Long Live the Reckless and the Brave

There were certain days, such as this one, where I rethink every move I've ever made in life. I question my choices, my words, my dreams. Did I do everything right? I see the world reflecting through her doe eyes, the same way they'd done in mine. The unbareable desire to just up and go, leave it all behind, no questions asked. She has the same passion that still burns in my heart, for this I fear for her, because she's not as controlled as I had been.

But how can I blame for her that? I'm gone far more than I'm home. Poor Jules is left to care for four children by herself, and it doesn't help that Stella is acting out. I try to pretend that I don't understand, but I know it's because of me. Not for the simple fact that she misses me, oh no, Stella's mind has never been so small. It all boils down to her dreams, and this town, her school, aren't a part of them.

"Daddy?" Stella walked into the room, she'd been helping her mother feed her younger sister for most of the morning. Those eyes made it obvious that she felt bad, but not so bad that she'd apologize for starting a fight. "I don't like you being mad at me, Daddy."

"I'm not mad at you baby, I'm just worried." I patted the spot next to me on the couch. "Come here."

She followed my order, taking a seat on the couch. Her brown hair fell into her eyes as she tried to avoid my gaze. I knew she wanted to be just like me, so disappointing me really took a toll on her emotions.

"Stell, have you ever thought about how hard things are on your mother? Just put yourself in her shoes. When I'm gone, she has to deal with missing me, her husband. She worries about me just as much as she does your kids. She's running around like a mad woman trying to make sure that all of you kids have what you need, that you're totally taken care of. The only thing we ask is that you don't make it any harder than it has to be. Now, I know how you are about Tom. You're protective by nature- You get that from me, but at some point we have to let Tom leave the shelter. You have the wild, ambitious dreams, but you can't act on them right now. Trust me when I tell you that you aren't ready, Stella. It takes a lot of work to get to where I am today. Focus, that's the only drive you need."

"But I am focused, Daddy," Stella defended. "I'm beyond focused, but you and mom won't let me venture out of the shelter, so why should Tom?"

"Because you each have your own form of shelter."

Stella groaned, knowing she'd never win this fight. Instead, she admitted defeat by nodding her head and crossing her arms. Though she was almost always in trouble, I was incredibly proud of the strong, young girl sitting beside me. She was destined to do great things. I know Tom was, as well. One day he'd turn into a little Matt, and when that happens, Lord have mercy on us all. Still, I found myself remembering the day they were born, the first time they crawled, all the way up to the first time they said 'I love you.' The hardest part about being a parent was letting your kids grow up.

"Wanna sing with me?" I asked her, having seen her eyeing my guitar. "I haven't heard that pretty voice in too long."

"Only if you promise you'll actually help me with my lyrics later."

"You got it, doll."

I picked up the guitar and thought about playing, but the desire in Stella's eyes got the best of me. I chuckled lightly and handed it over to her. She beamed, wrapping her still-smaller-than-mine fingers around it. The song was hers to pick, the guitar was hers to play, her voice was free to roam.

"Get me out of this place, before I cause more damage. A small price to pay for building houses out of matchsticks. And when things get too hot, you've got me to blame, for every fire that breaks out, in every lover's name..."

Her voice was absolutely perfect. Her talent, I feared, would one day be greater than my own.

"So don't forget we've got unfinished business. Stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold, and I regret not knowing when to put an end to all this madness," she joined me in the last part. "Keeps me wanting, keeps me wanting more..."

Stella didn't finish the song. Instead, she let out a sad sigh and put the guitar down. Something was bothering my little girl, but I couldn't force her to tell me about it. I had to wait, just like every other parent in the world. However, if there was one way I could at least figure out the basics, it was through her lyrics, and maybe if I figured out the problem, I could get Stella to stay in line a little better.

"Let's go work on your lyrics," I grinned.

"You mean it?" Those big eyes lit up like fireworks. "Really?"

"Come on," I stood up, headed to the door way. "Race ya!"

Together, we set off up the stairs towards her bedroom. Stella, with only the idea that her rockstar Father would help her mend any broken lyrics, while my mind was running much, much deepr than that.. Which was exactly why Stella wasn't ready for the big, bad world.

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