Alexander Gaskarth took one last glance at the crowd he was leaving behind. They had been wonderful, full of energy when All Time Low played their most recent set. Screaming to the top of their lungs, throwing their bodies around to the beat of the music, singing the lyrics as if they had written them on their own. Those were the moments Alex lived for, seeing all those faces admire him when he was up on that stage. The way they'd go crazy and try to grab him when he bent down to swoon some random fan girl, even the way all the guys would laugh at his dick jokes while the chicks would offer their bodies for his pleasure. Point blank: They loved him.


The tragic things was, they didn't love him for who he really was, they only loved him for who he appeared to be up on that stage.


Sometimes Alex would wonder what it would be like if he'd never followed his dream. Would anyone know who he was if he'd gotten some crap job in his home town and went to a community college? Would anyone even care? They'd probably mock him in his tiny dorm for staying up late and playing his guitar, tell him he was part of the big, black hole that sucked everyone in when their dreams never came true. That's why Alex never gave up. He was selfish, but in the end, he got exactly what he wanted. The world knew who he was, and damnit, they couldn't get enough of him.


When he was stopped on the street or standing on that stage, Alexander William knew that he was in control, not only of himself and his life, but those standing around him. He had the entire world at his command; what a bitter-sweet feeling that was. Feeling confident in himself, Alex had a smug expression on his lips as he made his way through the venue. A few lingering fans tripped over themselves for his attention, the workers offered him free drinks and complimented his show, and the other bands that had played that night fed his ego with kind words. Oh yeah, Alex ran that joint.


The tall young man was about to make the short walk back to his bus when he caught a glance of a couple who had been front row at the show. Street lamps reflected off the wet pavement around the two as they held hands, talking softly amongst themselves. Alex couldn't help but catch a few words of their conversation before they disappeared from his sight.


"That show was amazing," the girl sighed, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm so glad you brought me here tonight!"


"It wouldn't have meant anything without you," he chuckled, wrapping his arm tighter around her waist. "What do you say we go grab a bite to eat? We have a long drive home."


"Sure, but first," she stopped him, standing up on her tip toes to softly kiss his lips. "Happy anniversary, baby."


"Happy anniversary," the boy smiled, grabbing her by the hand so he could pull her away.


Alex's stomach flipped. There was an unfamiliar pain in his heart that he didn't quiet understand. There was something about that adorable young couple that made his heart long for the same thing. In that one moment of watching them, Alex's mind ran back to Lisa, his ex-girlfriend who he couldn't never make enough time for. He thought of all the short-lived loves he'd had along the way of his life in lights, how they never lasted because time wouldn't slow down for them. He even thought about his family, his friends, all the people who loved and supported him back home who he hadn't even seen in six months.


His high-tops smacked against the pavement as he fled from the bus, ignoring Matt's constant yelling for bus call. There would be plenty of time for the band to leave and make it to their next destination if Alex only allowed himself one drink to drown his sorrows, right? Besides, the man needed some time to himself every now and again. It can get frustrating, living with so many other people. Nothing was sacred on that bus, not even his thoughts.


Those same high-tops led him to a small bar on the long strip. The pale green, neon OPEN light that hung in the window was buzzing loudly, flickering against the raindrops every now and again. It wasn't ideal, but it would do. Alex pushed the door open and instantly the stench of alcohol swam around his nostrils. He grinned to himself, trotting across the stained wooden floor, eyeing the large room as he walked. In the center of the room was a larg bar, stools placed sloppily under the chipping, cherry wood. To the left of that bar were a few tables, none of them with matching chairs, but several of them occupied with groups of people. Hanging above them were dim lights, almost making the place look like it'd be filled with stalkers and murderers. To the right of that bar were two pool tables, only one of them in use. A woman with leather pants and a tight wife beater was about to take her shot, making the older man she was playing against cringe.


Alex could never fit in at a place like this, and that's exactly why he decided to stay. For once, no one would know his name. No one would stop him and ask him for an autograph, not caring that he was in the middle of something. Absolutely no one in this place would bother him, unless, of course, they wanted to wear his skin to their next birthday.


He carried his body the bar and let his weight fall into one of the uncomfortable bar stools. He tapped his fingers against the wood and nodded to the tender, smiling as she rose an eyebrow in his direction.


"What's a kid like you doing in a place like this?"


"Trying to escape the real world," Alex shrugged. "Can I get a beer?"


"Coming your way," she mumbled. Alex watched her closely as she bent over, revealing her clevage under her white, v-neck tee-shirt. Her light brown hair fell against her face, but she paid no mind to it, returning from under the bar with a freshly poured cup of beer. "Here ya go."


"Thanks."


As he sat there by himself, sipping on his beer and catching random bits of the conversation around them, Alex wondered what it would be like to live one day in their shoes. To walk into a shit joint like this one and feel at home, being well-known around here for grabbing a drink after work. To sit down on the weekends and catch up with good friends before the work week had to begin again. He imagined meeting a girl in the bar, perhaps the beautiful bar tender in front of him, and sharing more with her than a one-night-stand with no phone calls to follow up afterwards. Maybe even sitting down beside someone with a broken-heart, mending it with booze and someday marrying her. Was it really too much to ask for, celebrating his birthday with his family, going out for a casual drink with his friends and not getting plastered on in a confined space like the tour bus? Falling in love and making it last?


Of course it was, he was Alex Gaskarth, his one true love was fame.


With all those thoughts weighing heavily on his mind, the boy downed the rest of the brew in front of him and slid the cup to the side. He cleared his throat and threw his arm in the air, silently asking the cute woman to come back his way. As it was her job, she obeyed.


"Another beer?"


"Actually, I'll have a shot." Alex paused, looking around the room. "Make it a double."


Shot after shot, Alex kept drowning his sorrows. By now he knew he'd be in serious shit with Matt, the sad was, he didn't care. He was now starting to realize, as the booze began to take over his body, exactly why the band never liked him to drink alone. His mind would always travel to deep, dark places he liked to keep a secret. He was hunched over the bar, only one arm holding his head up while his other one threw back another shot. His face had grown pale and his body felt so extremely tired. He would give anything to go back home, curl up in his bed and mumbled a goodnight to his dogs. But that wouldn't happen anytime soon. All Time Low had another solid three months on tour before their next, short break.


"Maybe I just shouldn't do it anymore," Alex slurred, his eyes trailing to the woman behind the bar. "What's it all for, anyway? A couple of good lays and a fat check?"


"I'm sorry?"


"I love it out there on the road," he explained, tapping his shot glass on the bar so she could refill it. "Meeting new people, posing for pictures, but I've seen it all a million times. It gets old. That bitch with the pig tails had it right, there's no place like home."


"Do you mean Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?" The girl laughed, sliding his glass back to him. "Ya know, I loved that movie as a kid."


"Why? 'Cause," hiccup. "Because she teaches you that paradise can be found in your back yard?"


"Well, no, not exactly. The lesson I learned was far more important than that. Have you ever heard the quote, 'Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable?' I thought that was pretty true."


"That's, that shit, that's fuckin' true. I mean, what are we doing out there? Like, the world is filled with so many damn people, and we always pick the low-life-scum that we know is just going to ruin us. Like, my scum? My scum is the road. It's like, I keep chasing something down that I'm never gonna catch. It's exhausting!"


"May I ask what it is you do for a living?"


"You don't know how good it is to hear someone say that," Alex groaned, tossing back his new shot. "I'm the frontman for a band. Ya know, when this shit first started, it was epic. But now? I just don't know, man."


"Well I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Maybe it's time for you to take a break. Maybe you've outgrown everything."


"Call me Alex."


"Okay, Alex. I'm Marnie, and you seem really stressed."


"Dude, you don't even know."


Marnie nodded, unsure of what to say, so she simply began to wipe down the bar. Last call would be here soon, but not sooner than a group of men who walked into her bar like they owned the place. Marnie's eyes narrowed when she saw the anger they seemed to be burning in the back of Alex's eyes. She tapped him on the arm and nodded towards them. Alex swallowed hard.


"Alex, Matt is going crazy. Have you been here this whole fucking time?"


"What does it matter?" Alex laughed, mentally thanking Marnie for the fresh shot she just poured him.


"No, don't give him anymore," Rian Dawson stepped up to the bar, pulling the shot away from Alex's fingers. "Can't you tell when someone's had enough? For fucks sake."


"Hey," Alex stood up, his bar stool raking across the floor. Marnie took a step back from the scene while everyone else around them watched closely. "She didn't fucking do anything, don't talk to her like that!"


"Geeze, Alex, what's gotten into you?"


Pushing a strand of hair out of his face, Alex slowly turned on his heel to face his best friend. Who the fuck did he think he was? Jack Bassam Barakat, who claims to know everything about him, who swears that Alex is the center of his world. Did he see this coming? Does he not understand what it's like to have so much expected of him? Could he not see that their time was running out, their time to get married, start a family and finally settle down?


"What's gotten into me?" Alex snorted. "What's gotten into you, all of you? Are you not sick of all the dick jokes, are you not sick of living in a house on wheels? Does it not bother you at all that this is all we're ever going to amount to? I swear, the only one of us that even remotely has a life is Zack, and that's 'cause he keeps his distance from us!"


"Chill the fuck out," Rian whispered, trying to calm his friend. "You don't have to cause a scene."


"Oh, I don't? How does it make you feel that the so-called love of your life is always so far away from you? Does it feel good knowing you only get to see her once in a blue moon?"


"Alex, you know that's a complicated situation. We're doing the best we can."


"Sure. The reality is, no matter how much you claim you love each other, you love your jobs more."


"That's not true...."


Drunkenly, Alex ran both hands along his face. This life would never be enough for him. He was a sellout, a pathetic excuse for a lead singer. He was a piece of shit son, bailing on his mom and dad after the tragic loss of his brother. He was even a shitty friend, talking down to them like they'd never understand, when really they're the only people who did.


"Look, Alex, I don't know what's going on but.. We can fix it. If you'd just talk to us, we can fix it."


"I think- I think I wanna give it up. Just drop the label and the contracts and go back home."


No one spoke, there was nothing they could say. At that very moment in time, they could feel their lives being ripped away from them. Without Alex, they would have no shot. This was their life now, Alex knew that when they signed their first deal. All of the sacrifices they had made, all the hardships they'd endured, was it all for this?


"Alex, you're just having a bad night. When this tour is over, we can drop the next one, spend some time at home with our family, catch up with our friends.. But you can't quit right now. We promised each other that we'd always stick together, don't bail on us now, man."


"Yeah," Zack added, taking a step forward. For once, he had something to say. "You know what I think about when times get hard, when I feel like I don't fit in with you guys? I think about all the letters I've read, all the tears that have been shed over us. I think of those kids waiting in the freezing cold, dedicating their lives to us. Those people out there who claim their still alive because of us, because even though they don't understand what it's really like out there on the road, I know I've made a difference in a thousand lives, even if I've barely made a difference in my own. It's about giving back, man. All those songs you write, they're an escape for someone else. Because even for just three minutes, they know they're not alone, they know they're not the only one's who feel like shit."


"Or feel like dancing," Jack snickered, trying to ease the mood. "He's right, Alex. We mean something to so many people, and you may not realize it right now because you're so fucked up, but they mean something to you, too."


"Do you remember, back in the day, when we used to hang out with our fans for the Hell of it? When everyone got their chance, not just those who paid a little extra? I miss those days."


"It just isn't like that anymore, our fan base is too large. But that's not a bad thing, either. So long as we keep telling them how important they are, they all understand.."


"I just," Alex sighed, trying to make his words sound nearly as good as Zack's. "I just want to feel needed. I want someone to tell me they love me and mean it, not just because they love my music."


"Alex, those people out there do love you and not just for your music. Even if it isn't true, they feel like they really know you, and that's something to be proud of. Look at you, you aren't ready to settle down yet. We still have a lot of living left to do. Some day you're going to make a great husband, maybe even father, but not now. It isn't your time yet."


Holding back tears in his drunken stooper, Alex nodded. His hands found their way to his back pocket, where he pulled out his wallet and laid two hundered dollars on the bar. Marnie deserved a large tip for the drama she'd just witnessed. He flashed her a half-smile and whispered a thank you, wrapping his arm around Rian's neck so he could make it back safe to the bus without staggering over. He didn't find it necessary to speak anymore. He would get himself through the night by thinking of the dozens of fans who were dreaming of seeing his face the next day.


Love was a hard thing to explain. He knew from experience that it was a battle. You'd have your good days, your bad days, and days where you just want to give up. No, his love wasn't with a person, it was with music. It was with the entire world and all those who found hope in his lyrics or cried themselves to sleep with his voice as their only comfort. If there's one thing he learned, it's that you don't give up on love, not when you know it's real. Never in a million years would he give up on his fans, afterall, they kept him going day after day. They made him feel like he was on top of the world. So long as he got that high every night, nothing else mattered. Even if life on the road killed him, at least he'd die for something. That's more than a lot of people could ever ask for.

　
"Is it so bad I only want to live this up? A new city each night, it's hard to give it. 'Cause they only know my name, they don't know my shame at all."

Notes

"I am a lair. I am self-absorbed. I am in this for me. I am seeking recognition. I am not concerned with politics. I am attempting to rise to the top. I am never going to forget my intentions. I am allowed to worry about my own life above the lives of others. After all, I am human." -Alexander William Gaskarth.