Don't You Go and Carry On With Your Life

Jack

I almost forgot I told Alex we could talk about our kiss and stuff tonight. I still didn't want Kellin to know about it, or to know that we were talking tonight. Alex sent me a text message once me and the kids made it home, asking when we could talk.

Kylie and Kellin's Dad

Should I just come over now?

Read 9:02pm

Jack

No I don't want Kellin to become suspicious. Wait until the kids go to sleep.

Delivered 9:04pm

Kylie and Kellin's Dad

Okay. Just text me.

Read 9:05pm

Alex and I could have talked on the phone tonight instead of in person but part of me wanted to see him. That's where the confusion came from in my feelings for Alex. Part of me hated him and part of me still loved him.

I sat on the couch idly watching E news. Kylie was sitting with me while Kellin went to change into his pajamas. He wasn't going to go to bed yet which meant Kylie wasn't going either. I really needed to train her to sleep alone.

"Daddy?" Kellin said sitting next to me on the couch.

"Hmm?" I hummed.

"I said you have a text message."

"Oh." I picked up my phone to see who it was from.

Austin Carlile

I know I'm supposed to be giving you a break, but I can't sleep without thinking about if you're really going to break up with me for good. Can we talk for a little bit?

Read 9:14

I sat my phone down without replying. I was already stressed about having to talk with Alex. I didn't need to stress more by taking to Austin.

"Is it Austin?" Kellin asked.

"Yeah he's trying to get me to talk to him. I told him we were on a break this morning." I said.

"Do you think you're gonna break up with him?"

"I've been thinking about it, but I don't know. I've never broken up with anyone before." I sighed.

"You literally asked dad for a divorce. That's the ultimate way to break up with someone." He joked and I laughed.

"Well yeah, but still this is different. I don't want him to get angry and do something." I sighed.

"You watch too many violent TV shows." He chuckled.

"Yeah I do. I know Austin won't like hurt me or anything. I just don't want to break his heart and have to deal with him beg for me to take him back."

"Just block his number if he won't leave you alone."

"Maybe I'll actually do it tomorrow."

"Then you'll be single again and dad will have a chance with you!" He exclaimed.

"Yeah right." I mumbled.

"Come on, I saw you two laughing and talking together at the carnival." He jokingly hit my arm and I rolled my eyes.

“We were just being nice to each other.”

“Mhmm sure.” He hummed. I gave him a look and he picked up Kylie, “Yeah yeah I’m going to bed.” He chuckled. Kylie was asleep now so he slowly carried her towards the stairs so he wouldn’t wake her.

"Goodnight." I called after him.

"Goodnight."

I stayed up in the living room for another hour. Since it was summer Kellin usually wouldn't go to sleep until later. I knew he wasn't asleep at this time, but he also wasn't getting out of bed either. So I texted Alex that now would be the best time for him to come over.

Jack Gaskarth

Okay you can come over now

Delivered 10:24pm

Kylie and Kellin's Dad

I'll be there in 15mins

Read 10:28pm

Jack Gaskarth

Don't ring the doorbell

Delivered 10:29pn

Kylie and Kellin's Dad

Lol I won't

I waited a little over twenty minutes and then Alex sent me a text that he was at the door. I went to open it for him and he was standing in his pajama pants and a white tee-shirt.

"Are they asleep?" He whispered, pointing upstairs.

"Kylie is, I don't think Kellin is." I told him and slowly closed the door and locked it.

Alex followed me to the living room so we could use our normal speaking voices. Kellin probably wouldn't have heard us anyways, but I wanted to be careful.

"Should we move somewhere else just in case he comes down here?" Alex asked.

"Yeah I guess we should."

"How about your bedroom?" He suggested and I rolled my eyes at him. "Wait wait I didn't mean it like that." He chuckled and turned red.

"Mhmm sure you didn't." I said.

"No I really didn't, I swear. We can talk wherever you want."

"How about the backyard?" I asked and he nodded.

We walked out back and sat in the two large lounging chairs by the pool. For the first few minutes we didn't say anything to each other. We just laid back in our chairs and stared at the sky. We were supposed to be talking about our kiss a few days ago, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know how to start the conversation off. Apparently Alex did.

"Jack?" Alex said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you still love me?" He asked.

". . . Yeah." I answered. Part of me was always going to love Alex no matter what. That part is what kept me from moving on.

"Then why push me away? Why can't you stop fighting yourself and give me another chance?"

"I already told you. I'm not completely over what you did."

"I know. Ugh I guess I'm just worried that you'll never forgive me for it and we'll never be together again."

"Alex, I would love nothing more than to go back to how things were before, I just can't. Every time I think about you cheating on me I want to rip your heart out of your chest."

"Please don't." He said and I lightly chuckled. "But on a serious note, the only reason we can't get back together right now is because you're still hurt by my shitty actions right?" He asked.

"Yeah if you want to be that black and white about it." I shrugged.

"Well how about we give counseling a try?"

"Alex-" I sighed and he cut me off.

"Wait just hear me out. Marriage counseling is made to help couples through things like this.

I know we're not married anymore but it might still help. Even if we don't get back together at the end, I'll be happy if it helps us have a stronger friendship."

"Where was this guy a year ago?" I teased and he playfully rolled his eyes.

"He was buried deep down inside of me." He joked.

"How would counseling even work?" I asked.

"Well the therapist will listen to us express our emotions about what happened. Then she'll help us determine our needs and future goals for our relationship, and whether we want to maintain or end it. And if you decide you want to give us another go then she can help us discover our level of commitment to the relationship, teach us skills for repairing trust, and help us through the process of healing." He explained and I stared at him in shock. "I've um looked into this a lot." He mumbled embarrassingly. It was kind of cute.

"It's okay." I assured him with a smile.

"I only want to do this if you want to. It won't work if I pressure you or if you pressure yourself into it."

"I um need a few days to think about it." I told him.

"Yeah I understand." He nodded.

"It doesn't seem like a bad idea, I just need to make sure this is something I really want." I said and took a deep breath.

"Take as long as you need. I know you have a lot to think about." He said and turned to face me and I nodded. We made eye contact for a little bit but I looked down. I began playing with a loose string on my chair to distract myself from the feeling I had in my stomach.

"You've changed a lot." I told him, while still looking down.

"Changed how?" He asked.

"I don't know, you're more caring and energetic now like you were in high school." I shrugged.

"I feel different around you." He mumbled.

"How?"

"My starts heart racing, my palms sweat more, and it feels hard for me to breathe when I'm with you."

"Aren't those some of the signs of falling in love with someone?" I chuckled.

"Yeah but that makes sense, since I feel like I've been falling deeper in love with you every day." He told me and I smiled to myself. We both turned on our backs and stared at the night sky. I got so many flashbacks of us doing when we were teenagers.

"Do you remember in high school when you used to get high and explain the solar system to me?" I chuckled.

"I remember it more when I wasn't high." He chuckled with me.

"Do you still like to come outside and look at the stars?" I asked.

"I haven't in a while."

"Why not?"

"It's no fun doing it alone. I miss having you to star gaze with me."

"You're so sappy now." I joked.

"I can't help it. You make me like this." He said and turned back to look at me.

"You can't blame me for that." I giggled.

"Yeah I can. You make it hard for me to think straight."

"Oh do I?"

"Mhmm." He hummed. "Yeah you're the only person that has ever made me feel this way."

"I guess that makes me special." I said and he nodded.

"It makes you the love of my life."

Being spoiled with Alex's attention and hearing how much he still loves me made me feel euphoric. I spent months looking for an ounce of this before he cheated, and now I was finally getting it. I smiled up at Alex without looking down this time and he did the same. A small breeze blew by and made me slightly shiver.

"You should move over and share this chair with me. It's starting to get colder." Alex chuckled.

"Only if you promise to keep your hands to yourself." I said and he nodded. I moved over anyways and got comfortable. The chairs were wide enough for both of us to lay on it. We just had to lay super close to each other. Alex turned to lay on his back and my head laid straight on his chest. We were basically cuddling. The smell of his cologne was surrounding me and it made me smile. I snuggled closer to him and he slowly laid his arm on my waist. For a second it felt like nothing ever happened between us, like we were still happily married.

The wind continued to blow, pulling us closer together. Neither one of us made an attempt to get in or go back inside. We just laid cuddled into each other for warmth.

Seconds later, Alex brought his hand up to my chin and ticked my face up to kiss him. It was a small and simple kiss but it made me feel warm inside. I missed him randomly kissing me. I missed a lot of things about him.

I smiled and laid my head back on his chest. He brought his hand back up and began petting my hair soothingly. I felt beyond relaxed and slowly began to close my eyes.

"Lex." I said before I could fall asleep.

"Yeah?"

"I wanna go to counseling with you."

Notes