What Can I Say

"You're such a dick! I'm your best friend, why would you save Jack instead," I faked a hurt.

"Cause Jack's my lover so I'd save him instead," Alex said sticking his tongue out at me.

"Aw, that's adorable. When's the wedding?"

"Next month," Jack said, kissing Alex's neck.

"What's the theme gonna be," I questioned.

"Dicks!"

I face palmed at Jack. Don't get me wrong, I love that guy, well as close to love as I was capable of but that's aside from the point. We were still waiting for our other friend who was probably chatting with some girl in the hallway between classes, making it harder for him to skip. We were all sitting in my car waiting for Rian's slow ass so we could meet Zack at the dinner downtown. I was impatiently shifting gears with my foot pressed on the clutch. Alex was in shotgun, like he always was and Jack was now laying down across the entire back seat. I shook my head and chuckled under my breath, as much as they drove me up a wall I enjoyed having the guys around.

"Dude, did you see Trent today," Alex asked me.

"Yeah, why," I asked, tensing at my exs name.

"The way he stares at you is kinda cute. He's still in love with you, you know that right?"

"First, don't use that word in my car. Second, yeah I know he still whatever's me. I broke him and he's still coming back to me because he thinks I can fix him. He opened himself up to me, showed me his darkest walls and I wasn't afraid of that. I was afraid of myself so I forced myself away. I didn't know what to do. Because of that he's now damaged goods he's not sure if someone else could ever want him. I did that to him."

"Shay, we've been over this. We break people, we hurt people. You are human you are not a monster."

"I'd rather be broken than break another."

Before Alex could say anything Rian opened the door and sat on Jack's legs, causing a frail scream from the lanky boy. I watched as he quickly adjusted himself from under our drummer friend. Rian was laughing at Jack who was currently glaring daggers at him. I quickly turned over the engine hearing the loud exhaust rip through the silence. The car was mostly silent for the first time ever as we drove to the diner. I saw Zack pull in on his motorcycle. How did we manage to time this one perfectly?

Rian and Zack ran out of the vehicle to go tackle the most muscular of the group. Their friendship was still really cute even though it was a daily thing for me to see. I went to open my door and Alex grabbed my arm. I somehow gathered the strength to look him in the eyes. His soft hazel eyes scared me because they see right me.

"Shay, you are beautiful and strong. Stop seeing yourself as a monster. You are so much more than that, I promise you. You deserve to be loved and to love. Would I lie to you," he whispered.

"Alex, love isn't real. I'm a monster. Don't try to tell me I'm not," I muttered.

"Let's go eat."

He had given up. I watched as my caramel haired best friend got out of my vehicle. I met him back in middle school and he became my best, and only friend. From that point our friendship and group grew, and it now includes his lover, the band geek and the gym addict. I wouldn't change this group for the world though. They've impacted my life more than one person can think. However back when I first met Alex it was obvious he had the biggest crush on me. Now I was certain he was over it.

I slid next to Alex across from Jack and Zack. Rian had pulled up a chair and it was once again uncharacteristically quiet. Something was wrong with this group today or was I just noticing things again that I hadn't before?

"So Ri, why were you late," I asked.

"Oh uh," he blushed, "I may have finally talked to that girl."

"Took you long enough, did you ask her out?"

"I have a date tomorrow."

"Get it Riri," Jack congratulated.

I looked over at Alex who was staring at me. He quickly shook his head and went back to where he was looking. I'm not going to say my best friend isn't hot because that's a lie. He currently had a black beanie covering his disheveled caramel hair. He had on a black Blink 182 shirt and gray skinny jeans. Black combat boots coved his feet. He was hot, how did he not have girls crawling all over him all the time.

I moved my bleach blonde hair out from my eyes again. My gray eyes traced my tattooed sleeve as my fingers slowly followed. I had gotten it off of a dare when I first turned eighteen an absolutely loved it. I fixed my black tank top as I sat there. My red plaid miniskirt shifted against my torn up tights as I moved slightly. I dropped a heavy, combat boot covered foot to the ground.

"Shay, you alright," Zack asked.

"Yeah, I've just been out of pills and I'm really on edge. I'll be fine, just really want them to come in soon. Kinda need them ya know," I responded.

"I get you."

I messed with the straw in my drink that I just noticed came. I was really out of it since Trent had given me that pathetic look. Why could he still break my heart with one glance. He had broken up with me over a year ago and still he was to get into my life. I just wasn't sure what to do, it was still my fault that it had fallen apart. Had I been a better girlfriend, had I had the capability to feel love maybe we'd still be together.

Maybe I'd need to try again with someone else but how am I supposed to when no one could ever love me? How could I find to love when love doesn't exist?

Notes

I got bored and wanted to work with the idea of a character not believing in love and it's going to be a fun little trip. It will mostly be in Shay's point of view with a few interjections from Alex's. There shouldn't be anything triggering in this at all but if there is I will defiantly put a warning. I really hope you enjoy this, I just liked the idea.

My roommate is awesome and I'm kinda sad that she's straight but it happens. At least she's just really chill. She also likes the same bands so we'll talk about Korn and All Time Low and a bunch of other bands and it's great.

Leave a comment and rate if you enjoy :)

Title credit: Breakeven - The Script