Live While We're Young
Thanks To You
As I stare at the envelope so much is going through my mind. I am so stunned because I never thought I would hear from this woman again and I am scared because I don’t know what she would want from me. As I am thinking about various reasons why she would be writing to me after 22 years I forget that Zack is still in the back lounge with me.
“Finlee, you’re turning ghost white. Are you okay?” Zack said snapping me out of my daze.
“Uh, y-yeah I am f-f-fine” I reply shaking.
“Do you need me to open that for you?” he says concerned as he walks over to sit down on the couch with me.
I can’t even reply, instead I just hand him the letter from my mother.
“Here you go. Do you need me to read it to you also?”
To this question I just nod and Zack proceeds to open the letter to read it to me.
My dearest Finlee,
I never thought I would be ever writing to you again. When the master chief of the orphanage in Newport Beach contacted me I basically passed out from shock. In order to bring my mind to ease I have decided to write you this short letter.
I have never forgotten about you Finlee Rayne but I can never see you. You see your father has just begun to love me again and we are about to move back in with each other. Meeting you may jeopardize the progress we have made. I also want to ask you to not contact your brother, I told him you died in a car crash when you were little hence the reason why there are no pictures of you passed the age of one. I don’t want him to hate me for yet another thing, so it would be great if you just stopped searching for us right now.
I’m sorry that I can’t be everything you have ever wanted. I just can’t lose the family that I have worked my ass off to keep since I was 19 years old. Your father has been my high school sweetheart since I was 15 and I do not want to make him feel as if he cannot trust me. We both loved you with all of our hearts but the feelings have been suppressed for too long for either of us to keep on loving you now.
Thank you for supporting these wishes. Your mother, Annalese Zaitz
Zack's POV
Looking at Finlee’s face as I am reading this letter to her is quite heartbreaking. What a way to end a fantastic night, right? I should have known that things were not going to go our way; something is always in the way when it comes to Finlee and me.
As I read the last few words of this nonsense I see Finlee wipe away something from her eyes. After I finish the last word I decide all I can do is hold her until she is done crying.
Through her sobs she managed to get out, “I just don’t understand what I did so badly to have nobody to love me.”
I grab her chin with two fingers and bring her head up so that she is looking into my eye, “I love you Finlee; in fact all of us on this bus love and adore you.”
“Th-thanks Zacky,” she said with a small smile, “I’m just gonna go to bed. Don’t worry about me and have fun.” And then she gave me a small peck on the cheek and walked to her bunk. The rest of the night went on like usual with everyone, except Finlee of course, drinking until they could drink no more. When I went to bed I couldn’t help but notice sniffles coming from the bunk across from me, which is Finlee’s bunk. Me being drunk also decided I needed to do something about the sniffles coming from her bunk so I opened her curtain, picked her up and threw her over my shoulder, brought her to the back lounge, locked the door, brought her to my lap, and let her cry her heart out yet again. Eventually we both fell asleep in the lounge.
November 4, 2011
Hey guys,
I just have a short update for y’ll tonight. I was able to write a letter to my brother this morning just to see if I could get any farther with my search. So hopefully I will hear from him in the next couple weeks. Tour is over in 2 weeks which means I have to go back to my normal life pretty soon, this is kind of sad for me to think about.
I also wanted to tell y’ll that I WENT OUT WITH THE ONE AND ONLY ZACHARY STEVEN MERRICK tonight!!!!! It was so much fun and he was such a gentleman. I am pretty sure I am falling harder and harder for this guy every day. We went to an arcade with Charlotte and Jack as a double date; though I doubt those two did much since they were sucking face THE WHOLE TIME! Anyway I can honestly say I had so much fun being goofy tonight and beginning to let my walls down slowly.
What happened once we got back to the bus is a doozy, however. When we got back the party was just beginning since we were about to pull out for the next venue in CO. I decided I didn’t want to get drunk yet again tonight and wanted to just have a quiet movie night in the back lounge. As I was just settling in the back Zack came barging in, which normally I wouldn’t care about, with a letter for me. I never get mail so I was really excited someone took the time to write to me; that is until I saw who the return sender was, my mother. I was in such shock that Zack had to read me the ENTIRE thing. Without going into all of the gory detail she basically told me to fuck off because I ruined her life once and she didn’t need me to ruin it again. She also told me not to contact my brother making their relationship horrible. Hearing what she had to say really hurt me and my confidence is completely gone, though I am going to really try and not let that show to my friends.
Well that is all I have for y’ll right now. I promise to update when I feel up to it again.
Finlee
Finlee's POV
**2 Weeks Later**
Today is the last show of the tour. Everyone has been pretty sad today, especially the crew, because they may not see us girls for a long while. Zack won’t miss me too much though since he has already made plans to come visit me at school during his break from tour. After the night of our double date we have gotten into a full blown relationship slowly.
But us being together has not helped with my confidence in myself. I have been faking feeling happy since the night I got my mother’s letter. I cringe at the word mother; she is just the egg donor to me at this point. I have begun to starve myself lately just because I want to feel better about something having to do with myself.
Today we are in Houston, TX which means it is my turn to check the P.O. Box set up for the tour. This scares me because it is now or never for me to find out if Fisher replied to my letter. “Matt, I am going to the Post Office to check the mail. Be back in an hour or so,” I say as I walk out the door of the bus towards the taxi I just called. He just nodded as a reply.
As the taxi got closer to the Post Office I began to become very nervous. What if he didn’t bother writing me back? Or what if he tells me to fuck off like my egg donor did? So many things were running through my mind.
After I open the P.O. Box I notice there are quite a few fan gifts to the guys and one envelope in the mix that was addressed to me. The envelope was from my brother which caused me to shake uncontrollably. I do not even know how I called the cab to take me back to the bus. As we drive away from the Post Office I decide that I will not read nor think about this letter until after I have a great night with the guys. I need to be happy (or pretend) for one more night before I let my world crash down even more.
I decide to help Vinny one last time before I am done with tour so I watched the set from the back of the venue. The guys looked so relaxed and happy up on stage which helped me to not think about the letter waiting for me in my purse. After the guys finished “Dear Maria, Count Me In” Vinny and I tried to pack up as fast as possible. You could tell that we both just wanted to get out of this stuffy venue and to the bus so we could party.
Around 2 am the whole bus was trashed and doing their own drunken separate things. For some reason I was the emotional drunk for this party and around this time I had run to the back of the bus crying. My boyfriend never even noticed I left which completely sucked but Jack-Jack noticed and came to my rescue almost
right away.
“What’s wrong gorgeous,” he asked as he sat next to me.
“I don’t know Jack-Jack. My life sucks and I am sick of feeling unworthy. And I got a letter from my mother that said fuck off a couple weeks ago. And I just got one from my “brother”…” I replied quickly.
He sat there stunned for a second before replying, “Have you read his letter?”
“N-no I wanted to have one last nice night with you guys. Looks like that has worked out well for me,” I said pointing to my face covered in makeup smeared across my face.
“Well sidekick let’s read the thing and then get even more trashed. Then we can
get my girlfriend and your boyfriend to take care of us” he replied with a smirk.
“It’s in my bag over there,” I sighed getting up.
“Here goes nothing.
Dear Ms. Finlee Rayne,
I guess I always knew you were alive and well somewhere. Your life really hasn’t been the best has it? You seem like a very nice and stable girl with a good head on your shoulders. I have so much information about my... our parents that it is too hard to write in a letter. I cannot promise you much because I tried to forget about the little sister I had a long time ago but if you would like I will be in Tacoma, WA next Friday through Sunday (Nov 25-27) so we can meet up.
I hope my letter gets to you in time and I hope to see you soon.
Love,
Fisher Zaitz”
“I guess you’re meeting your brother sidekick,” Jack said after I finished reciting the letter while jumping up from the couch.
“I don’t know if I can go there alone Jack!” I said sobbing.
“Well let’s get you to forget your night and then tomorrow you will fly home. While on the plane think about what you’re gonna do.”
“Wow, Jack has wisdom? I should get you drunk more often” I replied with a smile.
After my sob session Jack and I rallied until we were the last ones to pass out about 5 am. I woke up the next morning at about 10 am completely hung over and rushing to my flight back home. Let me tell you flying while hung over is not something I EVER want to do again! I do not wish the feeling on anybody. I decided that I needed to talk to Zack about the letter once I got home. He always knows what to do when I don’t. And hopefully in the process I can convince him to come with me to WA.
“Finlee, you’re turning ghost white. Are you okay?” Zack said snapping me out of my daze.
“Uh, y-yeah I am f-f-fine” I reply shaking.
“Do you need me to open that for you?” he says concerned as he walks over to sit down on the couch with me.
I can’t even reply, instead I just hand him the letter from my mother.
“Here you go. Do you need me to read it to you also?”
To this question I just nod and Zack proceeds to open the letter to read it to me.
My dearest Finlee,
I never thought I would be ever writing to you again. When the master chief of the orphanage in Newport Beach contacted me I basically passed out from shock. In order to bring my mind to ease I have decided to write you this short letter.
I have never forgotten about you Finlee Rayne but I can never see you. You see your father has just begun to love me again and we are about to move back in with each other. Meeting you may jeopardize the progress we have made. I also want to ask you to not contact your brother, I told him you died in a car crash when you were little hence the reason why there are no pictures of you passed the age of one. I don’t want him to hate me for yet another thing, so it would be great if you just stopped searching for us right now.
I’m sorry that I can’t be everything you have ever wanted. I just can’t lose the family that I have worked my ass off to keep since I was 19 years old. Your father has been my high school sweetheart since I was 15 and I do not want to make him feel as if he cannot trust me. We both loved you with all of our hearts but the feelings have been suppressed for too long for either of us to keep on loving you now.
Thank you for supporting these wishes. Your mother, Annalese Zaitz
Zack's POV
Looking at Finlee’s face as I am reading this letter to her is quite heartbreaking. What a way to end a fantastic night, right? I should have known that things were not going to go our way; something is always in the way when it comes to Finlee and me.
As I read the last few words of this nonsense I see Finlee wipe away something from her eyes. After I finish the last word I decide all I can do is hold her until she is done crying.
Through her sobs she managed to get out, “I just don’t understand what I did so badly to have nobody to love me.”
I grab her chin with two fingers and bring her head up so that she is looking into my eye, “I love you Finlee; in fact all of us on this bus love and adore you.”
“Th-thanks Zacky,” she said with a small smile, “I’m just gonna go to bed. Don’t worry about me and have fun.” And then she gave me a small peck on the cheek and walked to her bunk. The rest of the night went on like usual with everyone, except Finlee of course, drinking until they could drink no more. When I went to bed I couldn’t help but notice sniffles coming from the bunk across from me, which is Finlee’s bunk. Me being drunk also decided I needed to do something about the sniffles coming from her bunk so I opened her curtain, picked her up and threw her over my shoulder, brought her to the back lounge, locked the door, brought her to my lap, and let her cry her heart out yet again. Eventually we both fell asleep in the lounge.
November 4, 2011
Hey guys,
I just have a short update for y’ll tonight. I was able to write a letter to my brother this morning just to see if I could get any farther with my search. So hopefully I will hear from him in the next couple weeks. Tour is over in 2 weeks which means I have to go back to my normal life pretty soon, this is kind of sad for me to think about.
I also wanted to tell y’ll that I WENT OUT WITH THE ONE AND ONLY ZACHARY STEVEN MERRICK tonight!!!!! It was so much fun and he was such a gentleman. I am pretty sure I am falling harder and harder for this guy every day. We went to an arcade with Charlotte and Jack as a double date; though I doubt those two did much since they were sucking face THE WHOLE TIME! Anyway I can honestly say I had so much fun being goofy tonight and beginning to let my walls down slowly.
What happened once we got back to the bus is a doozy, however. When we got back the party was just beginning since we were about to pull out for the next venue in CO. I decided I didn’t want to get drunk yet again tonight and wanted to just have a quiet movie night in the back lounge. As I was just settling in the back Zack came barging in, which normally I wouldn’t care about, with a letter for me. I never get mail so I was really excited someone took the time to write to me; that is until I saw who the return sender was, my mother. I was in such shock that Zack had to read me the ENTIRE thing. Without going into all of the gory detail she basically told me to fuck off because I ruined her life once and she didn’t need me to ruin it again. She also told me not to contact my brother making their relationship horrible. Hearing what she had to say really hurt me and my confidence is completely gone, though I am going to really try and not let that show to my friends.
Well that is all I have for y’ll right now. I promise to update when I feel up to it again.
Finlee
Finlee's POV
**2 Weeks Later**
Today is the last show of the tour. Everyone has been pretty sad today, especially the crew, because they may not see us girls for a long while. Zack won’t miss me too much though since he has already made plans to come visit me at school during his break from tour. After the night of our double date we have gotten into a full blown relationship slowly.
But us being together has not helped with my confidence in myself. I have been faking feeling happy since the night I got my mother’s letter. I cringe at the word mother; she is just the egg donor to me at this point. I have begun to starve myself lately just because I want to feel better about something having to do with myself.
Today we are in Houston, TX which means it is my turn to check the P.O. Box set up for the tour. This scares me because it is now or never for me to find out if Fisher replied to my letter. “Matt, I am going to the Post Office to check the mail. Be back in an hour or so,” I say as I walk out the door of the bus towards the taxi I just called. He just nodded as a reply.
As the taxi got closer to the Post Office I began to become very nervous. What if he didn’t bother writing me back? Or what if he tells me to fuck off like my egg donor did? So many things were running through my mind.
After I open the P.O. Box I notice there are quite a few fan gifts to the guys and one envelope in the mix that was addressed to me. The envelope was from my brother which caused me to shake uncontrollably. I do not even know how I called the cab to take me back to the bus. As we drive away from the Post Office I decide that I will not read nor think about this letter until after I have a great night with the guys. I need to be happy (or pretend) for one more night before I let my world crash down even more.
I decide to help Vinny one last time before I am done with tour so I watched the set from the back of the venue. The guys looked so relaxed and happy up on stage which helped me to not think about the letter waiting for me in my purse. After the guys finished “Dear Maria, Count Me In” Vinny and I tried to pack up as fast as possible. You could tell that we both just wanted to get out of this stuffy venue and to the bus so we could party.
Around 2 am the whole bus was trashed and doing their own drunken separate things. For some reason I was the emotional drunk for this party and around this time I had run to the back of the bus crying. My boyfriend never even noticed I left which completely sucked but Jack-Jack noticed and came to my rescue almost
right away.
“What’s wrong gorgeous,” he asked as he sat next to me.
“I don’t know Jack-Jack. My life sucks and I am sick of feeling unworthy. And I got a letter from my mother that said fuck off a couple weeks ago. And I just got one from my “brother”…” I replied quickly.
He sat there stunned for a second before replying, “Have you read his letter?”
“N-no I wanted to have one last nice night with you guys. Looks like that has worked out well for me,” I said pointing to my face covered in makeup smeared across my face.
“Well sidekick let’s read the thing and then get even more trashed. Then we can
get my girlfriend and your boyfriend to take care of us” he replied with a smirk.
“It’s in my bag over there,” I sighed getting up.
“Here goes nothing.
Dear Ms. Finlee Rayne,
I guess I always knew you were alive and well somewhere. Your life really hasn’t been the best has it? You seem like a very nice and stable girl with a good head on your shoulders. I have so much information about my... our parents that it is too hard to write in a letter. I cannot promise you much because I tried to forget about the little sister I had a long time ago but if you would like I will be in Tacoma, WA next Friday through Sunday (Nov 25-27) so we can meet up.
I hope my letter gets to you in time and I hope to see you soon.
Love,
Fisher Zaitz”
“I guess you’re meeting your brother sidekick,” Jack said after I finished reciting the letter while jumping up from the couch.
“I don’t know if I can go there alone Jack!” I said sobbing.
“Well let’s get you to forget your night and then tomorrow you will fly home. While on the plane think about what you’re gonna do.”
“Wow, Jack has wisdom? I should get you drunk more often” I replied with a smile.
After my sob session Jack and I rallied until we were the last ones to pass out about 5 am. I woke up the next morning at about 10 am completely hung over and rushing to my flight back home. Let me tell you flying while hung over is not something I EVER want to do again! I do not wish the feeling on anybody. I decided that I needed to talk to Zack about the letter once I got home. He always knows what to do when I don’t. And hopefully in the process I can convince him to come with me to WA.
Ok. =) Can't wait.
1/11/13