Hell is so Close to Heaven

When the person someone loves, loves with all of their heart and all of their soul, doesn’t love them back, what do they do?

They move on. At least, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Move on. Find someone else. Settle if they have to.

Jack can’t move on. He just can’t. He knows Alex is getting married. He knows that Alex loves her. He knows that he doesn’t have a chance in hell. He knows this. But he can’t seem to forget it. That’s the real problem. More or less, he’s accepted that Alex doesn’t have room for him in his heart anymore. But he can’t forget that one time, he did.

And that’s why, he guesses, he’s sitting at this bar at almost midnight, in Baltimore, watching Rian drunkenly stand up and give a speech.

“A-Alex, you fucker,” he slurs, “I can’t believe you guys are actually getting married. After all of this Goddamn time-” Zack pulls him down before he can start talking shit about Alex’s fiancée because they all dislike her and Rian is a fucking lightweight and there’s no way he’ll be able to be quiet about it. Cassadee had warned them about it earlier as she’d picked up her purse and headed out to the bachelorette party.

“I’m only going to be polite,” she’d whispered. Alex hadn’t been in the room, but Cassadee is nothing but sweet and she hates to say anything mean about or to anyone. That’s a big part of why Rian loves her so much. Jack is jealous of them.

“You’ve said quite enough,” Zack says, picking him up and settling him down in a chair. Rian pouts for a moment before laying his head down on the table. He’ll be asleep soon.
Jack takes all of this in with a long sigh. He’s not drunk yet. At this point, it takes a fuckton of alcohol to even get him slightly tipsy. Years of touring in a pop punk band and of trying to numb constant inconsolable heartbreak have made him almost immune to liquor of all kinds.

He’s the undisputed partier of All Time Low, so really, he should have been the one up on that table, dancing and screaming and giving Alex a hell of a speech. After all, he’s Alex’s best friend in the world. He’ll be giving a hell of a best man speech tomorrow at the wedding and all. But technically, he doesn’t have to right now, therefore he doesn’t even try to remove himself from his seat.

“Thanks, Ri,” Alex chuckles beside Jack. “Your slurred words mean more to me than you could ever know.”

Rian doesn’t remove his face from the table, just gives him a big thumbs up.
After that, the chatter breaks off into little groups. Their crew is here, so are some of their high school friends, Flyzik made it, and so did a bunch of guys from other bands. Pierce the Veil is here, along with Mayday Parade, Sleeping With Sirens and You Me at Six. Some of them are totally oblivious to the fact that Jack’s not happy, but some of them aren’t, namely Derek and
Vic, who keep exchanging frowns. But they don’t dare say anything. Because no one ever does. Because it won’t do any good.

“You sure you’re ready for this, Gaskarth?” Tony asks. He’s not trying to ask this for Jack’s sake, because he doesn’t know about Jack’s feelings. But Jack’s interested in hearing Alex’s response, nonetheless. He waits for the gun to go off.

Alex takes a huge swallow of beer before nodding. “Yeah, I am.”

One bullet hits Jack’s chest.

“I’ve never loved anyone like I love her.”

Two bullets.

“She’s the only one I’ve ever wanted.”

Three. And he’s dead.

He’s had enough.

Jack runs outside where it’s bitterly cold. He doesn’t know whose fucking idea it was to have the wedding in February in frigid Maryland, but he does know it definitely wasn’t Alex. He’s said for years that he’d always wanted to get married in the summertime.

It’s raining out and it’s like twenty degrees, so the rain’s freezing the minute it hits the ground.
The guests are going to have a difficult time getting to the venue tomorrow with the entire ground being frozen and all.

Maybe it’ll get cancelled,” Jack thinks to himself. Hell, maybe he won’t even show up. He knows that he kind of has to, considering that he’s the best man and he has the rings. It’s a nice thought, though.

The rings.

The rings are sitting primly in the pocket of his dark skinny jeans. It hits him that he could easily throw them out and get rid of them, claim later that they were stolen or some shit. It doesn’t really make sense for wedding rings to be taken, sadly.

And like that would stop the wedding. Like that would make Alex choose him over her. Like that
would make anything even remotely okay.

He slides down the brick wall of the bar, his backside hitting the cold ground hard. He doesn’t care, however, and he brings his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and dropping his face to his denim-clad limbs.

This would be so much easier, he thinks, if only I hadn’t had Alex before.

Because it would. If he and Alex hadn’t fucked so much over the years, he thinks that maybe he could get past it. If Alex hadn’t said he loved so much over the years, maybe he could get over it. If only.

One would believe that Alex — or Jack, even — would have put a stop to this the minute Alex got engaged, but neither of them did. In fact, it had happened again only a few nights ago.

Alex never had an explanation; he never needed one. He simply came to Jack with a sad smile and it never failed — Jack would always give him what he wanted. He should have been ashamed about it, or at least felt guilty, but he never did. The only thing that he felt any remorse for was that Alex’s poor fiancée was completely oblivious to where her perfect boyfriend ran off to at night. She didn’t deserve that, but in retrospect, she should have expected that. Alex didn’t know how to be monogamous.

“JB?” Jack hears and he doesn’t look up because he doesn’t have to. He knows who it is,
simply from the voice and the nickname. JB is a stupid nickname and only Alex would ever call
him that.

“Jack,” he says more brusquely. “What are you doing out here? I’m not gonna fucking ask you again.”

Jack looks up at him finally, tears staining his face.

“Oh,” Alex says dumbly.

Oh is right, Jack thinks to himself.

Alex slides down the wall beside him and sighs. “You’re mad at me,” he says sadly.

“No shit,” Jack spits, sniffling loudly. He wipes at his eyes. The tears burn the skin on his cheek; his face is chapped from the cold wind.

Alex gives him a sad look. “If I had an explanation, I’d give you one. But I really hate when you’re mad at me.”

Jack swallows hard. “It’s not that I’m mad about you marrying her. I may be jealous of her.
Really fucking jealous, but I could easily bow out.” He takes a breath. “I could. If you didn’t constantly give me something to hang on to. And I’m tired, Alex. So fucking, goddamn tired of praying, hoping that one day you’ll want me. But that’s never gonna happen, is it?”

“You know I need you,” Alex whispers.

Jack shrugs. “But you don’t want me. You want her. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here tonight.”

“Jack,” Alex pleads. “Don’t be upset. It’s too late to take everything back now.”

Assuming Alex meant it was too late to take back his proposal, he was probably right. Jack knew this. She’d be crushed and Jack wished he could care about her feelings, but he can’t.
He’s done more than his fair share of hurting and he’d gladly give it to someone else.

Jack just nods.

With that, Alex stands up and offers Jack his hand to pull him up. “Come on,” he whispers, “it’s cold and it’s fucking raining. Let’s go.”

Jack frowns. “But…The party?” he asks. He knows what’s going to happen if he leaves with
Alex, but he doesn’t care. He’s sad and drunk and desperate so he takes Alex’s hand, a shiver shooting down his spine, one not brought on by the cold.

Alex shrugged, pulling Jack to his feet. “Everyone’s wasted. It’s my party and I say it’s over, so
it’s over.”

“Brat,” Jack whispered with a small smile.

He loves Alex so very much.

Alex squeezes his hand hard as punishment and hails a taxi. The two huddle together, shivering as the rain pelts down viciously and freezes instantly to the ground. Jack hopes their friends will be okay. Then he remembers that Flyzik is there and he’ll get everyone home safely.

The ride to Alex’s house is silent. Jack stares out the window at the falling, freezing rain. He’s still cold, but Alex is holding his hand and that makes it a little bit warmer. He’s thinking about how dangerous it is to drive on icy roads and how their taxi could easily crash and kill him, maybe Alex, too. He’s thought about dying a lot lately and he firmly believes that death isn’t exactly a terrible idea anymore. Unfortunately for him, their taxi driver is meticulous and probably obsessed with fucking well-being because they make it to Alex’s house completely in one piece. Well, Alex does. Jack’s been in pieces for a while now.

Alex quickly shuffles out of the car without tipping the poor driver. Jack gives him an apologetic smile and hands over a twenty dollar tip. He might be drunk, but he’s not heartless.

Once he’s out of the taxi and going up to the entrance of the house, he sees that Alex has gotten the door open and the rain has started to teem down even harder. The sky is pitch black and the only noise that can be heard is the heavy pitter-patter of rain turning to ice on the asphalt and concrete.

Alex turns the heat up high and then goes to work on the fireplace. Jack kicks off his wet shoes and jacket and huddles underneath a red throw blanket, smelling suspiciously of Versace perfume. Definitely not Alex’s scent.

“Do you want want some hot chocolate?” Alex asks suddenly.

Jack hadn’t realized that he was nodding off and hot chocolate would put him to sleep even more. He shook his head. “No, thanks.”

Alex shoves his hands in his pockets. “Well, do you just…Do you just want to go to bed, then?”

Jack shrugs, eyes not meeting Alex’s. “Isn’t she in the bed?”

Alex shook his head. “Jack, she’s staying with the maid of honor. That’s how these things work.
You don’t spend the night before your wedding with the person you’re marrying.”

Jack guesses that that’s why Alex is with him tonight. He bites his lip. Alex has a guest room.
He’s stayed in it plenty of times. He also has a queen sized bed that he’s stayed in plenty of
times, too. He should tell Alex that he’ll take the guest room.

Jack takes Alex’s hand and they go upstairs, skipping the guest room. Instead, he pushes Alex into his own bedroom and slams the door. Then he stops and stares at his best friend, because
he’s giving him a chance to stop him. To tell him no. He’s getting married tomorrow and this is wrong. He tries to focus on the sound of the freezing rain crashing against the roof.

But apparently Alex doesn’t think it’s wrong because Jack blinks and Alex’s lips are on his, his arms around his neck, and his tongue is twisting into his mouth.

This could be the last time, Jack thinks to himself. This prospect brings that crippling pain back to his chest and he bites down hard on Alex’s bottom lip. Alex doesn’t do anything but moan back at him and push him toward the bed. Jack lets Alex crawl on top of him and kiss him harder, his tongue pushing into his mouth relentlessly.

He lets him kiss for a few moments before Jack pulls away. He pushes Alex down and kisses down from his lips to his jaw, to his neck. He bites and sucks at the tender flesh as Alex whimpers below him, rutting his lower half against Jack’s. It occurs to Jack that he might have given Alex a small hickey and that it might be visible tomorrow.
If only he cared.

“Jack,” Alex whispers, his lips pink and wet and swollen.

“Alex,” Jack whispers back, from against Alex’s neck.

“I need you,” Alex whimpers.

Jack isn’t one to deny Alex anything.

He pulls off again and whips the shirt off of his back and watches wistfully as Alex does the same with his own. Alex reaches down and skillfully unbuttons Jack’s dark jeans, pushing them down eagerly. Jack’s hands aren’t as steady as Alex’s and they shake while he attempts to undo Alex’s way-too-fucking-tight skinny jeans. But he does and Alex shimmies out of them, revealing dark gray boxer briefs. Jack slides them down quickly and hit breath hitches, like it
always does.

“Fuck,” he whispers under his breath. He can never quite get used to how beautiful Alex truly is.
Tan, smooth skin, with a light dusting of hair. His heart pounds as he looks down. Alex’s face is flushed red and his lips are plump. He’s hard and bending to the left and it’s all for Jack. He tries to push the fact that he isn’t the only one that gets to see him like this out of his mind and he slides out of his own boxers.

Alex spreads his legs and Jack reaches over to the drawer beside Alex and his fiancée’s bed for a condom and lube. He opens it with a click and even though he technically doesn’t have to, he spreads some of the water-based liquid onto his fingers. Jack prods one finger inside of the boy he loves and watches him suck in a breath. A smile grows on his face as he pushes in a second finger and twists them around. Alex groans and throws his head back on his pillow.

Jack decides then that this is enough and he pulls his fingers out. He slides on a condom and as he spreads lube generously onto his dick, he thinks about how he could have went in dry and hurt Alex, like he’s hurt him so much in the past. But he wouldn’t — could never — hurt
Alex in any way. He loved him way too much.

He pushes in slowly, kindly allowing Alex to adjust to the size of him and he watches Alex
squirm until he bottoms out. Jack bites his lip because he can also never get used to the tight, all-encompassing feeling of fucking Alex. It feels so good that it hurts, but it’s a painful-good feeling that seeps through his veins, causing his limbs to shake and his chest to ache.

When Alex gives him a subtle nod, he begins to roll his hips slowly, gripping onto Alex’s small waist. He can feel the tickle of their legs hairs sliding over each other and he digs his fingernails into Alex’s hips to give him a reminder tomorrow of what had transpired the night before.

Jack leans down and press his open mouth against Alex’s, his tongue running over every corner of his mouth. He has to familiarize himself with everything that is Alex, like this anyway.
Because after tonight, he can’t let this happen again. It’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to Jack.
Besides, he doubts that Alex will want him once he’s got his perfect little wife and family.

“Jack!” Alex shrieks, moving his mouth away from Jack’s, snapping him back to what is going on. Alex’s hair is messy, stuck to his forehead with sweat and his face is bright red. He wraps his legs around Jack’s waist, bringing him into him deeper and Jack bites back a moan. He angles his thrusts in another direction and hits Alex’s prostate precisely. He has always prided himself in knowing exactly where Alex’s sweet spot is. Alex screams and moves his hips back up to meet Jack’s thrusts.

“Close,” Alex whispers and Jack can feel it, too.

Except, he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want this to end because then it’s over. It’s all over. Not just their little affair, not just the best sex of his life, but his heart, the best friendship he’s ever — and will ever — had, it’s done.

Alex clenches around him and comes hard, spilling onto both of their stomachs. Jack can’t hold back after that and he grunts, digging his nails into his lover even further and his orgasm hits him hard. He swears and the room goes dark behind his eyes. He can’t even hear the rain anymore. His world is just a dizzying spin of AlexAlexAlex.

Jack takes his time in pulling out. He likes the feeling of being inside Alex more than most things and here they are: at their last time. Finally, he bites his lip and ignores the intense burn his chest and his eyes and he pulls gently out of Alex, yanking off the condom and dropping it on the floor beside him. He swallows hard and settles down on the bed beside Alex, pressing his face into his arm. Jack notices then that he’s crying, tears falling down his face like a waterfall. Alex doesn’t seem to notice. Jack sniffs and begins to wipe at his eyes furiously.

“Don’t marry her,” he pleads pathetically. It comes out as barely a whisper, but Alex hears him.

Alex sighs. “I have to.”

“No, you don’t,” Jack whimpers. “No one is making you.”

Alex is silent for a moment. “I asked her to marry me. She said yes. I can’t just tell her that we’re not getting married. On our wedding day. Can you at least try to be happy for me?”

If Jack wasn’t so completely heartbroken, he might had laughed at Alex’s request.

“I love you,” Jack tries one last time.

“I love her,” Alex says coldly.

And that’s that.

Notes

This was written before the Lisex wedding, but it isn't necessarily canon, regardless.