***This chapter, mostly the last half could be a bit too much for some. Read at your own risk

I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way...

For the next few months, as promised, I really tried. I tried to focus on the good in things, to not let the negative thinking and hurtful memories stop me from living my life, and for a while, miraculously, it worked.

Things actually began to look up. Though I still had my ups and downs, it was like something had switched inside of me and I felt like I was in control of myself again. The determination and pure stubbornness held its own against the doubt and fear. Little by little I begun digging myself out of the hole I’d fallen into. It was difficult to get past the barriers my mind had built up, but I called Jo and apologized for being a angry at her for no reason, which she happily accepted. I guess she’d been super worried about me ever since I’d freaked out in front of her, and I couldn’t exactly blame her. I was just glad she’d accepted my apology because even though she wasn’t exactly the touchy-feely, share-her-feelings kind of girl, she was still a really awesome friend that even through the fog of my tortured mind I knew I missed her.

I did other ‘adventurous’ things, too, after that. I hung out with Lisa and Cass and didn’t even flinch when a fan walked up to Cass to get an autograph. I should note that I was extremely thankful said fan didn’t recognize me, as I have a feeling things could’ve gone way differently had that been the case.

I even went on a day trip to Niagara Falls with Jack just because. Can you believe it? Me--actually go out for fun without an incident to speak of. Let’s just say I was very proud of myself that day. I got a cupcake to celebrate and everything.

It was the little things, you know? And I honestly couldn’t have done it without Jack helping me each step of the way.

Not to say that things were totally fine and dandy those long fall months. After months of uncertainty on where our band stood with Fearless, Midnight was dropped. We weren’t surprised or offended, though it was a disappointment, obviously. The guy that broke the news to us seemed very sympathetic that he had to let us go, but explained that they simply couldn’t wait any longer for me to get better. After all, we as a band hadn’t performed in over six months at that point, and we were basically holding up a spot for newer, bigger and (possibly) better things for the label. It wasn’t personal. It was just business, he said.

It sure as hell felt personal. The only reason we weren’t touring at all was because of me and everyone knew it. I’d been physically healed for months, yet my setbacks with other...problems that everyone in the band other than Jo had been left totally unaware. They were annoyed with me, I was sure. I would be annoyed with me, anyway. I was holding them back, keeping them from actually making a decent living doing something they loved. And now, because of me, the band was basically back to square one.

Some friend I was.

Christmas came and went without much affair, though I did, per my mother’s request, spend it in San Diego this time instead of Baltimore. Thank God Jack went with me. I don’t know what I would’ve done, being constantly asked how I was doing, feeling like all eyes were on me as if I was suddenly a different person than I had been since the last time I’d been home.

Timidness was common around me now, especially with the younger half of my family. My cousins under twelve hadn’t seen me since before the accident, but had been informed by their parents the basics of what I’d gone through. They were skittish, bracing themselves as if I was going to break down at any second because of the trauma I’d experienced the past year. To be fair I was unsure of this myself, considering my ‘episodes’ still happened, though considerably less frequently since I’d actually begun trying hard to improve. It’s amazing what a bit of stubbornness and persistence can do. That being said, their nervous glances in my direction every ten seconds or so didn’t help.

Despite being treated like a china doll, I managed to make it through my Christmas visit without incident. Jack was so proud of me. He wouldn’t stop smiling at me all the way home, marking it as a milestone as it’d been the most congested environment I’d been in since the accident and I hadn’t freaked out once. “I think you should go on tour with me again.” He announced, his voice cutting off the soft sounds of the car radio, currently jingling out an instrumental version of Jingle Bells.

I glanced over at him hesitantly, watching the yellow glow of the streetlights flash through the car in a hypnotic pattern of dark and light. Though his comment might’ve seemed a bit out of the blue, it wasn’t too hard for my tired mind to connect the dots. Jack saw me socialize without any freak out. To him, socializing with our friends and fans was the next logical step.

I wasn’t so convinced.

I bit my lip. “Um...did you just see me back there? I held myself together on the outside, sure; but believe me, I was one bad memory away from losing it. And that was with my family. I can’t even imagine with strangers--”

“Come on, it’ll be fine.” He pressed on, keeping his eyes on the road as he reasoned with me. “We’re doing that small Canadian tour, remember? Plus, I’ll still be there if you need me AND if it becomes to much, there’ll always be places for you--you know, the bus, or the dressing room or a hotel room if we’re lucky and Matt is nice.”

I considered his logic. “In other words, you’re saying that don’t want me to hide out all day, but if I have to escape for a bit, you’d understand?”

He bobbed his head. “Baby steps, remember?”

“Right...” I sighed. “Baby steps.”

“You could even ask Madison or Anna to come join us if it’ll help. I’m sure Matt wouldn’t mind.”

I chuckled. “You really want me to agree to this, don’t you?”

He shrugged innocently, though didn’t deny my observation. “Duh. I will never say no to an opportunity for my beautiful girlfriend to join me. I’m taking advantage of this while I have the chance, before you go back on tour with Midnight.”

“You mean ‘if I go back on tour.’” I corrected, letting a big gulp of air flow through me. “I really don’t know what Midnight’s future is right now, to be honest.”

Since I was dating an eternal optimist, my words didn’t phase Jack in the least. “You guys’ll get back on your feet, don’t worry.” He smirked. “Just you wait. This time next year, Midnight’ll come back bigger and better than ever. You’ll be singing your heart out and selling out venues before you know it.”

I highly doubted this, but for Jack’s sake I still smiled. “I sure hope so...”

~*~

The chilly Canadian tour begun shortly after 2011 ended and the new year, the bright and new 2012 began. After some minor convincing on Jack’s end, I joined the boys. I knew I would. Staying behind in Baltimore wouldn’tve done me much good, as the only thing I could’ve done other than lounge around the house and binge-watch Netflix (which I was trying really hard to ease up on) was meet up with Jo, Mark and the rest of my band to figure out what the hell we were going to do now that we were without a label. I was afraid of the blame, afraid of the anger that I was sure would come, and despite being beyond nervous to deal with the wild and crazy tour environment that came with ATL, I quickly decided that dealing with unpredictable fans was a hair more bearable than dealing with my irate band members. I’d been ignoring them for months, and couldn’t even begin to figure out how to explain myself without sounding like a total nutcase.

So Canada bound it was.

The first few days of tour went without much fanfare. I expanded my social circle little by little, reacquainting myself with the crew I once worked with. Guys like Kyle and Jeff were ecstatic to see me again, eager to tell me all I’d missed since the last time I’d visited. In reality, it’d only been a few months, though the last time I’d been far from talkative, so I couldn’t exactly fault their excitement that I was actually willing to chat this time around.

When it came to show time, I tried my best to stay out of the way, keeping to myself in a little space next to a stack of large heavy chests labeled BACKUP DRUM EQUIPMENT just behind the curtain on Jack’s side of the stage. The typical antics on stage would commence, and if anything despite the so-so reaction to the band’s latest album, the fans seemed more into the music than ever. Songs like ‘Heroes’ and ‘Guts’, the latter of which held a special place in my heart as I’d been asked (or more accurately, Alex begged me) to do the demo version of the harmonies before the heads at Interscope insisted on replacing me, bringing in an artist on their own label.

No hard feelings, though.

By the time the Toronto show came around, the fourth tour date on our little adventure into Canada, I was actually feeling pretty comfortable with tour life. I was feeling almost at home, even. You know, how I used to feel before I felt like I needed to hide from the world thanks to the shit-kicker known as depression. I was humming along to songs, I was laughing with friends, I was having fun; all of which I thought I would never be able to do again. I had been so lost in myself, so hung up on what I’d lost that I forgot that there was a world out there filled with amazing people doing amazing things, no matter how little. Some people may bash the music scene, considering it a waste of time, but for those hour sets or however long an artist is on stage, time is anything but wasted. It’s cherished. Every goddamn second there’s a connection among hundreds of thousands of strangers that, just for a moment, make them really feel something. Maybe it’s happiness that the band that saved their life is actually standing in front of them and they’re real living people. Maybe it’s love for a certain song that brings back special memories. Whatever it is, it’s irreplaceable, it’s special, and dammit, I sure did miss it.

During this particular stop, Matt had surprised us all by booking a hotel just a few blocks away from the venue for the night. I was particularly grateful for this, since up until that point I’d been sharing a bunk with Jack on the bus. I didn’t mind sharing with him, but the bunks were only built for one person to lay in comfortably, not two. Jack is a tall guy, and with his long limbs I could barely squeeze into the bunk without falling off.

That’s a lie. I fell off and landed on my butt once when the bus made a sharp turn on the freeway. I was just thankful the bunk was the lowest possible, otherwise I could’ve seriously hurt myself.

Jack and Alex, who had been mindlessly browsing the web on his phone at the time, laughed like stupid-ass hyenas.

So as I said, the hotel was a blessing in my eyes. Though they weren’t suites like we’d been spoiled with in the past, the hotel rooms were still on the fancy end, with large rooms, flat screen TVs, and mini bars.

Jack was especially happy about the latter.

We stayed in the room for a while as we made it into town with quite a bit of time to spare, too exhausted from an overnight drive to do anything touristy. Jack ended up dozing off on the large king sized bed we were sharing while I caught up on the latest reading recommendation by my dad. Eventually though, it came time for Jack to go down to the venue to do a quick meet and greet with the fans, followed by a soundcheck a half hour later.

“Can you wait like, five minutes?” I asked him, eyes glued to the book in front of me. I normally didn’t get that into the books my dad recommended as of late, but this one had me on my toes at every page. “I just want to finish this chapter.”

“Babe, I’m already late as it is.” Jack chuckled as he shoved his foot into his shoe, lacing the converse with expert speed. In case this isn’t obvious, he had a habit of being late. Though Matt liked to tease that it was my fault, it usually wasn’t. Jack just had a habit of losing track of time. “But if you want, you can just meet me down there when you’re done? You have your laminate, right?”

I nodded, gesturing over to the red and black colored badge Matt had given me earlier. My eyes were still glued to the thriller, too enticed by the story to really register Jack’s suggestion. “Okay, sure. Sounds good.”

He smiled, leaning over my frame to press a firm kiss to my forehead. “Alright. Call me if things change. Love ya!” He blew one last kiss before shooting out the door, closing the frame shut with a light click.

“Love ya too...” I mumbled, taking in yet another shocking turn of events in the story in my lap. It took a minute--okay, probably closer to five before I even dared lift my gaze from the ink on the paper. I found myself alone in the stark silence and suddenly a shiver ran through me. I hated being alone. Being alone is when the thoughts really took over.

“Jack?” I called out, voice tiny despite knowing full well he’d probably be arriving to the venue across the street by now. There was no way he could hear me. “Shit.” I cursed. I threw down my book with the same speed that had possessed Jack before, throwing on a fresh shirt and shoes before yanking the door open and nearly forgetting the very laminate Jack had made sure I’d had not even ten minutes prior. It was kind of important, you know, if I wanted to get in backstage, and all. I grabbed the lanyard and dashed out of the hotel room with lightning speed, shooting down the hall and into the elevator in under a minute. I weaved in and out of the crowded lobby, dodging older couples and young families who decided to visit most populated city in Canada.

I made it maybe twenty feet onto the sidewalk when two girls, maybe sixteen years old stopped me in my tracks. They were fans of All Time Low if their attire was accurate, and their dumbstruck expressions made it clear to me that they’d recognized me the instant they saw me. “Holy shit, are you Christina?!” The shorter of the two asked, knees bent down slightly as her hands flew up in pure shock, as if she were seconds away from jumping up and down in joy.

I eyed them carefully, not really wanting to deal with such...energy, but forced a warm smile despite this. I was in control, after all. I could do this. They were just harmless, well-meaning fans. “That’s me. You guys going to the show tonight?”

The other girl, who was substantially taller than her friend and nearly three inches taller than myself, nodded in excitement, her curly black hair jiggling with every movement. “We’re so excited!” She told me, her voice nearly chipmunk as she gave a nervous laugh. “It’s our first show!”

“Well you picked a great first show.” I smirked, the girls reminding me a bit of Anna and how much she’d been looking forward to seeing All Time Low that first show in San Diego. She’d been talking about the show pretty much non stop as soon as it was announced, and just couldn’t wait for the day to arrive when she’d finally see the four dorky boys from Baltimore for the first time. When it finally did come...well we all know how much of a mess she was. I think had it not been for my out of the blue interaction with Jack the morning after the show, Anna would’ve equated our experience at the concert being the most exciting thing to happen to her. Now here she was, two years later and talking to Jack and the rest of the boys (pretty much) like it was no big deal. She was still Anna, of course, and would occasionally have a fan girl moment or two (or five) but she’d eased up substantially. “Not that I’m bias or anything.”

“We know.” The black haired girl nodded quickly again, not unlike a bobble head. “By the way, we’re also huge fans of Midnight and we totally love you and Jack together.” Her friend nodded in agreement. “Just putting that out there.”

“Well thank you.” I smiled, my formally forced smile easing into a more relaxed, genuine one. “I love Jack and I together, too.”

The shorter girl rocked on her heels, the expression on her face making it clear she was dying to say something. Sure enough, a second later, she blurted out, “Is Midnight performing tonight?”

I winced, feeling bad that I’d put her hopes up by just being there. After all, Midnight hadn’t performed since March, and for any die-hard fans (which from the wide, bright smiles these girls were giving me, I thought they very well might be) any possibility of a surprise performance would be the best thing ever. “Sorry, I’m kinda just visiting. Jo and the rest of the gang are still in Baltimore.”

Both girl’s shoulders visibly fell. Short girl’s lip drew into a slight pout, but only momentarily as she glanced back up at me with a hopeful smile. “Oh...well could you come back to Toronto when you do tour? No pressure, or anything but we seriously love you guys.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the girls desperately optimistic tone. “We’ll be sure to try.”
This definitely cheered the girls up. After a few more minutes of chatting with the young fans (I really didn’t have to rush to meet up with Jack...he was probably busy, anyway) they asked for an autograph. They handed me an issue of AP magazine, one with the ATL boys that I assumed they’d brought along for them to sign. I was a bit hesitant to sign the cover as well, though the black haired girl, the more talkative of the two assured me it was fine. “You’re basically apart of the band. You’re like an honorary member!”

I smirked at this. The boys had in fact told me that very thing on multiple occasions. It was just a bit odd to hear it come from a fan’s mouth. After all the girlfriends could be out of the picture at any moment as far as they were concerned. To have my signature next to the guys was really solidifying their faith in me and my relationship with Jack. Hell, just look at Lisa and Alex. Despite dating since high school, there were still plenty of fans that doubted they’d stay together forever and I doubt many would be willing to have Lisa’s autograph next to Alex’s in fear of the ‘inevitable’.

So when these girls were all for me signing the punk music magazine in the bottom right corner far and away from the boys’ faces, I was shocked and honored, momentarily in a haze of happiness that they’d loved me that much.

It was just as I was handing back the magazine and her silver sharpie that it happened.
I know she didn’t mean it. The girl meant to offer nothing but sympathy, and in reality her words shouldn’t have effected me the way that it did. But, that’s the funny thing about triggers. Sometimes they happen when you least expect it, and sometimes they come in the smallest of packages. “Thank you so much! And, can I just say, it’s so nice to meet you...I admire you so much and when I heard about what happened with the car crash and everything I just couldn’t believe it. I’m so sorry.”

Looking back, I probably should’ve prepared myself for fans mentioning what’d I’d gone through. It was only natural they’d say something at some point, especially considering Jack had been pretty quite on Twitter when it came to explaining what had happened and I’d basically given up any form of social media myself. He did assure everyone that I was alright and improving day by day, but other than posting a link to an open letter Jo had written explaining what had happened on our official band page, he’d ignored pretty much any questions having to do with the accident. But of course, our fans were smart, and despite never announcing it, it didn’t take much to figure out that we’d lost our baby. And at that moment, looking into those two teenager’s sad, sympathetic eyes, I knew they knew this. Though they didn’t say a word about it, their expressions still pierced my soul. I gulped, feeling my heart quicken as the warning signs of an episode began blaring in my head. I could already feel myself begin to slip into the horrid uncertain, dark thoughts.

I had to get out of there. Now.

My eyes shot to the floor as I stuttered a quick apology. “I’m sorry--I, uh...I have to go.” I barely got the words out before my legs took over, taking large, quick strides back towards the elevator to get back up to the room.

“What’d you say that for?” The girl’s friend upset voice echoed lightly through the marbled lobby as she hissed loudly at her friend.

The other girl was immediately on the defensive. “I’m sorry, it just came out, okay? I didn’t realize she’d react like that!”

The girls continued to bicker, but luckily I didn’t have to listen to them too long as the elevator door opened and I got in, pressing the floor number I’d only just left. I shut my eyes, trying to calm down as I hoped beyond hope I could curb the episode before it even began. The elevator doors shut a second later, leaving me completely alone in the empty box.

“I’m okay.” I whispered to myself, taking a slow, deep breath. “I’m okay. It’s nothing. Just...calm down...” I sucked in another lung full of air. “Everything’s fine.”

“You sure about that?” A vividly sarcastic voice cut through the silence like a knife. Instantly, a chill ran down my spine, knowing instantly that the hallucination had won out. Again.

“You’re not real.” I seethed, opening my eyes to glance at the ever-casual ghost version of Jo.

“Yet you are talking to me.” She shot back, eyebrows cocked up as her head was raised in victory. “You’re not going crazy, are you, Chris?”

An annoyed growl reverberated from my lips, twisting my body so my back was turned to her. “I’m in control.” I mumbled, keeping my gaze up stubbornly. “And I’m not talking to you.”

“Sure you’re not.”Ghost Jo chuckled.

I kept my lips pursed tightly, reminding myself again and again that no one else was actually with me. I was alone. I was alone.

My eyes darted over to the electronic number above the buttons indicating what floor the elevator was currently on. 5. My room was on the 7th floor. Just two more floors. “You can try all you want to ignore me, but I’m not going anywhere, Lawson.” Fake Jo continued to taunt me.

I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly shut. Keeping my gaze firmly on the red electronic numbers, I let out a breath of relief as it finally read 7. As the elevator let out a ‘ding’, I didn’t even let the door fully open before I shot out the door, leaving ‘Jo’ in the dust. It was as I finally reached the hotel room that I froze, realizing that being alone was exactly the last thing I needed, and maybe going up to my room wasn’t the wisest idea.

I mean, really. What was I doing? I was allowing my demons to win, that’s what. Every time something like this happened, this is what I did. I hid from the world and let the nightmares take control of me. And despite all the fighting in the world, sometimes a battle simply can’t be fought alone. Saying I was in control was one thing, but actually being in control...well that was a different story entirely.

I couldn’t keep this up. I’d gone though months of seemingly calm waters in my head, but in an instant it was like all my sanity was gone.

I needed Jack. I reached into my jacket pocket, ready to pull out my phone and call him. I was ready to break down and tell him everything, because dammit, I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d had enough. I needed help. But I frowned when I realized my pockets were bare minus the hotel key. I’d left my phone in the room.

Before I could change my mind, I shoved the electronic card into it’s slot and opened the door with a firm shove, ready to grab the phone and go before more hallucinations took place, but froze as I found a very familiar figure already in the room. “Jack?” I frowned, jaw unhinged slightly as I took in my boyfriends presence with confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you.” He explained, relief written all over his face. “Where were you?”

“I was in the lobby...” I paused, taking a deep breath. “I was going to go meet you in the venue, but another episode happened and Jack, there’s something I need to tell you.” I sniffed, guilt washing over me from keeping it from him for so long. I was an idiot to think I could handle something like this myself. He needed to know. “Jack, I think there’s something seriously wrong with me.” I kept my gaze planted to the ground, fearful of how he’d react to such news.

I imagined his face paled as he slowly replied, “What do you mean? Is the depression getting worse?”

I shook my head, letting my long blond hair fall in front of my face to help hide my freshly fallen tears. God, I was a mess. “I think I’m going crazy.” I whispered. “I’m seeing things--I’m hearing voices that I know aren’t there. They come at the most random moments, but when they do I can’t fight it. I’ve tried, but...” I gasped as I fought back a sob. “I need help. Fuck, I really need help.”

For a beat, he didn’t say anything. I braced myself, waiting for the assuring words I desperately needed to hear. But, when nothing came, I lifted my gaze, peaking through my hair like a curtain to find Jack staring at me looking stoic. “Jack?” I began, my voice tiny. “Please say something.”

“Seriously? First the depression and now you’re seeing things? Anything else you’re not telling me?” His voice was laced with venom, and he looked beyond pissed that there was yet again something wrong with me.

I coiled back as I stuttered, “W-w-what?”

He barely looked at me as he paced in front of me, on a tangent. “I mean, shit, what do you want me to say? This is deep shit and you, what, want me to tell you that everything is okay? Because I don’t know what the fuck to do, honestly.”

“Please, Jack..I wanted to tell you earlier, but--”

He cut me off, blood practically boiling as one particular word caught his attention. “Earlier? How long have you been seeing things?”

My heart quickened as I hesitantly admitted, “...since Alex’s party.”

He stopped pacing, arms folded in front of his chest as he flat out accused, “So you’ve been lying to me?”

I quickly shook my head. “No, I just--I thought I could handle it myself.”

“You mean like you thought you could handle the depression yourself?” He shot back, rolling his eyes as he added, “We both know that turned out so well.”

I groaned, upset that he was taking this so negatively. “Look, I’m sorry for not telling you--”

“You haven’t been telling me a lot of shit, apparently.”

“I can’t control it!” I yelled.

“And whose fault is that? I can’t believe that after everything you didn’t tell me the second this happened, but you know what? Maybe it’s for the better because I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this psycho shit.”

I immediately paled. “What are you saying?”

His ridged demeanor loosened slightly as he slowly told me, his voice significantly less sharp, “I can’t do this, okay? Ever since we lost Melody, things have been different between us. We’re not a couple anymore, not really...and honestly the only reason why I’ve stuck around this long is because I feel sorry for you. I just...I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you.”

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you.

It was like my nightmares were seeping into reality, more so than they ever had. I’d been worried for months that my mental state would eventually drive Jack away, but never in my wildest imagination did I ever think he’d be so...cold about it.

I stubbornly denied his admission. “No, no, no. This isn’t you speaking. This can’t be. You love me.”

“That’s the thing; I don’t.”

This couldn’t be happening.

This wasn’t real. I mean, how could he be so heartless? He’d been by my side for months and never gave up on me for a second, yet suddenly me finally being open to him makes him break up with me?

No.

This wasn’t right.

“So that’s it?” I frowned, throwing my hands up as I finally dared lift my head all the way up, snapping my neck up so my long locks flew out of my face. I looked like an all out mess by this point, probably only adding to the case that I’d truly lost my marbles, but I didn’t give a fuck. “You say I’m a burden so you don’t love me anymore?”

“How could I love you? You’re so lost in your head most of the time that maybe it would’ve been better if--”

“If what?” I seethed, daring him to finish that thought.

“If Melody wasn’t the one that died in the crash.”

Whatever strength I might've had crumbled and in an instant I broke at his words, having heard that very thought every time the voices came out. My blood ran cold, for once feeling like maybe he was right. Maybe the voices were right. I was a lost cause, damaged goods broken beyond repair. “You really think that?” I snapped. He just stared at me, not daring to actually repeat the thought aloud, but it was enough.

I’d had it.

I was finished with all of it.

Finished with the menacing thoughts, finished with feeling like I had no control of myself. I was done with it all.

I ran into the bathroom and shut the door, grabbing the two prescriptions I’d been given. I popped open one of them and downed as many pills I could. I then threw the bottle angrily to the floor, discarding it carelessly as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Immediately a chill ran through me. Had I really just done that? I barely flinched when I caught something out of the corner of my reflection. ‘Jo’ was back, no doubt to taunt me until the end.

“So you’ve finally listened, huh?” She smirked, pleased that I’d actually done something.

“Shut up!” I screamed, no longer caring if anyone heard. It was all going to end, anyway. “Why couldn’t you leave me alone?!” I threw my hands up, grabbing a chunk-full of hair in each fist as I grabbed the strands tightly. “Now he hates me and he said he doesn’t--” I sucked in a mouthful of the frigid air-conditioned oxygen as I fell to the floor in a pathetic heap. “He said he doesn’t love me.”

“Yeah, I know. I am in your head, remember?”

“How could he say that? I need him and he said he I’m a burden.” I gulped, my eyes darting up to ‘Jo’. “It’s all your fault!”

“Hey, you’re the one that chose to keep this from him...”

Obviously I’m an idiot. “I thought I could handle it.” I sniffed, letting my head droop as I lay my cheek against my arms before raising my knees in a fetal position. “I just want the voices to stop.”

“Well it shouldn’t be too much longer. How many of those pills did you take, anyway?”
I shrugged. “Enough, I think...” I sat on the cold tile for a minute before asking, “You think they’ll miss me?”

“Maybe for a little, but they’ll get over it. They’ll get on with their lives. Jack will find someone else, Midnight will find a more competent, less crazy singer and everyone’ll be happier.”

“You’re probably right. I’ve just been ruining everyone’s lives by not dying when I should have.” I was beginning to get sleepy now. I could feel the pills beginning to kick in.

Now, I don’t know if it was the extra drugs in my system, but my normally consistent hallucination faltered and suddenly, it wasn’t Jo in front of me, but Jack. Not just Jack, but the very Jack that’d broken up with me moments before. Same outfit, same hair, everything. “At least you’ll be with Melody now.” He told me, looking almost happy to see me falling apart like this.

“Jack?” I lazily tilted my head to the side as I took him in. Suddenly, a horrific thought ran to the front of my mind. My weakening body grasped just enough energy to sit up straight as I asked, “Was that really you out there, or--”

“A hallucination?” He finished with that same goddamn smirk ‘Jo’ had just a second or two before. “Like Jack would ever break up with you like that.”

“But...” I was at a loss, not even making much sense to myself as regret sunk in. “I didn’t mean to--I was upset and it was all too much. I wasn’t thinking--”

“It’s a bit too late, now.” ‘Jack’ shrugged, eyes glancing towards the disregarded orange plastic pill bottle. “Sorry.”

“No, I can’t believe I actually did it.” I shook my head, barely moving my head back and forth as I felt myself sinking deeper into the floor. I was beginning to lose consciousness. “I can’t die.”

My vision was beginning to fade at this point. My mind was growing numb, but just as I was completely lost to the world, I swear I heard Jack--the real Jack, shout for me. “Sally!” His voice echoed violently within me, the only think that kept me from completely slipping into the darkness. His voice grew louder as he called for me again. “SALLY?” This time, the bathroom door shot open and I could barely see his tall figure stand under the frame. In an instant he dove to me, grabbing my limp body into his. I could hardly acknowledge the light tapping to my cheeks in hopes of snapping me out of it, but I just couldn’t seem to will myself to wake up. I was in too deep, too far gone to find my way out. I’d truly fucked up, and now I was paying the ultimate consequence. There was no way out of the hole I’d dug myself this time. The darkness filled me until eventually, I saw nothing, felt nothing, and could hear nothing.

I was a goner.

Notes

I know I'd promised this to be out last week, but as you can see it's sooooo long and so much happens that I didn't even think of splitting anything up. I know it's a lot to take in...

Hopefully the next update won't take too long :)

Opening lyrics are from "Shadow of the Day" by Linkin Park. Enjoy?