Love Is Not a Choice

If I had the choice to wake up the rest of my life next to Jack Barakat, I wouldn't have to think twice about it.
Sure, it's not the first time we'd slept in the same bed. We'd done it since we'd started dating. But there was something different about it after I woke up from a night of him comforting me. I felt protected and safe. And that's what I needed more than anything after everything that happened yesterday.

I still wasn't completely over being kicked out. My dad was so harsh about it. He didn't even have to think twice about it. My mom and brothers didn't even say anything. My brothers had looked shocked and disgusted but the disappointment that was on my mom's face is what probably killed me most.

They all hated me though. Being told to leave and being called a fag was probably all I would have been able to handle. If anyone else yelled at me in disgust I probably would've broken down sooner than I had.

I think I could handle not being with them. Yeah, it hurt that my own family so quickly outcasted me but if being with someone that caused me so much more happiness than they ever could, it was probably worth it. And if not Jack, then some other guy in the future. It's not like my family would accept me back into their lives anyway. And if there was a chance, it was slim.

Jack's arms were around my waist and our legs were intertwined. I felt Jack hand lightly rub my back and my eyes drift open to see him smiling at me. “Stop staring at me, freak.” I mumbled and yawned.

“How can I not stare when you're so pretty?” he teased and kissed my nose. “How're you feeling?”

“A lot better.” I said. “Thanks for letting me stay.”

“I wasn't going to leave you alone.” I mumbled. “I can't believe how horrible your family is.”

I sighed. “It's fine.” I said. “They didn't give a shit about me anyway. I told them I loved you, y'know.”

“And they still kicked you out?” He asked, clearly surprised. “Like, for being in love?”

“Admittedly I was kind of vulgar, but still... it's not wrong if it feels so good, right?”

“In all fairness, I think you're way past the point where you can question this morally.” he joked and I slapped his chest playfully. “There's nothing wrong with it.” He assured. “It's love. Love isn't wrong.” he kissed my cheek. “And I love you so very much.”

I grinned. “Love you too.” I breathed.

“We better get up. My mom always makes a big breakfast before everyone else comes over for lunch.”

I nodded and sat up, stretching my arms over my head. Jack offered to fill his family in on what happened while I took a shower, which I agreed to. I didn't really want to explain something like this to people I'd just met.

When I was in the shower I was thankful to have the hot water on my skin. It weird how relieving a hot shower can be after such a bad night. I washed my hair with the shampoo and conditioner I brought and Jack told me I could use his Axe body wash. I was thankful to feel a lot cleaner after it, especially after I had spent a lot of time in the cold.

I waited for Jack in his room while he showered, sitting on his bed while playing a game on my phone, in a pair of skinny jeans and crewneck. I didn't feel like wearing too much layer since the heater was on.

The door opened and I glanced up to see Jack with damp hair.

“Ready to meet the family?” he asked. “Made them promise not to smother you.” he added

“Guess so.” I shrugged standing up and sliding my phone into my pocket. He held out his hand for me to take and I took it with a smile.

He lead me downstairs and I could hear muffled voices. I felt my heart race. Why was I so nervous, they were already excited to meet me. According to Jack they already loved me for simply being with him.

I felt Jack squeeze my hand. “It'll be fine.” he whispered.

We turned around the corner and I was met with with the smell of pancakes. I saw a table full of people, two of which I recognised from the picture in his room. Along with them were an older man and woman who were probably his parents, a woman sitting next to his brother and a man next to his sister, as well as a little girl that looked about four.

“Mornin'.” Jack said in a singsong voice, pulling me over to two empty seats. He introduced me to everyone. The man with May was her husband and the girl was Jack's niece Hannah, and the woman with Joe was his fiancee. They were all really nice and didn't bring up what happened, which I was thankful for. I thanked his mom for the pancakes she served me.

“Why aren't you putting anything on them?” May asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Because he's a freak and like to eat them dry.” Jack said.

“They're better dry!” I argued.

“See, freak.” he stated but smiled non the less.

“Whatever, you almost always have breakfast foods at dinner. So if anyone's the freak, it's you.” I retorted with a smirk.

“He still does that?” May asked. “I guess that's what happens when you live away from home, Jacky.”

“Don't call me that!” he whined, fake pouting.

“No, you're the baby of the family and as long as we're both breathing, I'm calling you that.”

I let out a snort, covering my mouth with my hand.

“I like you already.” May commented, smiling at me.

“You're meant to be on my side.” Jack argued.

I shrugged, grinning. “Oh well, maybe I just like May more.”

“Yeah, sure. Now eat your dry pancakes, ya freak.”

“Says the one that drowned it in maple syrup.” I smirked and continued to eat. Jack didn't retort, just continued to eat.

…

More of Jack's family started showing up around noon. They were all really nice and friendly. Jack did say no one in his family cared that he was gay but I did feel kind of out of place since I didn't know anyone. Jack stayed by my side so I wouldn't feel as awkward and I just stood with him while he talked to his cousins. I seemed to always follow him like a puppy just like at the earlier of the year but Jack didn't seem to mind when I did. His cousins even made conversation to me but I let Jack do most of the talking since he knew I wasn't much of a talker when I had just met someone.

While one of Jack's cousins was going on about a story I felt a tugging on my shirt and looked down to see Hannah. She was grinning up at me.

“Hi!” she said.

“Hey there.” I smiled down at her.

“Hey Hann.” Jack smiled.

“Why doesn't your family wan' you?” she asked frowning.

I looked at Jack, silently asking for help, trying to figure out how to explain this to a four year old. Thankfully, Jack jumped in. “Where'd you hear that?”

“Mommy said it to daddy how it was sad.” she frowned.

Jack went down onto his knees. “Well, Alex and I love each other a lot. Like your mom and dad do.” he explained. “But some people don't like that because we're both boys.”

“Why?” she asked, furrowing her brows and cocking her head to the side.

“People just don't.” he said. “But remember there's nothing wrong with two people of the same gender loving each other.”

She nodded. “So does that mean you're both pwinces?” she asked.

I mentally 'awed'. Little kids were so understanding I couldn't believe it. “I guess you could say that. Nothing wrong with two princesses either, okay?”

She nodded. “'Cause you 'wuv each other.”

“Exactly.” Jack grinned pocking her stomach and she squealed and ran off to play with the other kids.

When Jack stood up his cousin spoke up. “Oh, did you get kicked out of your home?” he asked, concern across his face.

“Stray from the Rae Christian Church unfortunately.” I admitted. At this point, I'd rather say it myself than let Jack do all the explaining.

“Shit.” he muttered. “I knew they were bad but that's horrible.”

“It's fine.” I shook my head. “It's not that big of a deal.”

“So how'd you get the goat out of your frat house?” Jack asked, changing the subject. His cousin went back into the story and Jack took my hand, intertwining our fingers.

…

Jack and I were going to go back to college tomorrow. We decided to drive with my car so it wouldn't be parked outside his parents house for God knows how long. It wasn't that long of a drive anyway. But there was one thing I had to do. I wanted to confront my family. After spending so much time with Jack's I'd really learnt how accepting people can be and I loved that. They'd practically accepted me as part of the family already. But I felt that it wasn't over until I confront them. I knew I'd be rejected, but I'd rather leave on my own terms.

And that's why I was sitting in my car in my hometown, outside the local mall. I knew where'd my family would be picketing today. Unless there was something else going on it'd be outside the mall.

I was parked near the front entrance where they were in clear sight. I stared at them for a moment, feeling my palms sweat under my gloves.

“Hey.” Jack said squeezing my shoulder. “It'll be okay.”

“I'm just... nervous.” I said, looking down at my lap.

“We can just go back to my place. We can watch movies and cuddle.” he smiled.

I shook my head. “I need to do this first.” I said. “Just hold my hand. That's all I really need you to do.”

He nodded and we stepped out of the car. I eyed my family and one of my brothers caught my eye. I bit my lip and felt like I was frozen in face. I felt Jack take my hand and intertwined our fingers and I instantly felt myself relax.

I looked at him then at my family, then started walking towards them, focussing on the sound of the snow crushing under my feat instead of my fast heartbeat.

When I was a few feet away from them, met with glares and looks of disgust, I spoke. “You can either accept me for who I am or I can be out of your lives for good.”

“You're disgusting, you know that?” My mom said bitterly.

“Maybe, but I'm happy.” I shot back, feeling my hand shake. Jack squeezed it in reassurance.

“I thought we raised you better than this.” My dad snapped.

I bit my lip losing any confidence I had. This was it. This really was the last I'd see of my family. The only people I relied on for so many years.

“You know what; fuck all of you.” Jack spoke.

“Excuse me?” my mom asked, clearly offended.

“He's your own son. You're seriously going to outcast him just because he's gay? That's awful!”

“No, your sin is awful.” my dad replied calmly.

“Look, I've never been religious, but can't you think for yourself and care more about your son's happiness than what some book says?”

“You are no doubt the one who changed him.”

“You know what, no.” Jack shook his head. “When I met Alex he was this quiet, reserved guy that was insecure about his sexuality. But ever since he and I got together, he's still quiet and reserved but so fucking happy. You can see it in him. And you're shit bags if you really can't accept it.”

“All that doesn't matter; it's still a sin.” my dad said.

Jack opened his mouth to speak again but I placed my hand on his arm. He looked at me confused. “Fuck it.” I said. “They're beyond reason.” I turned back to them. “Fuck all of you. Enjoy your miserable, bigoted lives. I won't be apart of it.” And I turned to leave, tugging Jack's hand. No one stopped us. No one yelled. We just left with only the sound of the snow crushing under our feet and me feeling relief to have finally cut off those strings.

Notes

Don't really like a lot of it but here it is. There's still an epilogue left and then this'll be done.
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