl more amazing than you.” Annabelle blushed. “Sure, I’m not gonna see you for a while, but we’ve already promised to Skype gratuitous amounts, email, text, etcetera. Long distance relationships work, stress less, it’s only ten months.”
“Remember, I’m just a daydream away!” Annabelle winked, “I’m just worried about you, I mean, how you're gonna go without angry passionate sex for this long.” Annabelle semi-joked.
Alex smiled mischievously, breaking out into the tune of a P!nk song, “blah blah blah, it’s me and my hand tonight!”
“I think the lyrics are ‘you and your hand tonight.”
“Yeah, precisely, me and my hand tonight.” Alex replied, “Don’t forget you’re just a daydream away.”
“Oh my god.” Annabelle began laughing, and Alex caught her up in a hug. “You’re literally the worst.” Alex chuckled and began pecking her head, spotting it with kisses. “I feel like you’ve just transformed into a bird.”
“Perhaps I have.” Alex replied. She broke the hug just to check. They both cracked a smile. “Okay,” Alex began, “I’ll make you a deal.”
“Oh, I wanna hear this.”
“If you don’t break up with me, I promise to pick you up on your last day of school.”
“I’m not going to remind you, if you forget consider it the end of our relationship.” Annabelle told him straight-faced, Alex waited for her to break, and she did. They both laughed. Though, ten months was a long time. Who knows what could happen. Alex pressed his lips to hers, a lengthy kiss goodbye. Annabelle tried not to cry as she gripped Kara’s hand, waving the boys goodbye as they walked through the international terminal. In the car on the way home, she asked Kara how she did it, how she went so long without seeing Rian.
“It’s actually probably how we’ve lasted so long. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. We appreciate the time together so much more. This type of relationship doesn’t work for a lot of people, but it seems to work for us, so…” Kara glanced at Annabelle, “You and Alex will be fine. He loves you so much.”
Looking out the window, Annabelle knew it was true. But how much did she love him? She hoped that she would be so busy with school, with assimilating into her new family, that his absence would not be missed…too much. It was then the tears started to roll. Alex had been the only good thing in her life in so long, and now he was gone for such a long time. The stretch of months ahead of her seemed completely unbearable without him at her side. In the car, she acknowledged this thought. Then she told it to fuck off.

Notes

This was the last full chapter. Only the prologue to go.