Smooth Criminal

A few things had recently happened that had caught my attention.
I was extremely moody, I didn’t have the energy to stay awake longer than thirty minutes, my nose had developed super-human powers and I could identify any smell within a ten mile radius (despite the fact that I was extremely congested 24/7), my mouth was covered in disgusting pimples, and my boobs had grown a solid two cups in the last month. Oh, and let’s not forget about the fact that I literally could not stomach any food to save my sixteen year old life. The only thing that didn’t quite add up to my sneaking suspicion was that I had lost so much weight in such a short time span.
So here I was, two o’clock in the morning, chugging the massive container of orange juice I had just purchased at the corner store I had snuck out of the window in my room to go to. The wait for the need to pee wasn’t a long one, so I yanked the small test strip out of Alex’s hoodie pocket and quickly uncapped it with shaking hands.
“Here goes nothing,” I whispered to myself before taking the pregnancy test. I put the cap back on after five seconds of it being downstream and then sat with my back pressed to the bathtub. I struggled to stay focused as I attempted to count down from three minutes, every imaginable thought threatening to break my concentration. I finally gave up, opting that it had probably been a lot longer than three minutes at this point, and stood on my shaking legs. With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and stepped toward the counter the test was waiting for me on. I willed myself to open my eyes, but I couldn’t do it. I was too scared. Part of me already knew what was waiting for me once I opened my eyes, but that didn’t mean that I was ready to face it.
A knock on the door made my eyes fly open, the harsh light of the bathroom blinding me. I looked down without a thought to readjust my eyes, and that’s when I saw the sickening two lines glaring at me.
I wanted to vomit. But instead, I shoved the stick back in the hoodie pocket and disposed of the orange juice bottle in the waste bin. There was a second knock on the door.
“Al-almost done,” I stammered, looking at my reflection with terrified, sunken in eyes. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
Well for starters, I needed to get out of the bathroom, because Parker was half asleep and if I didn’t get out soon, he’d for sure make a mess in the hallway. And I wasn’t about to clean that up. I don’t care how grounded I was.
So I wiped the nonexistent tears that never fell from my eyes and swung the door open. Parker was waiting patiently for me on the other side and smiled sleepily at me as I passed him in a hurry to get to the comforting darkness of my bedroom.
I stared at the ceiling fan chasing itself in circles as my thoughts did just about the same.
Pregnant? How the hell am I pregnant? We literally always used protection. And besides. It’s been almost a month since we had done anything…
Nothing about this added up, no matter how many times I went back in time and relived every moment between Alex and me.
How the fuck am I supposed to tell Alex? How the fuck am I supposed to tell my dad? Good god, I’m going to be slaughtered. He is actually going to kill me.
The tears still never came, no matter how hard I shook. No matter how loud I screamed into my pillow. It was like some part of me was still in shock while the rest of my body was having an anxiety attack. The thought of what was to come absolutely terrified me and I had no earthly idea about what I was supposed to do next. All I knew was that I needed to get my weight back up and that I needed to start treating my body better. But if I was pregnant, how could I have possibly managed to lose all that weight?
I made a mental note to talk to a doctor, a nurse, or really anyone who knew what the hell could be going on with me and get some answers. But until then, there wasn’t really anything I could do except sleep. And as pumped with adrenaline as I was, that didn’t seem to be coming any time soon.

The sun sure did take it’s time coming out of hiding the next morning. Not that it even mattered to me in the first place. Sleep or no sleep, I was still miserable. Pregnant and miserable. I contemplated faking sick so I could stay home from school, but what good would that do me? I’d just stay locked up in my room, alone with my thoughts. I’d go completely mental. So much to my body’s disliking, I pulled myself out of bed and got ready for the day. I even made sure I grabbed a muffin out of the pantry to eat for breakfast. Shocking, I know.
The whole short car ride to school that morning, I couldn’t get the picture of the two lines out of my head. Alex was going to lose his fucking mind. He has so much going on right now. He doesn’t need this right now… I came to the conclusion that I’d tell Amanda before I told anyone else. She’d know what to do. She always knows what to do in a time of serious crisis such as this. Well, okay, probably not like this considering we were only sixteen and the whole “teen pregnancy” wasn’t exactly a huge thing in our town. But she’d still know how to handle the situation a lot better than I could.
“Have a good day?” Parker called to me as I flew out of the car before my brother could even put the vehicle in park. I waved hastily to him as I made a beeline for the tree where I knew Amanda was already three cigarettes into her morning.
“Help me,” I breathed, doubled over so I could catch my breath. “I’m so fucked. Please, please, please help me.”
This was the moment that my body had decided it was time for me to release the waterworks it had built up for the last several hours. Amanda immediately rushed to my side and wrapped her arms lovingly around me, running her fingers through my hair and rubbing my back. My body shook as the tears fell freely. The bell rang for first period but neither of us moved from our spot under the tree.
It took me a while, but eventually the sobbing was placed under control, leaving only a few stray tears every now and again as Amanda waited patiently for my next move. We sat in silence as I tried to think of how I was supposed to tell someone this massive secret I had recently discovered.
“I-“ my voice trembled, hoarse and thick, covered in snot. Amanda led the two of us to the picnic table and sat us down, her hand never once letting go of my own.
“It’s gonna be okay,” she whispered, tucking a loose piece of hair behind my ear. “Whatever this is, we’ll get through it together.”
I stared up at my best friend with pathetically large eyes, biting down on my lower lip. She shouldn’t have to make that promise. She shouldn’t have to bare this burden with me. A baby was a huge responsibility. She had no fucking clue… I had no fucking clue how to even raise one. What the fuck was I thinking?
“You shouldn’t make that kind of promise,” I whispered lamely.
Amanda lofted an eyebrow at me, concern washing over her entire demeanor.
“Stells, what is going on? You’re really starting to scare me…”
“I’m pregnant.”
Silence.
Absolute dead silence.
The trees rustled in the background as the wind restlessly danced around us. The sun shining down on the pair of us didn’t make the scene any less somber than it felt. A car passing the school had its radio up too loud, the upbeat pop song serenading the moment in such an ill fashion.
“I’m sorry,” Amanda started. “What did you just say?”
My tear-stained eyes stared deeply into her own frantically confused gaze, begging her to not let me repeat myself. No such luck; she wanted a verbal confirmation that she had heard me correctly.
“I’m having a baby,” I whispered, refusing to break eye contact.
Amanda’s hand immediately withdrew itself from my own, placing her head in both of her hands. I could see her begin to shake, her fingers twitching spastically. I reached for the cigarettes on the table and lit her one, handing it to her with delicate care. She nodded in appreciation before taking a few long drags, trying to process the information.
“How far along are you?” She finally spoke. Her voice was surprisingly calm and collected, unlike the rest of her outward appearance that was still trembling in shock.
“I have no idea. I took a test this morning. I haven’t seen a doctor or anything, but it’s not like that’s even an option.” I let out a sarcastic scoff. “I don’t even think we’ve ever had unprotected sex, Amanda. I have no idea how this even happened.”
Amanda quickly finished off her cigarette, flicking the butt into the pile she had been building throughout the school year. We stared at the pile of butts, neither of us speaking. I don’t even think we knew what to say.
“I’m assuming he doesn’t know either,” Amanda stated. I shook my head as I sniffled. “You need to tell him, Stells. He needs to know. Maybe he can help figure out where things went wrong?”
I shook my head vigorously, my eyes wide and panicked.
“No. No, no, no. I don’t want to tell him yet. Not today at least. He has so much going on right now with graduation and the label and the tour. Amanda, you have to swear to me you won’t tell him, that you won’t tell Jack, or even Rian and Zack. Especially not Zack. Holy shit, he’s going to murder me. Zack is absolutely going to kill me. I’m so fucking stupid, oh my god,” I rambled, unable to catch my breath.
Amanda grabbed me by the shoulders and gently shook me, snapping me out of the panicked tizzy I had built myself into.
“Stella,” she spoke gently, yet stern. “Breathe. I will not tell a single soul until you are ready and give me the thumbs up to even think about the word ‘baby.’ I am here to help you. I’m on your side. We’re in this together, okay?” Amanda wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. “We are going to get through this. Together. We’re a fucking team, you and me.”
I nodded my head, letting the silence speak the words I couldn’t form as I wrapped my arms around my best friend. A new round of tears made their way to the surface and the two of us sat on the picnic bench under the tree and cried together. Not once did we break apart. Not a single word was spoken as the emotions bounced from her to me and me to her. And for the first time in a long, long time, I didn’t feel alone.

Notes