And now I'm told that this is life
That pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify?
Our broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on?

“Today’s the big day!” Anna squealed in excitement as soon as she entered my room, her bright smile matching the morning sun. It was now the day I was set to be released, and I was clearly not the only one ready to book it out of the frigid tomb they called a hospital. “You excited, cuz?”

I nodded anxiously, while Jack smirked at me from his spot in the corner. Out of everyone, he was the person who’d most consistently been by my side, only taking one or two breaks the entire week. Even then, he would only disappear a few hours at most, returning long before I even had the chance to miss him. It was comforting, after everything, how I could trust to have him by my side when I woke up--and believe me, this was a much appreciated gesture. Ever since I arose from that nightmare of a dream, my subsequent journeys into dreamland had become skewed and twisted, tainted with hints of what I had once thought to be real. I saw Jack and Jo together. I saw Melody’s happy smile. I saw the way Jack flinched at my touch, or refused to look at me.

When I awoke from these dark, nightmarish dreams, it was always the same. I would jolt up, hot and sweaty and I could feel my heart pounding wildly in my chest. My eyes would dart around the room, relieved to find myself once again in the same hospital bed I’d been in since the accident, as being in the hospital was far better than the mental torture I’d been putting myself through in my dreams. The hospital means I’m safe, I’d tell myself. The hospital means Jack still loves me. Frantically, to prove my point, I turned my head to the left towards the cushiony love seat where Jack had basically taken up camp. The only other vacant piece of furniture in the room was a rather uncomfortable looking chair with a hard plastic seat, so sure enough, I could always find him there, on that love seat. Sometimes he’d be awake, ready to calm me down from my nightmare, and sometime he’d be sound asleep himself, curled up in an awkward position as he’d tried his best to fit his long-limbed body on the short makeshift bed. But, awake or not, his mere presence was enough for the fear to subside.

I was okay. It was just a nightmare.

I told this to myself often. It was an anchor, a way to remind myself that there in that hospital bed, that was my reality, and nothing in those dreams were real, even Melody. Not anymore...

But on that day I was getting released from the hospital, for once I didn’t have to remind myself of such things. For once, my mind was distracted on other things, focusing on the fact that I was finally going home. Dare I say, I even found myself smiling at the idea of returning to the LA apartment. Anna bobbed her head, her lips pursed tight as it was obvious to anyone who knew her that she was dying to say something. “So...” She singsonged as casually as she could before she finally asked, “Speaking of you going home, Chris...you sure you don’t need my help next month? Cause if you wanna change your mind on Madison, just say the word. I’ll be out of school in a few weeks, so I’ll have a ton of free time--”

“I’m sure.” I rolled my eyes, having already heard her ask about this more than once. I’d be going home with Jack, but by June he would be forced to go on tour. As it was, he’d already cancelled a few gigs following my accident, which already pissed off the big wigs at Interscope. I guess to them, as long as Jack wasn’t personally the one injured in the accident, he didn’t have an excuse to cancel out on shows like that. You know, despite the fact that he’d lost his daughter and nearly lost me.

Assholes.

Unfortunately, he and the rest of All Time Low could only cancel so many gigs before they were in deep shit. So, before they were totally fucked and dropped from the label, Jack reluctantly agreed to go on the scheduled summer tour to promote Dirty Work.

This, of course, meant I’d need someone with me while he’s away thanks to my broken leg and all. Or, at least, in Jack’s eyes. I had assured him I’d be just fine on my own, that I could manage a month on my own, but Jack insisted on having someone around just in case I needed something. Madison jumped at the chance, despite still having a hand brace herself.

But I guess, minus a hand and a leg, I still preferred having Madison around over Anna for a month straight. I loved Anna, don’t get me wrong, but I could only take so much of her before I’d go totally nuts.

“Not that she isn’t grateful for the offer.” Jack added, winking at my cousin as he made sure she felt appreciated.

“Um, yeah, of course.” I quickly emphasized. “I’d love for you to help me out, but, you know, Madison’s already agreed and she’s staying in LA just for me, so I’d hate to replace her just like that.”

Anna’s shoulder’s slumped. “Oh, well...can I at least still visit?”

A laugh escaped my lips. Did she really have to ask? “Duh, of course.”

This made her perk up a bit, pleased by my response. “Great!” She grinned.

“Speaking of visiting...” Jack turned to her, brow raised. “...you still going to go to our show in San Francisco?”

Anna practically squealed despite knowing about the show for several months at this point. I think she’d yet to get over the fact that Jack had personally invited her to one of his shows. It was a first, as it would be the first one I wouldn’t be able to attend with her, and in a way, I think that little fact made it that much more exciting. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to letting Anna loose without some sort of supervision, but I trusted Jack to keep an eye on her. In his own little way, I think his inviting her to a show was Jack’s way of officially accepting Anna into the All Time Low family. After all, we all may have complained about her wild and crazy fan-girling for the last few years, but in reality she was pretty harmless. She just really, really loved the guys. “Of course!” she replied, hopping up on the balls of her feet in mere thought of the upcoming show.

I, meanwhile, couldn’t help but frown, feeling an unexpected wave of jealously wash over me as I realized even if I wanted to, I couldn’t join Jack and Anna at the show in June. It was a strange concept--me being jealous of Anna. Suddenly the tables were turned, and for once I was the one that’d be stuck home while she and Jack were off having a concert-filled blast.

So not fair.

Outwardly though, I tried my best to keep my jealousy hidden, instead focusing on reminding Anna of the rules while at a show. I’d obviously told her said rules well over fifty times at that point, but with Anna, there was no such thing as overkill on the rules. She was getting better, I admit, when it came to going to shows. But she still had a long way to go. “...and make sure you stay out of the crew’s way when you’re watching the show side stage, alright? I know how mesmerized you can get as soon as the show starts.” I told her, keeping my gaze serious as I reminded her of yet another very important rule to abide by whilst backstage.

She rolled her eyes. “Dude, I’ll be fine. Plus, it’s still like two weeks away, so I still have some to prepare for the show.”

I sighed. “I know. I just worry.”

She huffed a laugh, probably finding it ironic that despite after everything I’d been through, shewas the one I was fretting over. “I know you do...” She paused for a beat, taking a few steps towards the duffle bag that’d kept a change of clothes as well as a book, my iPod and phone. She unzipped the dark bag in one swift motion before grabbing my change of clothes and handing it to me with a smile. “But seriously, Chris. Let’s get you out of here, okay? The sooner you’re out of this place, the sooner you can get on your feet and be back on that stage with Jo, rocking out just as you should be.”

I smiled at my cousin softly, gratefully grabbing the clothes from her. “Sounds like a plan.”

~*~

“You sure you’re okay?” Jack asked me as I struggled to adjust to walking with the crutches I’d been given to use for the following month and a half. Anna, meanwhile had the front door open and watched me with concerned eyes as I stubbornly hopped into the house. It may have taken me longer than I was proud of, but I did it, dammit.

“I’m good.” I muttered, teeth clenched as my brain was focused on ‘walking’ with my crutches and simultaneously keeping my braced right leg raised high enough to keep from putting any pressure on it. It may not seem like much, but when adding the fact that I had to discard the temptation to put one foot in front of the other despite my broken leg, it took a lot of mental concentration.

I eventually passed Anna, and as soon as Jack, who kept only a step behind me, was inside, she shut the front door. She did so quietly, keeping her distance as Jack shuffled his way in front of me, moving the small pile of clothes that’d been left on the couch. I guessed this was leftover from a quick run back home to change, and Jack probably didn’t give a rat’s ass if things were strewn about if that meant shaving a few seconds of being away from me. “Uh, sorry...” He apologized as he tossed the clothes into the hamper in the hallway. “I just, I didn’t get the chance to clean up much before I picked you up--”

I shook my head, putting his mind at ease. “It’s fine.”

He swallowed, nodding. “Well, the doctor said you should stay off your feet as much as possible, so...” he gestured towards the spot he had cleared on our couch. I complied, carefully rotating my body as I gingerly sat down on the cushioned furniture. Then, once my injured limb was properly raised with a chair and a pillow, Jack timidly sat down next to me. “Do you need anything?” He asked. “Water? A snack? I think I have some Chex-Mix in the cabinet still...”

I shook my head, my appetite feeling virtually non-existent at the moment. “No, I’m good...”

“...do you wanna watch something?” Anna cut in, nodding her head towards the big screen television perched on the wall parallel to the couch I was currently sitting on. “We could catch up on that show you like. You know, that British one with the time travel.”

Normally I would’ve wasted no time in correcting Anna on the name of the show she was trying to talk about with me, but I didn’t have it in me. Hell, I didn’t even really care that Anna of all people--the queen of anti-science fiction, was offering to watch my favorite show about a time traveling alien with me. The offer instead fell flat, as I just shook my head, my gaze falling down as I muttered, “I’m actually kinda tired.”

Anna, to her credit, didn’t sound disappointed that I had turned down her offer. “Oh, that’s fine. I should be getting back, anyway.” She explained with a flick of the wrist. “School night, and all.” Her gaze turned to Jack as she asked, “You sure you won’t need any help? I can spend the night if I need--”

“We’ll both be fine, Anna Banana.” He chuckled, assuring her. “I think I can handle taking care of my girlfriend.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know you can. I’m just saying...” She paused, glancing at me timidly before leaning in, whispering, “...maybe I miss hanging out with her, okay?”

My heart fluttered at Anna’s words. She and I were more than cousins--we were friends. I mean, personality-wise we were about as polar opposite as we could get, but there was something about the way we balanced each other. She was crazy, sure, but I was always there to calm down her crazy. It’d always been that way, as long as I could remember, and our closeness only grew as we got older. In fact, other than Madison, she was hands down the closest family member I had.

She ran to me, stretching her petite torso over me as she snaked an arm around my neck in a tight hug. “Love ya, cuz.”

“Love ya, too.” I whispered, leaning into her embrace for a good moment or two before she finally released me, sniffling lightly.

“Okay.” She smiled, wiping her watery eyes with the back of her hand with an embarrassed laugh. “I’m good now.”

“You okay to drive home?” Jack asked her, and she quickly nodded, explaining that she could do the drive from our apartment back to her house in San Diego in her sleep.

“I’ll be fine.” She assured him, giving me one last wave goodbye before she opened our front door. “I’ll see you guys later. Get some rest!” The last bit, of course, was directed towards me. Then, she was out the door.

“So...” Jack began, his voice soft and oddly hesitant. “If you want to get some rest, the bedroom’s all set for you. And the shower’s all set up too, bath-seat included. I made sure to get one since you can’t stand and as you know, my shower has no ledge or anything to sit on...”

I stared at him from my spot on the couch as his voice faded into silence. “Um, yeah. A shower sounds great, actually.” I wasn’t lying, either. Though I’d kept up my hygiene as much as possible while in the hospital, there was of course a huge difference between an awkward five minute rinse in front of a nurse, and a nice steamy shower at home.

He nodded, stepping to the side as he helped me get up. I hopped up, one hand grabbing a crutch, while the other squeezed Jack’s arm in support until I could properly balance myself. Then, once both crutches were properly in place, I carefully followed Jack into the master bathroom where, sure enough, there was a sturdy plastic bath chair all ready to go in the shower.

“Fancy.” I raised a sarcastic brow as I sat myself down on the porcelain seat so I could get ready to bathe. Temporarily, I couldn’t just hop into the shower like normal. Instead, I had to put on a rather unattractive looking garbage bag on top of the brace to keep it from getting wet. Jack would help me with getting the plastic on, as I couldn’t bend over very far before feeling immense discomfort thanks to the still-healing wound in my abdomen.

“Okay, lift.” He ordered with a soft smile, gesturing with his head for me to lift my arms so he could help get my shirt off. I complied, raising my arms above my head so the black My Chemical Romance shirt I’d been wearing could be taken off. It was shed, leaving my torso completely exposed as I’d forgone a bra out of convenience.

Immediately, I noticed Jack’s once lighthearted grin fall as he gave a heavy gulp, eyes taking in my new disfigured appearance with a shaky breath. My eyes followed his, observing the way my once flat stomach now looked like a deflated balloon, flowing like the hills of the desert in awkward mounds. More horrifying were the two unmistakable dark scars gracing my once flawless skin. One I’d already mentioned, a reminder of the scrap metal that nearly killed me. But the other was farmore emotionally scaring in my eyes, a reminder of what I’d truly lost.

The c-section scar.

Its long, precise line just below my belly button followed the outer edge of my womb, the dark purple of the healing skin taunting me, its mere existence making me swallow back tears once more. I sniffed as I kept my voice low, taking Jack’s silence as him being overwhelmed by my new hideous body. “I know. I’m disgusting.” I muttered, the shame in my voice clear as day as I braced myself for Jack to agree with me. Hell, he probably wouldn’t ever be able to look at me the same after this. How could he? The wounds were impossible to ignore, horrific and discolored as they centered around black and blue bruises.

Jack’s eyes shot up as his mouth fell into a sharp frown, his reaction on the brink of being offended. “What? No, Sally, of course you’re not--I just, I hadn’t seen everything up close before.” He paused, his eyes wandering down to my scars one last time before shaking his head. I noticed his usually bright brown eyes were brimming with emotion as he asked me, “Babe, you really don’t think that, do you?”

I swallowed hard, shooting my gaze down to the floor as I countered, completely serious as I shrugged lamely, “You don’t?”

His hands shot up to my face, raising my gaze until I was forced to meet his concerned brown eyes. “Sally, I will never think you’re anything but the most beautiful woman in the world, got it?” His voice was suddenly void of the lightheartedness that had been there before, his honesty breaking thru and speaking to my soul.

I stared at him in wonder, my mind suddenly clouded as I couldn’t understand why he could be so sure of this, after seeing me now. “Jack, how can you say that?” I whispered, letting my head droop as I torturously stared down at the very thing I found so hideous.

“Because I love you.” Jack shot back, his voice even as he leaned in closer, dropping his forehead against mine. Our noses were touching, our heavy emotion-filled breaths nearly in sync. I shut my eyes tightly as he bravely continued, “I don’t care about the scars, or any of that crap, alright? I just care that you’re still here, alive, with me.”

His voice broke then. Startled, I lifted my eyelids to see a tear freely fall from the corner of his left eye and down his cheek until gravity took over, the droplet falling down to the tiled bathroom floor without a sound. I choked back a sob, seeing him so emotionally vulnerable breaking my already fragile mind. “I love you.” He repeated, lowering his head so his warm lips pressed against mine. A shiver sent down as I took in his delicately romantic touch. He lowered his voice as his kisses trailed ever so slowly up my jaw towards my ear. “I’ll always love you, no matter what...” He breathed, his lips now mere centimeters away from my ear, causing every inch of my skin to immediately burst to life.

The lump in my throat grew and I gulped, fighting back the urge to cry and cry and cry. How had I become so lucky? What did I do to deserve someone like Jack? I felt lower than I ever had in my life and here he was, professing his love for me all over again. “I’m so sorry.” I croaked, resting my head on his shoulder, feeling my body shake as I released silent sobs, gasping into his ear as I did. “I’m sorry.” I whispered, repeating the words again and again as we held onto each other for dear life.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The words rotated in my head, and I quickly lost track how many times I’d said the words out loud. I honestly wasn’t even sure what I was apologizing for. For calling myself ugly? For putting him through this? For losing the baby? It didn’t matter, I just knew I had to say it, and hoped each time I did, it’d make the crippling ache in my chest hurt just a little less.

Notes

Aw I'm really feeling for Chris right now :(

Opening lyrics are from "Misguided Ghosts" by Paramore.

Hopefully more to come soon. Probably by Sunday? Let's aim for Sunday lol :P