Jack leaves Saturday night and I spend Sunday doing absolutely nothing apart from taking Max for a walk in my pyjamas because I am that kind of a lazy person.
Monday comes around too quickly but as it is another working week until Jack will be back from tour on Friday, I have my activities all planned out.
Beside my social outings I want to use this week to get my appearance on fleek for his birthday party the weekend after.

So I consider paying a visit to the hairdressers, the nail parlour, the waxing place, the eyebrow studio, all this ridiculous and expensive little helpers to make you beautiful that I normally wouldn't bother going.
This time though Jack's sister May had announced she would be attending the birthday gathering and as we haven't met before I want to make a good first impression on her.

I also came up with an idea for a gift. I tracked down the artist who designed Blink182's 2002 tour poster. The exact tour that little 14 year old Jack saw Blink live for the first time and that made him want to become a musician himself. At least that's what Jack had told me.

I was in negotiations about buying the original artwork for this poster and with the help of my boss Martin who knew a lot of influential people in the business I hoped to succeed.

Just before lunch break I get a FaceTime call and I am surprised to see not only Jack but also Alex sitting on the couch of the bus together.
"Hey guys!" I greet and apparently I am not hiding my confusion very well as Alex immediately looks at me and seems remorseful.
"Hey, Mickey" he mumbles looking down, then he sighs deeply and lifts his head up again, "Just wanted to see your face and say sorry for how I acted towards you last week and I hope you can forgive me and forget about it. I have apologised to Jack as well." He turns to look at Jack to see him grinning and patting his shoulder.
Oh, so they're back to being best buddies apparently.

I gulp, why does he apologise for what he told me on the phone? Does that mean he regrets telling me how much he misses me and thinks of me?
What exactly am I supposed to forget?
I voice none of these questions though but smile unconvincingly and try to even out my voice.
"That's okay, Alex. I understand that you were under a lot of pressure. Water under the bridge." I wave off dismissively but my insides churn with disappointment. Was this all a lie?

He smiles and seems relieved then he slaps his thighs and stands up. "So I guess, I leave you two to talk. Thank you Mickey and see you soon." With that he walks out of view.
I can't help and feel rejected by his apparent change in attitude towards me. All the nights with whispered confessions, hushed pleas and raw emotions and now he acts as if we're nothing but good friends. I shake my head in frustration but decide to focus on my boyfriend instead.

I look up at him, "so you two made up quickly, I see." I point out the obvious and Jack doesn't notice the edge in my voice when he grins and tells me.
"You know how it is Mickey, bros before hoes!"

He only realises what he said once he sees my face fall. "Hey, babe, I was joking okay?" He sits up and comes closer to the screen. I cant help but feel hurt and my expression apparently shows my emotions as he sighs and rubs his face.

"Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say. But I thought it's best to not dwell on what happened for too long, we have another week of shows to play and I am sick of this tense atmosphere. The fans deserve the good vibes they have paid for and I'm determined to deliver that."
The fact that he just brushed off his stupid remark as if it was nothing angers me.

And all these different emotions that both boys put me through bubble up and I grab onto the edges of my table as I ask him. "And what have you two been up to, now that you're apparently besties again?"

"What do you mean?" Jack asks confused.

"You know what I mean, have you been doing stuff, now that you're alone without an annoying girlfriend or wife to disturb your cute romance?" I spit at him, I don't even know where this is coming from but there is this burning pain in my stomach and I can't stop the words spilling out without second thought.

"What? What are you talking about, we agreed on taking a break with this and that's what we do, Alex doesn't even try and be more than a friend. That is difficult enough at the moment." He cocks his head to the side and narrows his eyes at me.

"Tell me Mickey" he asks and his voice is getting sharper with every word, "who are you jealous of exactly, me or Alex?"

I draw in a sharp breath as I search for an answer, a wave of sadness washing over me, I feel so alone, disconnected from both of the guys and the life they are leading that is so completely different from mine. I fail to see how we can even connect on a deeper level when we come from opposite directions and go down different roads. Maybe this is all a deception and there never was truly an understanding between us in the first place? Just a short encounter at one certain point in time before we all move on to go our seperate ways.

"I - I don't even know this is too much for me, all this drama and these contradicting emotions. I have the feeling you both are just playing with me for your entertainment and when you had enough you'll gonna dump me and look for the next victim." I break down out of nowhere and
realise I have tears streaming down my face.

"Mickey," Jack asks sounding softer, his voice laced with concern, "what's up with you? You never said you felt this way, what makes you think that, nothing of this is real, you are making things up in your head. Please stop this, we had such a good time together." He pleads.

I know that he might be right but I am all riled up now and I start to tremble with nerves. "I don't know Jack, but I can't do this right now. I can't deal with you guys at the moment so I'm gonna stop this call and I suggest we give each other a little space for the rest of the week." I press the button to end the call although Jack is still trying to talk to me and then I turn off my phone and chuck it in my bag. I'm still shaking and press my hand to my mouth to stop a sob from escaping.

And just like that we're back to square one, the boys having this unbreakable bond and me feeling left out and getting insecure, wondering if I will ever be good enough.

I don't really know what just happened all I'm sure of is that I need to get out of this office and get some fresh air, so I take Max and we go to the park for my break although the weather is cold and rainy. It fits my mood perfectly and so I walk along the familiar path with Max running around me in circles and I ignore the drizzle slowly seeping through my shoes and jacket. What have I done?

When I get back I'm drenched and Martin tells me off for dripping all over his carpet.
What a great start to this week!

Another few hours and I'm finally home after this days work. I fall into bed exhausted not even bothering to make something to eat, I'm not hungry anyway.

......

I wake up and my eyes are hurting, my throat is sore and I struggle swallowing the glob of spit that is stuck in the back of my mouth. I groan and sit up but fall back immediately into the pillows as I get all dizzy. I feel my forehead and realise my skin is burning hot with a fever.

Oh no! It seems like I caught a cold while in the rain yesterday or maybe I had already been sick and that was the reason for my breakdown? I don't know and it hurts my brain to think at the moment.
I whine childishly and it turns into a squeak because my nose is blocked as well. I hate being sick, even more so because there is nobody there to look after me.

I utter another whine when I remember there is also nobody to look after Max. All my friends are working, my parents live on the other side of the country and the two guys that promised to look
after him are on tour together. I knew why I couldn't have a dog! This is all Alex's fault!

I slowly try to get out of bed again and shuffle over to my closet to look for a scarf and hoodie to put over my pyjamas. I cough a few times and wipe my runny nose on my sleeve, I don't even care because I feel gross anyways.

I put Max onto his leash and slowly make my way downstairs, coughing and sneezing. I only make it to the little green patch behind my apartment block when I'm exhausted and while I wait until Max has relieved himself I lean against a tree and pull out my phone to call in sick for work.
The second I turn on my phone it starts dinging as the notifications of missed calls and text messages come in. I roll my eyes and don't bother looking but tap my work contact and report my illness to the front desk with a croaky voice.

After I end the call I have to steady myself on the tree trunk as another wave of dizziness washes over me, I start sweating and feel nauseous. So I call Max to come back and squint at my screen to see four missed calls and five text messages.
I trudge upstairs and fall to the couch once I reach my apartment. My heart is pounding from the effort and I sit still for a while until I feel better.

Then I look at my texts.

From Jackybear: Baby im sorry dnt just cut me off :(

From Jackybear: Mickey pls answer ur phone! :((

From Jackybear: i luv u I dek what happened?

From Jackybear: what did I do? xoxo

From Alex Asshat: Jacks really sad what's going on?

I dump the phone beside me on the couch and pad to the bathroom only to find out that I'm also on my period.

When I crawl back to bed I curl up as my cramps start and I cry a little because I feel like I am at an all time low.

Notes

I don't know...