Flashback to Kat at the age of 16.

“Katherine darling, go get the rest of the family. It’s time for dinner.” My mom tells me as I set the last plate on the table. She curls one of her blonde locks behind her ear and looks at me with her large blue eyes. “Your father should be in his study.”

“Yes ma’am.” I smile at her and turn towards the hallway.

I stop at the first door on the right, knocking slightly before I enter. My eldest sister, Samantha, is perched on her king sized bed that’s buried in the corner of her room. Her dark purple walls reflect the sunlight that comes cascading from her enormous windows. She brushes her dark brown hair, a trait she picked up from my father. Her hazel eyes flicker towards me.

“Do you ever wonder what it’s like to die?” She asks me quietly.

“Samantha, I’m not in the mood for your insanity.” I roll my eyes. “It’s time for dinner. Please don’t do anything weird at the table.”

“I think about it quite often.” She says, ignoring me. “I think drowning would be quite peaceful. The water would just pull you down, into a nice warm hug. Close your eyes, as you drift off into the abyss…” Her voice trails off and she stops brushing her hair. Samantha stares at a spot on her wall, going into her own little world.

I walk in front of her and it’s as if she is looking right through me. I get down to eye level with her and grab the sides of her face. “Samantha.” I start slowly. “It is time for dinner. Mom, Dad, and Allister will all be there. I will sit next to you. Meet us at the table, okay?”

“Mother…father…Al…” Her voice trails off as she snaps back into reality. “I’ll see you at the table.” She smiles softly and flutters out of the room.

I let out a long sigh and sit on the floor for a moment. I’m not sure what changed with Samantha. Maybe it was when her pet tarantula Eddie died, or maybe it was when she switched schools. I think when Allister changed, she realized she could be whoever she wanted. She used to be such a bubbly and bright person. Now she’s an 18 year old girl who communicates with the passed for fun. She mainly dresses in long black skirts with some sort of morbid shirt on. I always suspect she does acid, or mushrooms. Sometimes, things she says make absolutely no sense. Her mind is so incredibly vivid.

Our family used to be the picture perfect family. We all supported and loved each other, no matter what. The first to break this cycle was the eldest of the children, 20 year old Allister. At the time, he was 16. Al found himself hanging out with the wrong crowd, staying out at parties, bridge jumping, thrill seeking activities. He would wait for my parents to sleep and sneak out. I would look out my window every night and watch as a car pulled up and pick Allister up. I would wait, every single night, to make sure he came home safe. I would listen to my music, paint pictures, write poems, whatever I could to distract me from the clock. I found myself as a 12 year old being the protector of my brother. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I didn’t want him to get in trouble. He never knew that I waited for him until one night.

Allister always came home at around 3:30-4. It is now 4:52 and he still isn’t home. I pace my bedroom floor, unsure of what to do. Finally, I decide to throw on my slippers and tiptoe down the hallway to Samantha’s room. I open the door quietly and pad across the floor to her bed. Gently, I shake her awake.

“Dammit Kat, it’s almost 5 in the morning.” She groans looking at her nightstands clock. “What do you want?”

“Allister isn’t home.” I squeak. “He always comes home by 4.”

“What do you mean by 4? He sneaks out?” She sits up quickly.

“Don’t tell mom and dad.” I whimper. “Just help me please.”

Samantha nods and pulls herself out of bed. She digs around her closet and pulls out a pair of flip flops, jean shorts, and white v-neck shirt.

“Go get dressed.” She tells me. “You don’t want people worrying why you are out.”

I nod and return to my room, slipping on a purple t-shirt and jean shorts. I grab a pair of sneakers and go back to my sister’s room where she sits on her bed waiting for me. I nod at her and we make our way down the hallway quietly. I follow closely behind her as we cascade down the stairs. On our way out the door, she grabs our parents car keys. We walk outside and hop in the Nissan.

“Thank god dad uses the garage for his collectors. Try sneaking out with that loud ass door.” Samantha giggles as she starts the car.

“Sammy. Do you know how to drive?” I ask cautiously.

“No. But the way I see it, we don’t have a choice. I called Al while you were getting dressed and he told me where he was. It’s too far to walk, but not too far. His friends left him there and he doesn’t know his way home.” She sighs. “Let’s do this.”

She throws the key half on and puts the car in reverse. We roll out of the driveway silently and she starts the car once we are on the road. Sammy drives slowly at first, getting the hang of it. After a couple of stop signs, she has the driving down pretty well. Within 10 minutes, we pull up to a house that has music blaring out of it. She parks in the lawn and turns it off.

“Stay in the car.” She orders as she climbs out and locks the doors.

I wait and wait, watching drunken kids stumble out of the house. One girl doubles over and hurls all over the lawn. After what feels like an eternity, my sister comes with my brothers arm draped over her shoulder. His walking is staggered as he approaches the car. He throws himself in the backseat and laughs.

“You’re fucking awesome Katherine.” He laughs. “Thanks for grabbing me Sammy.”

Sammy rolls her eyes and pulls out of the house. Within seconds, the car reeks of booze and some other substance. Sammy picks up on it to and glances at him in the rearview mirror.

“Have you been smoking pot?” She asks, astounded.

“You want some?” He grins, pulling a baggie of green nuggets and papers from his pocket. “I have a couple of joints rolled up already.”

Sammy rolls her eyes but smiles at him. We ride with the windows down the rest of the way, pulling up to the house just as the sun threatens to rise.

“Go back to bed.” Sammy ruffles my hair. “You did a good thing tonight rugrat. I’m going to talk to Allister out here.”

“Night Kittykat.” Al grins at me pulling me into a hug. “You’re the best.”

I walk back into the house, but turn around just as I go to the door. I see a flame between the two of them and watch as white smoke flows out from Sammy’s lips. I frown, upset I’m not able to be part of this. I was the hero of the night, why couldn’t I be part of it?

I storm over to them. “Why do I have to go to bed? You two don’t. I want to do what you are doing.”

“Katherine, you’re 12. You are way too young to be even thinking about this.” Sammy snaps.

“Hold on.” Allister stops her. “Let her try it. Here ya go Kitkat.”

He hands me the white joint that has already been lit. I bring it to my lips and suck, bringing the smoke deep into my lungs. I pull it away from my lips and began coughing.

“This tastes like dirt.” I cough. “Why would anyone want to try this?”

They laugh and a look of relief washes over Sammy’s face. I hand it back to them and run back to my room, sputtering the whole way.

No one ever knew. My parents never found out my brother snuck out. He’s 20 now, so it’s considered going out, not sneaking. But he continued to sneak. As a matter of fact, the very next day after we picked up Allister, he got his license and my parents bought him a car. I was able to sleep at night now, knowing he was safe.

I pick myself off of Samantha’s floor and make my way to Allister’s room. I knock on it loudly, although I am almost positive he can’t hear me over the blaring metal music. His door is cluttered with signs that read, “KEEP OUT” “TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED” and some other threatening signs. I throw open the door anyway and see him facing away from me, sitting at his desk. He’s on his laptop, smoking a cigarette. His long, blonde hair is disheveled and his muscular arms twitch every time he takes a drag. I walk up to him and tap him on the shoulder. Allister practically jumps out of his skin at the sight of me.

“Christ. You scared me.” He shouts.

“Sorry Al.” I apologize. “Dinner is ready.”

“Alright Kittykat. I’ll meet you downstairs.” He grins my way.

I waltz out of his filthy room. All of his walls are black, and so is the carpet. An empty pizza box lies under a pile of crushed up beer cans. A bong sits on his bookshelf and cigarette cartons are in place of where books should be. I walk out as quickly as I can and head towards the last stop: My dad’s study.

I walk through the hallway to the very end where my dad’s study is. He spends most of his time back here during the day and all through the evening. My father enjoys his evenings alone, with a cup of scotch, sitting in his black leather loveseat watching old black and white films. We all eat dinner together as a family every single night. I approach the large, oak door and knock fairly loudly.

“Father?” I call. No response.

“Dad?” I try again. Still no response.

I slowly turn the nob and open the door. I rarely enter his study. As a matter of fact, none of us enter. He tells us to stay away from it. I suppose it’s his private room. I tried getting his attention from outside of the door, but he didn’t listen so he’ll understand if I come in. Right?

Everything is dark in the study. All of a sudden, I hear my dad.

“So what do you want to do? Yeah? Well I think we should try going to the Hilton this time. It’s much more classy. I’ll tell my family that I have a business retreat or something. We can have the whole weekend to ourselves.” He chuckles.

My jaw drops and I slip back out of the room. I shut the door quietly and stand still. Did I seriously just hear my dad on the phone with some girl? Is he fucking cheating on my mom? My heart races and my fingers shake as I call his phone. He answers on the first ring.

“Yeah hon?” He answers quickly.

“Dinner’s ready.” I murmur and hang up.

I shuffle quickly to the dinner table, silent. Samantha is staring at the baked chicken with a plate of mashed potatoes in hand.

“She was going to do great things.” Samantha whispers. “Have chicks, raise a family, produce many eggs.” She strokes it slowly.

“Stop it.” My mom slaps her hand away. “The chicken is dead, and now we will eat it.”

I giggle and look at Alister who looks like he’s about to lose it as well. I walk past him and he whispers, “Great things, Kitty. Great things.”

I burst out laughing and Al does the same. We double over laughing harder than we’ve laughed in a while. My mother shoots daggers at us, although I can see she wants to laugh too.

“Fuck you all.” Samantha growls. “Heartless bastards.”

“Sammy! Watch your mouth.” My mom snaps.

“DON’T EVER call me that. My name is Samantha.” She snaps back.

“I swear I will never understand you. You used to love being called Sammy. You used to be happy all the time.” My mother sighs.

“I am happy. Just not the happy you want to see.” She replies simply and takes a seat at the table.

The three of us load our plates up with food and sit waiting at the table for my father to arrive. He comes speed walking in with a tight smile on his face.

“Sorry family, I was talking with someone on the phone. Looks like I’m going to have a business trip this weekend.” He sighs as he piles food onto his plate.

“Didn’t you have one just the other weekend?” My mom kisses his cheek gently as he takes his seat at the head of the table.

“Yes but we are branching out, trying to promote new aspects of the company. I should be back by Sunday evening though, don’t worry.” He smiles before stuffing his face with mashed potatoes.

“What hotel are you staying at?” I ask, glaring at him slightly.

“The Indigo.” He lies.

“Not very classy.” I smirk at him.

“No not rea-“ He stops himself and glances at me, eyebrows furrowed.

I stare at him, not saying a word. He grabs his plate. “I think I’m going to take my dinner to the study.”

“Oh, well okay sweetie. I’ll see you later on tonight.” My mom replies as he kisses the top of her head and scurries off to his study.

Dinner continues on, quietly and quickly. I help mom clean the table and hurry off to my bedroom where I will spend the rest of my night. On my bed, there is a note.

Meet me in my study. –Dad

I roll my eyes and make my way down to his study. I don’t knock this time, rather, walk in without warning. He is sitting on his loveseat with a glass of scotch in his hand, staring at the black and white film playing on his television.

“You need me?” I ask, folding my arms over my chest.

“What can I do to shut you up?” He asks without turning around.

“You can not go. Stay home with mom, take her out to dinner, take her to a hotel.” I roll my eyes.

“How about we work out a little deal.” He gets up from his chair and turns my way. “I’ll give you the house, money, all of it. I’ll leave it all in the will. I will give you whatever you what, whenever you want. I’ll see her less often, but I will not stop seeing her. It’s complicated.”

“Like hell it is. You’re fucking married dad. You have a family!” I cry.

“Two families.” He mutters.

“What?”

“I have this family, and I have a family with Julia, the woman I’m seeing this weekend.” He sighs. “I had a child with Julia when I was 17. I left her shortly thereafter. She developed a drinking problem. Recently, she got sober. I ran into her at a diner and we caught up. The kid is out of the house and she wanted to show me pictures of him. I went back with her to her house and one thing led to the next…” His voice trails off. “Your mom knows I have another kid, she just doesn’t know I still talk with Julia.”

“You bastard.” Tears spill over. “You absolute bastard. Not only are you cheating on mom, but you have another family? Are you fucking kidding me? And your solution to this all is to leave me everything in the will? Why can’t you stop seeing her?” I shout.

“Keep your voice down.” He snaps. “I’m afraid if I leave her, she’ll relapse again. If she relapses, she will go downhill really fast. I don’t want her to get hurt.”

“But you don’t care if mom does.” I shake my head. “Do you hear yourself?”

“Your mom cheated on me too. It was 5 years into our marriage. I caught her sneaking out one night dressed in lingerie. She tried to tell me that it was for me. I checked her phone and she was meeting another man. She stopped right after I caught her, but it was hard for me to let go.” He stares at the floor.

“You both cheated on each other? Why don’t you just breakup for Christ’s sake? This is so unhealthy!” I cry.

“Are you blind? Do you not see how fucked up this family is already? Your sister talks to the dead and your brother just sits around and gets fucked up all day! If we divorced, how do you think they’ll take it? Plus, there’s so much we would have to split. The house, the cars, you children, all would be split. Do you really think that’s what’s best for the family?” He asks me quietly.

I stand in silence, trying to absorb this the best I can. He has a point, but holy fuck he’s in the wrong. “I won’t tell mom.” I whisper. “Just please, think about ending it for the sake of this family. The family that loves you unconditionally.”

“What do you want in return?” He asks as a look of relief washes over his face.

“Nothing. Just leave me alone.” I sputter and run out of the study.

I run back to my bedroom and shut the door quickly. I collapse onto my bed and begin to sob. Why me? Why am I the one stuck with this secret? I have no one to talk to about this. I don’t trust my friends, I can’t tell my siblings, and I’m stuck.

I reach into my bed stand and dig around until I find a metal tin box. I open it up and pull out a spliff and a lighter. When I was 12, this was the most horrid thing in the world. Now, here I am, at the age of 16 following in my brother’s footsteps. I lock my bedroom door, crack a window, and light the spliff, taking a long drag. I walk over to my record player, and set the needle down on the MGMT record. I dance around my room gracefully, letting all of my worries drown in the smoke and music.

Little did I know, as I was dancing, my father was downstairs re-writing the will. That was the day, everything became mine.

Notes

Hellooo :D Hope you enjoy! A little bit of a flashback to Kat's childhood.
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