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Late Night Thoughts
*TRIGGER WARNING OMG*
I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling of my bunk. It’s been about one day. Three more until I can take the pregnancy test. I didn’t stay for this show. I went for a walk to the CVS pharmacy. Bought a pregnancy test, a quart of ice cream, some chocolates and an iTunes 20 dollar gift card to download movies. I ended up watching the nightmare before Christmas and downloading the Corpse Bride for a later time.
The guys are all in their bunks. Matt is working and we’re already on the road again. I think back to a notebook I had. Filled with my last goodbyes. My suicide notes. Notes to all the people who I wronged, to all the people I love.
What if I killed myself? What if I ended it all. Matt wouldn’t have to know about the baby I think is growing inside of me. I could be lifted stress off of all of the guys shoulders. I mean I am admittedly probably a pain in the ass. There’s no actual thing I’m doing on tour really but being a babysitter. Which they really don’t need.
I could just leave a note for them that says I’m going home. I’m going home and that I don’t want to see them again. I would be free to do it. I could throw back all the pills I can find or soak in the bathtub and cut until I bleed to death.
Wouldn’t that just be easiest for everybody?
~o~o~Jack~o~o~
Todays show was admittedly one of the worst shows I think I’ve ever done. It felt that way at least. I tried to put on my normal face for the kids and act the way I usually do. I tried thinking I should make this a good show. Keep everyone in great moods so Hanna’s life could be easier while she was so stressed out.
I saw her by the side of the stage at the very end the show watching Matt. It looked like she was either crying or had been after she left the room. I don’t know how to help her either. I mean, I’ve had hundreds of fans tell me I saved their lives but I didn’t really do anything but be myself.
And now that I’m in a situation where I have to do something. Or I want to do something to help her, I don’t have any idea on what I can do. I’ve never had to deal with a pregnant woman or had to deal with any situation like this. Maybe I’m just making all of this up in my head and maybe this isn’t as big of a deal as it feels like it is. But I don’t know. I feel sortof useless.
~o~o~Matt~o~o~
I can’t do this work anymore. My head hurts, my computer is hot as fuck. I should go to bed, but I want this all to be done so I can go and do something with Hanna. I want to spend more time with her. Lately everything has been, seeming a little off with her and it worries me.
I’ve noticed Jack giving her some company as well and that’s good. But I guess I just get a little jealous.
I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling of my bunk. It’s been about one day. Three more until I can take the pregnancy test. I didn’t stay for this show. I went for a walk to the CVS pharmacy. Bought a pregnancy test, a quart of ice cream, some chocolates and an iTunes 20 dollar gift card to download movies. I ended up watching the nightmare before Christmas and downloading the Corpse Bride for a later time.
The guys are all in their bunks. Matt is working and we’re already on the road again. I think back to a notebook I had. Filled with my last goodbyes. My suicide notes. Notes to all the people who I wronged, to all the people I love.
What if I killed myself? What if I ended it all. Matt wouldn’t have to know about the baby I think is growing inside of me. I could be lifted stress off of all of the guys shoulders. I mean I am admittedly probably a pain in the ass. There’s no actual thing I’m doing on tour really but being a babysitter. Which they really don’t need.
I could just leave a note for them that says I’m going home. I’m going home and that I don’t want to see them again. I would be free to do it. I could throw back all the pills I can find or soak in the bathtub and cut until I bleed to death.
Wouldn’t that just be easiest for everybody?
~o~o~Jack~o~o~
Todays show was admittedly one of the worst shows I think I’ve ever done. It felt that way at least. I tried to put on my normal face for the kids and act the way I usually do. I tried thinking I should make this a good show. Keep everyone in great moods so Hanna’s life could be easier while she was so stressed out.
I saw her by the side of the stage at the very end the show watching Matt. It looked like she was either crying or had been after she left the room. I don’t know how to help her either. I mean, I’ve had hundreds of fans tell me I saved their lives but I didn’t really do anything but be myself.
And now that I’m in a situation where I have to do something. Or I want to do something to help her, I don’t have any idea on what I can do. I’ve never had to deal with a pregnant woman or had to deal with any situation like this. Maybe I’m just making all of this up in my head and maybe this isn’t as big of a deal as it feels like it is. But I don’t know. I feel sortof useless.
~o~o~Matt~o~o~
I can’t do this work anymore. My head hurts, my computer is hot as fuck. I should go to bed, but I want this all to be done so I can go and do something with Hanna. I want to spend more time with her. Lately everything has been, seeming a little off with her and it worries me.
I’ve noticed Jack giving her some company as well and that’s good. But I guess I just get a little jealous.
Yay :3 I'm so glad somebody likes it :3 I wasn't modivated for a while. And I just got a really good idea for it :P
10/29/13