This Year I've Had Enough
You're Already The Voice Inside My Head
Every day,
every god damn day.
That voice in my head is telling me,
"You're worthless, you can't do anything, you will never amount to anything nor will anyone love you."
These are the things that plague my mind,
my dreams,
my life.
"Alex?"
Fuck what had jack asked him? I've been getting more and more distracted by my thoughts everyday lately.
"I-i....y-y...h-hmm?" of course all i can do around Jack is get tongue tied and and barely mumble a coherent word
Jack gives him that look like he's crazy yet so intrigued by his tongue tied mannor whenever he gets like this,
"Are you okay?"
No, i'm far from okay.
"Yes." why does he always ask him if he's okay. It's not like he can fix the thoughts so why ask.
"Oh, well are you coming over today or..." Jack lets his question hang in the air like the smell after something dies,... god my mind is morbid.
"Uhhmm, yeah i'm sure that's fine, i don't think i have anything to do." Of course i don't have anything to do. Nobody, but Jack for some reason, wants to hang out with kid who talks to himself and has voices in his head.
"Don't act like you have a life besides me." Jack winks and chuckles at me playfully to make it seem like it's not true, like i do have something besides him.
They had let the silence of the class fall onto their conversation leaving them with their thoughts momentarily.
Maybe i should tell him?
-Are you asking me, or are you gonna be a little idiot and ignore me, and end up do stupid things like usual?-
No i think i'm gonna do it.
-Stop fucking talking about it like a pussy and just do it before i stab someone.-
"Uhm, hey Jack? Can, can i tell you something?"
"Yeah, what is it?" There was that feeling again, it felt, well, in the cliché way of putting it, butterflies in his stomach. And frankly it scared him.
"Uhm wel-"
"Boys? Would you like to share what you're talking about with the class?"
Why does this bitch always interrupt my talks with Jack, it's so rude.
"No." I hate it when teachers interrupt me when i'm trying to talk to jack. Especially when i'm trying to tell him something this important. How much he cares about him.
-Damn i'm surprised you managed to mumble that out before i told her how much i want to hurt her.-
WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GO AWAY?
-Fuck off you know without me you'd still be alone.-
I'm still practically alone with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Will you look at me Alex?"
-No,-
Shut up.
I peek through my mess of hair to see Jack sitting across from me on the couch in my living room, waiting for an answer. I pull my legs close to my chest, and scoot farther back into the arm rest because every time Jacks leg brushes against mine it's like a wave of electricity. And when i scoot back Jack does the same. I wish he wouldn't
He's always so perfect in that awkward way.
I want to swim in the colour in his eyes. Wrap my hands around his skinny waist. I want to intertwine my fingers in his, feel his hot breath on my neck. Feel his soft lips on min-
-Oh my god will you shut up you make me want to vomit.-
"Hello, Earth to alex."
Shit i was too busy arguing with myself to see him move even closer to me.
"Huh? Oh, um yeah?"
Fuck what did he say?
"Do you, want to, what you, were gonna, tell me, today?"
"You don't have to talk to me when i'm stupid." I chuckle to show him that i'm trying not to be serious.
"I know but that's like the 5th time i've repeated myself." his giggle is like the cutest thing that i can hear. Even though it's a nervous one.
-I can just hear the gay just radiating off of you right now. -
Why are you so homophobic?
"Alex. Are you even listening to me anymore?"
Shit i feel like the worst friend ever i can't even pay attention to the one friend i have because i'm so preoccupied with my mind.
"I'm sorry, i'm trying. Really i am." I manage choking out that sentance somehow. Everything is harder and harder to say everyday recently. Everything is impossible to do.
"I feel like you're getting lost in your mind recently and it seems to be getting worse. Can we talk about it?"
"When did you decide to become a therapist Barakat?" Even with a sarcastic grin on my face, the mood doesn't lighten one bit.
"When you decided to be my friend." Again, that laugh. It's painful not to be able to reach out and press his body against mine, feel that crash of his pink soft lips against mine, i just crave him. And, well, it's painful.
Niah jumps on Jacks lap, god i fucking hate that cat. Well it's more that i hate how i can't stroke her gray fur or hold her so i can look into her neon yellow eyes, cause she makes me sick like crazy. She just reminds me of how i can't touch Jack without there being consequences. But i'll stick with my dogs for now, thank you very much.
-Will you shut the fuck up you're giving me a head ache.-
No one said you had to be here.
"Alex," he insists that tapping my head will help the voices go away i'm assuming, "what is he saying?"
-Die cunt, die. Suck my dick. You know your basic degrading comments when you want someone to go away cause they're pissing you off.-
"Uhmm, you don't wanna know.."
I'm not telling him those things that's fucking rude.
-That's the point dumbass.-
"Alex, you can trust me, just tell me what he tells you." he doesn't want to know what he says.
-Will you just fucking kill him already? I don't see why you need him around, you have me to make your life miserable.-
"He wants me to kill you, cause you make him mad." The look on Jacks face makes me want to vomit. It's pure mortification and a mix of sympathy.
"How do i make him miserable?"
-You're breathing that's how. And all Alex does is bitch about how much he wants you it makes me sick.-
"He says that you're breathing makes him miserable, and..." how do you just tell someone that the voice in your head is sick of you complaining about how much you like them?
"And?" fuck what do i say?
-Just fucking tell him so that way he'll leave!!-
"I, uhm-"
"Jack hunny are you going to be staying for dinner?!" Uhgg the loud yelling of my mother from upstairs makes my head feel like it's been hit by a sack of bricks. And the fact that this is the second time today i've been interrupted makes me want to go on a killing spree.
"Uhmmmm, yeah, i'll stay if that's okay with Alex!" The pounding is getting worse with each yell up and down the stairs.
"Alex hunny is tha-" I'm too far over my breaking point to stop the pounding feels like someone has taken a jackhammer to my skull. The voice was taking control.
-You're fucking right i am.-
"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT MOM IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH US COME DOWN HERE AND STOP YELLING IT'S MAKING MY HEAD SPLIT IN TWO WITH EVERYONE OF YOUR FUCKING YELLS!" Alex had his eyes squinted shut so tight he barley noticed his mom come downstairs, or the look of terror on Jack's face when he was done screaming.
The way his mom was standing with one hand on her hip and the other at her side balling into a fist made it clear.
Jack wasn't staying for dinner tonight, no matter how bad he wanted to stay and comfort me.
-At least he's fucking leaving now.-
every god damn day.
That voice in my head is telling me,
"You're worthless, you can't do anything, you will never amount to anything nor will anyone love you."
These are the things that plague my mind,
my dreams,
my life.
"Alex?"
Fuck what had jack asked him? I've been getting more and more distracted by my thoughts everyday lately.
"I-i....y-y...h-hmm?" of course all i can do around Jack is get tongue tied and and barely mumble a coherent word
Jack gives him that look like he's crazy yet so intrigued by his tongue tied mannor whenever he gets like this,
"Are you okay?"
No, i'm far from okay.
"Yes." why does he always ask him if he's okay. It's not like he can fix the thoughts so why ask.
"Oh, well are you coming over today or..." Jack lets his question hang in the air like the smell after something dies,... god my mind is morbid.
"Uhhmm, yeah i'm sure that's fine, i don't think i have anything to do." Of course i don't have anything to do. Nobody, but Jack for some reason, wants to hang out with kid who talks to himself and has voices in his head.
"Don't act like you have a life besides me." Jack winks and chuckles at me playfully to make it seem like it's not true, like i do have something besides him.
They had let the silence of the class fall onto their conversation leaving them with their thoughts momentarily.
Maybe i should tell him?
-Are you asking me, or are you gonna be a little idiot and ignore me, and end up do stupid things like usual?-
No i think i'm gonna do it.
-Stop fucking talking about it like a pussy and just do it before i stab someone.-
"Uhm, hey Jack? Can, can i tell you something?"
"Yeah, what is it?" There was that feeling again, it felt, well, in the cliché way of putting it, butterflies in his stomach. And frankly it scared him.
"Uhm wel-"
"Boys? Would you like to share what you're talking about with the class?"
Why does this bitch always interrupt my talks with Jack, it's so rude.
"No." I hate it when teachers interrupt me when i'm trying to talk to jack. Especially when i'm trying to tell him something this important. How much he cares about him.
-Damn i'm surprised you managed to mumble that out before i told her how much i want to hurt her.-
WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GO AWAY?
-Fuck off you know without me you'd still be alone.-
I'm still practically alone with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Will you look at me Alex?"
-No,-
Shut up.
I peek through my mess of hair to see Jack sitting across from me on the couch in my living room, waiting for an answer. I pull my legs close to my chest, and scoot farther back into the arm rest because every time Jacks leg brushes against mine it's like a wave of electricity. And when i scoot back Jack does the same. I wish he wouldn't
He's always so perfect in that awkward way.
I want to swim in the colour in his eyes. Wrap my hands around his skinny waist. I want to intertwine my fingers in his, feel his hot breath on my neck. Feel his soft lips on min-
-Oh my god will you shut up you make me want to vomit.-
"Hello, Earth to alex."
Shit i was too busy arguing with myself to see him move even closer to me.
"Huh? Oh, um yeah?"
Fuck what did he say?
"Do you, want to, what you, were gonna, tell me, today?"
"You don't have to talk to me when i'm stupid." I chuckle to show him that i'm trying not to be serious.
"I know but that's like the 5th time i've repeated myself." his giggle is like the cutest thing that i can hear. Even though it's a nervous one.
-I can just hear the gay just radiating off of you right now. -
Why are you so homophobic?
"Alex. Are you even listening to me anymore?"
Shit i feel like the worst friend ever i can't even pay attention to the one friend i have because i'm so preoccupied with my mind.
"I'm sorry, i'm trying. Really i am." I manage choking out that sentance somehow. Everything is harder and harder to say everyday recently. Everything is impossible to do.
"I feel like you're getting lost in your mind recently and it seems to be getting worse. Can we talk about it?"
"When did you decide to become a therapist Barakat?" Even with a sarcastic grin on my face, the mood doesn't lighten one bit.
"When you decided to be my friend." Again, that laugh. It's painful not to be able to reach out and press his body against mine, feel that crash of his pink soft lips against mine, i just crave him. And, well, it's painful.
Niah jumps on Jacks lap, god i fucking hate that cat. Well it's more that i hate how i can't stroke her gray fur or hold her so i can look into her neon yellow eyes, cause she makes me sick like crazy. She just reminds me of how i can't touch Jack without there being consequences. But i'll stick with my dogs for now, thank you very much.
-Will you shut the fuck up you're giving me a head ache.-
No one said you had to be here.
"Alex," he insists that tapping my head will help the voices go away i'm assuming, "what is he saying?"
-Die cunt, die. Suck my dick. You know your basic degrading comments when you want someone to go away cause they're pissing you off.-
"Uhmm, you don't wanna know.."
I'm not telling him those things that's fucking rude.
-That's the point dumbass.-
"Alex, you can trust me, just tell me what he tells you." he doesn't want to know what he says.
-Will you just fucking kill him already? I don't see why you need him around, you have me to make your life miserable.-
"He wants me to kill you, cause you make him mad." The look on Jacks face makes me want to vomit. It's pure mortification and a mix of sympathy.
"How do i make him miserable?"
-You're breathing that's how. And all Alex does is bitch about how much he wants you it makes me sick.-
"He says that you're breathing makes him miserable, and..." how do you just tell someone that the voice in your head is sick of you complaining about how much you like them?
"And?" fuck what do i say?
-Just fucking tell him so that way he'll leave!!-
"I, uhm-"
"Jack hunny are you going to be staying for dinner?!" Uhgg the loud yelling of my mother from upstairs makes my head feel like it's been hit by a sack of bricks. And the fact that this is the second time today i've been interrupted makes me want to go on a killing spree.
"Uhmmmm, yeah, i'll stay if that's okay with Alex!" The pounding is getting worse with each yell up and down the stairs.
"Alex hunny is tha-" I'm too far over my breaking point to stop the pounding feels like someone has taken a jackhammer to my skull. The voice was taking control.
-You're fucking right i am.-
"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT MOM IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH US COME DOWN HERE AND STOP YELLING IT'S MAKING MY HEAD SPLIT IN TWO WITH EVERYONE OF YOUR FUCKING YELLS!" Alex had his eyes squinted shut so tight he barley noticed his mom come downstairs, or the look of terror on Jack's face when he was done screaming.
The way his mom was standing with one hand on her hip and the other at her side balling into a fist made it clear.
Jack wasn't staying for dinner tonight, no matter how bad he wanted to stay and comfort me.
-At least he's fucking leaving now.-
7/9/13