It hurt like Hell to be back home in Baltimore. It had been two days, and still the dark circles remained under his eyes. His clothes were baggy, his once perfect hair was messy, and his eyes that always had that sparkle in them had burned out. The snow was falling so hard that his beanie was growing heavy, but that didn't bother him. It was nothing compared to his red skin, burning from the drops that were falling on his uncovered arms. He exhaled a deep breath, watching the clouds form around him. Though his body was shaking furiously in the cold night air, Alexander Gaskarth felt numb to everything.


He finally stopped walking through the ankle deep snow and shoved his hands deep into his pocket. For just a moment, he could feel the heat of his body, but it was quickly replaced by a heavy sense of guilt. There was a girl to blame for his current state of mind, and he was certain that wherever she was, she was telling her friends that there was a boy to blame for hers.


It wasn't a tragic love story, there was no dramatic fight. That's what made the ending so terrible. There was no closure to make him feel better, no tears to ease her pain. They were expected to go on about their lives like the other one never existed. Alexander Gaskarth just never considered how badly his heart would ache when he came home for the Holidays. His heart was barely pounding in his chest as he stared into the window. Inside, he could see the dim light of the Christmas tree, along with a figure walking past the tree every now and again.


Memories flooded his mind like a train crash. Though he was staring at nothing but a shadow through the window, he could so clearly see the way she giggled as she wrapped the lights around the tree. They were so messy, so out of place, yet so perfect. He could feel her weight in his arms as he lifted her to place the star on the tip of the tree. He could hear her voice as she teased him about hanging the mistletoe, just before she tore it from his hands and planted a sloppy kiss on his lips.


Oh Rachel, how I miss you...

Life on the road was hard. Alex didn't have the picture-perfect life that everyone believed he did. His own family thought his job was a joke. He was one of the lucky ones, they'd say. He did what he loved evey single night. But they didn't see past the surface. The boy was always desperate for sleep. It seemed that no matter how long he slept, it was still never enough to re-fuel his energy. His body was always aching from another crazy night on the stage. Writing songs was easy enough, but it was a painful process. It required him to remember all the shit he'd gone through and put his own life on blast just so someone else could feel better for three minutes. No one ever saw how much he drank to ease the pain. No one really cared... No one but Rachel.


If he just refused to go on that stupid year-long-tour, he'd still have her. She would still curl up to his chest a night and smile into the crook of his neck. He would still see her big doe eyes staring up at him with love shining through them. He'd still be the one she ran to.
Alex tore his thoughts away from the happy home. His hands shot to his eyes, where he rubbed them so badly it hurt, trying to force the memory out of his brain. He remembered the pain so often.. Why wouldn't his brain allow him one good memory, just one, without also reminding him of how much of a dick he was?


It was so nice to be back in Baltimore. All Time Low had missed their families, their friends, so much it seemed their hearts would fall right out of their chests. It was only for a day. They were expected to be back on the road and in another City by early morning. One day would never be enough, but Alexander Gaskarth was just so happy to see Rachel Owens that he didn't even care. He took it upon himself to make this the best visit ever. His family and friends argreed to play along. Rachel Owens had no idea he was in town, and he was going to give her the best surprise visit of her life.



Slowly and quietly, Alex slithered up to her doorstep. A sleepish grin was glued to his face and his body shivered with excitement as he hit the doorbell. He held his breath, waiting for the moment that she'd see his face. Her eyes would light up, she laugh a little, and she'd throw herself into his arms and let her love flow into his veins.



But Alex never gets what he expects.



The door flew open, instantly washing away Alex's smile. Who the fuck was he? Alex took a step back from the door and checked the number on the house. Well, he wasn't crazy, becasue this was Rachel's address. He tried to peek over the shoulder of the stranger, hoping that he'd see Rachel was having a party of some sort, and she'd be there to wrap her arms around him at any given moment.



"Can I help you?"



Alex shook his head, staring at the guy with confusion and hurt written all over his face. Sure, Alex thought, you can tell me who the fuck you are and what you're doing at my girlfriend's house while I'm away. Still shaking his head, Alex took another step back. His heart was about to explode. Was she cheating on him? Did she not love him anymore? He threw his arms in the air with a hurt smile. His lips were slowly parting to speak, but a figure came flying out of the house before he could. Rachel stopped dead in her tracks. Her chest was rising and falling heavily, and her eyes, they stay locked right on his. It seemed to kill her, but she tore her eyes away from his long enough to send a whisper to the stranger, who slowly stepped back into the house and closed the door behind him. Alex felt a cold laugh escape his lips and he started at the doe-eyed brunette who swore she'd always love him.



"Alex, I-"
"Who is he?"



Rachel let out a sigh, slowly following Alex down the stairs. She wrapped her arms around her tiny chest and blinked back tears. It was never her intention to hurt him. She just wanted him to stop hurting her.



"That's Trevor," she finally breathed out, her eyes scanning over Alex's to see his reaction. "He's, uh, he's been staying here for a while."



"So that's why you never call me anymore. Fuck, you barely even answer my text messages."



"Alex, that's not fair, and you know it!"



"Are you sleeping with him?"



All color had drained from Alex's face. His brown eyes had gone black. All the joy in the world had been slaughtered, leaving him as the bloody remains that no one wants to deal with.



Rachel's eyes grew cold. Her arms went from her chest to her hip. "Am I sleeping with him?" She gave one of those laughs that a girl does to show you just how close you are to having her fist in your face. "I'll answer that when you answer this: Are you sleeping with anyone else, Alex?"



Now it all made sense. As much as Rachel promised not to buy into the rumors and read all the junk online, she obviously didn't stay true to her word. No, Alex hadn't been sleeping with anyone else. Lonely wasn't even the right word to describe how he felt out there on the road, but he never once strayed. Even on the nights where it was so tempting, and the release was right there at his fingertips, he'd crawl into his bunk and stare at a picture of Rachel until the feeling passed and he could finally sleep again. He loved her more than anything else in the world. He'd be willing to give up his music life to make her happy. And they'd still be happy, if she had just stayed away from the internet.



Alexander Gaskarth was hard-headed. If she needed to believe that Alex was out fucking every piece of ass that walked by him, just to justify what she did.. Well, he loved her enough to let her.



"So what if I am?" Alex questioned, regretting it the moment the words left his mouth. Oh God, what was he saying? He didn't want to lose her, not like this. "Does that make it any better that you've moved some guy in, totally replaced in me every single way?"



"You've been out there sleeping with dozens of other girls. Do you even think of me when you're on the road?"



"Do you think of me when he's in your bed every night?"



Rachel Owens marched right up to Alex Gaskarth and smacked him as hard as she could, right across the cheek. She gasped loudly and backed away from him, not even understanding what she'd just done. She's never smacked Alex before- Why start now? She shook her head and brushed a tear from her eye.



"I'm sorry," she whispered, shaking her head to Alex. "I'm so sorry."



And then, she was gone.



Alex never forgave himself for the lie he told her that night. Maybe if he had told her the truth, that he hadn't slept with anyone, that he had been faithful to her in every sense of the word; he'd be spending this Christmas by her side. He closed his eyes tightly and put his hand to his cheek. Sometimes he could still feel the sting of her slap, but it was soothing, because it was the last time she ever touched him.. It was the last time he ever saw her.


"Alex?"


It was as if someone tied a brick to his heart, because it just ended up in his stomach. Her tiny figure was slowly stepping out from the backyard. He could see the red glow of the cigarette tip, almost in a trance as he watched her bring it to her lips for one last draw before she flicked it into the front yard, where the snow quickly put it out. He follow the trail of smoke back to her face. Under the dim glow of the street lamp, he could see she was just as beautiful as she ever was. Her big, brown eyes were still shining brightly. God, was she beautiful.


"You started smoking again," Alex said bluntly, his voice sounding wounded and fragile.


"Yeah," Rachel sighed. She wrapped her arms tightly around her chest the way she'd done the last time he saw her. "What are you doing here, Alex?"


"I just.. I- I guess I just needed to see this place again. It still doesn't feel real, Rachel."


"But it is real, Alex. Don't get me wrong, it's so good to see your face again, but you don't belong here anymore."


His heart shattered. He felt less like a man than he ever had, fighting back those wicked tears that threatened his eyes. They, like him, just didn't belong there.


"I know, I'm sorry. But I just need you to know, Rachel, I never stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you, not even in death."


"You know," Rachel stepped closer to him, "There was a time where I would have believed every word of that. There was a time when I believed you'd never turn your back on me, never forget about the girl back home..."


"And I never did."


Rache shook her pretty little head. Alex questioned the smile on her lips. It wasn't happy, but it wasn't sad. Had she finally gotten her closure? He never blinked, never looked away, as Rachel's body moved closer to him. The sound of the snow crunching under her feet was almost comforting. She stopped a few inches from his body. She placed her hands on his chest and stood high on the tips of her toes. It took him by surprise as she planted a gentle kiss on his lips. For the first time in a long time, Alexander Gaskarth felt at ease. He could finally feel the sting of the cold Winter air, the way his body was shaking, the way her lips felt. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to photograph this moment in his brain, trying to lock her scent in a jar so he could open it whenever he wanted. He wanted so badly to wrap his arm around her body and pull her close. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair and whisper how much he loved her, but Rachel Owens was a mystery. It may have seemed like forever, all those feelings rushing back into his body, but it was only a second. Just one second and she was gone.


His eyes remained shut until he heard the sound of the front door close. It was cruel, the way she left him. Never knowing if she still loved him, never knowing if there was a chance he that could ever belong again.

Notes

Yes, the first thing I ever posted on this site was a one-shot, because I enjoy writing them.
Also, I figured since I'm trying to clear up space on my profile, I might as well move this since it is the season! Hope you guys enjoy it! (: