Lullabies
prologue: so long and good night
Jack's P.O.V.
You know what's strange? Physical movement- specifically, the mechanics of it. Never in my nearly 18 years of living on Earth have I ever had any difficulties in moving. Once I finally figured out how to get up and going without falling flat on my diaper-covered ass, it almost seemed like I never stopped going. There was always some part of me fidgeting or mindlessly keeping time to some random tune floating around in the air, but as of right now, I found it hard to move my pinkie toe forward a couple inches. It was like every limb in my body was cut off from the wavelengths in my brain shouting Move! Come on you dumbass, go! Every step I took was physically painful, and I wanted nothing more than to plop down on the extremely sterile tiles and protest, but I really didn't have a choice in the matter. Not with what was at stake here.
"Jack," Mrs. Guthrie cooed from beside me, her hand on my shoulder as she lead me through the endless maze of hallways. "I know this hard for you, but you need to move on."
Just so we're clear here, I get along with basically everyone. Granted, I don't have a lot of feelings for 97% of the people I've met, but still. Never in my life have I hated someone with every fiber of my being. Mrs. Guthrie would be probably proud to know that she was the very first. She would also be proud to know that I was actually feeling something for once.
Then again, I've actually felt something the whole six months I was here. I felt something that I would probably never share with anyone, not even Alex.
"Jack," the light haired woman's voice repeated, "you're going to be okay."
There she goes with that voice again, talking to me like I was a child when she was maybe only ten years older than me. That was one thing that I wasn't going to miss about this place. Every time someone used that little kid voice with me, I had the urge to break something. My anger would just build and build until I couldn't contain it anymore. Luckily, I was always by myself when my anger finally spilled over.
Suddenly feeling a little claustrophobic, I jerked my arm away from her touch and ran a hand through my untamed, dark hair. It was a nervous habit I'd picked up long before coming to this hell hole, and it only seemed to have gotten worse with each passing day I was here. A sudden heavy silence fell between us, and while I was never good with silence, it seemed to be on my side for once, and I couldn't help but thank it for not being a total dickhead today.
We soon reached the main lounge area where some of the few patients who did wake up in the ungodly hours before 10 am were watching TV. A few eyes turned towards me, surprised to see me only in the company of Mrs. Guthrie. My luggage was all packed and sitting next to the entrance as well, earning me a few more curious glances. I was also a little surprised to see my parents already talking to the counselor outside, happy looks upon their faces. To them, this was a happy day. Their son was finally coming home after six months. They deserved to be happy today. Me on the other hand? I honestly just wanted to disappear. I didn't want to be here, but at the same time, I did. This place was my home for six months and now I was just supposed to leave just like everyone else. I was one of the patients that had the shortest time here, seeing as most people spent at least a year or so here. But, with some convincing from my parents and with the recent news that the band that I'm in (well, was in before I took a 'break') was about to be signed to a well-known record label over in California, Newcastle decided that I was in the clear to be checked out.
Still, as great as it would be to finally leave this sick, twisted place, I didn't want to leave- scratch that, I couldn't. But it wasn't like I could just close my eyes and pretend this wasn't happening. I always knew that sooner or later I would be released, I just didn't think it would be today.
And damn, I really wish it wasn't today.
Mrs. Guthrie grabbed my shoulders, making me turn to face her. "Jack, you need to understand that everything you are going through right now will soon disappear. You will no longer feel angry or depressed. Everyone here knows what they're doing, and our job is to make sure you and everyone else here gets better. However, some people get better faster than others- heck, some even stay here for most of their life."
If the grimace on my face wasn't enough to show that she hit a rather sensitive spot with me, then the small growl that emitted from the back of my throat was because she suddenly became quite flustered and tried to backpedal on her previous statement. "You know that I didn't mean it that way, Jack," she corrected. "I just mean that some people don't ever get better and you can't just keep waiting around for something that may never happen. Go out and live your life, you'll do much better away from here anyway."
That was a lie. A big, fat, stinking, lie. Everyone could get better. They were getting better by just staying alive, but they needed someone to believe and support them to actually make some noticeable progress.
"Don't be mad at me Jack, I only want what's best for you."
Those words hit me like a slap to the face, and it took every bit of self control in me not to start yelling at her. Instead, I just gave her one of my best fake smiles, one of the ones that showed all my teeth and could possibly be classified by some of my classmates back at Dulaney as my 'signature goofy smile'.
"Well Eva," I begin, making Mrs. Guthrie frown at my use of her first name, "not to sound rude or anything, but I don't really think you do-"
"I beg your pardon?" she bristled, obviously offended as she stared at me with wide eyes.
I just shrugged and continued. "You don't know what's best for me," I elaborated. "You think you do, but you don't."
Mrs. Guthridge sighed, tucking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear as she tried to hide the fact that she was rolling her eyes at me. Key word being tried. "Oh Jack, how I am not going to miss having to deal with you and your attitude day in and day out."
At least the feeling's mutual.
"I don't want to leave," I growled.
And just like that, Mrs. Guthrie attitude did another 180 as she forced a some-what convincing smile my way and pulled me into a hug. "I am so sorry, Jack," she said, her voice dripping with an unsettling sweetness. "You just can't stay here anymore, your family misses you and they want you home. Besides, just think of all the things you've missed."
Think of the things I missed? In all honesty, that was the last thing I wanted to do right now.
"You promised me you'd never leave."
I automatically turned my head towards the quiet voice behind me, the same voice that once filled my heart with joy now filled it with dread. A girl with long, raven black hair that fell down in messy waves stood only a few feet in front of me, her eyes wide and skin paler than usual, making the freckles on her face stand out even more. Tears started to fall onto the oversized grey t-shirt she was wearing, and her black and blue pajama pants hung off her hips and gathered at the base of her feet. She was also barefoot, and I couldn’t help but wonder how she wasn’t bothered by the freezing tile beneath her.
“Speedy, don’t do this,” I pleaded, taking a cautious step toward the girl I’d come to know in my time here. I never fully realized how tiny she was compared to me, the sixteen year old barely rounding up to 5’5 in height and not even weighing 100 pounds. She was practically skin and bones, and anger bubbled inside me at the thought that Newcastle was doing this to her.
With that first step I took, she backed away from me and started shaking her head, more tears falling from those beautiful grey orbs. A sudden pang of guilt hit my heart. I had never wanted to do this to her. I never wanted to hurt her.
”No,” she sniffled, not even bothering to wipe the tears from her eyes. “I always knew you would freaking leave me. You’ve already done it multiple times before!”
Confusion spread across my face as her words hit me and as she took another step back, tripping over her pajama pants. Instinctively, I took a couple more steps forward, trying to both keep her from falling and help her understand. “Speedy, I’ve never left-”
“DON’T LIE TO ME!” she suddenly screamed, taking both myself and a few surrounding people by surprise.
Mrs. Guthrie suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards her, trying to keep me away from the shaking, sobbing mess of black hair in front of me. “She’s not stable, Jack,” she quietly informed me. “That’s why I wanted this done as quickly as possible, it would’ve been better for the both of you if you were gone before she woke up.”
Anger bubbled up inside me yet again and my fist clenched together. Before I could lash out and say something I would regret later on, I let out a slow breath and silently counted to ten before speaking. “And how would that be better?” I questioned. “I’d still be gone.”
“Yes, but then you wouldn’t have had to see her like this.”
I didn’t even glance towards Mrs. Guthridge, I just kept my gaze level with the black haired girl in front of me. “I’ve never left you Thea,” I tried to tell her. “I would never do that, you know that-”
“I don’t like you anymore,” she quickly cut me off, the grey fabric of her shirt bunched up in fists tightly. “I don’t want to talk to you again. Ever.”
Up until that moment, I never believed that a heart could be broken. Metaphorically, sure, but physically? Never. Except now, my heart literally felt like it had shattered into a million pieces and then stomped all over for good measure. I watched helplessly as she turned on her heel and ran, disappearing behind the nearest corner she could find.
“Speedy, wait!” I cried out, trying to run after her to only be stopped yet again by Mrs. Guthrie.
“Jack,” she gently warned, “she’s made her decision. Now, it’s time for you to go.”
“But-”
“You’re starting to attract attention,” she snapped, quickly regaining her composure before softly adding, “you don’t want your parents to see you like this, do you?”
At this point, I didn’t care what my parents thought about me or any of this, and I was just about to tell her that when the front door open and Newcastle’s counselor, Mr. Bauer, made his way over to me.
“Ready to go, Jack?” he asked with a kind smile, one that calmed me down slightly. “Your parents are waiting outside.”
Mrs. Guthrie breathed a sigh of relief, seemingly more than happy to have another person here to help. “Actually Robert, I’ll help out Jack,” she spoke. “You need to go help out Ms. Andrews.”
Mr. Bauer immediately understood what she meant and nodded his response, casting me an apologetic glance before jogging off towards the girls’ room. And I swear to anything in the sky who was watching, he whispered something that sounded like “I’m sorry” as soon as he passed me.
Even if he did, I knew it was a lie. Nobody here was sorry. Nobody but me. I was only sorry because I had to leave her.
And she was probably the best thing that will ever happen to me.
You know what's strange? Physical movement- specifically, the mechanics of it. Never in my nearly 18 years of living on Earth have I ever had any difficulties in moving. Once I finally figured out how to get up and going without falling flat on my diaper-covered ass, it almost seemed like I never stopped going. There was always some part of me fidgeting or mindlessly keeping time to some random tune floating around in the air, but as of right now, I found it hard to move my pinkie toe forward a couple inches. It was like every limb in my body was cut off from the wavelengths in my brain shouting Move! Come on you dumbass, go! Every step I took was physically painful, and I wanted nothing more than to plop down on the extremely sterile tiles and protest, but I really didn't have a choice in the matter. Not with what was at stake here.
"Jack," Mrs. Guthrie cooed from beside me, her hand on my shoulder as she lead me through the endless maze of hallways. "I know this hard for you, but you need to move on."
Just so we're clear here, I get along with basically everyone. Granted, I don't have a lot of feelings for 97% of the people I've met, but still. Never in my life have I hated someone with every fiber of my being. Mrs. Guthrie would be probably proud to know that she was the very first. She would also be proud to know that I was actually feeling something for once.
Then again, I've actually felt something the whole six months I was here. I felt something that I would probably never share with anyone, not even Alex.
"Jack," the light haired woman's voice repeated, "you're going to be okay."
There she goes with that voice again, talking to me like I was a child when she was maybe only ten years older than me. That was one thing that I wasn't going to miss about this place. Every time someone used that little kid voice with me, I had the urge to break something. My anger would just build and build until I couldn't contain it anymore. Luckily, I was always by myself when my anger finally spilled over.
Suddenly feeling a little claustrophobic, I jerked my arm away from her touch and ran a hand through my untamed, dark hair. It was a nervous habit I'd picked up long before coming to this hell hole, and it only seemed to have gotten worse with each passing day I was here. A sudden heavy silence fell between us, and while I was never good with silence, it seemed to be on my side for once, and I couldn't help but thank it for not being a total dickhead today.
We soon reached the main lounge area where some of the few patients who did wake up in the ungodly hours before 10 am were watching TV. A few eyes turned towards me, surprised to see me only in the company of Mrs. Guthrie. My luggage was all packed and sitting next to the entrance as well, earning me a few more curious glances. I was also a little surprised to see my parents already talking to the counselor outside, happy looks upon their faces. To them, this was a happy day. Their son was finally coming home after six months. They deserved to be happy today. Me on the other hand? I honestly just wanted to disappear. I didn't want to be here, but at the same time, I did. This place was my home for six months and now I was just supposed to leave just like everyone else. I was one of the patients that had the shortest time here, seeing as most people spent at least a year or so here. But, with some convincing from my parents and with the recent news that the band that I'm in (well, was in before I took a 'break') was about to be signed to a well-known record label over in California, Newcastle decided that I was in the clear to be checked out.
Still, as great as it would be to finally leave this sick, twisted place, I didn't want to leave- scratch that, I couldn't. But it wasn't like I could just close my eyes and pretend this wasn't happening. I always knew that sooner or later I would be released, I just didn't think it would be today.
And damn, I really wish it wasn't today.
Mrs. Guthrie grabbed my shoulders, making me turn to face her. "Jack, you need to understand that everything you are going through right now will soon disappear. You will no longer feel angry or depressed. Everyone here knows what they're doing, and our job is to make sure you and everyone else here gets better. However, some people get better faster than others- heck, some even stay here for most of their life."
If the grimace on my face wasn't enough to show that she hit a rather sensitive spot with me, then the small growl that emitted from the back of my throat was because she suddenly became quite flustered and tried to backpedal on her previous statement. "You know that I didn't mean it that way, Jack," she corrected. "I just mean that some people don't ever get better and you can't just keep waiting around for something that may never happen. Go out and live your life, you'll do much better away from here anyway."
That was a lie. A big, fat, stinking, lie. Everyone could get better. They were getting better by just staying alive, but they needed someone to believe and support them to actually make some noticeable progress.
"Don't be mad at me Jack, I only want what's best for you."
Those words hit me like a slap to the face, and it took every bit of self control in me not to start yelling at her. Instead, I just gave her one of my best fake smiles, one of the ones that showed all my teeth and could possibly be classified by some of my classmates back at Dulaney as my 'signature goofy smile'.
"Well Eva," I begin, making Mrs. Guthrie frown at my use of her first name, "not to sound rude or anything, but I don't really think you do-"
"I beg your pardon?" she bristled, obviously offended as she stared at me with wide eyes.
I just shrugged and continued. "You don't know what's best for me," I elaborated. "You think you do, but you don't."
Mrs. Guthridge sighed, tucking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear as she tried to hide the fact that she was rolling her eyes at me. Key word being tried. "Oh Jack, how I am not going to miss having to deal with you and your attitude day in and day out."
At least the feeling's mutual.
"I don't want to leave," I growled.
And just like that, Mrs. Guthrie attitude did another 180 as she forced a some-what convincing smile my way and pulled me into a hug. "I am so sorry, Jack," she said, her voice dripping with an unsettling sweetness. "You just can't stay here anymore, your family misses you and they want you home. Besides, just think of all the things you've missed."
Think of the things I missed? In all honesty, that was the last thing I wanted to do right now.
"You promised me you'd never leave."
I automatically turned my head towards the quiet voice behind me, the same voice that once filled my heart with joy now filled it with dread. A girl with long, raven black hair that fell down in messy waves stood only a few feet in front of me, her eyes wide and skin paler than usual, making the freckles on her face stand out even more. Tears started to fall onto the oversized grey t-shirt she was wearing, and her black and blue pajama pants hung off her hips and gathered at the base of her feet. She was also barefoot, and I couldn’t help but wonder how she wasn’t bothered by the freezing tile beneath her.
“Speedy, don’t do this,” I pleaded, taking a cautious step toward the girl I’d come to know in my time here. I never fully realized how tiny she was compared to me, the sixteen year old barely rounding up to 5’5 in height and not even weighing 100 pounds. She was practically skin and bones, and anger bubbled inside me at the thought that Newcastle was doing this to her.
With that first step I took, she backed away from me and started shaking her head, more tears falling from those beautiful grey orbs. A sudden pang of guilt hit my heart. I had never wanted to do this to her. I never wanted to hurt her.
”No,” she sniffled, not even bothering to wipe the tears from her eyes. “I always knew you would freaking leave me. You’ve already done it multiple times before!”
Confusion spread across my face as her words hit me and as she took another step back, tripping over her pajama pants. Instinctively, I took a couple more steps forward, trying to both keep her from falling and help her understand. “Speedy, I’ve never left-”
“DON’T LIE TO ME!” she suddenly screamed, taking both myself and a few surrounding people by surprise.
Mrs. Guthrie suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards her, trying to keep me away from the shaking, sobbing mess of black hair in front of me. “She’s not stable, Jack,” she quietly informed me. “That’s why I wanted this done as quickly as possible, it would’ve been better for the both of you if you were gone before she woke up.”
Anger bubbled up inside me yet again and my fist clenched together. Before I could lash out and say something I would regret later on, I let out a slow breath and silently counted to ten before speaking. “And how would that be better?” I questioned. “I’d still be gone.”
“Yes, but then you wouldn’t have had to see her like this.”
I didn’t even glance towards Mrs. Guthridge, I just kept my gaze level with the black haired girl in front of me. “I’ve never left you Thea,” I tried to tell her. “I would never do that, you know that-”
“I don’t like you anymore,” she quickly cut me off, the grey fabric of her shirt bunched up in fists tightly. “I don’t want to talk to you again. Ever.”
Up until that moment, I never believed that a heart could be broken. Metaphorically, sure, but physically? Never. Except now, my heart literally felt like it had shattered into a million pieces and then stomped all over for good measure. I watched helplessly as she turned on her heel and ran, disappearing behind the nearest corner she could find.
“Speedy, wait!” I cried out, trying to run after her to only be stopped yet again by Mrs. Guthrie.
“Jack,” she gently warned, “she’s made her decision. Now, it’s time for you to go.”
“But-”
“You’re starting to attract attention,” she snapped, quickly regaining her composure before softly adding, “you don’t want your parents to see you like this, do you?”
At this point, I didn’t care what my parents thought about me or any of this, and I was just about to tell her that when the front door open and Newcastle’s counselor, Mr. Bauer, made his way over to me.
“Ready to go, Jack?” he asked with a kind smile, one that calmed me down slightly. “Your parents are waiting outside.”
Mrs. Guthrie breathed a sigh of relief, seemingly more than happy to have another person here to help. “Actually Robert, I’ll help out Jack,” she spoke. “You need to go help out Ms. Andrews.”
Mr. Bauer immediately understood what she meant and nodded his response, casting me an apologetic glance before jogging off towards the girls’ room. And I swear to anything in the sky who was watching, he whispered something that sounded like “I’m sorry” as soon as he passed me.
Even if he did, I knew it was a lie. Nobody here was sorry. Nobody but me. I was only sorry because I had to leave her.
And she was probably the best thing that will ever happen to me.
Notes
So I know it's been over a week since I've last updated The Edge Of Tonight, but I've had this idea in my head for awhile, and I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. This story is going to be kind of a side thing, something to work on when I'm having writer's block on TEOT, so updates won't be as frequent as the other story, which I guess is kind of scary since the other updates over there aren't that frequent either xD
But anyways, hope you like what I have so far of this story! Let me know what you think and be on the look out for updates on both this story and TEOT coming soon.
