What Can I Say

"Jack shut the fuck up and listen to me! Stop interrupting," I said into the phone.

We had both gone home to our separate homes and I was currently laying on the carpet talking to Jack on the phone. While Alex was more of my best friend Jack was someone that I knew I could tell anything to. Right now he was more angry about the game but I was more confused than anything. I wasn't mad about the end result, I wasn't mad about the play that made the game. I was mad at one thing alone, the damn feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"So repeat yourself, I'm sorry," Jack muttered.

"Alex and I kissed and there was a fucking spark and I'm so fucking confused," I said again.

"Maybe you should talk to him about it instead of me."

"Maybe you need to help me. I'm confused."

"Look girl, there's feelings there. You feel some kind of way about him and I know exactly how he feels for you. You two need to talk feelings."

"How does he feel about me?"

I could almost see his facial expression, the way his eyebrows were creasing with his growing frustration. I knew that I could get the information that I wanted out of him, it was just going to take some time. Jack, while able to keep a secret, got frustrated easily which lead to secrets occasionally coming out. He was usually pretty good about it.

"Shay, that isn't my place and you know that," he told me.

I let out a sigh before speaking, "Jack, I'm not stupid you practically told me he has feeling for me. I just want you to tell me to what extent."

"He's in love with you Shay, anyone can fucking tell that."

I hung up the phone, there was that word that stained my lips and cursed my tongue. Love. That vile emotion that never existed in my life. I've been asked about a hundred times who hurt me so bad? Who could make a person so dark, so emotionless? No one hurt me, I let the world into my mind.

The world was my cancer. The world was the thing that had gotten into my brain, shifting my thoughts to something more sinister. Because of the world I believed that there wasn't anybody who could ever love me. It wasn't that I didn't believe love could happen for other people because I did. I would watch a couple talk while sitting at a table within my line of sight. I would watch how they interacted, how they talked and secretly wish it for myself. I knew it wasn't going to happen but I was always told to hope.

I would watch the couple and how they talked to one another, how they could simply say nothing and it be fun. I would envy that, wishing for someone to look at me the way that they would look at each other. There was no person who would admire me as if I hung the moon or put the very stars into the velvet sky. There was no one to tell me that it was okay to want to stay in instead of going outside. I was jealous because there was no one to love the parts of myself that I hadn't been able to love yet.

Could Alex be the person willing to deal with me? There was no way he could ever fall in love with me but Jack was swearing he was. Alex had seen me at my best and worst and never faltered. Could a person have emotions for me? Was that possible? Was I actually going to let anything become of that? Did I even love Alex?

I climbed into my bed, hoping that I could not only sleep my problems away but also make some sense of things in the morning. I was probably delirious from being up for so long. Things would make sense at school tomorrow, I was sure of that

Notes

I'm sorry that this seems a little sad, it came out sadder than I intended but it explains it really well. I got my lip pierced today and I love it and I also found out my friend would have just laughed had I passed out.

Leave a comment and rate if you enjoy :)

Title Credit: If It Means A Lot To You - A Day To Remember