I stumbled over to the sink, tears stinging as they bursted from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks with a great discomfort from the sudden, inescapable warmth that came over my entire body. I caught my self on the counter before my knees gave out but I only possessed enough strength to lower myself down on the floor before I lost all vision and the world turned black.

-

"Hey... You okay? Who the hell are you?" This wasn't the first time this had happened. "Guys, check it out, there's a chick passed out in here!" But this time is wasn't because I had gotten shitfaced minutes before or because of an adrenaline rush from loud music filling the musty air of a smoke filled, dimly lit, sold out venue; filled with women who wanted to throw themselves at the nearest rockstar. So many girls wanted a chance at falling in love with the musicians who wrote the music which proved that love comes in many forms. It wasn't about that for me though. Love can be a melody that brings you comfort, lyrics that dispels all negativity after a terrible day, love can be a voice that holds you while you cry; that captures your tears in its tone, and coaxes you out of your own misery to smile and sing out once more, when you believed that all was lost. Love is a rhythm that keeps you alive when things are at their darkest, when the beat of your own heart is not enough.

-

I woke up, my legs drawn tightly to my chest, and arms around the cold porcelain toilet. Dried tears were still harboring heat underneath the skin on my face and neck, streaks of trapped salt water in my pores, stained with anxieties I hadn't yet accepted as truth. "How am I going to tell him?" So many thoughts and possibilities dancing chaotically across my cloudy mind. I slowly pushed myself up from the ground, my skin peeling away from the muggy puddle of tears and dirty caulking around the toilet "What if he doesn't believe me? What if he doesn't care?" As soon as I was standing, I was doubled over, and I physically felt my fears swell up inside me. The wrenching of my gut filled my throat with intense pressure and spewed out over into the toilet bowl. It took several minutes to catch my breath again 'I'm such a fuck up,' I kept telling myself. 'I can't even keep my only breakfast down...' As I straightened back up and gathered my thoughts, I brought myself to look in the mirror to clean up my mouth with a washcloth. I peered down at the two pink lines on the pregnancy test. I couldn't believe 5 weeks ago I was a virgin. I wanted to laugh aloud at the ridiculousness of my situation but I wasn't sure of anything anymore. 'Ha... Virgin Mary, they would call me... Not anymore."

---

"WHATS YOUR NAME, SWEETHEART?"
His voice boomed through the mic and spilled into the night over the concert cabs. The great calamity that gathered from the shouts of the crowd made my ears ring.
"Mary" I answered quickly and quietly. Alex brought his face down to my level damn being short--and asked gently without the microphone near his smiling mouth
"Did you say Mary?" He had a chipper lift in his voice when he spoke my name and my heart fluttered with both joy and nervousness at the same moment. I nodded my head and dropped the bright gaze he was trying to hold me with. Alex adjusted back to his full height and without notice took his hand from my shoulder and pulled me into his side by my hip. I'm pretty clumsy so I almost tripped and though my face blushed harder that it ever had before, I don't think anyone noticed. "ALRIGHT, MARY, THIS SONG IS FOR YOU." As his lips parted and the song began all I could hear was the crowd and the higher pitch of the sounding instruments. It was so overwhelming and I have the worst stage fright. I felt absolutely frozen. Alex took my hand and looked me over once more, this time he could see me entirely. I wasn't half way in the crowd coming up on the stage, I was standing point blank in front of my favorite band holding hands with the lead singer. I felt myself beginning to tremble, Alex felt it too and sweetly comforted me by mouthing "just look at me." And for the rest of the song I looked into his promising eyes but my mind could hear nothing. Nothing but his voice. Was Alex gaskarth really good at his job or was he actually flirting with me? I didn't care that much, I didn't expect anything out of it. He is a rockstar after all, they make their fame and fortune off teenaged girls, raging hormones and their need for sexual and aesthetic validation. I almost didn't want him to like me in that way. My insecurities couldn't handle this kind of attention. But at last the song was over and he let go of my hand, smiled at me and pointed at a staff member to lead me back to my place in the crowd. Or so I had hopped, but things never really work out in the favor of my comfort zone. When I was escorted off stage the security guy led me through a narrow, downward sloping corridor filled with wires, cords and sound equipment. 'God, please don't let me trip.' I prayed.
"Wait here." He said promptly, ushering me into a small dressing room, "the band wants to sign your merch, personally after the show. Make yourself at home, there's a mini fridge behind the couch over there on the back wall." I turned back over my shoulder long enough to see him smirk and shut the door behind him. I felt my eyes widen and I became very hot all over, I could feel myself blushing again, only this time I was all alone. If there is anything that kills me, and I mean KILLS me, it is not knowing what the hell is going on.
"Okay.."
I had to reason with myself but because I was too flustered to think logically; so in my head I could only hope that there was some alcohol in that mini fridge to take the edge off before the show was over--which was the most illogical action I could have taken to begin with. I made hastily over to the back wall and spotted the refrigerator. I found little bottles of tequila and vodka in the wire shelves on inside the door and knocked them back as fast as could when I realized the noises of the crowd were at a hush during the last song of the show. I focused on the lyrics and as the buzz washed over me I drowned in Alex's voice.
"My ship went down.. in a sea of sound when I woke up alone I had everything.."
Before I knew it, my knees were locked, I found my vision tunneling out and I was sinking to the concrete floor behind the couch. Damn anxiety, not even alcohol can save you from it. That darkness never fails to swallow me whole when I should be at my happiest.
"Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty. But I'm smiling at everything."
I hoped no one would find me back there, I wanted to be invisible.
"You can take back your misery"

Notes

hi!! This is my first all time low fanfic that I have ever written/ posted! I have kinda been in the fanfic closet for a while nowadays I am very shy about my writing skills! Anyway, I know this first chapter isn't very long but I wanted to test out to see if anyone likes it first! If not idk if I'll keep posting on this story! I have notebooks full of stories for this website if my story is received well enough. This takes a lot of bravery to post, I commend you lovely people that do it all the time for others to read! Tell me how you like it? let me know!!

-marielle