Without the Love
Maybe I'm Wrong
-Alex-
I watched her walk away without a single tear sliding down her porcelain face and every inch of my entire being wanted to scream after her “Don’t go!” But instead I turned to the crowd of fans, mostly girls between the ages of twelve and twenty one, and tried to smile. Instead, with all their steady frowns on me, I licked my dry lips and made my way back to the venue alone. The guys did come, as I set the amp up back stage alone, the three of them filing in in a single file line with the same emotionless faces.
“Ready?” God, I was starting to make myself sick with the amount of carelessness I’d seemed to gather up and store for this moment in time.
“I’m not going on.” Zack said firmly, looking at me as if I was the stupidest thing in the world. “I’m done
Alex. Cheating on her, yeah, that was fucking pushing it. But dumping her like that? In front of all those strangers? Thousands of miles from her home?” He was pissed, shaking with fury. I took a step back when he stepped forward, knowing if I wasn’t careful he’d strangle the life out of me. “I’m done Alex. I quit.”
We all watched as he threw his guitar on the floor and turned on his heel, stalking out. Jack looked like he wanted to follow and Rian just looked uncomfortable. I rubbed my face and stood there in the suspended silence, waiting for one of them to say something. But neither of them did. Jack picked up his guitar and Rian grabbed his drum sticks but neither of them said a word to me. Let them take her side if it meant leaving me be.
-----
I rolled over in bed and stared out the rain splattered window while Lisa slept soundly beside me, the ache in my chest back.
After Mackenzie and I had broken up I’d taken to drinking with a vengeance and stumbling from here to there with so little to do I was bored just listening to myself breathe.
The band broke up, Rian was the only one who would talk to me-even Jack hated my guts- I had nothing. I’d gotten back to Baltimore praying she hadn’t had the chance to clear her stuff out only to walk into a completely empty house. All the pictures had been taken off the walls; their frames neatly stacked in a pile on the coffee table while their contents were part of the mass confetti in the trash can in the kitchen. Her cooking utensils were gone and the fridge wasn’t stocked like it usually was when I got home from tour. There were no more candles on the mantel or little knickknacks on the big bookshelf in the corner of the living room. Her sappy love stories and murder mysteries were not in their places either. With a heavy heart I’d traveled upstairs to see her half of the closet completely empty, our-my-dresser empty of jewelry and make up and hair products that didn’t belong to me, the drawers on her side completely empty, and the bathroom void of any trace that a woman had ever lived there. Even the bed didn’t smell like her…even her pillow didn’t smell like her. My plain black comforter, sheets and pillow cases were dressing the bed; and my laundry was still in a pile on the laundry room floor. The house was dull and quiet, Bas wouldn’t come out from under the bed. When I finally coaxed him out, hours after returning home, it was only to discover what he was guarding under there. The stuffed green alien toy she’d got for him right before we left. I’d picked it up and patted his head, feeling more sorry for myself than I’d ever been.
Lisa shifted beside me, sliding her arm around my back in an attempt to roll me over. “Alex?”
“I thought you were asleep.” I glanced over my shoulder at her.
“I was.” She sat up and rubbed my arm. “Everything okay?” Lisa wasn’t one for emotions but she did sound a little concerned.
“Everything’s fine.” I got up and stretched my shoulders, rubbing my face. My phone lit up as I crossed the room; I scooped it up on my way down. A number I never thought I’d see again flashed across my screen, causing me to stop mid step on the stairs. It was a cell number with an LA area code and an ‘Unknown’ caller ID. I bit my lip and sank down on the couch, answering it. “Hello?”
“Oh. That’s who this is.” It….wasn’t who I was hoping it was.
“What?” I said bitterly, rubbing my face. This wasn’t the bitchy brunette I wanted to be speaking with.
“Nothing. I don’t know why you’re numbers in her phone.” Demetria sounded exhausted, her voice cracking a little as she spoke.
Worry overcame my entire being so quick I almost threw up. “Why are you looking through her phone?” Bile crept up my esophagus and threatened to expel as I went through all the possibilities in my mind as I sat there, praying she didn’t hang up. I knew by now I had no right to worry about my ex, I was the one who ended things. But when you spend nearly a decade of your life loving and caring for one person…no matter your reasons for leaving them you never quite loose that idea that they might need you. The fact that Demi was scrolling through her phone like this only made me start to worry more. Of course I knew that she was doing well. Her face was on TV and she’d done commercials, if you walked past a Victoria’s Secret in the mall you could usually see her on a poster somewhere by the door. But memories of watching her lie in a hospital bed gasping for every breath would forever haunt my mind. Yep. I’m just a major douche.
“None of your business.” Her voice wavered and I knew what was coming.
Before she had a chance to disconnect I asked her, in the softest voice I can ever remember mustering, “Is she okay?”
Pause. Sigh. Time ticking by on a clock less timeline. Voices murmured in the back ground, male, all of them were male. Voices that I knew without a doubt who they belonged too. And then she heaved a loud, lefty sigh. “We can’t find her. Her phone was on the counter and her apartment door was wide open.”
“Where is Zack?” God. That one hurt a lot. The two of them had had a sort of thing since the two of us broke up I guess.
“Probably with her. Their just…not where we can find them.”
“And so you…call me?”
“Your number’s the only unlabeled one in her phone.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah…goodnight Alex.”
“Night.”
I sat there holding the phone for the longest time after we hung up, not sure how jubilant I felt –or should have felt- about the fact that she still had my number on her phone. The break up…the break up was supposed to do good things for us. It was…well I had my reasons for it.
But it wasn’t working.
I called the airport. She was missing. And that’s all I cared about
I watched her walk away without a single tear sliding down her porcelain face and every inch of my entire being wanted to scream after her “Don’t go!” But instead I turned to the crowd of fans, mostly girls between the ages of twelve and twenty one, and tried to smile. Instead, with all their steady frowns on me, I licked my dry lips and made my way back to the venue alone. The guys did come, as I set the amp up back stage alone, the three of them filing in in a single file line with the same emotionless faces.
“Ready?” God, I was starting to make myself sick with the amount of carelessness I’d seemed to gather up and store for this moment in time.
“I’m not going on.” Zack said firmly, looking at me as if I was the stupidest thing in the world. “I’m done
Alex. Cheating on her, yeah, that was fucking pushing it. But dumping her like that? In front of all those strangers? Thousands of miles from her home?” He was pissed, shaking with fury. I took a step back when he stepped forward, knowing if I wasn’t careful he’d strangle the life out of me. “I’m done Alex. I quit.”
We all watched as he threw his guitar on the floor and turned on his heel, stalking out. Jack looked like he wanted to follow and Rian just looked uncomfortable. I rubbed my face and stood there in the suspended silence, waiting for one of them to say something. But neither of them did. Jack picked up his guitar and Rian grabbed his drum sticks but neither of them said a word to me. Let them take her side if it meant leaving me be.
-----
I rolled over in bed and stared out the rain splattered window while Lisa slept soundly beside me, the ache in my chest back.
After Mackenzie and I had broken up I’d taken to drinking with a vengeance and stumbling from here to there with so little to do I was bored just listening to myself breathe.
The band broke up, Rian was the only one who would talk to me-even Jack hated my guts- I had nothing. I’d gotten back to Baltimore praying she hadn’t had the chance to clear her stuff out only to walk into a completely empty house. All the pictures had been taken off the walls; their frames neatly stacked in a pile on the coffee table while their contents were part of the mass confetti in the trash can in the kitchen. Her cooking utensils were gone and the fridge wasn’t stocked like it usually was when I got home from tour. There were no more candles on the mantel or little knickknacks on the big bookshelf in the corner of the living room. Her sappy love stories and murder mysteries were not in their places either. With a heavy heart I’d traveled upstairs to see her half of the closet completely empty, our-my-dresser empty of jewelry and make up and hair products that didn’t belong to me, the drawers on her side completely empty, and the bathroom void of any trace that a woman had ever lived there. Even the bed didn’t smell like her…even her pillow didn’t smell like her. My plain black comforter, sheets and pillow cases were dressing the bed; and my laundry was still in a pile on the laundry room floor. The house was dull and quiet, Bas wouldn’t come out from under the bed. When I finally coaxed him out, hours after returning home, it was only to discover what he was guarding under there. The stuffed green alien toy she’d got for him right before we left. I’d picked it up and patted his head, feeling more sorry for myself than I’d ever been.
Lisa shifted beside me, sliding her arm around my back in an attempt to roll me over. “Alex?”
“I thought you were asleep.” I glanced over my shoulder at her.
“I was.” She sat up and rubbed my arm. “Everything okay?” Lisa wasn’t one for emotions but she did sound a little concerned.
“Everything’s fine.” I got up and stretched my shoulders, rubbing my face. My phone lit up as I crossed the room; I scooped it up on my way down. A number I never thought I’d see again flashed across my screen, causing me to stop mid step on the stairs. It was a cell number with an LA area code and an ‘Unknown’ caller ID. I bit my lip and sank down on the couch, answering it. “Hello?”
“Oh. That’s who this is.” It….wasn’t who I was hoping it was.
“What?” I said bitterly, rubbing my face. This wasn’t the bitchy brunette I wanted to be speaking with.
“Nothing. I don’t know why you’re numbers in her phone.” Demetria sounded exhausted, her voice cracking a little as she spoke.
Worry overcame my entire being so quick I almost threw up. “Why are you looking through her phone?” Bile crept up my esophagus and threatened to expel as I went through all the possibilities in my mind as I sat there, praying she didn’t hang up. I knew by now I had no right to worry about my ex, I was the one who ended things. But when you spend nearly a decade of your life loving and caring for one person…no matter your reasons for leaving them you never quite loose that idea that they might need you. The fact that Demi was scrolling through her phone like this only made me start to worry more. Of course I knew that she was doing well. Her face was on TV and she’d done commercials, if you walked past a Victoria’s Secret in the mall you could usually see her on a poster somewhere by the door. But memories of watching her lie in a hospital bed gasping for every breath would forever haunt my mind. Yep. I’m just a major douche.
“None of your business.” Her voice wavered and I knew what was coming.
Before she had a chance to disconnect I asked her, in the softest voice I can ever remember mustering, “Is she okay?”
Pause. Sigh. Time ticking by on a clock less timeline. Voices murmured in the back ground, male, all of them were male. Voices that I knew without a doubt who they belonged too. And then she heaved a loud, lefty sigh. “We can’t find her. Her phone was on the counter and her apartment door was wide open.”
“Where is Zack?” God. That one hurt a lot. The two of them had had a sort of thing since the two of us broke up I guess.
“Probably with her. Their just…not where we can find them.”
“And so you…call me?”
“Your number’s the only unlabeled one in her phone.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah…goodnight Alex.”
“Night.”
I sat there holding the phone for the longest time after we hung up, not sure how jubilant I felt –or should have felt- about the fact that she still had my number on her phone. The break up…the break up was supposed to do good things for us. It was…well I had my reasons for it.
But it wasn’t working.
I called the airport. She was missing. And that’s all I cared about
Notes
Tada. Have some douchey big brother Alex.-xoxoDR
@RosesNWriters
Aw, yay, you're back! Thanks for commenting on here, or I probably wouldn't have realized.
I'll check out the revamp as soon as I can. :)
10/25/18