I’ve got to be honest. It had been nearly a month and it was weird. My relationship with Jack wasn’t the most serious thing there was. Sure, the public knew about it, we had labeled ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend, and we hung out quite frequently. But it wasn’t like we had fallen in love yet and we didn’t spend that much time together. Yet it was still strange. There never was an official ending to our relationship. All that happened what that Jack got very mad, which was unreasonable, and he just left. Never during that conversation was there a clear ‘we’re done’ or ‘I want to break up’. But, let’s be honest, it was pretty clear based on everything else.

Even if that fight didn’t indicate that we were over, then the silence since that encounter did. Jack hadn’t texted or called. Neither had I. He even went back to his instagram feed and deleted the three pictures he had on there with me, only leaving the one of the day we met because there were many other people in it as well. I felt like being on his level of pettiness and did the same to my account even though I only had one picture with him. The only reason I was still following him was because I didn’t want this break up to be too public. I didn’t need another relationship ‘scandal’ so soon after my divorce.

The reason why I wasn’t that upset was probably because of the reason it ended in the first place. Yes, I was upset that we just ended so abruptly, but on the other hand I didn’t owe it to him to be upset. I really thought he was being completely unreasonable. Why would I waste my time by being upset about some insecure guy who had to think that everything had to be cheating? It really wasn’t worth it. That doesn’t mean I didn’t cry about it. I just didn’t stay cooped up for weeks because of it. After the first week had passed I had collected all my thoughts and reasoned my way through it. It might not have been the healthiest thing, but it was the most logical to me.

What I didn’t expect was that somebody was going to ring my doorbell. You see, it might be normal for anybody else, but it wasn’t normal for me. I got phone calls from the security at the gate. I didn’t get people physically ringing my doorbell. Dave and Judy didn’t even ring it. They just came in with their own keys. This actually made my heart drop and fear settle in. I grabbed a kitchen knife in one hand and my phone ready to call security in the other before slowly approaching the front door.

I could see the shadow of a person through the matte glass. They weren’t trying to hide, but that didn’t make it any less scary. Because I was taking so long to get to the door, they started to look around themselves. I reached out for the doorknob and hid the knife behind my back, ready to attack if I had to. As I turned the doorknob, I could feel my own heartbeat and the adrenaline started rushing through my body.

“Oh, it’s just you,” I breathed out and relaxed, letting the knife appear from behind my back and just be held at my side. “Wait– What are you doing here?!”

“Umm…” Jack’s eyes traffed down my arm and fixated on the knife for a few seconds before forcing himself to look at me. “Wh– Why are you holding a knife?”

“If you’re here to pick up stuff you’ve left, go ahead and look for it, I didn’t bother collecting any of it. I’ll stay out of your way, but will not be leaving my own house,” I clarified for him, putting my phone back into my pocket and leaning against the door.

“No, no that’s not why I’m here–” he couldn’t tell me any quicker, his eyes still flickering towards the knife. “Why are you holding a knife?!”

“Well, let’s see, some random person just rang my doorbell. I don’t know if they were going to hurt me,” I explained, talking with my hands and making Jack flinch as I also moved the knife around.

“Paranoid much?” he chuckled, his eyes still not daring to look away.

“What would you do if somebody managed to get through security and is suddenly at your door without any warning? You could have jumped the fence or something.”

“Oh, yeah, right… I forgot that is a rational fear for you,” he nodded while in thought.

“Look, Jack,” I sighed, not sure if he was mocking me or not, or for what reason he was suddenly at my door, “why are you here?”

“Oh, umm…” he scratched the back of his head before pointing at the knife. “Do you mind putting that away first?”

“I really don’t have the time for this,” I told him. It was a lie, I had nothing else to do, but I didn’t feel like waiting for him to get out what he wanted to say. He wasn’t exactly my favourite person. “Just say what you want to say or leave.”

He took a deep breath, finally looking away from the knife and decided to stop stalling. “Okay. I was a dick. A huge dick. And I want to apologise, because I realise everything I said was stupid and hurtful. I let my own insecurities get the best of me.”

“Yes, and?” I urged him to continue despite it seeming like he had said his part. First of all, it was quite a self-centered apology, and second of all, I didn’t know what he wanted. Was this for his own conscious? Did he want to be friends? Did he want to get back together?

“And…” he started again, taking the hint. “I realise you don’t have to accept my apology, but I’d like to give us another shot.”

I looked at him for a long time, trying to form an answer. He was looking back at me hopefully. Now was the time I realised that not processing my feelings hadn’t been the greatest thing to do, because I didn’t know how to react. The only thing I knew was that he had said stupid shit, and he had realised that now. But it still didn’t feel like I could just be okay with it. It was deeper than that. Yet, I also didn’t know exactly what it was.

“I don’t know,” was my final answer. The vaguest thing I could say yet the one that described exactly how I was feeling.

“No, no, I get that…” he nodded, his hope faltering just a little. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the two tickets I had left behind with his roommates. “I, umm, if you’re willing to at least give it a shot, I’d like you to take you to the game you gifted me tickets to.”

“I don’t recall giving those to you.” I frowned and crossed my arms, careful not to hurt myself with the knife.

“Oh, yeah, well Dan and Andrew were cool with me taking you,” he shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck again. He knew exactly what I meant, and that made me even more confused. I was being ambiguous yet he understood. “That it, of course, only if you want to go.”

I checked the time on my phone and saw that it was supposed to start in half an hour. Part of me was screaming to close the door in his face and never turn back, but the other was so confused about his apology. I didn’t know whether to just go to the game and see what would happen, or not risk it.

I looked down at my outfit consisting of just sweatpants and a sweatshirt. My hair was up in a very messy bun. Not exactly date material. My eyes flickered around the floor and I picked up the red converse at the door before finding a place to put down the knife. Eventually, I just put it down where the converse had been before.

“Okay, let’s go,” I told him, getting a big smile in return.

––

I didn’t say much in the car while Jack was driving. He did try to make some conversation, but my answers were just as short as before. I was too busy still trying to figure out how I felt and what I thought of this whole ordeal. I was so busy thinking about it that I barely even said anything to him during the game. The most I said was a ‘thanks’ when he bought me a drink. I felt bad for him buying me things when I wasn’t even sure what I wanted from him. I probably should have been more in the moment, but at least Jack was enjoying the game.

My thoughts were distracting me so much that I didn’t even realise what was going on around me anymore until Jack nudged my arm. I broke out of my trance and my eyes landed on the large screen at the scoreboard. When I read the words ‘kiss cam’ and noticed that we were the couple being filmed, my eyes went wide. I quickly looked at Jack who already was looking back at me.

“Only if you want to,” he said, once again being annoyingly understanding.

On one hand, I couldn’t just not do anything with so many people watching, but on the other this was a complicated situation. However, I didn’t have the time to think about it, I had to act fast. I don’t know what I wished happened, maybe I hoped this would give me answers, but I kissed him. It wasn’t just a peck. It was a proper kiss. Short, but proper.

Once we pulled away, Jack whispered the most unexpected thing ever and it didn’t seem like it would help me at all. “I love you.”

I stared back at him, unable to say it back. It would be wrong and a lie to do so.

“I think we should talk…” I replied instead as if his words had rebooted me.

He nodded in agreement, looking a bit shocked that he had said it as well. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll watch the game first, but afterwards.”

“We’ll leave a bit early since you don’t have security with you and I’d like to get you out of here in one piece,” he planned.

So, that’s exactly what we did. We left before the masses, making it easy for us to sneak back to the car without being swarmed. Another plus side was that we weren’t stuck in traffic now to get back after Jack had searched my address on google maps again and started the navigation route.

I was unsure if Jack wanted to start our talk now or if he wanted to wait until we got back to my place. I, personally, didn’t want to wait much longer. But I would totally understand not having this conversation in a car where neither of us could go anywhere. It would force us to talk to each other, though. Luckily, Jack made the first move.

“I’m sorry about what I said back there,” he said after a few minutes of initial silence between us.

“No, it’s okay–” I started to tell him.

“No, it’s not. I just randomly showed up at your house to hope to win you back, I can’t just drop a bombshell on you like that. It was more of a heat of the moment thing. Completely inappropriate.”

It was weird speaking to him while not having either of us facing each other. Although, it didn’t make it a lot easier. It felt like there was less confrontation.

“I guess so…” I eventually agreed and took this chance to try to turn my feelings into comprehensible words. “But everything about today has been weird. I mean, you blew up on me, accusing me of things I would never do. And now you were suddenly at my front door like you were expecting me to think everything was okay.”

“I realise I was a complete asshole. And nothing excuses it. I totally understand if you want nothing to do with me.”

“How could I be with somebody who’s always afraid I’ll be out getting it on with my friends or coworkers, someone who’s always jealous?” I thought out loud.

“I get that. I’m still not trying to make excuses, but I’ve barely had any serious relationships. The ones I did have always ended badly. Maybe I was just trying to protect myself from that happening again.”

“But isn’t the most important thing trust? That would mean you’d continue to be jealous whenever I come into contact with another man. I just don’t think it’s worth losing my friends and jeopardising my career for a relationship.”

“You know, I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for you, so I started getting all these irrational fears. When we started dating it was like a dream come true. I mean, you were my celebrity crush after all. But after a while, I think the ‘celebrity’ part of that started to mess with me and scare me. Like, people have expectations of you, you’re always in the public eye, you’re working with all these amazing guys that are way more in your league both looks and fame wise. It really did mess with me and I started rationalising it. But then, after our fight, I had this wake up call. I realised that everything I was thinking was complete and utter shit. I’m not saying that I’m the best guy out there, because I’m obviously not. I’m saying that I remembered that you’re also just a normal human being, and I was lucky to get to see that side of you. You’re not stuck in this world that everybody else sees, the one that started making me feel incompetent. I ruined my chance with this girl I really liked no matter how well known she is. I hurt you. Like, seriously hurt you. And I can’t believe I actually did that. All I can say is how sorry I am.”

I turned to look at him and smiled softly. He said a lot more than just ‘sorry’ this time. This apology was just a bit better than the one he initially turned up with. Why? Because he wasn’t just asking for forgiveness and saying he was being a dick. He actually voiced his opinions and took the time to find the root of the problem. It wasn’t superficial. This wasn’t him being a jealous character, it was him losing sense of reality and he was obviously already trying to change that by telling me all this.

“I acted like I was okay, but the shit you said really did shake me up.” I still had a few more fears. “How do I know you won’t go all jealous again? I can’t just change who I am to the outside world.”

“I’m just going to have to trust you.” He shrugged. “And I’m sure I can do that now.”

“Okay… but if you ever feel jealous again, I want you to talk to me about it like now and not just bottle it all up because I’m not going to be able to forgive this again. Do it once, you can change, do it twice, it’s going to be a trend.”

Jack glanced at me quickly, his eyes wide open. “Wait, so are you saying–”

“Yes, I’m willing to give us another chance.”

He took hold of my hand and brought it to his lips before kissing it. I couldn’t stop grinning at how he was beaming the rest of the way back to my house.

Notes

This site is fuck up and I can't tell if my stories are updating or not and if anybody is getting these chapters :(