Letters

Dear You,

Have you ever been so angry about something that you just wanted to either die, or kill? Now I've been told that anger issues are just in my head.
That my anxiety is just in my head.
That basically everything i have ever felt that is out of place in any way is just in my head.
Well yes, mom, Jason, brother, sister, peers, society it is just in my head because I have a mentalillness. And surprise mental means it's in your head.
I have severe social anxiety that prevents me from speaking in public or even walking alone down the road. It's not something I can get over, its easier said then done to just talk to someone.
I also have really really bad anger. I've been put on medicine for this, and my anxiety. Prozac is the pill I take, two, twice a day. I also see a therapist. Well im supposed to until my shit parents stopped taking me.
I also have depression. Now I'm not on anything for this, and my therapist doesn't talk about it. Because I haven't told anyone. I don't want people to think I'm bipolar or something because I'm not. But when I get the tiniest bit of emotion, ll of the others soon follow in an army.
I have a few things I do to cope with my emotions.
I used to cut, but im clean now by at least 6months.
I watch a lot of youtube videos. Mostly youtubers, for example; Carrie (itswaypastmybedtime), Pete (petesjams), Phil (im like in love with phil) (amazingphil) and Dan, (danisnotonfire). I also watch Dodie (doddleoddle).
I also draw, and write and read.
I also play dorky video games like mine craft.
But every time I get angry, or I 'overreact' about something My step dad threatens those things, not even realizing it could end in something worse than what im being punished for.


My therapists once asked me if I'd thought about suicide. I said no, but if a man held a gun to my head I wouldn't beg for my life.

It's been a few months since that question and my answer has changed.
I'm not getting into it now, but my life has been stressfulx10 these past months.
My answer now would be somewhere along the lines of 'i have a bottle of pills hidden in my drawer just in case.' or 'when we moved this last time, i brought my blade, just in case. '

I cry a lot more than I used too, maybe it was moving highschools three times in just one month. I've been sad. I'm not going to lie ive been pretty close to the egde a lot. I've been torn away from my friends, and my happiness. I've been thrown around, neglected, brought to peace then ripped away again so many times.

I used to have a deathly fear of storms as a kid, I was afraid I'd be swept away by on like in the wizard of oz. I didnt want to go to oz. I didnt want to meet the witch and i didnt want to have to walk all that way just to go back to kansas.
But now, oz doesnt sound all that bad. I mean, the munchkins were pretty nice. I'd probably befriend the witch. Those shoes were ugly anyway.

Notes