i feel like a bad joke.

I've been dreading this moment for so long. He hurt me, he made me look like a complete fool... I'm still so incredibly mad at him, even though it's been a few months already, and I just don't know if I'm ready to face him. The risk of me blowing up in his face is ridiculously big.

Jack and I have known each other for years. We have lots of mutual friend and we would hang out a lot, get drunk together every now and then, go to shows, talk, prank each other, you name it. I wouldn't call us close friends, but we were friends
Then, a few months back, while my best friend Liz and I were hanging out with the boys in their tour bus somewhere in Philly, it so happened that Jack and I ended up alone on the bus. We were so engrossed in our conversation about music that we didn't even notice that the rest of the group had left to get a drink and sing karaoke at a local bar.

It was such a nice night. I had a few beers in me at this point and talking to Jack just seemed so easy. He was super sweet and nice. Well, long story short, we ended up making out in the back room of the bus (and making out was all we did even though he did try to take it further). Up until then I never really thought about him like that, but the second he kissed me, it weirdly made sense to be attracted him or even more than that.

I don't remember how long we spent talking and making out but what I do remember are the things he said to me that night. The plans he made, the promises he made. He kept talking about us as if there was any “us“. And I believed him. Every single word.

I think you can guess how this part of the story ends. My friend Liz and I left the bus that night and I never heard from Jack again. I only heard (from Zack who I ran into a few days later) that he was dating a girl named Meghan. So you see why I'm not exactly his biggest fan, right?

And now we're here, it's Liz's birthday party and, of course, Jack has come. I honestly hope I can keep my cool. That's my plan anyways. Just pretend like nothing ever happened (although that's really hard because I can see him across the room and all I can think about is how his lips tasted like pizza and alcohol and how perfectly out bodies fit together).
I want to avoid him as much as possible without it being too obvious, but my plan goes to hell when he approaches me. I know he's been wanting to talk to me for a while. I could feel his eyes on me all evening.

He comes to me as I'm making myself comfortable on the sofa in Lizzie's now empty living room.
“Hey you.“ he says with a smile on his face. Or is it a smirk? I don't like it either way.
“Hi.“ I reply, only looking at him for as short amount of time as possible.
He sits down next to me causing me to flinch and move to be further away from him. I don't wanna risk any physical contact. I look around to find out what the chances are of somebody coming to save me, but we are completely alone. Everybody is out in the backyard.
He smells like alcohol and for some reason I like it. I guess it reminds me of last time.
He's clearly had a few but he still looks sober enough to have a decent conversation – something I do not want to do right now, especially not with him.
“Why are you out here all by yourself? Everybody's outside where the party's at.“ he asks as he takes a sip of his drink.
“I'm not exactly a party person. You know that.“ I mutter.
“Yeah, I know.“
“Well, then your question is completely pointless.“ I snap.
I‘m not intentionally being mean but I really don't wanna be having a conversation with Jack unless it involves him apologizing to me for the way he treated me.
“Ok. Sorry then for wanting to talk to you.“ he growls.
“I don't have anything to say to you, Jack.“
“Why are you so mad at me?“ he asks angrily and as I look at him, my blood starts boiling in my veins.
“Are you seriously asking me that?“
Every fiber of my being is on fire now and I feel like I’m about to explode.
“Yeah, I am.What the fuck did I do that was so fucking terrible?“ he hisis.
Wow, just wow. Is he really that clueless? Is he really so self-centered?
“I can't believe you.“ I laugh, get up and start heading for the door.
He stands up as fast as I do and grabs my elbow to turn me around. We’re now standing dangerously close and my knees start to shake a little.
“No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.“ he says with his head hanging low now. It takes him a while before he's brave enough to look me in the eye.
“I'm just being a dick again. Don't leave, please.“ he looks at me with those pleading eyes that I so desperately want to get lost in again.
I give up.
“What do you want from me, Jack?“ I can't play the tough guy role in this play anymore. I'm done. I'm not really mad. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I need answers. I need to hear that it wasn't all just about sex, that he actually cares, that it meant something, that I mean something.
Instead of answering my question he pulls me even closer, leans down and manages to brush his lips against mine before I react and push him away.
“Seriously?“ I spit angrily. “You think that I'm gonna fall for that again?“
I pause for a second to gather my thoughts and I'm surprised to see him just stand there and wait for me to continue. I expect him to fire back, do something, anything, but he doesn’t.
“I learned my lesson with you. I'm not gonna let you make me look like a complete fool again.“
“I didn't mean...“
He starts but I don't let him finish. I need to let everything out.
“What? You didn't mean to play me? You didn't want to get into my pants? And you didn't mean to ignore me after I said no? You didn't mean to?“
Instead of giving me any kind of answer again, he presses his lips agains mine and it takes all the strength and will power I have in me to push him away.
“Stop kissing me, Jack!“ I raise my voice now not really caring if anybody hears me.
“I'm sorry.“ he says. “I know I treated you like shit. I'm really sorry.“
I don't know if his words make me even more angry or just sad or what at this point. I'm so confused. I needed an apology for so long but now that I have it, I don't know what to do with it.
“I like you ok? And I know I screwed up big time. You were all I could think about while I was on tour. I've been trying to figure out how to make it right...“
“Don't give me this bullshit, Jack. You started screwing that Meghan girl seconds after you were done with me.“
“She meant nothing. She was just a distraction because I knew I ruined my chances with you and I couldn't deal with it.“
“I don't get it, Jack“ I sigh. “All the talking about out future together, all the plans, everything you said about us being perfect for each other... I believed you. I fell for every fucking word. Do you have any idea how shitty it felt to come to the realization that it all was just a part of you master plan to fuck me? Do you have any idea how humiliated I felt? How hard it was to trust anything any man said to me after that?“
“I got scared, ok?“ he says raising his voice and then I hear his voice crack. It sends tears to my eyes but I don't let them fall. I won't. I can’t.
“What are you talking about?“ I ask, confused.
“There was no master plan to fuck you. I didn't plan anything that happened that night. The more we talked, the more I fell in love with you and the more I wanted to kiss you. And then when I finally did, I just wanted to kiss you more and feel you more. When you didn't let me go any further, I realized that you were too good for me, ok? It dawned on me that I didn't deserve you. Somebody so amazing, so good, with such a pure soul full of kindness and love, good morals... somebody so selfless and thoughtful, responsible, wise... You're everything that I'm not, Maia. I'm a child, I'm a man whore, irresponsible, crazy selfish asshole. And I decided in that moment that I couldn't be the one to corrupt your soul...“
To say I'm speechless would the understatement of the century. I don't even think about doubting his words. The look and the tears in his eyes tell me he's not lying.
“You think so little of yourself?“ I whisper, my voice shaking with sadness. He doesn't say anything, he just keeps looking at me and waiting for me to go on.
“So you're in love with me, huh?“ I'm the first one to break the silence and I decide to lighten the mood a little bit by giving him a smirk.
He smiles a little.
“Yeah, I guess I am.“ he says shyly and continues, “Listen, I don't.... you don't have to... I just... wanted you to know how I feel. I don't expect anything from you.“ he says very quickly.
It's kind of sweet but also sad because it shows me that he really doesn't think he deserves having these feeling returned. I put my hands on my hips and shrug my shoulders.
“So you don't wanna hear that I'm in love with you too?“
I try to keep my poker face and not let him see that I'm smiling on the inside. He obviously doesn't know if I'm being serious.
“I ummm....uh... wha... huh?“
That makes me laugh. I take a few steps forward and place my hands on his cheeks and lean closer until I can feel his breath on my skin. His eyes are full of anticipation and hope and love. Love. The one thing I've been missing in my life and never thought I'd find in Jack of all people. But I did.
I pour my soul in the kiss. I want him to feel the love. I want him to know that he is worthy of it, that he is good and kind and all those things he says he's not.
He gets over the initial shock very quickly and I feel his lips move against mine, his tongue begging for entrance, which I, of course, give him.
We don't rush. Unlike the last time, this kiss is slow and gentle, but also full of passion. It's full of yearning, of all those months of waiting, it’s full of silent promises.
I slowly pull myself back and press my forehead against his. I let our breaths mingle for a few seconds before I dare to speak.
“I'm trusting you not to break my heart. This is not a joke to me. Don't let me down, Jack.“
“I won't. I love you.“ he whispers and I swear I can feel my heart skip a beat when I hear those words.
“I love you too.“ I say just as quietly before our lips find each other again.

Notes