Beat It

I may or may not have developed a small crush on Alex. I also may or may not have pushed him away as a result of this crush. He’s been trying to get me to talk to him again from the few nights we bonded and I just can’t bring myself to be near him like that again.

I know I’m hurting him by avoiding him. I can see it in his eyes. When I push him away the way I did when I was convinced I hated him I can see the hurt in his eyes. He does a damn good job at hiding it, but I know. He’s never been so into his iPod before. It’s like his new best friend. Not that I’m trying to say it wasn’t attached to his hip before. It’s just more now than it was before and I seem to be the only one to notice it because Im the one causing the hurt.

I’ve been writing a lot in my journal about it. I don’t like being so hateful towards someone I don’t have any negative feelings towards. I have an appointment later with Mrs. Pam so I’ll probably try to will myself to talk to her about it. I need more than myself this time.

“Hey, Jack,” Alex said as he walks through the door to our bedroom.

“Shut up,” I muttered and kept writing in my journal. I didn’t have to look up to see the disappointment in his face. All the channels that have broken down.

I heard him sigh before he says, “You’re a lot more fun to be around when your main goal isn’t to piss the world off.”

“You’re a lot more fun to be around when you’re main goal isn’t to be my best friend. I know you’d like to think differently, but the last thing I want is that,” I snapped.

I watched his face fall a bit before he quickly recovered and gave me a cold look. “This is why have nobody. It’s because you push every one away who wants to be there for you.”

“Maybe I don’t want anyone because the people who were supposed to want me didn’t even give me a fucking chance!” I shouted as Alex’s eyes got big at what I had just said. I barely even registered his reaction before I was screaming again, though. I just kept yelling. “Maybe I don’t want anyone because the people who were supposed to love me hated me from the moment they knew I existed! Maybe I don’t want anyone because the people who were supposed to be my parents are probably raising a family of their own right now and forgot about me,” I fumed. Listen what I say. I stood there fuming for about twenty seconds before I realized what I just said. I stormed out of the room and down stairs to find Flyzik. I want to see Mrs. Pam.

“What do you think triggered you getting angry at Alex?” Mrs. Pam asks me as she crosses one of her legs across the other.

“Him telling me I have nobody because I push everyone away,” I answered simply while playing with my fingers. “I know I do. I can’t argue with that. I just don’t like that he said that.”

“Maybe it’s because he was right,” she says.

“I know it was.”

“You really like this Alex boy, don’t you?” She asks as she gives me a knowing look.

“What do you mean?”

“More than you like the other boys in the house. I think, and this is just me speaking my mind here, that you like him and you don’t want anything to do with him because you don’t know how to go about not expressing those feelings towards him.”

“How did you-”

“Jack, I’ve been a therapist for years. I’ve seen it all,” she waves her hand like it’s the most normal thing in the world and says, “I think you should go meet another girl... or boy... whichever you prefer and try and get your mind off of him. I think it’ll be good for both of you. You wont be so hostile and he wont be so persistent.”

“You really think that’ll work?”

“I do,” she nods and give me a warm smile.

“Jack, why are you always on the roof?” Flyzik asks me through my window.

“It’s peaceful,” I shrug. I close my journal and set under my leg as he climbs through and comes to sit by me.

“You’ve been writing in that thing a lot. Does it help?”

“A bit, yeah. It’s a great stress reliever.”

“That’s good.”

“What are you doing up here, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I knew the small talk wouldn’t last to long,” he chuckles. “I wanted to tell you how proud I am that your trying so hard to not be so volatile. It means a lot to me and everyone else that your trying so much for us.”

“I really care about you guys. This is the best home I’ve ever been in. The last thing I want is to hurt you guys. Im actually very happy that I have Mrs. Pam, too. She helps a lot. I never knew how much talking could help me release all of this anger.”

“Im glad you like her. If you ever want to talk to me, or anyone else in the house, on a day you don’t have an appointment you can talk to us. We’re all here for you,” he says while patting me on the back. When to descend to amend for a friend.

Notes