Jack Barakat Imagines
I Fucked This Up Again
Warning: suicide/self harm mention
Your POV
I looked at myself in the mirror. “Ew,” I spat at my reflection. I can’t fucking take it one second in my godforsaken body. I can’t. I hate it. I want something else.
There was only one thing I knew that could even keep me wanting to be here, and that was Jack. Jack was my boyfriend. Well, he is, but I don’t think he will be for long. Not after this. I hated every ounce of my being. I truly did not want to be here. Jack tries to tell me I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m not. I feel ugly, and I feel like everything I touch goes wrong. Somehow I still have Jack. Somehow he still wants me.
Not for long. I gazed over at my shower. Would I want it to be in there? Where would it be? I’ve often fantasized about my own suicide. I know that sounds weird, but it was something I thought about often. I wanted to take pills, but one: I don’t have any. Two: that death is just way too much. If you look up how it actually happens, it’s gruesome. I don’t think that’s how I want to go. I want something quick. The only thing that’s as quick as I want is a gun. But knowing me, I’d fail at that too.
Such a fucking failure that I probably wouldn’t even be able to kill myself right. There was nothing I wanted in this body. Nothing was going right. I either ate too much or too little. I either cried too much or not at all. I either dressed too casual or tried to hard. I do nothing right.
Except keep Jack in my life. My mind always wandered back to Jack. Every time I thought about it, Jack made his way into my thoughts. Here I am, ready to fucking die, and all I can think about is what would happen if he was the one who found me. I don’t know what I would do. The only thing I can think of to even be able to leave him would be that I’d be doing this for his own good.
No one wants to hear me wallow in my own self pity. No one wants to hear me talk shit about myself. No one wants to pick up the pieces. Except Jack. Why him? Why does he care so much about me? He shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t. One of these days my suicide could actually happen, and all that would result would be a broken heart. I couldn’t stand to see him broken hearted.
Since I don’t know what happens after death, I could very well end up as a ghost. I would end up watching his whole mourning process. I’d watch him get over me slowly but surely. I’d watch the one thing I don’t want to happen the most, and that’s watch him move on to someone else.
So what can I do? I’m currently sitting in the middle of my bathroom floor, my razors spilled out and sprawled across it. Tears are streaming down my face and I can’t decide whether or not the time is right to just cross over. Where would I even go anyway? Knowing me, I won’t fit in with all the people in Heaven, and I can’t go to Hell. Haven’t won any wars so I can’t go to Olympus with Zeus. Where can I go? The only answer is Purgatory. The only known one anyway. What if I become nothing? Maybe that’s what I want then. To become nothing.
I grab a rather large razor and bring it to myself. I feel the cool blade on my skin and wonder if this is the last time I’ll ever feel again. I don’t know what to do. Do I die? Do I try to die? How long does it take to bleed out? How hard do I have to cut? I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
It’s for the best for Jack. He doesn’t need me. He’ll be okay, he’ll find someone else. He’s fine without me. I won’t be okay without him, but if I die, I think I’ll be okay. I’ll be dead, so maybe I won’t feel anything?
I bring the cool metal up to my skin, when I hear footsteps come up the stairs. My face is still hot with tears, and if I want to do it, now is the time. Do it, just bring it to your skin, it’ll be over fast.
“Y/N?” I hear Jack’s voice say from behind the door. Shit. Jack’s here. If I want to do it, now’s the time, just fucking do it.
“Y/N?” He says again and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be here, but I’m going to be saved if I do it now. What can I say? I fucked this up again.
“Go away, Jack,” I say with shaky breaths.
“Y/N, are you okay?” His voice sounds panicked, and I know I can’t do it. Not now. I just can’t, I fucking can’t.
“Don’t come in,” I tell him. It’s a stupid thing to say, and I realize immediately because he can come in. I didn’t lock the door. I didn’t expect to have this kind of attack and end up here. I didn’t want this to happen.
He comes in, just like I thought he would. When he notices my shit on the floor, his eyes grow wide. “Were you just about to..” he starts, and I know what he’s going to say.
I still have these tears falling in my lap, and I nod my head. I fucked up, he’s going to leave me for sure.
“Oh, Y/N.” He falls to his knees, and I look up at his face. If hearts made a sound when they broke, his was deafening. I didn’t know what to do, so I looked away. “This is why you wouldn’t answer any of my calls..” He mumbles to himself.
I stare down at my lap, ashamed that he’s seen me like this. I didn’t hide from him the fact that I get like this, but he has never seen it first hand. I guess I can cross that off. I don’t want him to leave me, but at the same time I do. Then nothing would be holding me back.
“Y/N, please.” His voice starts to shake, and my lip is quivering. I can’t face him, I can’t look at him. “Come here,” he whispers.
I do, and I scoot closer. We’re both now on the floor of my bathroom, just hugging. He has me in his arms. I’m not shaking, but crying silently. Tears just fall, and I can’t stop them. I didn’t want to have an attack like this. I was okay. I thought I was okay.
“I’m so sorry Jack, I’m so sorry,” I finally say after a while. “I didn’t do anything, I swear I didn’t.”
He shushed me, and pet my hair. He usually did that to calm me down. It works a lot of the time. “It’s okay, Y/N, everything’s going to be okay. I’m here now, I’m not going anywhere.”
“You don’t understand, Jack. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be this sad. I want to be happy. I know how to be happy with you, but I don’t know how to be happy with me. I don’t know how to be happy with the rest of life.” My voice is wavering, and I don’t know how I’m able to get this all out to him, but I am.
“You don’t need to worry about that now, Y/N. I’m here, that’s all you need to focus on. Focus on my voice, focus on your breathing. You’re here, I’m here. We’re here together.”
I tried to steady my breaths, but it wasn’t calming down. He hasn’t yelled at me. Does he want to stay? I don’t know, though I’m not sure I want to find out. “Do you hate me?” I ask him quietly.
“I could never hate you,” he whispers into my hair. He pulls away from our hug, and looks at me in the eyes. I’m having trouble meeting his gaze, but I try anyway. “I could never hate my little sunshine.” He touches my nose lightly with his finger, and I can’t help it, my face breaks into a smile. I’m able to manage a tear stained smile with Jack. He always does this, and I don’t know how. It’s almost like magic.
“I’m sorry Jack, I’m so sorry for everything.” I tore my gaze away again.
“Y/N, I want you to listen to me. Never for a second apologize for having feelings. You can’t control them. Believe me, I’ve tried. You can’t control how you feel. Sometimes you need to let yourself be sad. Also you need to let yourself be happy. Know you can’t change it or force it. It’s how you feel. I can’t stop myself from loving you, just like you can’t stop yourself from being sad. But there are better ways that you can cope with it.”
“Like how?” I ask him quietly, meeting his eyes again. His chocolate ones are a little shiny from his tears he spilled earlier, but they’re full of love. Real love. Love that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
“Like me, whenever you get sad just come see me, and I’ll hug and kiss the sadness right out of you. We could do so many things to get your mind off it. We could go sledding, we could have a pillow fort, we could see the world. I could take you on tour and we could go to all your favorite places. I’m willing to do anything with you and for you. I love you.”
I smile and nod my head. It’s a small smile, but it’s genuine. “I love you too,” I whisper to him. He smiles at me, and gets up to his feet. He holds out his hand and waits for me to take it. I do, and he pulls me off the floor.
“You’re sure as hell too good to let you hold yourself down, okay?” I nod and wrap my arms around him. He can always take my bad thoughts away. He can always help me, whether or not I ask for it.
He lets go of me, and bends down to pick up the mess I made on the floor. I didn’t make any cuts this time, so there wasn’t any blood, but there were things. Things that I threw, things that I knocked off, and things that I spilled. He cleans it up, and takes my hand to walk me out. The house that I’m in is suffocating me with all the warm air. I know that Jack doesn’t know where he’s going, so I lead him outside.
I hadn’t decided where to go though, so we just kind of stayed in the middle of the lawn, holding each other. It’s nighttime, and the sky is dark, but the porch light is on, and I look up towards it.
Jack looks over to where I am, and smiles to himself. He gazes back at me, and kisses my cheek. “Y/N, it’s snowing.”
I smiled. Snow was my favorite thing. I tore my eyes away from the light, and looked back at Jack. Flakes were already starting to fall on his hair, and I giggled the tiniest giggle. “Yeah. It is.”
He grins, and leans down to give me a slow kiss. A kiss in the moonlight and under the snow. A kiss to tell me that he’s here for me. A kiss to let me know, I’m not alone.
Your POV
I looked at myself in the mirror. “Ew,” I spat at my reflection. I can’t fucking take it one second in my godforsaken body. I can’t. I hate it. I want something else.
There was only one thing I knew that could even keep me wanting to be here, and that was Jack. Jack was my boyfriend. Well, he is, but I don’t think he will be for long. Not after this. I hated every ounce of my being. I truly did not want to be here. Jack tries to tell me I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m not. I feel ugly, and I feel like everything I touch goes wrong. Somehow I still have Jack. Somehow he still wants me.
Not for long. I gazed over at my shower. Would I want it to be in there? Where would it be? I’ve often fantasized about my own suicide. I know that sounds weird, but it was something I thought about often. I wanted to take pills, but one: I don’t have any. Two: that death is just way too much. If you look up how it actually happens, it’s gruesome. I don’t think that’s how I want to go. I want something quick. The only thing that’s as quick as I want is a gun. But knowing me, I’d fail at that too.
Such a fucking failure that I probably wouldn’t even be able to kill myself right. There was nothing I wanted in this body. Nothing was going right. I either ate too much or too little. I either cried too much or not at all. I either dressed too casual or tried to hard. I do nothing right.
Except keep Jack in my life. My mind always wandered back to Jack. Every time I thought about it, Jack made his way into my thoughts. Here I am, ready to fucking die, and all I can think about is what would happen if he was the one who found me. I don’t know what I would do. The only thing I can think of to even be able to leave him would be that I’d be doing this for his own good.
No one wants to hear me wallow in my own self pity. No one wants to hear me talk shit about myself. No one wants to pick up the pieces. Except Jack. Why him? Why does he care so much about me? He shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t. One of these days my suicide could actually happen, and all that would result would be a broken heart. I couldn’t stand to see him broken hearted.
Since I don’t know what happens after death, I could very well end up as a ghost. I would end up watching his whole mourning process. I’d watch him get over me slowly but surely. I’d watch the one thing I don’t want to happen the most, and that’s watch him move on to someone else.
So what can I do? I’m currently sitting in the middle of my bathroom floor, my razors spilled out and sprawled across it. Tears are streaming down my face and I can’t decide whether or not the time is right to just cross over. Where would I even go anyway? Knowing me, I won’t fit in with all the people in Heaven, and I can’t go to Hell. Haven’t won any wars so I can’t go to Olympus with Zeus. Where can I go? The only answer is Purgatory. The only known one anyway. What if I become nothing? Maybe that’s what I want then. To become nothing.
I grab a rather large razor and bring it to myself. I feel the cool blade on my skin and wonder if this is the last time I’ll ever feel again. I don’t know what to do. Do I die? Do I try to die? How long does it take to bleed out? How hard do I have to cut? I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
It’s for the best for Jack. He doesn’t need me. He’ll be okay, he’ll find someone else. He’s fine without me. I won’t be okay without him, but if I die, I think I’ll be okay. I’ll be dead, so maybe I won’t feel anything?
I bring the cool metal up to my skin, when I hear footsteps come up the stairs. My face is still hot with tears, and if I want to do it, now is the time. Do it, just bring it to your skin, it’ll be over fast.
“Y/N?” I hear Jack’s voice say from behind the door. Shit. Jack’s here. If I want to do it, now’s the time, just fucking do it.
“Y/N?” He says again and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be here, but I’m going to be saved if I do it now. What can I say? I fucked this up again.
“Go away, Jack,” I say with shaky breaths.
“Y/N, are you okay?” His voice sounds panicked, and I know I can’t do it. Not now. I just can’t, I fucking can’t.
“Don’t come in,” I tell him. It’s a stupid thing to say, and I realize immediately because he can come in. I didn’t lock the door. I didn’t expect to have this kind of attack and end up here. I didn’t want this to happen.
He comes in, just like I thought he would. When he notices my shit on the floor, his eyes grow wide. “Were you just about to..” he starts, and I know what he’s going to say.
I still have these tears falling in my lap, and I nod my head. I fucked up, he’s going to leave me for sure.
“Oh, Y/N.” He falls to his knees, and I look up at his face. If hearts made a sound when they broke, his was deafening. I didn’t know what to do, so I looked away. “This is why you wouldn’t answer any of my calls..” He mumbles to himself.
I stare down at my lap, ashamed that he’s seen me like this. I didn’t hide from him the fact that I get like this, but he has never seen it first hand. I guess I can cross that off. I don’t want him to leave me, but at the same time I do. Then nothing would be holding me back.
“Y/N, please.” His voice starts to shake, and my lip is quivering. I can’t face him, I can’t look at him. “Come here,” he whispers.
I do, and I scoot closer. We’re both now on the floor of my bathroom, just hugging. He has me in his arms. I’m not shaking, but crying silently. Tears just fall, and I can’t stop them. I didn’t want to have an attack like this. I was okay. I thought I was okay.
“I’m so sorry Jack, I’m so sorry,” I finally say after a while. “I didn’t do anything, I swear I didn’t.”
He shushed me, and pet my hair. He usually did that to calm me down. It works a lot of the time. “It’s okay, Y/N, everything’s going to be okay. I’m here now, I’m not going anywhere.”
“You don’t understand, Jack. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be this sad. I want to be happy. I know how to be happy with you, but I don’t know how to be happy with me. I don’t know how to be happy with the rest of life.” My voice is wavering, and I don’t know how I’m able to get this all out to him, but I am.
“You don’t need to worry about that now, Y/N. I’m here, that’s all you need to focus on. Focus on my voice, focus on your breathing. You’re here, I’m here. We’re here together.”
I tried to steady my breaths, but it wasn’t calming down. He hasn’t yelled at me. Does he want to stay? I don’t know, though I’m not sure I want to find out. “Do you hate me?” I ask him quietly.
“I could never hate you,” he whispers into my hair. He pulls away from our hug, and looks at me in the eyes. I’m having trouble meeting his gaze, but I try anyway. “I could never hate my little sunshine.” He touches my nose lightly with his finger, and I can’t help it, my face breaks into a smile. I’m able to manage a tear stained smile with Jack. He always does this, and I don’t know how. It’s almost like magic.
“I’m sorry Jack, I’m so sorry for everything.” I tore my gaze away again.
“Y/N, I want you to listen to me. Never for a second apologize for having feelings. You can’t control them. Believe me, I’ve tried. You can’t control how you feel. Sometimes you need to let yourself be sad. Also you need to let yourself be happy. Know you can’t change it or force it. It’s how you feel. I can’t stop myself from loving you, just like you can’t stop yourself from being sad. But there are better ways that you can cope with it.”
“Like how?” I ask him quietly, meeting his eyes again. His chocolate ones are a little shiny from his tears he spilled earlier, but they’re full of love. Real love. Love that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
“Like me, whenever you get sad just come see me, and I’ll hug and kiss the sadness right out of you. We could do so many things to get your mind off it. We could go sledding, we could have a pillow fort, we could see the world. I could take you on tour and we could go to all your favorite places. I’m willing to do anything with you and for you. I love you.”
I smile and nod my head. It’s a small smile, but it’s genuine. “I love you too,” I whisper to him. He smiles at me, and gets up to his feet. He holds out his hand and waits for me to take it. I do, and he pulls me off the floor.
“You’re sure as hell too good to let you hold yourself down, okay?” I nod and wrap my arms around him. He can always take my bad thoughts away. He can always help me, whether or not I ask for it.
He lets go of me, and bends down to pick up the mess I made on the floor. I didn’t make any cuts this time, so there wasn’t any blood, but there were things. Things that I threw, things that I knocked off, and things that I spilled. He cleans it up, and takes my hand to walk me out. The house that I’m in is suffocating me with all the warm air. I know that Jack doesn’t know where he’s going, so I lead him outside.
I hadn’t decided where to go though, so we just kind of stayed in the middle of the lawn, holding each other. It’s nighttime, and the sky is dark, but the porch light is on, and I look up towards it.
Jack looks over to where I am, and smiles to himself. He gazes back at me, and kisses my cheek. “Y/N, it’s snowing.”
I smiled. Snow was my favorite thing. I tore my eyes away from the light, and looked back at Jack. Flakes were already starting to fall on his hair, and I giggled the tiniest giggle. “Yeah. It is.”
He grins, and leans down to give me a slow kiss. A kiss in the moonlight and under the snow. A kiss to tell me that he’s here for me. A kiss to let me know, I’m not alone.
@SecretsDontMakeFriends
RIGHT SOMEONE POINTED THAT OUT ON MY WATTPAD VERSION AND I WAS LIKE ???? how did i do that I'm magical
9/19/16