Jack Barakat Imagines
Loss and Grief
Your POV
It’s hard being in a relationship with someone who’s holding back. I can physically feel Jack holding back on what we are. When we kiss, it’s timid, and not passionate. When we have sex, his eyes look like they would rather be focused on someone hotter. I don’t know why I don’t feel loved by him. Something felt like he was holding back, and I was determined to find out what.
After hours of waiting for him to text me, I finally just decided to go to his house. We were supposed to meet today, but Jack often blows me off, claiming that he either forgot or that something came up and he wouldn’t be bothered to text me.
It hurts to know that you’re giving your all in a relationship with someone who won’t try even remotely hard for you. I don’t know what he’s afraid of, but I’ve been with him this long, and the fact that he won’t see that I’m still not going to leave isn’t going to help matters any.
Driving to Jack’s was faster than I wanted it to be. When I got there, his car was there. He probably didn’t even bother to get out of bed. Why am I trying so hard for someone that won’t even give me the time of day?
I don’t bother to ring the bell or knock; he wouldn’t come down anyway. So I barge into his home unannounced. “Jack?” I call out. He’s either in one of two places. Either in his room asleep or watching TV. “Jack, where the fuck are you, this isn’t funny.”
“I never said it was,” I heard his voice coming from the couch, and when I wandered over to see where he was, he was already dressed, just playing on his phone. Obviously ignoring my frantic texts. Asshole.
“What the fuck, I thought we were going to do something. Didn’t you see my fucking texts?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And you decided to ignore them? That’s fucked up. If you didn’t want to be with me today, you could have just said it.”
“What purpose would that bring?” His tone was bored. Why do I even bother with this prick.
“Do you even care about me? Like at all?”
“Of course I do, you’re my girlfriend.”
“Oh really? Because I don’t feel like your girlfriend. Be honest with me Jack, am I just a fuck for you? A stress reliever? Because when we agreed on this relationship, we both agreed to go in all the way.”
“These aren’t wedding vows, chill your shit.” Jack’s tone was pissing me off more than usual. It was like our time together meant nothing to him.
“Do you even love me?” I stood in front of him so he had to look at me. He stood up and when he walked closer, I walked back. I was determined to keep a distance between us. To be honest, fights like these always happened. But Jack ended up saying sweet stupid things and I always forgave him. Until he pulled the exact same bullshit again. It was like I was stuck in a perpetual deja vu zone, and there was no way to even maneuver out of it.
“What kind of question is that?” he spat, his voice low. I could tell it wasn’t of affection. Why did he keep me around if he doesn’t even love me.
“A valid one.” I crossed my arms in defiance. “It seems like to me that my feelings mean nothing to you, and you wouldn’t even care if I fell off the face of the planet.”
“Of course I would care, you’re my girlfriend.”
I shook my head. I’m not letting this bastard get away with it again. “Don’t pull that shit with me, Jack. Not today. You don’t answer any of my texts or calls. You’re on your phone and you blatantly ignore me. Do I mean anything to you?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. He avoided my gaze. I don’t believe him. So I told him.
“I don’t believe you.”
“What the fuck, why not?” Jack’s attention was on me, but it was negative. I guess some was better than none at all.
“Because you don’t show it. I could die right now and I doubt you’d even mourn.”
“Don’t say shit like that, Y/N.”
“Why? It’s fucking true. You care so little for my feelings why should I even consider spending more time with you if all you’re going to do is waste it.”
I could tell my words were finally going through to him, because his dark chocolate eyes were now softening. Good. Let your defense down so I can destroy you from the inside like you did to me. Of course, that was the last thing I wanted to do, but it felt nice for him to feel for once. That I wasn’t the only one getting hurt.
“You know what? Fuck this, I’m done. Once you can pay some obvious attention to me that I deserve, maybe we can be together. But until then, we’re through Jack. I’m tired of trying and getting nothing in return.”
“Y/N, wait-” he tried to grab my arm but I yanked it away.
“Done.” I repeated. I was firm. I got my words through. But I was beyond pissed. I marched out to my car and drove off listening to the loudest music with the most swear words and driving faster than what’s posted as the limits.
I was going so fast that I didn’t happen to see the semi turn right as I was speeding down the highway. I couldn’t stop, and I collided with the vehicle, causing everything to spin. There was noise everywhere until there was nothing. No sound. At least from what I could hear.
Jack’s POV
Y/N had just left, and I was pondering over what she had said to me. I hated spending time with her. The more time I spent with her, the more I felt myself become attached. I couldn’t let myself become attached. Not after what’s happened so often in the past. It always happens the same way. I put my trust in someone, I give them my all, and they throw it away like I meant nothing to them. Like we were nothing.
My thoughts were interrupted by my phone ringing. I thought it was Y/N calling again, maybe to yell at me, maybe to apologize, but I checked caller I.D. just in case. It surprised me to find a random number.
“Hello?” I said into the phone after I pushed accept.
“Hello, do you know someone named Y/N?” the voice said into the phone. It sounded frantic.
“Yes, who’s this?”
“We found you in Y/N’s recent contacts, you might want to get down to the hospital. Your friend’s been hurt pretty badly.”
I dropped the phone. Y/N? Hurt? That can’t fucking happen. I get in my car and drive there as fast as I could without getting pulled over. When I arrived, I rushed to the front desk. They told me she was put in ICU (the intensive care unit) and I was not to see her until she was either on her way to recover or she was gone.
Tears threatened to pour from my eyes as I immediately started to regret how I treated her this morning. Maybe if I listened to her, maybe if I didn’t blow her off, this wouldn’t have happened. All that was left to do now was to worry.
She didn’t make it. The doctor didn’t come rushing out of the doors like they had so many times in movies. This wasn’t a movie. This didn’t have a happy ending. This had no resolution. Y/N was gone. And it was all my fault.
I was told that there were five stages to loss and grief. There was denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In a way I was in denial and isolation even before she died. I denied her love for me, I isolated myself so that no one could get close to me, so that I couldn’t get hurt. That ended up hurting the most. I isolated myself from her, I got her killed.
I regret everything. I regret not telling her about my paranoia of her leaving, or me not loving her or holding her in my arms. I regretted not showering with her, feeling her warm presence in my arms. She was gone now, and all I have left of her are distant memories.
When I was told what happened, I lashed out at the driver, but Y/N was 100% at fault. She drove while irrational. She was reckless. I blamed this on everyone. Including myself.
I was the most angry at me for not doing anything, for not going after her. I didn’t listen to her when she talked to me, I didn’t hear her when she told me she loved me. I refused to accept that I was the only one she had eyes for. It was all my fault.
And then I thought what if I didn’t treat her like shit and cause that to happen? What if I cuddled her after sex and made her feel like she was special to me. She is. She was. I was terrified of getting close, I didn’t want my heart to break on me. So I pushed her away. What would have happened if I didn’t push her away? What if that semi didn’t turn that corner, what if he stopped to grab a bite to eat before returning to work?
The what ifs burned in my head. It was my fault. I didn’t love her enough. I didn’t make her feel like she was worth anything. I made her feel worthless and in the end, that’s how she turned out. She ended up ceasing to exist on this planet because of my dumb fucking paranoia. Because of my refusal to let anyone close, she was gone. And it was my fault.
I don’t think I’ll reach the acceptance stage any time soon. I’m still dealing with the depression. I keep waiting for her to be sitting on my bed, wearing one of my button up the front shirts she always liked to steal. But I don’t get out of bed. I don’t move. I killed the one person who ever loved me with my selfish desires to be safe.
I’ve stopped smiling and I’ve stopped hugging and I’ve stopped trying to live. I’m dying to live, but I can’t. Until I accept that she’s gone, I’ll remain in this sluggish state. I wish for her to return every time that fucking clock strikes 11:11. Every time I find a penny face up, I wish for her to be right alongside me, giggling her adorable laugh, telling me that rhyme. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I wish she was there telling me how much she loved me.
But no one will love me. Not until I accept that she’s gone. And not until I’ve learned to accept that with love, heart break is inevitable.
It’s hard being in a relationship with someone who’s holding back. I can physically feel Jack holding back on what we are. When we kiss, it’s timid, and not passionate. When we have sex, his eyes look like they would rather be focused on someone hotter. I don’t know why I don’t feel loved by him. Something felt like he was holding back, and I was determined to find out what.
After hours of waiting for him to text me, I finally just decided to go to his house. We were supposed to meet today, but Jack often blows me off, claiming that he either forgot or that something came up and he wouldn’t be bothered to text me.
It hurts to know that you’re giving your all in a relationship with someone who won’t try even remotely hard for you. I don’t know what he’s afraid of, but I’ve been with him this long, and the fact that he won’t see that I’m still not going to leave isn’t going to help matters any.
Driving to Jack’s was faster than I wanted it to be. When I got there, his car was there. He probably didn’t even bother to get out of bed. Why am I trying so hard for someone that won’t even give me the time of day?
I don’t bother to ring the bell or knock; he wouldn’t come down anyway. So I barge into his home unannounced. “Jack?” I call out. He’s either in one of two places. Either in his room asleep or watching TV. “Jack, where the fuck are you, this isn’t funny.”
“I never said it was,” I heard his voice coming from the couch, and when I wandered over to see where he was, he was already dressed, just playing on his phone. Obviously ignoring my frantic texts. Asshole.
“What the fuck, I thought we were going to do something. Didn’t you see my fucking texts?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And you decided to ignore them? That’s fucked up. If you didn’t want to be with me today, you could have just said it.”
“What purpose would that bring?” His tone was bored. Why do I even bother with this prick.
“Do you even care about me? Like at all?”
“Of course I do, you’re my girlfriend.”
“Oh really? Because I don’t feel like your girlfriend. Be honest with me Jack, am I just a fuck for you? A stress reliever? Because when we agreed on this relationship, we both agreed to go in all the way.”
“These aren’t wedding vows, chill your shit.” Jack’s tone was pissing me off more than usual. It was like our time together meant nothing to him.
“Do you even love me?” I stood in front of him so he had to look at me. He stood up and when he walked closer, I walked back. I was determined to keep a distance between us. To be honest, fights like these always happened. But Jack ended up saying sweet stupid things and I always forgave him. Until he pulled the exact same bullshit again. It was like I was stuck in a perpetual deja vu zone, and there was no way to even maneuver out of it.
“What kind of question is that?” he spat, his voice low. I could tell it wasn’t of affection. Why did he keep me around if he doesn’t even love me.
“A valid one.” I crossed my arms in defiance. “It seems like to me that my feelings mean nothing to you, and you wouldn’t even care if I fell off the face of the planet.”
“Of course I would care, you’re my girlfriend.”
I shook my head. I’m not letting this bastard get away with it again. “Don’t pull that shit with me, Jack. Not today. You don’t answer any of my texts or calls. You’re on your phone and you blatantly ignore me. Do I mean anything to you?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. He avoided my gaze. I don’t believe him. So I told him.
“I don’t believe you.”
“What the fuck, why not?” Jack’s attention was on me, but it was negative. I guess some was better than none at all.
“Because you don’t show it. I could die right now and I doubt you’d even mourn.”
“Don’t say shit like that, Y/N.”
“Why? It’s fucking true. You care so little for my feelings why should I even consider spending more time with you if all you’re going to do is waste it.”
I could tell my words were finally going through to him, because his dark chocolate eyes were now softening. Good. Let your defense down so I can destroy you from the inside like you did to me. Of course, that was the last thing I wanted to do, but it felt nice for him to feel for once. That I wasn’t the only one getting hurt.
“You know what? Fuck this, I’m done. Once you can pay some obvious attention to me that I deserve, maybe we can be together. But until then, we’re through Jack. I’m tired of trying and getting nothing in return.”
“Y/N, wait-” he tried to grab my arm but I yanked it away.
“Done.” I repeated. I was firm. I got my words through. But I was beyond pissed. I marched out to my car and drove off listening to the loudest music with the most swear words and driving faster than what’s posted as the limits.
I was going so fast that I didn’t happen to see the semi turn right as I was speeding down the highway. I couldn’t stop, and I collided with the vehicle, causing everything to spin. There was noise everywhere until there was nothing. No sound. At least from what I could hear.
Jack’s POV
Y/N had just left, and I was pondering over what she had said to me. I hated spending time with her. The more time I spent with her, the more I felt myself become attached. I couldn’t let myself become attached. Not after what’s happened so often in the past. It always happens the same way. I put my trust in someone, I give them my all, and they throw it away like I meant nothing to them. Like we were nothing.
My thoughts were interrupted by my phone ringing. I thought it was Y/N calling again, maybe to yell at me, maybe to apologize, but I checked caller I.D. just in case. It surprised me to find a random number.
“Hello?” I said into the phone after I pushed accept.
“Hello, do you know someone named Y/N?” the voice said into the phone. It sounded frantic.
“Yes, who’s this?”
“We found you in Y/N’s recent contacts, you might want to get down to the hospital. Your friend’s been hurt pretty badly.”
I dropped the phone. Y/N? Hurt? That can’t fucking happen. I get in my car and drive there as fast as I could without getting pulled over. When I arrived, I rushed to the front desk. They told me she was put in ICU (the intensive care unit) and I was not to see her until she was either on her way to recover or she was gone.
Tears threatened to pour from my eyes as I immediately started to regret how I treated her this morning. Maybe if I listened to her, maybe if I didn’t blow her off, this wouldn’t have happened. All that was left to do now was to worry.
She didn’t make it. The doctor didn’t come rushing out of the doors like they had so many times in movies. This wasn’t a movie. This didn’t have a happy ending. This had no resolution. Y/N was gone. And it was all my fault.
I was told that there were five stages to loss and grief. There was denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In a way I was in denial and isolation even before she died. I denied her love for me, I isolated myself so that no one could get close to me, so that I couldn’t get hurt. That ended up hurting the most. I isolated myself from her, I got her killed.
I regret everything. I regret not telling her about my paranoia of her leaving, or me not loving her or holding her in my arms. I regretted not showering with her, feeling her warm presence in my arms. She was gone now, and all I have left of her are distant memories.
When I was told what happened, I lashed out at the driver, but Y/N was 100% at fault. She drove while irrational. She was reckless. I blamed this on everyone. Including myself.
I was the most angry at me for not doing anything, for not going after her. I didn’t listen to her when she talked to me, I didn’t hear her when she told me she loved me. I refused to accept that I was the only one she had eyes for. It was all my fault.
And then I thought what if I didn’t treat her like shit and cause that to happen? What if I cuddled her after sex and made her feel like she was special to me. She is. She was. I was terrified of getting close, I didn’t want my heart to break on me. So I pushed her away. What would have happened if I didn’t push her away? What if that semi didn’t turn that corner, what if he stopped to grab a bite to eat before returning to work?
The what ifs burned in my head. It was my fault. I didn’t love her enough. I didn’t make her feel like she was worth anything. I made her feel worthless and in the end, that’s how she turned out. She ended up ceasing to exist on this planet because of my dumb fucking paranoia. Because of my refusal to let anyone close, she was gone. And it was my fault.
I don’t think I’ll reach the acceptance stage any time soon. I’m still dealing with the depression. I keep waiting for her to be sitting on my bed, wearing one of my button up the front shirts she always liked to steal. But I don’t get out of bed. I don’t move. I killed the one person who ever loved me with my selfish desires to be safe.
I’ve stopped smiling and I’ve stopped hugging and I’ve stopped trying to live. I’m dying to live, but I can’t. Until I accept that she’s gone, I’ll remain in this sluggish state. I wish for her to return every time that fucking clock strikes 11:11. Every time I find a penny face up, I wish for her to be right alongside me, giggling her adorable laugh, telling me that rhyme. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I wish she was there telling me how much she loved me.
But no one will love me. Not until I accept that she’s gone. And not until I’ve learned to accept that with love, heart break is inevitable.
@SecretsDontMakeFriends
RIGHT SOMEONE POINTED THAT OUT ON MY WATTPAD VERSION AND I WAS LIKE ???? how did i do that I'm magical
9/19/16