When I get home I quickly take Max for a walk around the block and then I crawl into bed tired and dreading to go back to work the next day. It feels weird being alone after this week of constantly being around so many people 24/7.
So I lightly whistle in the dark and immediately I hear little paws thumping over the carpet as Max comes running.
"Hey, Maxie," I pat the bed to encourage him to jump up. He doesn't hesitate and attacks me happily with his tongue. "Sh, sh, calm down boy, you're allowed to sleep here but only this one time and don't tell Jack, he always claims he is the only 'dawg' in my bed." I giggle and hold him in my arms until he stops jumping and snuggles into my side.

.......
I get up the next morning and have to admit I'm glad I'm back in my routine. Maybe a life on the road isn't for me.
The first thing that I see when I get into work is a desk full of unopened mail, probably all demos from bands and my boss Martin who greets me with a, "good that you're back, there's so much work left unfinished and I expect a complete report on the tour with assessment and suggestions for future improvements." He is almost out the door when he adds, "by tomorrow."
I just fall into my chair and roll my eyes. A report. Where are we? In High School?
My whole motivation from this morning has deflated and I swivel around in my chair contemplating of going to the team kitchen and getting another coffee although I already had one on the way here.

I decide I start with going through the pile of letters as that seems like more fun. I will bullshit my way through this report tonight at home. Actually that's what I used to do in High School all the time.
I snort, I'm the worst employee, it's not like I hate my job, it was always my dream to work at a record label but I wanted to actually deal with the recording and mixing process, instead I got stuck in an office job doing administrative things all the time.
Am I ungrateful? Probably.
Does it have to do with my bad mood because my boyfriend is away? Maybe.
But honestly, it's always the guys at work who get promoted to do cool stuff, only because it's a male domain, that's so unfair. I mean I have a Bachelor in Audio production from SAE just like them but what do I do? Opening letters and writing reports. Psh.
I didn't notice I had been staring at my desk grumpily for quite a while when my phone rings.
I quickly feel around in my bag to find the object and happily accept the call when it shows 'Jay Jay' as the caller.
"Hey baby, what's up? did you sleep well? I miss you!" I splutter down the line and hear a chuckle followed by some yawning on the other end.
"Hi Mickey, I miss you too and yes I slept okay. I'm out with the boys having breakfast."
"Say hi for me, and how are things with Alex?" I ask cautiously.
He huffs, "well I went straight to my bed when we left last night and this morning as soon as we arrived here in Oakland he leaves with Lisa saying they will be staying in a hotel."
I hum to affirm I heard him so he continues, "I guess we will not be hanging out together much and it's not just me, he seems to avoid everyone. Rian says he will try and talk to him tonight. That is if he arrives more than five minutes before we have to go on stage." I hear him talk to someone in the distance then he is back.
"I don't really know what's going on inside his head and I'm afraid he doesn't even want to be touring with us anymore." He ends sounding worried and sad.

I'm worried too. We all know that if Alex decides to go solo, that would be the end of the band.
"Hey, Jack, no don't think so negative, maybe he is just going through a rough patch, he'll come around. I mean, when you went off at him like that he probably wants to keep his distance until you've cooled down."

"Do you think it's my fault?" Jack asks and it doesn't sound like he's offended but like he genuinely wants to know.

"No! No, it's just we don't know his motive behind his actions, maybe he fears you will get into a fight with Lisa and he wants to keep you two away from each other." I say, trying to find excuses for Alex. "Maybe he didn't even want to take her along." I suggest.

"Yeah but maybe he is just a dick that doesn't care about anyone but himself." Jack adds defensively.

"Mhm, yeah maybe he is," I repeat sadly.
I feel that since we agreed to this polyamory everything went pear shaped and now we're stuck in a situation that we don't know how to resolve.
I sigh deeply and change the subject because there is nothing I can do about it at the moment so I try to at least cheer up my boyfriend which works as we mindlessly chatter and joke for a while. Then I have to go back to work and he has to go back to the bus so we end the call on a good note.

The rest of the day flies by and my desk is half empty by the time I can leave work. I take Max for a walk and then I have to go grocery shopping as my fridge is empty. When I come home I quickly make some Caesar salad with chicken as I crave something healthy having eaten fast food all week. And then I sit down on my couch with the TV running and my laptop balanced on my thighs to start this report. A whole pot of green tea sitting on the table to keep me going.

Having to summarise this whole week for Martin, gets me thinking about everything that happened with the guys and myself. Of course I mention nothing of that in my report but in retrospect I realise how careless and naive we just dove into the whole ordeal. Being egoistic and disregarding each others feelings and hurt. And I'm talking about all of us. Jack and I tried and talk it out between us but what about Alex? We didn't care about his feelings, was he hurt, was he feeling jealous or insecure ? Probably. In a way Jack and I just used him because we knew he would take every bit he could get from us. I had never looked at it that way and it made me feel bad.

Jack didn't call me again that night but I wasn't worried. I realised after being on tour with them how different their time schedule is to a nine to five job. He was probably still out and about when I would already be in bed sleeping.
So that was what I was going to do, now.
I closed my laptop and got up yawning, went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and crawled into bed. Max was already waiting beside the bed to join me which only shows what a clever puppy he is!

My phone buzzing on my nightstand wakes me up again. I must really learn to put it on 'Don't disturb' before I go to sleep.
I fumble around in the dark pressing the button without opening my eyes to the blinding screen.
" M'hello?" I sleepily mumble.
"Mickey?" Someone whispers.
"Alex?" I ask but still look at the screen to confirm that, yes it is him.
"Mickey? Do you remember when we were in this little hotel by the sea up in Oregon?" He continues to speak in a low voice.
I furrow my brows, where is this coming from, this was over 18 months ago?
"Yes, Alex I do remember but why are you calling me to ask this now and where are you calling me from?" I don't know what's going on.

"I'm at a hotel and Lisa is asleep in the room and I'm sitting here in the empty bathtub of the bathroom, it has a skylight and I can see the stars. Remember that night in Oregon, we looked at the stars together."

I'm confused. What is going on? Is he delusional? Why does he call me out of the blue with his wife sleeping in the other room? Is he drunk? Or high? Another breakdown? God knows!
I ponder how to respond for a moment so while I'm quiet he continues, "I looked at the stars and then back into your eyes and I couldn't decide which ones shine brighter. I miss us. I miss you."

I draw in a shaky breath as his words had an effect on me. I remember that night clearly as it is one of my fondest memories. Apparently for him, too.
"A-Alex, what's going on? You distance yourself from everyone. Why?" I have too many questions that swim around my head so I just ask what pops up first.

It's quiet then I hear him chuckle but it doesn't sound happy. "Because you all hate me. I saw your faces when I announced that Lisa was joining us. She said that if Jack can bring his girlfriend on tour for a week she should be able to come as well. I couldn't argue with that."
He makes a pause, I'm just about to speak up to tell him nobody hates him and that he is being paranoid when he continues, "But I can't control myself when I'm around you or Jack. That's why I couldn't say goodbye to you. My lips are forever drawn to the curve where your neck meets your shoulders. I was afraid I wouldn't have been able to stop myself and kiss this spot. I cannot let her see the way I look at Jack and how I gravitate towards him whenever I get too close. I can't. I just can't. But it's hurting so much. I feel so alone. Mickey, I need you." He is almost sobbing at the end.
Oh my god! What am I supposed to do? What can I do, I'm hundreds of miles away!
"Alex, no, you're not alone! I'm always just a phone call away. And Jack is not really mad at you, he'll be there for you, just tell him you need a hug. It'll do both of you good." I try to reason with him.
I still don't know what happened that made him call me but I focus on calming him down and cheering him up. He keeps whispering these confessions about how he misses us the way we were.
That tugs on my heartstrings as he stirs up emotions and memories that I have been trying to suppress.
In the end I tell him I need to get back to sleep as he doesn't seem to want to cut the call any time soon.
"Can I call you tomorrow?" He asks sounding like a lost boy.
"Of course you can but now you have to go to sleep, okay? Stop worrying so much, everything will be alright. love you. Goodnight, Alex." And I press the button before he can respond.

I fall back into the pillows emotionally drained by this phone call and hold my buzzing head.

Notes

I'm not really happy with this chapter but I gess that's as good as it gets. I just want to put it out and try to get over the hump as I'm struggling with my writing atm. Hope you still enjoy it. :)