Alex’s POV

Yes, it really fucking sucked that I didn’t fucking go to that stupidass party where Ash met that stupid fucking guy. Because now she was fucking falling in love with some fucking guy that wasn’t me while I was left to fucking deal with heartbreak. Just great; really fucking great! I finally get the courage to ask her out, and she just goes off with another guy. Couldn’t she just see that I was head over heels for her? Wasn’t it obvious? Well I guess it really fucking wasn’t, no, was it?

Oh, who was I kidding! This was all my own fucking fault! If I had just built up the courage much sooner, I would not have been in this situation. I should have just listened to Rian, Jack, and Harper much sooner. They were telling me to just go for it, but I just wanted to wait it out all the time. But then again, Ash was never interested in any guy, until Luke came along, so she probably didn’t feel shit for me despite all the looks we gave each other. It was all my own fault, and I couldn’t change it anymore.

I was all alone. Not just in the sense that I had no chance with Ash, but also in the sense that nobody was fucking at home! Sure, just leave the guy who obviously has been feeling like shit at home all alone. My parents were out having dinner with friends, Ash was on her third date with Luke, and I was just all alone in the big fucking empty shitty house. Normally I would be cool with that. You know, play music loudly, play my guitar loudly… watch porn and masturbate loudly… But I didn’t feel like doing any of that today. Maybe I just had to call Jack and ask him to come over. Yes, I had been distant and maybe even a bit annoying lately, but I knew he would still come over if I asked. I could even ask another friend to come, if I wanted.

So, I got out my phone and called the only number I could think of at the moment.

Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang. I rushed downstairs to open the door, happy that there was finally somebody here to keep me company. Normally I wasn’t the one that always needed people around him. Sure, I liked attention, but it wasn’t like I was an attentionwhore, if I said so myself. I just really needed someone right now. It wasn’t everyday that I felt like this, I had just been alone with my thoughts for way too long.

I opened the door and put on my widest smile, “hey, Harper!”

“Hey, what’s up?” she stepped inside and took her leather jacket off, “why did you need me?”

“I just wanted some company…” I mumbled and closed the front door, “everybody’s out, and I’m here alone.”

“Oh, ok, that’s ok,” she smiled at me and pushed her hair out of her face, “why didn’t you ask Jack, Rian, or Zack, though? I think they’d be much better company.”

“Maybe,” I shrugged and walked into the kitchen, getting us two glasses of water without asking her if she wanted something, “but for some reason I called you, so feel special.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, boy,” she laughed and took one of the glasses out of my hand.

What I liked about Harper was that we had slept together a couple of times, but there was never any awkwardness in between us. We would be all over each other one night, the next morning we would still wake up next to each other, and then after that we were still civil around each other without any feelings getting in the way. You could basically say we were fuckbuddies before Ash turned us into friends. Harper was maybe even the only one that actually knew how I actually felt about Ash. The guys only knew that I had a crush, but Harper just managed to somehow dig deeper and understand without me having to say anything. I had never felt this way about a girl before, and Harper seemed to know this. It was the reason why I asked her to come over. She was the only one that understood.

We sat down in the living room, not bothering going downstairs where we would usually sit since my parents weren’t home anyway and I wasn’t planning on making a mess. It was quiet for a while, slightly awkward, but also not too weird. We both just didn’t really know what to say. I mean, we knew what we were both thinking, but that was all.

“So, umm,” Harper spoke up and put her glass down on the coffee table, “how are you feeling?”

I laughed and did the same with my glass, “honestly? Terrible.”

“It was be horrible seeing the girl you like be happy with someone else,” she gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Yeah, that sucks, but what makes it worse was that I finally got myself to build up the confidence to ask her out. I literally told Jack I was going to do it, and then a couple of hours later, she comes home drunk with a guy and I was trying to convince that it wasn’t what I thought it was, and then they kiss right in front of me. That’s what’s sucks the most.”

“I get it,” Harper gave me a thoughtful look, “and I wish there was something I could say like that there are more girls out there, or stuff like that, but I know that won’t help. You really do like her, and it’s the worst when people just tell you to get over it. So, I’m not going to do that. But I’m happy you called me to talk, we have all been worried.”

She might have been the popular girl in school, but she really wasn’t one of those stereotypical bitches. It wasn’t like she tried to make fun and hurt anybody on purpose just to make their lives miserable. Actually, she did the opposite; it was one of the reasons why she was so popular. Not only was she pretty, but she was actually kind to everybody and tried to help everybody out, me being an example right now. Why couldn’t I just have a crush on Harper? For some people that would be so far fetched, but for me it probably was more realistic. I had slept with her before, we were now friends as well, and it would make sense.

So, I just looked at her while all this was going through my mind. Eventually she realised I was just staring at her blankly, so the turned her head to me and giggled, “what?”

I just leaned forward and cupped her cheek and started kissing her. Did it feel right? No. Was I doing it? Yes. Did I care? Definitely not.

----

The next day at school, Jack and I got out lunch together since we both came from the same class. We were walking up to the table where everybody was already sitting. Rian was sitting next to Ash, while Lianne and Harper were sitting opposite of them. Jack and I joined them, me sitting as furthest away from Harper as possible, next to Rian, while Jack took a seat next to Lianne.

Harper rolled her eyes and scoffed when she saw me. Before anybody could react, she grabbed her tray and stood up, going back to the table she always used to sit at with her jock and cheerleader friends. As soon as she was gone everybody turned to look at me, as she had totally looked me in the eyes when she sighed in disgust.

“What the fuck did you do?” Jack asked bluntly, not even beating around the bush.

I shrugged, acting like it wasn’t a big deal, even though it really was, “I just asked her to come over yesterday and I fucked up.”

“No way,” Rian shook his head disapprovingly while the two girls were just looking at each other, confused out of their minds, “you did not sleep with her… did you?”

Right as Rian said that, Ash nearly spit out her drink. She quickly slapped her hand on her mouth to stop any liquid from spilling out anyway and looked at me with wide eyes. A part of me hoped she did that because she didn’t want me to do that to Harper, but to her. But that was way too far fetched.

Ash confirmed that my hoped were wrong, “why the fuck would you do that! You can’t do that! You know she’s been seeing someone, right? Oh my god!”

“She has?” I mumbled. I honestly did not know that, but now it just made me feel like shit. If I had known, I would never have ever done any of that. Fuck! I was just messing up everything!

“You done fucked up,” Jack muttered and just simply stared at me.

Ok, no, I had had enough. I was done with people having comments about me. Sure, there had only been four, but I didn’t give a fuck. With a broken heart you are just so much more vulnerable and emotional. So, before I even knew what was going on in my mind, I started shouting, “you know what? I know that I fucked that up! I didn’t even mean for it to happen, but for some fucking reason my brain started to stop working and it didn’t make reasonable decisions. So what? Nothing happened between us! Yes, sure, my weird brain tried to make things happen, but then Harper pushed me away and I immediately regretted it! Did I say sorry? No, because she ran out before I could. Did I know she was seeing someone? No, I did not. And have I had enough of this shit? Yes, I have. So, don’t mind me while I leave.”

And with that I shoved my tray of food towards Jack and stood up, walking out of the cafeteria like I really didn’t give a fuck. But, in reality, my brain had just shut off again, like what I was talking about in my mini rant/speech. So, yeah… as soon as I was in the hallway I was just lost and didn’t know what to do. The only thing I could think of doing was continue walking down a couple of hallways before punching a wall.

And I immediately regretted that, shaking my hand while trying to get rid of the pain, “ouch.”

There was a giggle next to me, causing me to turn my head to find Ash standing not far away from me. She walked up closer and I just wanted to hide in a hole. This was so embarrassing. The girl I liked was watching me do stupid things… really stupid things… I probably wasn’t going to be able to play guitar for a while; having a messed up left hand wasn’t going to work well.

“You know,” Ash leaned against the wall while I was cradling my throbbing hand, “we’ve all realised that you’ve been out of it recently. And I’ve been trying to be there for you, but you haven’t been talking to me. I understand, though, that you don’t want to. I just want to be there for you. So, if you want talk to me and tell me what’s wrong, is there anything else I can do to make you feel better?”

Ok, so, that was kind of useful to know. I had been so confused about Ash still hanging out with me so much, but now it all made sense. While everybody decided to leave me alone, she thought it would be better to stay around and show she actually cared. And I did appreciate her for that, I really did, because often things could go horribly wrong if people started acting like this. But she didn’t know that she was a big part of why I was feeling this way.

“You can kiss me?” I joked, referring to the Harper incident, but secretly hoping she would actually do it. However, that would probably only make things more complicated… right? Unless she suddenly confessed the feelings I hoped she had for me. But that would never happen, because they didn’t exist.

“I can kiss your hand better, if you’d like that,” Ash offered instead, so I accepted with a laugh. It was probably better that what I had suggested anyway.

“You’re going to be ok, right?” she asked me when the bell went.

I nodded, but deep down inside I knew I wasn’t going to get over this heartbreak that easily. Maybe just suppressing my feelings was going to work better. It was worth a shot.

Notes

So, Alex fucked up.... badly... and Ash still doesn't seem to realise she is the cause of it. Should Alex try to get over her or should he keep trying?