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Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous

Chapter 27

“He looks…better,” I noted.

Lzzy followed my gaze to Jack at the other table. He was laughing for the first time since…well since our little altercation. “He does. Is better good or bad?”

I sighed. “I’m not sure of anything with him these days.” I chuckled when he laughed so hard he tipped his chair backwards, sprawling on the floor, long limbs in every direction. “But I’m glad to see him getting back to himself.” Even if it’s not with me.

“I have never needed coffee more in my life,” Cas sighed as she plopped down at the table, blocking Jack from my view.

“One more class, then coffee,” Lzzy comforted her.

“Thank god! Wake me up when the bell’s about to ring.” She laid her head down on her arms.

Going to last period was always awkward, because Jack and I were going to and coming from the same place, but didn’t really want to come in contact on the way. I waited until he was out the door before I stood and followed.

“You’re being stupid, the both of you,” Cas grumbled, rubbing her nap from her eyes.

I simply shrugged.

After class I hurried to get to my car, but I wasn’t fast enough.

“Did you need to fix your makeup on the way out? Jesus, Al,” Lzzy laughed, pushing off the hood of my car to get in.

“Oh shove it. I don’t have to chauffer you around just because your car’s in the shop, you know.”

“But you will, because you love me and I’m a wonderful human being.”

I hummed.

It was a normal Tuesday afternoon. I got my normal order. We sat at our normal table. Everything was as it normally was.

…Until it wasn’t.

Until the door jingled as it swung open. Until I just so happened to look up and lock eyes with him.

Shit.

I thought I was going to be swallowed into a whole other dimension of awkward when Rian, Cas, and Lzzy all followed my gaze and then the five of us were just silently staring at each other, unsure of what to do.

Someone else opened the door, accidentally hitting into Jack who was standing in the way. He immediately shuffled to the side, apologizing profusely. He then turned to us quickly and scratched the back of his neck. “I, um, sorry I just, er, I was free and I didn’t know that… I-I can leave,” he stuttered, already backing towards the door.

A chorus of “No!” sounded from Rian, Cas and Lzzy. There was another awkward pause before Lzzy cleared her throat.

“No, no, this is good. You two should talk.” Jack and I shared a look that held the shared agreement of not in front of all of you.

“We’ll just, um, go over there…on the other side of the room,” Rian mumbled as they all scurried to the booth in the back corner – the one where they could still see us, naturally.

Jack and I locked eyes to quickly break it again as he mumbled out something about getting coffee, and shuffled off.

I drew in a nervous breath. Those were the first words we had exchanged in about a month and a half. I was not ready for this conversation. I wasn’t sure where Jack and I stood, but I was certain that I was more ok with whatever we were than I would be if we ended things and never spoke again. Granted, that wasn’t much better than what we had, but at least with our current standing I could pretend that things would work themselves out one day. If that day wasn’t today, it wouldn’t ever happen, and the thought of losing him for good terrified me more than anything.

I grabbed for my bag and took out my pills. I would need them to get through this. I popped three, washed them down with a sip of mocha macchiato slathered in whipped cream, and waited.

I didn’t look up when I heard the chair scrape the floor across from me; not when his leg began to bounce nervously, shaking the table; not when he sighed my name so softly I didn’t even think he meant to say it out loud.

And then he moved, just folding his hands on the table and leaning on them, just an innocent move to signal he was ready to dive into the heavy conversation that loomed over our heads, and it shouldn’t have – god it shouldn’t have – but it made me flinch back, just a bit. It was only a fraction of an inch, but it was more than enough. I wanted to take it back, I tried to get him to understand that as I apologized with my gaze, honestly surprised at myself. He stilled, and I watched as the pain and horror flashed in his eyes before they became sad and empty and devoid of any of the light I’d seen as he laughed at lunch. He swallowed thickly, moving slowly and deliberately, making sure I could see all his movements as he drew his arms in to cross on his chest and leaned back in his chair.

I dropped my eyes back to the table, desperately fighting back tears. “I’m sorry,” I managed to squeak out.

He sighed. “Don’t be, it’s not your fault.” I scoffed. “Alex, really, I’m the one who should be apologizing. I just- sorry doesn’t really cut it, and I know that, but I don’t know what else to say.”

I nodded. “I know. Thank you.” I realized my hands were trembling, and quickly wrapped them around my cup. “You’re looking better.” I glanced up to see him arch an eyebrow. Heat washed down from my hairline. “I-I, you, um, y-you weren’t really your-yourself for a b-bit, but you, er, you seem…hap-happier?”

He chuckled, humorlessly. “I wouldn’t go that far,” he muttered. He took a deep breath. “Yeah, I, um, I decided things had gone too far.” He paused. “No,” he shook his head sharply, eyebrows knitted together as he grasped for the right words. “No, I didn’t decide. Things had gone too far, and I knew that, so I, um,” he shifted uncomfortably. “I decided I, ugh, I-“ he was cut off by his phone. He snorted at the text before showing it to me.

“Spit it out already!” from Lzzy.

A giggle bubbled up from my flipping stomach. “You were supposed to be giving us privacy by moving,” I called them out.

“It’s not a very big room,” Cas defended. Rian nodded.

Jack turned to shoot them his most incredulous look. “Bye.”

Lzzy snorted. “Are you kidding? We’re not going anywhere any time soon!”

Jack shot me a sly smile. “I know. Lex, grab your coat.”

My heart flipped at the nickname I hadn’t heard in so long. Our friends simply gawked after us as we left the shop bundled up, coffee in hand.

We walked in silence for a minute. My cup served two purposes during this time: keeping my hands warm in the crisp near-winter air, and keeping them from twitching towards Jack’s every five seconds because I wanted more than anything to grab him and kiss him. I remembered, vividly, what a wonderful kisser he was, and how tantalizing it was when his hands skimmed, softly, down my back, and how-

“I got help,” Jack blurted out, breaking me from my thoughts that where quickly spiraling down to a dangerous place. When he met my confused eyes his face went up if flames. “I, sorry that came out weird. I’m, um, I’m seeing a psych, for… y’know.”

I was surprised. Jack seemed far too proud to willingly get that kind of help. I could only stare as he kept his gaze on his cup, kicking a pebble down the path. It was only when he glanced at me from the corner of his eye that I realized he was waiting for a response.

“Oh, um, wow,” stumbled from my lips, lamely. I shook my head. “I-I mean that’s great. It’s a good move. I’m proud of you, Jay,” I babbled. I looked away, my cheeks warm. “S-Sorry, I don’t want to sound p-patronizing or…”

When I snuck a glance at him he was grinning widely. “Thanks. After, um, everything I figured I should. I didn’t want to- I couldn’t end up like him.” He shuddered.

My heart fractured. I bumped my shoulder into his. “You’re not him, Jack.”

“Not yet,” he grumbled.

I frowned, stepping in front of him. He stopped, looking up at me surprised. “Listen, I don’t know what the deal with us is, but I know that you are not, nor will you ever be him. You’re a good person, Jack. He would never reach out for help like this. Hey,” I used my free hand to tilt his head up, “I mean it. You’re not a monster, Jack, trust me.”

He nodded, eyes downcast blinking back tears. I couldn’t tell if the pink in his cheeks was from his blush or the cold, but either way, I wanted to get indoors, because the cold was beginning to seep through my jacket. “This conversation seems long from over, but I’m losing feeling in my ass.”

“What ass?” Jack mumbled, chuckling to himself. I flicked his nose, causing real laughter to bubble out of him. “Okay, okay, why don’t we go back to mine?”

It was comforting, walking back into the Barakat’s home. I spent most of my first three months in town in that house, and then suddenly it was gone.

“Jacky?” Pigtails bobbled into view from the top of the stairs. “Alex!” she squealed running down at full speed.

I chuckled as she nearly toppled me over when she latched onto my neck. “Hiya, beautiful. Have you been causing trouble?”

“No!” she giggled.

“I don’t know if I believe you.”

“I’m not! I’m not!”

“Alright.” I pressed a kiss to her hair. “Go play in your room, Jack and I have some yucky adult things to talk about.”

She giggled again. “Ok.”

“She missed you a lot,” Jack said as we stepped into his room.

I nodded, awkwardly, and took a seat on his bed. “She’s a sweetheart.”

There was uncomfortable silence while Jack took his place leaning on the wall opposite me. When it became unbearable he cleared his throat.

“I’m not really sure where to begin.”

I sighed. “Me either.”

He swallowed. “I’m sorry, Alex. I know that will never be enough, but please know that I am. I never wanted to hurt you I just-“

“I know,” I cut him off. “I think that’s the worst part. I know you’re sorry, and I know you were stressed, and I know you’d never want to, but it doesn’t change what happened and I can’t just say that it’s ok because it’s not ok.” I looked up trying to will away the tears stinging the backs of my eyes.

“Alex? Lex, what are you doing?” I followed his gaze to my lap where I had unconsciously started scratching at my arm.

“Oh, um, s-sorry,” I tucked my hands under my thighs. I felt nauseas. I clenched my jaw tightly as I realized my pills were wearing off and I’d left my bag in my car. My breath came in choppy and gasped, just causing more panic because this was not the time for a panic attack.

“Hey, hey, Alex, look at me. Focus over here. I’m going to come closer, ok? Nice and slow, yeah?” He took catious steps forward, as if I were a flight risk.

Somewhere, under all the anxiety and panic, I was burning with embarrassment. This was supposed to be a very serious conversation, but I couldn’t even hold my shit together for five minutes of it. Jack didn’t seem to mind, though. He sat next to me – probably far closer than people in our situation should.

“Hey, Lex, look at me, ok? I need you to breathe, because you’re starting to go pale. Breathe with me, baby. In,” he drew in a deep breath and I tried my hardest to follow him, but I could only hiccup and gasp. Hot tears finally spilled when I realized how ridiculous I must have looked. “No, no, Lex, come here.” He drew me in to a gentle, protective hug – one hand around my waist, the other running circles through the back of my hair. I couldn’t help but melt into him, throwing my arms around his neck and burying my face in his shoulder. “Shh, shh, you’re ok, Alex. Breathe, baby. In…and out.”

I have no idea how long we had to sit like that. It felt like hours while Jack murmured assurances in my ear, waiting for my breathing to steady. I hadn’t had an attack that bad in years. When the hyperventilation stopped, I couldn’t stop the heavy sobs that replaced them. I held onto Jack tightly, knowing it may be the last time I get to have him so close, because I really didn’t know where we could go from there.