I said I love you

I turned my phone off; I was done talking with Kaitlyn for the night. I would tell her that it died or something so she wouldn’t worry like she always does. I was just exhausted from it. I loved her and I worried that it just wasn’t going to last. I mean, I fell for her so hard and so fast that I was a little frightened. I was sitting on a rock, my feet dangling into the creek below me. I was bare foot and just looked into the rushing water as it soaked my skin. I couldn’t help but hear it mix in with my thoughts.

She was just going to leave; I might as well leave before she does. I could also picture our wedding day and as long as she was walking down the aisle to me I wasn’t scared. Except I was. I was so afraid because I didn’t realize how long forever really was. I didn’t realize how far in I was until I told her I meant it when I said I loved her. I didn’t realize how trapped I was until I caught myself looking at houses to us. I didn’t realize how far gone I was until I cried after our last argument because I was certain that I lost her. Except I didn’t. I woke up with a text from her about how we should talk. So we did. Everything ended up okay, we ended up together still. I still had her when I was certain I had lost her. I was so afraid to lose her but I was also afraid to keep her.

“Just make up your damn mind Zack,” I told myself.

Except I knew that I wouldn’t do just that. I liked both options so much that time would make a decision before I would. That’s exactly what I didn’t want to happen because time continuing on was actually scaring me. I wanted things to make sense now and I really wasn’t sure how to go about that. In fact I knew what I wanted to happen, I did want to marry Kaitlyn however I was so afraid that I was going to hurt her which was the stupidest thing to say ever because by leaving her I was going to hurt her. I knew that my mind was going to hurt her more in the end though. I was good at running away and I would stop at nothing to do just that.

“You don’t hurt the people you love,” I reminded myself.

I buried my face in my hands. I pictured Kaitlyn in her wedding dress walking down the aisle to me. She was so beautiful; I could feel myself tearing up. She looked like an angel, hell I was almost searching for her wings. Why had she said yes to me? After everything, the constant uncertainty and the constant questioning of everything, including us. She was here, she was beautiful and she was mine, but why? I wouldn’t be here still if I was her, I would run as far as I could but she was.
“Zack, snap out of it,” I told myself.

I shook my head and saw that it was growing dark. I knew she was worried about me, she always worried about me. I sighed and stood back up, walking back home. I looked around and saw the street lights shining in the distance. I sighed, pulling my hoodie close to myself. I shivered, my feet were freezing, they were wet and it was late fall. My mom was going to yell at me for being out late. She was going to yell at me for not wearing shoes. That’s just how life was.

“Zachary, where have you been, I’ve been trying to call you,” my mother scolded when I walked inside.

“My phone died, I went to the creek,” I explained.

“You should have told me.”

“I’m sorry Mom, I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“It’s fine, just go to bed; you have school in the morning.”

I walked up the stairs to my room and sat on my bed. I turned on my phone and saw quite a few missed calls from my mom. I pushed all the notifications away. I read the conversations with Kaitlyn; I could tell that she got upset that I just turned my phone off. She thought I was ignoring her; she didn’t deserve to think that at all. I reread some of the past texts; she made me smile a lot when I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t help but think about how much better she deserved. She deserved someone who was always going to be there and I couldn’t promise that. There were a lot of things that I couldn’t promise, she deserved the best things in the world that I don’t think that she would at all.

How was I going to tell her that we were signing a record deal? How was I going to tell her that we were going on tour soon? Distance scared her because she had been cheated on in long distance relationships enough. I wasn’t that kind of guy but can all the bad experiences be wiped away in next to no time? I didn’t think so. If I was here I probably wouldn’t keep things going. I think she would be excited for me because this was my dream; we were going to be something. We weren’t going to be just four kids from Baltimore that were never going to make it. We were going to be something and I feel like I was torn between doing that and staying with her.

I dialed her number and waited patiently for her to pick up. I knew she wouldn’t she was upset with me and I didn’t really blame her. I just shoved her away because I was trying to put things together in my mind. I absolutely loved her and I think that was the problem that was going through my mind. I just needed to take some time to myself and I just didn’t want to explain it right then. I needed to tell her everything, it was what she deserved. I didn’t want to lose her but I couldn’t help but think that she was going to run away. That’s what everyone does when they are afraid, they run.

“Hey babe,” I said to the answering machine. “I’m sorry I ignored you, I turned my phone off for a while, I just needed to think about somethings. I’m going to preface everything with saying that I love you. I love you more than I can put to words, I don’t want to lose you. You know the band? We’re signing a record deal, I’m not supposed to tell anyone but I think you deserve to know. I don’t want this to come between us. I’m going to have to go on tour though. This is what I’ve wanted ever since we’ve started this project. I don’t want to have to choose between you and the band, please don’t make me. I love you and I don’t want me going on tour to destroy this relationship. I just don’t know how to put all of this to words. I hope this makes sense, we both know I’m not that great with words.”

I hung up the phone and lay on my bed. I felt so stupid; it was like I had to choose between my two loves, music and her. I couldn’t decide which was stronger. I didn’t want to leave either of those for the other; it was like picking which child was my favorite. I looked over at my phone and saw it light up with a text. She had heard the voicemail; she wasn’t asleep, just upset. I saw a text and opened it. I couldn’t help but smile as I read it.

I’m proud of you babe, I love you.

Maybe I wouldn’t have to run away this time. Maybe she wasn’t going to run away this time. Maybe after everything we could stay together and prove that we were able to make things work in the end. After enough heart break I couldn’t help but think that I finally found my one and only. The only person for me, my soulmate, and I couldn’t be happier when thinking about that.

Notes

So, some stuff has happened recently and I feel like updating some. My band is no more and it's my fault but life goes on and that's just that. I'm thinking of doing something that can potentially be stupid that I'm not really going to go into detail about but it's really exciting to think about, just even the chance. I'm going to a concert tomorrow night in Charlotte which is going to be a lot of fun and I'm either making a tattoo appointment on Saturday or getting a new tattoo then (depends on if they are busy or not (it can be done as a walk in)). It's midterm week (or midterm week is almost over) so that means fall break is coming up! Unfortunately that also means I'm getting three of my wisdom teeth ripped out so no promises on any updates during fall break. After four months I'm still kind of venting my feelings and this story is a continuation of me venting but I hope y'all enjoy it. I'm sorry for this long ass note but I felt like there was some stuff I should say/update y'all on.

Anyway, rate and leave a comment if you enjoyed, don't be a ghost reader :)

- Jess

Title credit: The Morticians Daughter - Black Veil Brides