It was three am, just another three am. I was lonely but I knew there was no one I could call that would be here. I was lying awake, my mind not allowing me to sleep. I was counting the rotations of the fan; it was in the four thousands currently. The only noise was the fans slow rotating, it was calming to me. I just wish that things had ended differently. I looked at my phone, I don’t know why. There were no texts, no nothing. I wasn’t expecting anything anyway; if I was I would only be disappointed.

I sighed, going through our old messages. I saw how cute Jack had been, he was going into detail with how much he missed me, hell I missed him too. Well, now I missed him more than I had. I was trying to find anything that was wrong with our friendship, with our relationship. Hell I was trying to find anything wrong with him at all. There wasn’t anything. I think I hated that there wasn’t anything that I could think of. He was perfect in every way; there was no reason that I wouldn’t love him. He never gave me any reason not to. I couldn’t help but smile at the memories that I would rather lose. There wasn’t anything to hold onto right now.

The memories of us were merely that, a memory. I wasn’t sure if that comforted me at all. In seven years I would have skin that he will have never touched. A body that he will have never touched. Skin that he will have never marked with his beautiful lips. One day I will have a body that he wouldn’t have seen, one his hands will have never roamed, one that he has never loved. I think that killed me the most. The one day the man I loved would not only ever love me but I would not have a reminder of him. Not even my skin could remember him.

“I miss you Jay,” I whispered to only myself.

I read our last conversation. He left with no good bye. There was nothing except him ignoring me. That was it, one stupid argument and I was left to pick up all my pieces by myself, no help from anyone. I wasn’t good at cleaning up my own messes, they tend to stay. I would give anything to go back to that argument. Maybe this time I could think I wouldn’t screw up this time. I would pick the right words and stare past him. Once again I would let my decision eat at me except this time I would have him. I could get his advice on getting over him from him by acting like it was someone else. I wish I didn’t love him.

I dialed his number, I wanted to delete it but I just wasn’t strong enough to let go. I was pushed directly to voicemail. He was awake too; I couldn’t help but wonder if he was alone. I remembered all the things we’d gotten into at three am. I listened to his voice on his voicemail; I was desperate to hear him talk just one more time. I hung up once the beep went, I couldn’t leave a message. I knew he would delete it without even listening to it.

I remembered all the times we had together, his arm around my waist pointing out everything that looked beautiful, it wasn’t as beautiful as him but it was still something I could look at every day. When I was beside him it made it easier to forget all the ugly things in the world. It made me see the beauty in everything, even the hateful looks we would get from people. When I was looking at him I couldn’t see anything else, then again why would I want to look at anything other than him.

I scratched my arm; I could almost feel his fingers tracing the lines of my muscles once again. His fingers touching my jaw bone just before his lips would connect with mine. I knew I was getting my hopes up only for them to be shot down by the cold dark reality. Seven years was all I needed to never feel his touch again. I would be twenty eight before he would have never touched me.

I sighed getting out of bed. I was in a hotel, looking for other places to live. He kept the house in the break up. I took a few steps to the bathroom and turned the light on, wincing as it burned my eyes. I took a handful of cold water and splashed my face with it. There was no point in even attempting to sleep right now; I couldn’t sleep without the medication. I swear I could feel his arms wrapped around my waist as I stared in the mirror. He wasn’t there but the ghost of him seemed to constantly haunt me. I turned on the shower and felt the water heat up quickly.

I peeled my clothes off, stepping into the water on the highest setting. I let the water soak my skin; the silence of everything was uncomfortable. The only sound was the water hitting the shower floor, no talking, and no laughing. There was nothing I had grown accustomed too, only the water that was comparable to the rain and the silence of early morning. I couldn’t help but think of one of the many drives we had been.

---

“I didn’t think it was supposed to rain Jay,” I said.

His thumb ran over my knuckles and he sighed, “Well, at least it’s an indoor show.”

There wasn’t a ton of conversation; he seemed to have his mind preoccupied. He always seemed to have his mind preoccupied lately. I took note of the few times we drove under a bridge. The only sound in those moments was the radio that Jack was constantly playing with. That was it; I would even say it was peaceful. Once we left it I remembered how loud the rain was and how it wasn’t just raining but pouring.

“Did I do something wrong,” I asked out of nowhere.

“Lex, why would you even ask that? You’re perfect. I just have a lot going on in my mind. I just don’t really want to talk about it. Let’s just get there and have a fun time okay,” he responded.

“Just it seems like you’ve been avoiding me lately.”

“I’ve not been, just work is stressing me out.”

I saw as he ran his free hand through his hair. Yeah, I shouldn’t have looked with the conditions outside but he was so beautiful to me. I sighed, focusing back on the road. I felt like he was hiding something but I wasn’t going to push on it. He swore it was work and I felt like I should believe that even though I didn’t fully.

“You know I love you,” he said.

---

You know I love you. That was still floating through my head. He couldn’t have said that the week before he broke my heart and threw me out. You don’t do that to the people you love. Maybe I was just focusing again on work and the stress of it. Maybe I was just focusing again on the world around me instead of splitting my attention. Maybe I never noticed that it felt like I was trying to drive a car through the pouring rain when you can’t see too far in front of you. Maybe Jack was that moment of peace that went unnoticed until you were wishing there were more.

I climbed out of the shower and started drying my hair. I wrapped the towel around my waist and walked into the room. I quickly got dressed and left, grabbing all the keys I was going to need. I decided that I was going to spend today looking for a new house. I drove to Waffle House and sat at the counter. My attention was fully on the menu.

“Excuse me sir, is this seat taken,” I heard beside me.

I looked up and met eyes with a man with a beautiful smile, “No, you can take it if you want.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I turned back to the menu. Once I placed my order I started talking to man next to me. He seemed to help me forget about why I was there at five in the morning. Before he left I managed to get his number. Who knows what could happen from this?

Notes

I hope y'all enjoy this, I had this idea and I've been writing it for about a week when I've had time. I should be updating other stories soonish I've just been a little busy lately with school and stuff. I also have a lot on my mind which isn't helping. I had the time to finish this because of a math test.

Leave a rate and a comment if you enjoyed, don't be a ghost reader! :)

- Jess