Coffee Shop Soundtrack
Give Me Therapy
Like the mirror I stare into: distorting my own views of how I see myself
So untraceable to everybody else
Shattered pieces fell as a tell myself that everything is alright
As I stand here left with nothing
I'm broke, but I'm not broken
"Okay, Alexander, I just want you to stand here in front of this mirror and tell me what you see."
I looked into the mirror and grimaced. My hair was sticking out in all different directions from a combination of my lack of a good night's sleep and me running out of time to find a suitable beanie to wear before leaving to get to my therapy appointment on time.
Jacks return brought more than just a happy reunion with my boyfriend. His return brought back memories of the things we went through together, haunting my dreams every night. His return also brought back the quiet nagging voice at the back of my mind. But it wasn't quiet enough.
Look how disgusting you are. Your stomach isn't supposed to stick out that far, that's gross. Nobody will ever love you like that. Is that fat on your arms? Jesus Christ, join a gym; if not for your own sake: everyone else's. Look at your thighs and how the fat is squished together, wow...
I couldn't take this anymore. I was up all night, thrashing about with a strange itch under my wrists where faint scars resided - one of the only pieces of my past I still had to cling on to.
I examined myself carefully with the therapist studying my face intently, searching for signs of disgust and discomfort - things that were not hard to find. I could easily point out so many things I wished to change about myself, but for some reason I really just had no motivation to change them. It was like an endless cycle; I wanted to change things, but for some reason I just felt like I couldn't. I'm stuck.
Like the mirror: that's my rear view
Distorting my own views of how I see myself
It's not erasable, I'm miserable as hell
As the pages turn, I begin to learn
That I have every reason to resent myself
I'm broke, but I'm not broken
After the doctor and I took our seats again, we began to talk through some recent events again.
"So, Mr. Gaskarth, one of your returning symptoms is nightmares I understand, is this correct?"
I nodded, shifting my gaze down to the floor as I tapped my feet quietly to a random beat in my head.
"And is there anything that you believe may have triggered this? It's also to my understanding that you haven't attended a session since you were seventeen years old."
"My ex-boyfriend came back...and so did some bad memories..." I said quietly, slightly cringing at the one memory that stuck out in my mind the most: an angry teenage Zack Merrick and his crew beating me up in the hallways at Dulaney. Everything about the setting was fuzzy and hard to remember, but his face was still clear. I will never get that face out of my memory.
"Care to explain?" she asked, getting her pen and papers on her clipboard ready to jot down all of the information I gave her. I told her all about things that happened in high school and Jack having to leave me, and she just nodded and wrote it down.
"So was there anything specific that happened where you just decided that now was the time to come here, or...?"
"I had my worst nightmare yet....Zack Merrick, the main reason I still don't remember most of my life, kidnapped me and he...he..." I sighed, defeated. I couldn't talk about this with a stranger. A lump was forming in my throat and my eyes were stinging. Not good.
"It's okay, Alex, you don't have to tell me what he did," she assured me, probably being able to guess it herself with my discomfort on the topic.
"T-thank you," I choked out, finally breaking down.
Later that afternoon, upon my return to the tiny apartment I call home, I saw Jack sitting on my old couch reading a newspaper.Who reads newspapers anymore?
“Hey, Jacko,” I said cheerily, pulling him from his concentration.“Whatcha readin’ there?”I asked, sauntering over to where he was sitting and plopping down next to him.
“Just looking at job listings,” he replied, a bored tone evident in his voice.I smiled, until I realized what this really meant.
“So this means that….you’re…” I began, trying not to ask the wrong question and mess this whole thing up.
“I’m staying, Lex,” Jack replied.“I’m here for good this time, I promise.”
I beamed at Jack, and he smiled in return. “That’s so amazing,” I whispered, taking two fistfuls of his t-shirt and pulling him close to me, pressing our lips together forcefully. In that moment, I knew that things were going to be somewhat okay again. I forgot about everything wrong in life.The voices weren’t pestering me, I wasn’t thinking about the nightmares.Things were finally going right.
But all good things have to end, right? Eventually, Jack let go of his grip on my waist and pulled away, grabbing my hands. “How was therapy, baby?” he asked quietly, his brown eyes going from lustful back to his usual cute puppy look.
“It sucked,” I sighed, swinging our arms to the sides between us. “I can’t get that nightmare about Zack out of my head, I just…it felt so real,” I whispered the last part, and Jack nodded understandingly, pulling me in for a tight hug, which is just what I needed. “You know,” I sighed against his chest. “Therapy is just every kid’s worst nightmare. Everyone tells them that they need help when they have something wrong with them…but really all they want sometimes is a hug.”
I pulled away, and Jack smiled down at me. “I’m glad I can help,” he said, and I smiled back up at him.
“I’m glad you can help me. Opening up to my therapist for the first time in years was awkward. I couldn’t even explain what happened in my nightmare to her. It was too scary to think about with how I could feel his hands on me and the pain and….and seeing your face at the entryway to the alley. It was all too much,” I sniffled, but decided that I wasn’t going to cry about this anymore. Jack is here for me, and he’s going to help me get better. Sure, his return brought back some bad memories at first, but after a while, I know that he’s going to help me recover and that we can make even more good memories together.
“Don’t cry, Lex,” Jack mumbled, pulling me back in for another tight hug.
I decided that this embrace was the beginning of a new chapter of my life. That chapter was Jack and I’s new beginning. I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, and that’s exactly what I intended to do.
So untraceable to everybody else
Shattered pieces fell as a tell myself that everything is alright
As I stand here left with nothing
I'm broke, but I'm not broken
"Okay, Alexander, I just want you to stand here in front of this mirror and tell me what you see."
I looked into the mirror and grimaced. My hair was sticking out in all different directions from a combination of my lack of a good night's sleep and me running out of time to find a suitable beanie to wear before leaving to get to my therapy appointment on time.
Jacks return brought more than just a happy reunion with my boyfriend. His return brought back memories of the things we went through together, haunting my dreams every night. His return also brought back the quiet nagging voice at the back of my mind. But it wasn't quiet enough.
Look how disgusting you are. Your stomach isn't supposed to stick out that far, that's gross. Nobody will ever love you like that. Is that fat on your arms? Jesus Christ, join a gym; if not for your own sake: everyone else's. Look at your thighs and how the fat is squished together, wow...
I couldn't take this anymore. I was up all night, thrashing about with a strange itch under my wrists where faint scars resided - one of the only pieces of my past I still had to cling on to.
I examined myself carefully with the therapist studying my face intently, searching for signs of disgust and discomfort - things that were not hard to find. I could easily point out so many things I wished to change about myself, but for some reason I really just had no motivation to change them. It was like an endless cycle; I wanted to change things, but for some reason I just felt like I couldn't. I'm stuck.
Like the mirror: that's my rear view
Distorting my own views of how I see myself
It's not erasable, I'm miserable as hell
As the pages turn, I begin to learn
That I have every reason to resent myself
I'm broke, but I'm not broken
After the doctor and I took our seats again, we began to talk through some recent events again.
"So, Mr. Gaskarth, one of your returning symptoms is nightmares I understand, is this correct?"
I nodded, shifting my gaze down to the floor as I tapped my feet quietly to a random beat in my head.
"And is there anything that you believe may have triggered this? It's also to my understanding that you haven't attended a session since you were seventeen years old."
"My ex-boyfriend came back...and so did some bad memories..." I said quietly, slightly cringing at the one memory that stuck out in my mind the most: an angry teenage Zack Merrick and his crew beating me up in the hallways at Dulaney. Everything about the setting was fuzzy and hard to remember, but his face was still clear. I will never get that face out of my memory.
"Care to explain?" she asked, getting her pen and papers on her clipboard ready to jot down all of the information I gave her. I told her all about things that happened in high school and Jack having to leave me, and she just nodded and wrote it down.
"So was there anything specific that happened where you just decided that now was the time to come here, or...?"
"I had my worst nightmare yet....Zack Merrick, the main reason I still don't remember most of my life, kidnapped me and he...he..." I sighed, defeated. I couldn't talk about this with a stranger. A lump was forming in my throat and my eyes were stinging. Not good.
"It's okay, Alex, you don't have to tell me what he did," she assured me, probably being able to guess it herself with my discomfort on the topic.
"T-thank you," I choked out, finally breaking down.
Later that afternoon, upon my return to the tiny apartment I call home, I saw Jack sitting on my old couch reading a newspaper.Who reads newspapers anymore?
“Hey, Jacko,” I said cheerily, pulling him from his concentration.“Whatcha readin’ there?”I asked, sauntering over to where he was sitting and plopping down next to him.
“Just looking at job listings,” he replied, a bored tone evident in his voice.I smiled, until I realized what this really meant.
“So this means that….you’re…” I began, trying not to ask the wrong question and mess this whole thing up.
“I’m staying, Lex,” Jack replied.“I’m here for good this time, I promise.”
I beamed at Jack, and he smiled in return. “That’s so amazing,” I whispered, taking two fistfuls of his t-shirt and pulling him close to me, pressing our lips together forcefully. In that moment, I knew that things were going to be somewhat okay again. I forgot about everything wrong in life.The voices weren’t pestering me, I wasn’t thinking about the nightmares.Things were finally going right.
But all good things have to end, right? Eventually, Jack let go of his grip on my waist and pulled away, grabbing my hands. “How was therapy, baby?” he asked quietly, his brown eyes going from lustful back to his usual cute puppy look.
“It sucked,” I sighed, swinging our arms to the sides between us. “I can’t get that nightmare about Zack out of my head, I just…it felt so real,” I whispered the last part, and Jack nodded understandingly, pulling me in for a tight hug, which is just what I needed. “You know,” I sighed against his chest. “Therapy is just every kid’s worst nightmare. Everyone tells them that they need help when they have something wrong with them…but really all they want sometimes is a hug.”
I pulled away, and Jack smiled down at me. “I’m glad I can help,” he said, and I smiled back up at him.
“I’m glad you can help me. Opening up to my therapist for the first time in years was awkward. I couldn’t even explain what happened in my nightmare to her. It was too scary to think about with how I could feel his hands on me and the pain and….and seeing your face at the entryway to the alley. It was all too much,” I sniffled, but decided that I wasn’t going to cry about this anymore. Jack is here for me, and he’s going to help me get better. Sure, his return brought back some bad memories at first, but after a while, I know that he’s going to help me recover and that we can make even more good memories together.
“Don’t cry, Lex,” Jack mumbled, pulling me back in for another tight hug.
I decided that this embrace was the beginning of a new chapter of my life. That chapter was Jack and I’s new beginning. I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, and that’s exactly what I intended to do.
Notes
I feel bad this is the best I can give you but ya know...writer's block.I worked on this chapter for a month I'm such a bad person -.- I just had the sudden urge to finish it though so this happened, at least Alex is finally trying to move on from everything but Jack :)
So I'm entered in the next writing contest (yes I know I was supposed to host one but I was busy okay I'll try to get the next one) and I'm writing a Jalex oneshot based on Broke But Not Broken by Artist Vs Poet. Yes, I did use the first verse of that song in this, but like I said, I started writing this chapter a month ago, so honestly I didn't even remember that I used it until I proofread this just now, and I entered the contest a few days ago.
Well okay so I have a really bad headache right now so comments would be great <3
PS check out my Jack/OC A Whole New World because it's going to be super duper cute <3
~SaraBethGaskarth xo
aaaaaawn gay couple <3
12/27/13