This used to be a funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down down down
I'm gonna burn it down

I didn’t call Jo.

I meant to...I think. I never intended to completely shun her, anyway. But every time I thought of her, my mind shot to that goddamn nightmare, of her betraying me in the worst kind of way, and I couldn’t bear to think of what would commence if I actually tried to hold a conversation with her.

I had a feeling it wouldn’t end well.

For a while, I thought for just a second that Madison might’ve forgotten about my promise to call Jo. We’d continued for almost two weeks without her saying a word about the raven-haired guitarist.

This thought was short lived, dying the second I entered the living room one morning to find that we had an unexpected guest. She shot up from her spot next to my sister the second I walked in, leaning heavily on my crutches, gaping at her as I’d almost lost my balance from the shock seeing her there, in my apartment.

“Lawson!” She greeted, the cool, casual smirk of hers plastered on her face. “How have you been?”

My jaw dropped, my wide eyes darting back and forth between Jo and Madison, the latter of who’s guilt was as transparent as ever, making me realize one thing: she knew in advance that Jo would be coming over.

I gulped, picking up my jaw long enough to scowl at my sister, asking her bluntly, “What’s going on?”

“Well,” Madison shrugged innocently, glancing at Jo with hesitancy before she responded carefully, “Jo was in town, and since you guys are friends and everything, I decided to invite her over for some coffee so you two could catch up.”

I turned to Jo, who just nodded patiently, confirming Madison’s words. I opened my mouth, maybe to thank her for the visit, but shut it when a sharp voice in the back of my head stopped me.

Why the hell is she here? The voice sneered as the image of Jack and Jo together once again flashed in front of my eyes, taunting me. She’s a bitch. She just wants to get with Jack. She’s using you. She’s using your friendship.

I numbly shook my head, spinning around in hopes of shutting up the tormenting voices. I shut my eyes tightly, silently repeating again and again that it wasn’t true, that Jo was my friend, but the voice only seemed to grow louder, and this time, the hurtful words turned self-deprecating.

Who are you kidding? You’re nothing compared to her. I bet Jack was desperate to get out of here so he wouldn’t have to deal with you. Hell, I bet Jack slept with Jo the second he was on the road. He deserves so much more than you...

I let out an angry groan as the voice grew insidious. “Why would you do that?!” I yelled, whipping back around to face a shocked Madison and Jo. “Why would you bring her here?! I told you I wasn’t ready!”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Jo threw up her hands. “I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing--”

“Nope,” I shook my head, keeping my gaze on the floor as I angrily repeated. my voice harsh. “I told you I wasn’t fucking ready!”

“What’s going on?” I could hear Jo’s worried voice whisper to my sister.

“I don’t know...” She replied before timidly taking a step forward towards my gloomy, distraught frame. “Uh, Chris...are you okay?”

The images continued to flash in my behind my eyes, worse than ever. I shut my eyes, praying for them to just go away, but of course it did nothing. Finally finding myself at a tipping point, I snapped, “No, I’m not okay!” I opened my eyes to find Madison and Jo staring back at me with a mix of shock and worry. And, before they could say a thing, I continued, feeling like I was breaking as I did. “I-I think I’m losing it. I can’t sleep, I hardly eat. I have these fucking nightmares every night where I’m losing her--losing Melody all over again. I can’t focus on anything but the fact that my baby is gone and goddamnit it’s fucking torturing me half to death.”

An eerie silence eloped the room, as the only thing I could hear was the sound of my heart thumping wildly in my chest, terrified that I’d finally admitted that something wasn’t right. Yet, I kept talking, “When I was in a coma those two days, I had this dream. A really vivid dream where everything in my life was flipped. Melody was alive, Midnight was disbanded, and Jo--” My voice halted, breaking slightly as I found the confidence to meet her trembling gaze. “Jo, you were with Jack.”

Madison’s hand flew to her face, realizing that she had seriously underestimated my demons. “Oh, Chris--I had no idea.”

“I’m so sorry.” Jo whispered, looking close to tears herself. “But you have to know I would never--”

“I thought I knew.” I muttered, the voices telling me again and again that Jo was not to be trusted. My eyes shot to the floor, though I could imagine the hurt expression my response caused.

Madison meanwhile, kept shaking her head. “Chris, that’s it. We’re going to the doctor.” I naturally tried to protest, as it was the last place I wanted to go. It was where everything had changed, after all. What would returning to that hell do for me? But protest or not, Madison was not having it. “No, you’re going!” She then turned to Jo. “Sorry, but as you can see Chris isn’t exactly herself.”

Jo nodded in understanding. “No, of course.” Her concerned brown eyes glanced at me, while I stared far off into the distance, numb as I’d basically succumbed to the fact that I was going back to the one place I never wanted to return. “I’ll uh, I’ll be in town for a while, so call me when you’re up to talking.” She told me, her voice small. “I’m really sorry for upsetting you like this.”

Then, with one sorrowful look, she was out the door.

~*~

Depression.

That’s what I had, apparently. Looking back, it made sense. I’d been more ‘ho-hummy’ than usual as Madison had so bluntly pointed out. This, combined with with my lack of concentration, my negative thinking, the constant headaches and my lack of interest in things I once enjoyed, and I was undoubtedly text-book definition depressed.

Once I was diagnosed, they started me on an antidepressant in the hopes of calming down those depressing thoughts I’d been battling. The doctor did say that it may take some time in finding the right balance of meds for me, but he did assure me that now that they were aware of what was going on, things would only get better from here.

Why did I have such a hard time believing that?

And, after prescribing me some pills to help my sleeping problem, as well as handing me a card with a 1-800 number to call in case I needed to talk to someone, I found myself alone with my distraught-looking sister.

“Depressed?” She shook her head in disbelief as we slowly walked back to our car post-appointment. “I can’t believe it. How could I not see that you’re depressed?” She snuck a glance in my direction as she muttered, “I mean, I’m supposed to know this kind of stuff, and I couldn’t see the warning signs when it came to my own sister?”

“It’s not your fault. I tried to hide it...” I shrugged, keeping my gaze down on the cemented path. “Guess I did a pretty good job...” I mumbled.

Madison’s dark grey eyes shot up to the back of her head in an annoyed eye roll. “Yeah, well things are going to be different from now on, okay?” She huffed. Her hand grabbed my shoulder, stopping me so I was forced to face her stern, no b.s. expression and I knew she was dead serious.

I stuttered out a response, though I was unsure what I was agreeing to. “O-okay?”

“I’m serious, Chris.” She continued, her perfectly groomed eyebrows raised as her nostrils flared, a sign that she was emotionally on edge. “You need to start telling me shit. I mean, the nightmares? How long were you going to let that go on?”

I shrugged, honestly not sure. “I don’t know...I just...I thought that maybe they’d eventually go away.”

“Go away?” She repeated flatly before shaking her head. “Chris, they were driving you crazy! For God’s sake, you lashed out at Jo for something she’d never do, so you’re telling me that ignoring things and hoping they’d just ‘go away’ was the right thing to do here?” Her hands flew to her hips and she tapped her foot a couple times as she waited for me to respond.

But instead of a verbal response, I just pursed my lips and nodded to acknowledge my mistake. I knew I messed up; I could feel the guilt of what I’d done bubble up inside of me--yelling at Jo, lashing out at Madison--and it all becoming too much. My eyes began to water and I tried, without success, to hide my growing tears.

Madison’s shoulders dropped, her annoyance diminishing. “Look, just...” She paused, letting a heavy sigh escape her lips. “Just please don’t leave me in the dark anymore, alright? I don’t want things to get any worse.”

“Okay.” I quickly nodded again, sniffling as I did. “I won’t hide anything.”

Her steel irises bore into my soul, staring me down as she was trying hard to read me. But finally, she relaxed as her lips grew into a small, but genuinely relieved smile. “Good.” She let a few seconds pass before taking out her cell phone and opening up her contact list. “Oh, before I forget, I should probably let Jack in on--”

“No!” I cut her off, grabbing her hand to stop her from pressing the ‘call’ button.

“What?” Her mouth fell in disbelief over my horrified reaction. “Chris, he deserves to know what’s going on.” She pressed on.

“No, you can’t tell him.” I stubbornly held my ground, unable to imagine how Jack would react considering the past month he’d been away, I’d been consistently assuring him I was fine despite Madison’s worry. For him to find out Madison had a reason to worry after all, that I was dealing with a mental illness on top of everything else would be nothing short of awful.

Granted, most of the things I’d been dealing with had physically healed, with the pesky wound on the side being the last to send a pang of discomfort on occasion, just to remind me of it’s presence, yet the threat of my most recent progress report would do nothing but harm if Jack found out. I knew him, and I knew that if he found out, he’d be devastated.

Madison shook her head, equally as stubborn. “You’re being ridiculous--he has to know.”

“No, you can’t tell him! If he found out that he left me like this to go on tour, he’d never forgive himself!” I pressed my palms together in prayer as I pleaded for her to listen.

“I can and I will.”

“No.” I repeated. “No, please don’t do this.”

She sighed, dropping her phone momentarily as her arm fell to the side. “He’s already worried sick about you as it is and besides, the way you’re acting there’s no way you’d be able to hide it.” She pressed her lips together, looking down at me in that sympathetic sort of way everyone had been ever since the accident. “Trust me, it’s the right thing to do.”

“Exactly--he’s already worried about me.” I shot back. “You want me to give him one more reason to be?”

“Chris, if he doesn’t find out now--”

I growled and threw my hands up in exasperation. “God, fine! I’ll tell him, okay?”

She froze, shocked as she did a double take. “You’re going to tell him?”

I nodded, still feeling hesitancy over my own words. The fear over telling Jack such news did anything but diminish despite my caving in. I added softly, “You’re right. He deserves to know.” I gulped, repeating for emphasis, more for my benefit than hers, “I’ll tell him.”

Madison slowly nodded, considering my compromise. “Okay...well I guess it is probably better he hear it from you...” She glanced at me. “When are you gonna tell him?”

“Hey, don’t rush me on it, okay? It’s not something I exactly wanted to greet him with, you know?” I shivered as I imagined Jack’s return only for me to ruin it all with admitting my recently diagnosed depression.

“Fair enough.” She said. “But if you don’t tell him soon, I swear--”

“I’ll tell him.” I cut her off with an eye roll before she could finish her threat.

She flinched, her recently healed left arm flinching back cast-free as she dropped her phone back into her purse. “Okay...well good.” She bobbed her head. “Now. Let’s get you back home so you can get your rest before your lover boy returns...” She laughed to herself as we once again began walking towards the car, taking a second before she added in tease, “Don’t want him coming home to a zombie, now do we?”

I just rolled my eyes, shooting up my middle finger in response.

~*~

For once, I was excited. After over a whole month away, Jack was finally coming home. To get ready for such an occasion, I decided to suck it up and listen to my sister. I got my rest thanks to the sleeping pills, took my anti-depressants and even managed to get ready completely by myself.

...well, almost. I was really getting tired of that goddamn brace, but fuck if I didn’t try. I ended up putting on a nice summer dress--a bright, flower printed sun dress to be exact so I could outwardly match the elation I was feeling that Jack was coming home.

Point was, by the time Jack flew into LAX that glorious Saturday morning, I was anxiously waiting for him, nothing but smiles. They were even genuine because dammit, did I miss my man.

“SALLY!” I could hear his wild shout seconds before I could actually spot him in the crowded airport filled with people searching for their luggage. “SALLY!” He called again, shooting up a hand this time and waving it wildly into the air. This time, I couldn’t miss him.

“JACK!” I called out in return, hopping as quickly as I could as I maneuvered through the travel-worn crowd, half of which already looked totally done with LA and it’s palm trees, celebrities and bright California sun.

“Hey, let him come to you.” Madison told me, easily catching up to my five hops with the crutches. “It’s not like it’ll kill you to wait an extra two seconds.”

I eyed her and gave a pout, but stayed put as I waited for Jack to arrive. Sure enough, a whole seven seconds later (I counted) he was finally in front of me, looking a bit tired but otherwise his normal chipper self. “Hey baby!” He grinned, sneaking a quick kiss before I could so much as blink.

“Hey!” I smiled, hopping forward enough so I could use his shoulders as balance. Once I was stable, I handed my crutches over to Madison. “I missed you...” I told him, pressing down on his shoulders so I could properly hug him. He accepted instantly, allowing me to squeeze him tightly to my heart’s content.

He laughed, his familiar lighthearted chuckle sounding like heaven. “Missed you too.”

At the sound of his warm, soothing voice, I only hugged him tighter as I let out a breath of relief I felt like I’d been holding in ever since Jack had left. He’s finally home again. I reminded myself as I squeezed my eyes shut, taking in every touch, every scent, every sound I could so I could remember it forever. Everything will be okay.

“Babe, it’s getting a bit tight.” Jack’s body vibrated against mine as he chuckled, voice strained as I was probably beginning to cut off his airways.

I immediately released him, sniffling as I apologized. “Sorry...”

His cheery smile fell, taking my suddenly sullen expression as we broke free. It was impossible to miss as on a dime, I’d changed from all smiles to being seconds away from tears. “Sally, what’s wrong?”

I gulped, surprisingly holding back the tears relatively well as only a few traitors escaped down my otherwise dry cheeks. I shrugged. “I just really missed you, ‘s all.”

Jack’s dark brown eyes glanced over at Madison in worry, who feigned innocence over my change in mood. I was barely taking the anti-depressants, and as the doctor had warned, it would probably take some time before I was completely in balance once more. He also recommended seeing a therapist on a regular basis, though I had been way more hesitant in actually following through with that. Something about talking to a complete stranger about my deepest, darkest thoughts didn’t bode well with me. Not to say that I ever wouldn’t do it if I had to, but I didn’t have to.

...I think.

“I missed you a lot too, Sally.” The corner of his lips broke up into a small, sad smile. “Just ask the guys--you were all I could seem to talk about.”

I rolled my eyes, wiping the embarrassing tears away with the back of my hand as I let out a laugh. “Yeah, right...”

“I’m serious!” He pressed on, pearly whites growing in brightness as he let out a laugh of his own. “As soon as I hung up the phone with you, I’d let them all in on what you told me you’d been up to that day and if I was bored I’d be like, ‘I wonder what Sally’s doing?’.” I eyed him in doubt while he admitted without a hint of regret. “What can I say? I’m pathetic without you around.”

“Ditto.” I shook my head with a smile as my eyesight cleared, the threat of anymore tears temporarily behind me.

“Yeah, you two are really made for each other.” Madison laughed, leading the way to where she’d parked her car. Thanks to the traffic on that particular Saturday, it took at least ten more minutes before we located said car and twenty on top of that before we were able to get out of the parking garage. It was far from the worst traffic I’d been in (Disneyland and any concert had it beat by miles) but by the time we finally made it home, I felt like we’d been at the airport for ages.

As we entered our apartment, not much was said, other than perhaps Jack letting out an over-dramatic sigh of happiness as he belly-flopped into our (previously made) bed. He stayed on the bed for a few minutes, sinking further into the black comforter with a content smirk.

“Your boyfriend is a weirdo, you know that?” Madison whispered with a light chuckle, peering over my shoulder as I watched Jack snuggle into the large mattress not unlike a nesting dog. “Our bed is SO soft.” I could hear Jack practically moan as he looked to me seconds away from slumber. “Sally, how can you ever leave this? These sheets are like laying on clouds!”

“I know.” I smirked at my sister. “Why do you think I love him so much?”

Madison rolled her eyes, snorting. “Beats me.” Then, she knocked on the side of the doorframe a few times, awaking Jack from...whatever it was he was doing. I couldn’t explain him all the time. “Hey, you good? I have to leave, remember?”

He shot up from the bed, eyes hooded slightly. “Oh, yeah we’re good!” He nodded quickly, shooting up from the mattress and a few quick strides later and he was standing in front of Madison and I. “I’ve got it from here. Go on and enjoy Tahoe, you crazy kid.”

Madison raised a brow. “Napa. I’m going to Napa with my boyfriend for the weekend. I told you this like ten times.”

Jack brushed off her correction with a flick of the wrist. “Pssh. Tahoe, Napa--they’re both fancy as fuck.”

She cracked a smile. “Well, you’ve got me there.”

We then followed Madison back to the front where her suitcase was already ready to go. She’d anxiously packed the night before as she gushed about how excited she was to get away with her boyfriend for the weekend, and how she hadn’t seen him since April and consequently, how much she missed him. It was the first time in a long time that I’d seen my sister this excited over a guy, and it made me curious just who the mystery man was who’d stolen my sister’s heart.

“Thank you so much for helping me out while Jack was away.” I told her as we began our goodbyes. “It really means the world to me.”

“You mean the world to me,” She easily responded, smirking as she drew me close for a loose hug. As I was in earshot, she quickly muttered thru her teeth, “You still telling him?”

I nodded into her shoulder. “Yep.” I whispered back, replying simply.

“Great.” She let me go, her warm smile still laced with unwavering worry despite my assurance. I guess no matter what, she’d always fret about her little sister. She pursed her lips. “Well...I better get going. Don’t want to miss my flight.”

“Have fun in Napa!” Jack smiled as he crept up behind me, hugging me from behind. “Don’t get too drunk on the wine.”

Madison chuckled. “I’ll try.”

Jack nodded, his smile fading slightly as his voice dropped in all seriousness, “Thanks again. For everything.”

She just smiled. “Hey, of course. We’re family.”

Then, after a few more exchanges of waves and ‘‘goodbye’s”, Madison was gone, leaving Jack and I alone for the first time in a while. And suddenly, my promise to Madison that I’d tell him about my most recent doctors visit sent my heart in a nervous flutter. For a good minute, I contemplated not telling him, but frowned as I could see that biting me in the ass later. After all, I lived with the man and granted, he was away for tour a good chunk of the year, but still. He would be able to tell if something was wrong. As it was, my near cry fest had to have already given him a hint that I wasn’t totally back to my normal cheerful self, so any attempts at hiding my depression simply wasn’t going to work.

So, instead of chickening out like I desperately wanted to and pretend like everything was just like normal, I returned my focus on telling him. Or, more precisely, building up the guts to tell him.

How would I even begin? After all, depression isn’t exactly a normal topic of conversation one could bring up all casually like you would with, say, the weather. It wasn’t some simple thing that I could announce to my boyfriend and expect nothing to come of it, either. It was a big deal, and it was certainly something not to be taken lightly as I knew all too well. Hiding it for as long as I had from Madison had been an absolute hell, and who knows what could’ve happened if I kept quiet. It was important for it to be out in the open. It was the first step in healing, as my doctor put it.

Yet, just because I knew Jack had to know didn’t solve the whole ‘how do I tell him?’ thing. Should I just blurt it out, get it out in the open? Or should I sit him down and offer him a cup of coffee or something before I broke the news.

Fuck this was hard.

“Something on your mind?” Jack raised a curious brow as his eyes inspected my transfixed expression. I must’ve looked so foolish, staring off into the distance as I tried desperately to quickly come up with the best way to break the news to him.

I awkwardly cleared my throat, shaking my head. “What? Uh, no, nothing.” I stuttered.

Jack didn’t seem so convinced. “You sure? You looked like you were in your own little world for a second.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I shook my head again as I brushed off his worry with a half-hearted, “It’s nothing.”

He exhaled loudly through his nose, tapping his pointer finger lightly a few time against his skinny jeans before hesitantly backing down. “...okay...well I guess I should clear out my suitcase and do some laundry before all my sweaty clothes stink up the rest of the place...” He turned around, barely getting two steps away before I stopped him.

“Wait!” I shouted, my voice several octaves higher than usual in an almost chipmunk like tone. He turned back around, eyebrows raised in curiosity. I took a breath before slowly admitting timidly, “Actually I...I do want to say something. It just may take me a while to actually say it out loud so I’d really appreciate it if you let me take my time with this.”

My tone of voice must’ve sent up red flags within Jack, but instead of freaking out like I was, he just nodded patiently, “I’m listening.”

I gulped, closing my eyes for a second as I began,“Well...I guess where it all started was with the nightmares.”

His face scrunched up as he repeated, “The nightmares?”

I nodded, biting my lip. “Yeah...I mean technically the nightmares started before I even woke up in the hospital, but either way I would get them almost every time I fell asleep. Deep, painful nightmares that took away everything I’ve ever cared about. I know it probably sounds crazy for that to bother me so much, but you’ve gotta believe me when I tell you I couldn’t tell apart the dream from reality. Especially when I was in a coma, seeing everything I saw, I--”

He cut me off with a calming shush, and in a beat he was rubbing my back in a slow, soothing motion as I’d temporarily gotten caught up in my emotions. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s not crazy.” He assured me.

I huffed. “Not yet it isn’t.”

He just frowned, while I continued. “Remember when I wouldn’t talk to Jo at the hospital? Or how I kept avoiding her calls?” He nodded. “It’s because of the nightmares. Every time I saw her, I pictured what she’d done to me in my head. And it was weird...I knew it wasn’t her fault, but the second I saw her or even thought about her, it was all my mind would go to. So when Madison surprised me with Jo visiting a few days ago, I lost it. I lashed out, yelling at her for going behind my back and lashing out at Jo for doing something she never did. After that, Madison took me to the hospital where I was officially diagnosed with depression.” I took a shaky breath, shutting my eyes tight as I waited for Jack to say something, anything.

“Depression?” He numbly repeated, his soothing circles on my back suddenly seizing as his hand dropped. I quickly opened my eyes in panic only to see Jack staring at me with that same sorrowful gaze. “This wasn’t caused because I left for tour, was it?”

I frowned at him. “No, trust me--my head was well on it’s way to being fucked up before you left, believe me.”

He just stared at me, licking his lips in thought as he tried to make sense of what I’d just admitted. “But...but you never said anything. I thought you were getting better.”

“I didn’t know what was going on.” I sighed honestly. “I still don’t, not really. I mean, one second I’m fine and the next I feel like the saddest person in the world.” I paused, as if on cue feeling my throat begin to swell with sadness. “I can’t control my emotions, Jack. I mean, I’m taking anti-depressants which are helping, I think. But it’s still going to be a while before I can really say that I’m back to normal.”

For a few moments after that, he didn’t say anything. He just stood there as he thought back to every exchange between he and I the past month or so, and it didn’t take long for it to click that my mood had been doing anything but getting better. “I’m so sorry, Sally.” He breathed, looking genuine as he grabbed me into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry I didn’t notice before. But now we can get through this together, okay?”

I practically bawled right there, feeling a pang in my heart over Jack’s apology. How like him it was to be sorry that he didn’t notice, that he didn’t pay more attention so he could’ve spared me pain. I found myself suddenly mute, unable to respond to such a loving statement, so instead I just nodded into his shoulder, letting myself just sink into his arms.

We stayed that way for a while, holding onto each other desperately as I finally let go, letting the unshed tears I’d been holding back for ages fall carelessly onto Jack’s shoulder. I think he might’ve cried a bit too, though it was honestly hard to tell considering how much I was shaking. I felt like a volcano, the tremors running down my body as the lava-like tears trickled down to the valley below.

Eventually though, the tears subsided and, as I regained control of my breathing, I felt a welcoming calmness wash over me. “Feel a little better?” Jack asked as we parted. His voice was horse and his eyes were a bit redder than I recalled. Maybe I wasn’t imagining him crying after all...

“Yeah...” I sniffed, giving him a weak smile. “And you?”

He nodded. “Yeah...I think we both needed that.” He paused as he ran his hands over his face, wiping away any evidence of our bawl fest. “Look...I know it’s gonna be fucking hard, dealing with this depression. I’ve known people who’ve gone through this shit and I know what it can do to someone’s mental state--”

“Jack...” I began, but he pressed on.

“All I’m saying is you’ve gotta remember that no matter what you’re loved, by a lot of people. Your family, your friends, and by no one more than me.”

I nodded, confused why he’d be so desperate to remind me of such a fact. “I know that.”

“I know you know but just...” He paused, glancing down at the floor as he muttered, “Don’t forget it, alright?”

I stared at him for a second, unsure how I could ever forget such a thing, but nodded none the less. “I won’t.”

He smiled weakly in return before kissing me firmly, as if desperately attempting to cement his words into my brain so I couldn’t forget. Then slowly we parted, the kiss leaving me breathless and my heart a flutter as it always did. Depression be damned, nightmares be damned. Jack was here with me, he loved me, and he was going to do everything in his power to help me get through this newest hurdle life was throwing at me.

I was going to kick depression’s ass.

Notes

Super long chapter, and a ton happened! People finally know what's going on, so yay!

Opening lyrics are from "Funhouse" by Pink (or P!nk? You know who I mean) and don't forget to rate/review/subscribe. You lovelies know the drill :)

ENJOY!