I woke up with a start the next morning and found I was coated in a thin layer of sweat. I felt chills running up and down my spine. My eyes were watery with unshed tears and I could feel my hands shaking. I was panting, trying to catch my breath. I was scared out of mind.
“Bonnie, are you alright,” Alex asked, ruffling his bed hair. He was in his Glamour Kills sweat shorts and was shirtless next to me in my bunk.
“I don’t know. Since my last attack, I can barely think straight without scaring myself. Now I just had the worst nightmare and I can’t describe it because it was so terrifying,” I sobbed quietly, being careful not to wake anyone else on the bus.
“It’s was just a dream. I’m right here; everything’s going to be fine. Just try to relax, Bonnie,” he cooed quietly as he pulled me against him and I nestled my face into the crook of his neck.
“I’ve been on the edge for way too long. With what happened with my last attack and how I freaked out when we were about to have an intimate moment, I haven’t been able to keep my anxiety from getting to me. I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams and if I’m not careful I could end up snapping and become an isolated shell of my former self. I can’t deal with that,” I cried.
“Bonnie, nothing will happen. I won’t let you fall. I won’t let you snap. I love you too much to stand by and watch you break. I’ve had moments like this where I’ve wanted to give up because I felt too weak to fight back. But I need you to promise me never to give up. You are going to fight through this and you will get better at handling your anxiety. I gave you that ring because it’s my vow to never leave you alone to fight the monsters that are trying to tear you down in your mind. Please don’t give up on me Bonnie,” Alex held me tighter as he tried to not cry.
Today was going to be a dismal day and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

---

When Alex and I finally finished getting dressed to start our day, Alex made me a bowl of cereal and sat down next to me on the couch with his own bowl. I ate maybe a couple spoonfuls of cereal before I felt sick to my stomach and couldn’t bear to eat anymore. Alex gave me a concerned look that I knew would stay on his face until I felt like my old self, the one he met and started falling in love with. But that was the Bonnie that had her crutch; I was now the Bonnie I was in middle school when I found out about my anxiety but ten times worse.
“Bonnie, is everything alright,” Nyssa asked as she and Jack were passing through the front lounge.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied to her. This time I didn’t give it away that I was lying.
“Well Jack and I are heading out for breakfast with his family. We’ll be back later. If anything happens, call us,” Nyssa hugged me before she and Jack left the bus.
“Come on babe, let’s go lay down for today until I have to go in for rehearsal,” Alex got up and guided me back to my bunk and helped me in.
Once Alex closed the curtain, I finally broke down and cried. Alex pulled to his chest and held me, rubbing my back and stroking my hair as he tried to calm me down in between soft kisses in my hair.
♪Alex♪
Bonnie is so frightened by everything and it breaks my heart to see her hazel eyes glassed over with tears that want to spill over her lower lids and down her cheeks. I can’t let her break. If she does, I would follow her. She is my lifeline now as I am hers. Since I helped her through her first attack since being with us on the tour, my anxiety came back. But I put my battles second to hers. I was not going to watch Bonnie get beaten by her monsters.
“Bonnie, everything will work out. When we get to stop for a couple days, I’m taking you to an urgent care clinic to get you more medication. I think going so long without it has caused something to change in how your mind works. I’m sacred for you and I’m afraid that if you have an attack that I’ll fall with you,” I told her my own fears, hoping it’ll help her realize that I have to take on stronger approach to help her regain her sense of security.
“Thank you, Alex. I know I’ll be like a zombie the first couple days of getting back on it. But it would mean a lot to me if I get my medication. I need to have it to help me recover. I’m scared of my dark corners. There are things back there that terrify me,” Bonnie sobbed.
“I know. You were scared out of your mind the last attack about your monsters. Do you want to tell me what they are so I can help you fight them back,” I asked her.
“I don’t think I’m strong enough to talk about them. I’m afraid that it’ll trigger another attack,” Bonnie sniffled.
“Then I can wait until you get back on your medication before we talk about it. Does that sound fair,” I asked her.
“That’ll work,” Bonnie wiped the tears from her cheeks before I leaned in to kiss her.
“I promise you Bonnie, I will help you find your center again. I don’t want you to be scared anymore. It breaks my heart seeing you like this,” I pressed my forehead to hers as a couple stray tears fell down my cheeks.
“I’ll fight to hold on for you, Alex. But if I fall, I may not be able to get back up for a long time,” she sighed heavily as she wiped my tears from my cheeks.
“I will help you through it the entire way. You won’t be alone. I won’t let you be alone in this. I love you too much to abandon you, Bonnie. You are everything to me,” I kissed her passionately, hoping to kiss away her pain and see a smile on her face when we’d part.
I was only greeted with silent tears and fearful hazel eyes.