For years I thought there was something wrong with me. Had I voiced this to anyone though? Absolutely not. Why did I think there was something wrong with me? Well, that's simple, from the time I started to think girls were pretty and desirable to say the least I thought the same about boys. I mean, I had always heard people saying things like it was a choice so I was going to ignore it the best I could because I needed to be right. This meant that I would blatantly lie when ever anybody tried to make a stab at my sexuality. I was straight, it didn't matter that I had an attraction to guys because if I didn't choose to act on it. That meant everything was okay because in the end I was right.

It didn't matter how many guys I'd see as attractive though because I never once acted on it. There was also one guy that I just couldn't see as attractive in the end. Okay, I might be stretching it when I'm saying I don't find him attractive but he just isn't drawing me in and in the end I'm not sure how I really felt about this. I mean, this guy had all of the girls swooning and I don't blame them. His curly long brown hair and his rather muscular physique coupled with his shy attitude made him nearly irresistible. I mean, he was a magnificent human being that in theory should've had me swooning because let's face it, he wasn't human but a god.

I was sitting in bed playing guitar one afternoon when I heard my phone vibrate from across the room seeing as I like to keep it away from me to minimize distractions whilst practicing. I sighed, finishing up the guitar riff I had been working on for some lyrics another friend of mine had written. We were trying to be in a band and let's face it, at the moment it was really far fetched but that's aside from the point, luckily neither of us played bass so I got to get my best friend Zack to play with us and the more I questioned myself I wondered why I wasn't attracted to him.

"Hey Zee," I said into the phone once I answered it.

"Oh, cool, so I'm not going to voicemail for the second time," he joked.

"I was working on riffs but whatever Zee."

"Oh, so I should let you get back to it because if you don't practice every hour of every day then you won't be able to play any of it instead of the portion you'll be able to get."

I laughed audibly at the running joke we had going on in the band that I couldn't play my instrument. Just like most normal people there were only a few people who I'd let say things like that to me with no consequence, then again Zack could say anything to me without me laughing and shrugging it off because I really didn't take anything he said seriously because why would I?

"Why'd you call," I asked.

"Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to come over, my parents said I could invite you over while they're gone and you know how much I hate being alone," he responded softly.

"You wanna pick me up? You know I ain't got a car this week."

"Be there in ten."

That's how simple our friendship was and I knew that I needed to be listening for the car horn outside but I decided to go downstairs and bother my mom for a little bit before I left. I went into the kitchen and took the carton of milk out, drinking directly from the carton just to irritate my mom in a way only I could.

"Jack, you know other people need to drink out of that right," she asked.

"Mom, you know you are the only person in this family that doesn't drink it right out of the carton right," I asked in response.

"Whatever, just make sure you close it this time when you put it back. Why are you down here anyway, you seemed really focused for the four hours you were upstairs playing guitar."

"Zack's picking me up so we can hang out while his parents are gone."

"If I didn't know you were straight I'd swear you and him were together, you seem like you're attached at the hip."

But, I wasn't straight, at least I didn't think I was. I mean, straight people don't feel the same way about their gender as I do. I mean, I would date a man just as quick as I'd date a girl and that's not how straight people think, is it? I mean, if I found a guy that was willing to date me and I was attracted to I would date him and that's not how straight people think is it? I guess I spent so long trying to tell myself that I was straight despite knowing I wasn't that I was still trying to convince myself that it was normal. If only I could voice what I was truly feeling.

"When are you going to date again. You haven't dated since freshman year and that was barely a relationship, did you guys even go on a date," my mom asked.

"I have more important things on my mind then a relationship Mom. Stop acting like that's the be all end all for me. I'm fine if I never get married," I grumbled in response.

"Well, you're going to meet that right girl at some point and you're going to get married, I can guarantee you that."

"Whatever Mom," I said as I heard the horn honk outside.

I was eighteen I wasn't focusing on getting married or finding "the one" because, let's face it, there's more important stuff in life then wasting your time dating someone who will more then likely be temporary. Also, why don't I figure out who I am before I lie to more people because it didn't really matter how good I was at lying. I climbed into Zack's car and probably slammed the door harder then necessary just because I was sick of my mom acting like dating was literally the only important thing I could do.

"You good Jay," he asked.

"Yeah, Mom's just getting on my ass again about me not dating anyone and it's getting really frustrating cause yeah, we're working on an album but I'm still single so it doesn't really matter," I sighed, frustrated.

"Sorry dude. Mom does need to get off your ass though, I mean, you're focusing on your career instead."

"I really don't want to talk about this Zee, please."

"Alright, sorry. How are you?"

"I'm alright I guess, I think I finally got the riff down for that song we've been working on, I know I'm late but hey, better late then never."

"True, I'm glad, I didn't want to write something too difficult."

Silence fell over us once again. Zee was my friend, I could tell him anything right? Friends are accepting and they aren't going to leave you over the smallest of things, right? They'll believe you and not shrug it off, right? I can tell him the truth about me and he will still love me, right?

"You good Jay," he asked.

"I'm bi," I whispered.

"What, I can't hear you," he said as he turned the radio off.

"I'm bi."

"Cool, and I'm straight."

"That's not gonna make anything weird between us?"

"No Jay, why would it? You can't change who you are for anyone so why am I going to not accept you for the person you are?"

"Because there's something wrong with me?"

"Except there's not. You were born that way for a reason and you deserve to respect yourself."

"Thanks Zee, I needed to hear that."

"Anytime pal."

I smiled at my hands that were fiddling with one of the band bracelets I wore on my wrist. This was just my nervous tick because I just assumed that things were going to go worse then they did. Maybe Zack was right, there was nothing wrong with me. I guess I just needed my friend from preschool to tell me the truth because I couldn't believe myself.

"Hey, you know how they say that soulmates are like two halves of the same person," Zee asked.

"Yeah, what are you implying Zee? I don't like you like that," I said.

"That's not what I'm implying, I'm straight remember? Just as friends. Do you ever think that friends could be two halves of the same person?"

"I mean it makes sense, especially in our case because, I mean just look at how we interact."

"I guess you're right."

I smiled over at my best friend and realized what he said was true. We were soulmates, not in a romantic sense but I couldn't imagine my life without him and there wasn't a thing I wouldn't do for him. We may not be soulmates in the typical sense but we were definitely made for each other and I would argue with anyone who claimed differently.

Notes

Okay, let me preface this by saying the entire beginning was my thought process for years. I am bi and I do not believe that sexuality or any of that is a choice, this was merely what I believed when I tried to convince myself I wasn't bi.

I know I said I'd update once a week but I was talking to my best friend today and she really gave me the inspiration for this because we got on the topic of sexuality and I told her about my self doubt and hatred for not being able to "fix" myself despite the fact that now I know I'm not broken. I hope you enjoy this decently long one shot and this will stay a one shot because I do not see the need to add anything to it.

Leave a comment and rate if you enjoyed :)

- Jess