Perfectly Dysfunctional

The words repeat in my head over and over, getting louder every second. I try to speak, but I forget how to form words. Instead, I sit o the cold table, quiet and wide-eyed. Dr. Strouse asks me if I’m okay, but I can’t move. “I can’t be pregnant,” I tell my doctor, finally able to muster up my voice. “I haven’t had sex in only God knows how long and I’m on birth control.” She shakes her head and winks to me.

“It takes two to tango and a little help from alcohol.” Is she even allowed to say that?

I smile weakly and lower myself off the table. I slip my shoes back on and throw my purse over my shoulder. I look at her again and lower my head before walking out of the room. Not willing to believe that there’s a living in growing in me, I walk past the receptionist without scheduling another appointment. She calls me back over, getting louder with each step I take. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I whip around quickly, almost ready to backhand the person who stopped me. I feel tears welling up in my eyes when I face the small framed woman with an appointment card. She hugs me softly before handing me the small piece of paper. She holds my hand for a quick moment, reassuring everything will be okay, and gives me a small smile before going back behind the desk.

I throw the door open and let it slam shut as I walk to my car. The tears get closer and closer to the edge as I get into the driver’s seat. When I finally feel like I’m in a safe place I break down. I sob uncontrollably into my shirt. I hit my steering wheel repetitively in hopes that it’ll calm me down.

Pregnant. The thought of children had always terrified me. The idea of being tied down; having to take care of kids that make you miserable for eighteen years of your life has no appeal to me. I’ve always wanted to do my own thing, only think about myself. Some may say it’s selfish, others envy it. I pull down the mirror in front of me and look at my eyes. They’re red and bloodshot, swollen almost. I take a deep breath and start the car. Closing my eyes for a short moment before putting the car in park I breathe a few more times. Finally driving forward, I head home to break the news to Amie.

I pull into the driveway and throw my car into park. I let the car idle as I try to gain my composure. I look in the mirror again and wipe up my smeared mascara and exhale, puffing my cheeks out in the process. I swing the door open and toss the seat belt back as I lift myself from the car seat. Taking my time, I slowly shut the door behind me and press the lock button. I stare at my house then to Amie’s car right next to mine. I take my steps forward towards the front door and try to maintain a normal breathing pattern. The closer I get to the door, the faster I breathe, almost to the point of hyperventilating. The door opens before I could even get my hand on the knock and she smiles sweetly.

I stare blank faced and let myself in, walking past her. “Hey! How’d it go?” She asks as she follows close behind me. I drop my purse on the kitchen counter and sit on the stool in front of it. I feel my chest aching. I hold my face in my palms and start crying again. I slam my fist on the counter as I begin to bawl into my sleeves. I feel her begin to rub my back, trying to calm me down. It doesn’t help. She asks me what happened at the office and I can’t bring myself to say that word again. I want to pretend like I never heard it. “Syd, look at me.” She says as she grabs hold of my shoulders. I turn on the stool and rub my eyes clean of my tears. “What’s wrong?” She asks as she searches for answers.

“I’m—“ I choke out, afraid of what’s going to come out of this. “I’m—“ I leap up and run to the bathroom just around the corner. I throw myself over the toilet and get sick for the first time today. I look up to the mirror and groan as I pull myself to it. I stare at my red eyes as I take a swig of mouthwash. I wipe away the remaining makeup and splash cold water on my face.

I go back into the kitchen, my eyes meeting Amie’s for a second as she waits for me. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes, trying to spit it out. “I’m pregnant.” I keep my eyes closed as I stand still. She doesn’t say anything to me, making me worry. I feel her pull my into a hug and rock me back and forth. I feel the urge to start crying again so I bury my face into her shoulder. She rubs my back and tells me that everything will be okay. “I just don’t understand how this could happen. I haven’t slept with anyone in months.” I finally say as I pull away from her. I run my finger underneath my eye and wipe the tears on my pants. “I mean, the last time I did was at the reunion with—“

“Oh my god.” Her jaw drops, her hand covering it immediately.

Notes

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