Dear Diary

-December 14, 2015-
Dear diary,
It’s my birthday today. I’m 18. I’ve gotten pretty far in life, huh? I should probably be proud of myself. I should probably be so happy on my birthday right now. I should probably be eating cake and laughing with my friends and partying.
But I’m not.
Instead, I’m locked in my room doing what I do everyday. Laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, thinking about how life is a load of shit. Happiness is a delusion. We’re all fucked up on the inside. People are shitty. The world is fucked. I will fade into oblivion.
Just the same old routine.
My birthdays are always pretty uneventful, anyway. No one actually gives a shit about me, except for maybe Rian. He’s been my best friend since sixth grade. But, I can’t really go to him for anything about my problems; he’ll just tell me to try therapy, which I actually have tried, once upon a time. It didn’t help, and I wasn’t expecting it to. I guess some people really are just mistakes. Little specks of dust. A waste of space, time, money.. A waste of life. That’s me. Cheers to another year of being a waste.
~I long for the feeling to not feel at all~

-December 15, 2015-
So, I guess my birthday wasn’t that uneventful, after all. Rian ended up coming over and dragging me out of bed, claiming that I was “ruining my own birthday.” I kept trying to argue against it, but he just wouldn’t leave. So, I threw on a hoodie and some sweats, despite Rian’s complaints. Then, I left with him, and let him drive me wherever he was going. I kept asking where, but he would only respond with, “It’s a surprise.”
Did I mention I hate surprises? Anyway, the next thing I knew, we were parked outside Zachary Merrick’s house. There were a shit ton of cars lined up, and I knew there had to be a party going on.
I asked Ri what the fuck we were doing there, and he simply responded with, “Having fun,” before he got out of the car and I was forced to follow.
Bad idea. Big mistake. Coming in here was a mistake.
There were too many sweaty, drinking and dancing bodies all around me. I hated large crowds. Rian knew that, but he brought me there, anyway.
Rian soon ditched me to talk to some pretty girl with freckles, and I knew I’d end up being alone the whole night. So with that, I decided to go sit on the stairs and hope that no desperately horny teenage couples would step on me on their way up.
And that’s when it happened.
“Parties not your thing, either?”
I looked up, meeting a pair of doe, brown eyes, and a little smile that would make my knees weak if I had been standing. At that moment, I began to wish I had decided to wear a better choice of clothing.
“Uh.. N-no.. Not at all, actually.” I cursed myself for stumbling over my words so much.
He just laughed it off and luckily continued talking to me.
“Well, same here.” He offered me his hand. “Wanna be socially awkward together?”
And that’s how it started. I found out his name was Jack. He went to a school about 15 minutes away from mine. He had jet black teased hair, and a laugh adorable enough to make anyone swoon. He told me he was dragged to the party by his friends against his will. I told him of how I had a similar story, except it was also my birthday.
“No way, Happy Birthday!” He smiled at me, making me smile for the first time that day.
We talked of our obsessions. His being Home Alone and mine being thinking of song lyrics that are aesthetically pleasing to my current mood.
“Lyrics? What kind of music do you like?” He asked, out of curiosity.
“Probably no one you’ve heard of..” I answered, shrugging down at my feet.
“Try me.”
So, I told him some of my favorite bands, and got butterflies as I watched his smile grow and grow.
He told me he loved Blink-182 and Green Day more than anything in the world. And if I didn’t have a crush on him then, I most certainly did now.
We went into deep discussion about our favorite songs and band members and why. I never wanted to stop talking to him. It turned out that going to that party was actually far from being a mistake. Once Rian told me we had to go, I felt the sadness come right back from where it had briefly escaped me.
“Hey um.. Could I have your number? I’d love to keep in touch.” Jack asked, holding out his phone to me.
I blushed and accepted, clumsily typing in my number and becoming very thankful I didn’t forget it out of nervousness. I handed it back to him, and he thanked me with a smile, before saying goodbye.
I said bye in return, and got little smirks from Rian the whole ride home.
I’ve been texting Jack all morning.
~Is it wrong if I think it’s lame to dance?~

-December 26, 2015-
So, it’s obviously been a little while since I’ve last written. The past few days have been extremely eventful, and quite frankly, absolutely amazing.
And that really is saying something, coming from me. All thanks to him.
We had been texting back and forth throughout the week, and we’ve learned more about each other. A few days ago, he called me to ask me out on a date. My insides exploded with a similar mixture of butterflies and anxiety, and my voice held nothing but pure shock as I asked him to repeat himself.
“Do you. Want to. Go on. A date with me. Please.” He chuckled, making me blush and smile.
“W-Why would you want to go on a date with me?” I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.
“Why wouldn’t I? You’re beautiful and you’re the only human being I enjoy talking to 24/7.”
And so I went out with him last weekend to get frozen yogurt. We laughed about our brain freezes, and held hands as we sat at the nearby park and watched the sunset.
It was amazing, and I couldn’t stop smiling the second I got home.
Now to more current and exciting news, the one and only: Christmas. He had been telling me he was sad that he’d be out of town for the remainder of Winter break. I was sad too, but me being the lonely, bitter, melancholic boy that I was, I was even more than sad about not being able to see him. I’d send him way-too-large texts everyday about how much I missed him, then cursed myself after for being so clingy and annoying. But, luckily, he didn’t seem to think so, on account of the way he’d send me even longer texts back about how he equally missed my presence.
He really did know how to make me smile, but it didn’t take away the fact that no amount of presents or food or texts could possibly make me feel less dreary on Christmas without him.
I moped around all morning, ignoring my Mother’s attempts to cheer me up at all costs. Or at least that was until he texted me this: “Come answer the front door gorgeous ;)”
I stared at my phone for a moment, trying to figure out if he was messing with me or not, then I decided to go to the door and open it.
And there he was, standing there wearing a big red sweater and holding a wrapped gift in his hand.
I ran into his arms even before I knew it, and smiled at the feeling of bliss I felt from his strong arms wrapped around me.
Soon we were sitting on my bed and he was thrusting the box towards me.
“Oh Jack, you didn’t have to get me a present.. You being here is more than enough.” I pouted, though he wasn’t having it.
“I didn’t have to, I just wanted to. Now open it!” He insisted.
I sighed dramatically, then opened it, revealing the Blink shirt I told him I wanted a long time ago.
I squealed and gave him yet another long hug.
“Jack oh my gosh! Thank you thank you thank you!”
“I’m glad you like it.” He chuckled.
I pulled back to look at him and pouted.
“But.. But I didn’t get you anything..” I started to feel really awful for not getting his present ahead of time.
He broke my thoughts by cupping my cheek with his hand.
“You can give me this.”
Then, he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I knew my face had transformed into a tomato, but I was too caught up in the kiss to care. I decided in that moment that I never wanted to feel any feeling again, other than the one I felt just then.
Jack was mine and I was his. We cuddled for the rest of the night.
~I’ve got a boyfriend now, and he’s made of gold~

-February 22, 2016-
Big news. Big big big big news.
It happened. It fucking happened.
I lost my virginity to Jack last night. And it was.. I can hardly find the perfect word for it. Blissful, sweet, euphoric, perfect.. All of the above.
It was one of the colder nights here on the east coast, and I had invited him over to have a movie day with me, where we would watch all the Home Alone movies together (his choice).
We were cuddled up in my bed, under the cozy blankets, eating a bowl of marshmallows.
“Popcorn is too cliché for us.” Is what he said when he brought the huge bag of them, making me laugh.
We were both content with the moment we were sharing; he was laughing at every other scene while I rolled my eyes and laughed with him, because his laugh was so contagious.
Then, in the middle of the third movie, he smiled at me and slowly started to kiss my neck.
I blushed, and tilted my head a bit to give him easier access. That’s when he started the whispers. The sweet, soft whispers against my skin.
“You’re so beautiful, Alex. You know that? You’re perfect. Everything about you.. Perfect.”
I didn’t know what to say. Everything he whispered to me were things that I could never ever say or even think about myself. But it did make me wonder how he could say those things. How could he possibly see anything in me that was even remotely beautiful?
“Did you know it, Alex?” He broke me out of my thoughts.
“What?”
“Did you know how beautiful you are?”
He looked at me as though the question was no longer rhetorical. So, I answered truthfully, by shaking my head, no.
“Then how about I show you just how beautiful you are?”
And with that, he proceeded to make love to me for the very first time. He was so gentle and loving; it felt so tender and sweet and right.
After our activities, I curled up into his side, tracing patterns on his chest as it rose up and down quickly.
That’s when he said it.
He said what I never thought I’d ever hear from someone.
“I love you.”
I didn’t even think I’d heard him correctly.
“W-what did you say?”
“I said I love you. Like.. I’m in love with you. I-is that okay?”
I felt my cheeks heating up as I stared at him in shock.
“I-It’s more than okay, Jack..”
He turned his head to look at me.
“And why is that?”
“B-because I love you too.” I cupped his cheek and kissed him, feeling that wonderful feeling again as he kissed me back.
I am in love.
~A little taste of heaven~

-April 22, 2016-
Bad night. Really really bad night.
It’s 1 A.M. and I can’t sleep. I’m a fuck up. I fuck everything up. Why did I have to do it?? Fucking why?!?!
I should explain myself, I guess. A few days ago, I went to our school’s football game with Jack; our schools were playing against each other.
We thought it’d be fun. Everything was cool. Neither of us were actually into football, but we went for the hell of it and laughed with each other instead of actually paying attention to the game.
But then I had to pee. I announced this, then got up to leave for the bathroom.
“Hurry back.” He smirked, giving me a tiny smack on the ass, which I playfully glared at before I left.
When I came back, though.. That was when the problems started.
I approached him, seeing him talking to some girl.
“Uh.. Hey?” I greeted in confusion.
“Alex, this is Jasey. We just met.” Jack cleared up the confusion, but not the uneasy feeling I got in my chest.
She looked me over for a second, then directed all her attention back to Jack, without saying anything to me.
“So, you wanted my number right?” She giggled, tossing her hair back over her shoulder.
She was flirting with him right in front of me. She was trying to make me jealous. It was working. Oh fuck it was working.
I was walking back down the bleachers before I could register.
I’m not enough. That’s what he wants. That’s what he deserves. Not me. Not a waste.
A waste. I hadn’t called myself that in a long time. It was about time I remembered.
I went in the bathroom and started freaking out. I was a crying, shaking mess.
He doesn’t want you anymore He doesn’t want you anymore He doesn’t want you anymore.
It wouldn’t stop repeating over and over in my head. It hurt so bad.
I didn’t even realize what I was doing. I could hardly feel my own nails scraping against the skin of my wrist in a pitiful attempt to relieve myself of the panic. I didn’t even hear him come in.
“Alex! What are you doing?!” He yelled, making me freeze and turn to look at him.
His expression: bewildered.
He quickly walked over and took my hands, then looked down at the new, skinny red lines on my wrist.
“What is this?! Why would you do this?!” He seemed so upset and I felt awful for making him feel that way.
“Th-the girl.. You.. Y-you’d rather be with her..” I sniffled, soon realizing just how pathetic I actually sounded.
“Jasey?? I barely even know her! Did you.. Did you think I would actually..” He didn’t have to finish his sentence to know the answer.
“Alex, I don’t want anything to do with her! I didn’t even give her my number! I fucking love you, how could you actually think that??”
“I-I don’t know! I’m so stupid, I don’t know!” I cried, feeling like the dumbest person on the planet.
“And did you really have to do that to yourself?? I feel like a load of shit now..” He frowned, staring at the ground.
I quickly shook my head.
“It isn’t your-“
He cut me off.
“Let’s just go, okay?”
Since that day, Jack has been really distant lately. It’s like he just doesn’t know how to carry conversations with me anymore.
It hurts, it really does, and even more so because I know that I’m the cause of it. He’s gonna break up with me. I know he’s gonna do it and when he does I don’t know if I wanna stay here any longer. My life had no meaning before Jack came along. I can’t lose him. I’m gonna lose him. Fuck.
~I’m not meant for this world~

-April 23, 2016-
Dear Jack,
I’m sorry.

-April 24, 2016-
Dear Alex,
I love you. I know this is your diary and all, but I swear I’m not reading anything. You look so angelic and peaceful sleeping next to me right now. Aren’t you so glad I came climbing in your window at midnight? I am. I’ve missed you. I said it earlier, but I’m really sorry for acting like a jerk lately. It’s just that when I saw you like that.. It was hard, you know? And a lot to take in. I didn’t understand how someone as beautiful as you could possibly have it in them to do something like that to themselves. Or to even think that you could possibly be replaced. I’m not judging you for it at all, I just want to figure out a way to help so you’ll never do it again. I won’t rest until I do. I love you, Alex. I really really do. I don’t even know what I’d do without you in my life. I don’t want anybody else. You’re my world. Don’t you ever forget that.
-Jack <3

-April 24, 2016-
I’m gonna kill Jack for opening my diary.
~I love you and I’ll never leave your side~

-July 14, 2020-
Wow, hello old friend. I was just packing my stuff, when I stumbled across this old thing. I’ve just reread the whole thing, and wow.. High school was tough. How about a happier life update?
Obviously a lot of things have changed in the past few years, starting with the fact that I am now 22 years old, and out of college. I am not depressed; I may have little moments of self criticism here and there but I’ve learned not to dwell on my flaws or what I’m worried the outcome of any situation will be. Living is easier when you allow your mind to be free. But it’s only something you learn how to do with time. It does get better, as they say. Eventually.
One thing that hasn’t changed? The love of my life. Jack has been my side all these years, and worked with me through all the rough times. And he definitely played a part in helping me fix myself. I don’t know what I’d do without him.
As a matter of fact, he and I are engaged, now. We went on a beach trip two weeks ago, and yes, he went for the written proposal in the sand.
He thought it was lame but I thought it was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for me.
Right now, we’re in the process of moving in together. I couldn’t possibly be happier. Jack showed me the beauty of life. He taught me that there is beauty in who I am. He changed a bitter, pessimistic boy into the happiest man in the world. And I can’t wait to see what our future holds.
I think I’ll take you with me.
~We could make forever after all~

Notes

I felt a strong urge to write a oneshot. This sucks really bad but here you go.

Thanks! :)