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Miserable At Best (Contest Entry)

1/1

4/30/2013
Two. Years.

It has been exactly two years today since he left me here, alone. I still don’t know what he was thinking, and how could I, since he hasn’t spoken to me?

What hurts even more is that the rest of the guys haven’t contacted me at all either. I guess I really was just that easily forgotten. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, god it hurts! But I suppose it’s getting better. It has to, doesn’t it? Time must heal all wounds?

I guess I just wish it wasn’t all being brought up again, and especially not like this. I’ve finally made the career I want for myself, writing for Alternative Press magazine. This article about All Time Low is my final test – and I cannot afford to fail.

Especially not because of Zack Merrick.

I sigh, shutting the journal and putting it in the lockbox where I keep all of my emotions; nicely organized, locked up, and hidden away from the world. I didn’t used to be like this. I was quite lively, and I wore my heart on my sleeve. I trusted everyone until they gave me reason not to.

But now, now I don’t feel like I can trust anyone at all. I can’t take compliments, accept friendships, and don’t even mention love. It doesn’t exist, as far as I’m concerned, outside of families. And even then, just look at all the broken families in the world.

I get dressed slowly, almost painfully so. I’m not ready to face them again; I’m not sure I ever will be. But it’s worth it. It has to be worth it.

I just wish…..well I wish I knew why. That’s all I could really every ask for, honestly. Who knows, maybe somehow today, I’ll get my answer.

I don’t understand how he did it. How he could just stand up and walk away from our love. Zack wasn’t my first love, and I wasn’t his, and that was fine with both of us. But I thought, no I knew, he would be my last love. And it’s true. I haven’t moved on, I can’t move on! I just….I don’t know if he has, and that scares me. A lot.

I lock up the apartment, walking down the stairs instead of taking the elevator to try and clear my head. Like I said, this has to be the perfect article. Perfect, or nothing will truly be ‘okay’ for me again. I did something to fuck up my personal life; the least I can do is build a successful professional life.
The walk to my building is short, too short. I walk in and remove my sunglasses, muttering a hello to the receptionist. On my way to my office/interviewing area, I hear muffled voices. Unmistakable voices.

“Sir, we really don’t want to cause drama, but if there’s any way someone else could do this interview, please….” Alex says.

I wait just as anxiously for my manager’s response. “I’m sorry boys, but really, Katie’s basically the best we have. And, this is her final assignment before becoming our full-time editor. It’s really too late to change. What’s the problem, anyway? She’s such a quiet girl; I can’t imagine any problems you might’ve had in the past with her.”

Jack’s unmistakable snort. “Quiet? Guys, maybe we have the wrong Katie.”

Good, maybe they’ll just leave.

Stop. Maybe this will be a good thing. Human contact, with people who at least used to care about me.

Fine. Just don’t expect me to keep picking up the pieces of you fucking up your life.

I sigh. I’m really getting sick of fighting with the voice in my head.

I’ve heard enough. I knock on the door hesitantly. Am I really knocking on my own door? Jack’s right – I never used to be quiet. I wasn’t shy or reserved. But Zack leaving changed that. The voices stop and the door opens slowly.

“Katie! Good morning. I’ll leave you to your work, and remember I need the article by Friday.”

I smile at the ground and murmur a, “Yes sir.” He walks out and closes the door. I put my bag under my desk and pull the notepad and question sheets out without making eye contact with any of the guys.

“Hello.” I say in a quiet, yet professional voice. “Let’s just get right to the questions, yeah?”

I don’t look up, but I still see the movement of nods from the guys. I figured this might be how this would go. I ask the questions I need to, still eliciting funny answers as always. Then, it happens. A Jalex question, something routine for anyone interviewing All Time Low.

“Gosh, why does everyone only ever ask about us?” Alex laughs, but there’s a tone in his voice I don’t like.

“Well everyone knows about Rian and Cassadee. What about Zack? Do you want to ask Zack about his love life, Katie?”

I freeze.

I told you soooooooooo.
“Maybe we need to take a break.” I suggest softly.

“That would’ve been great to hear before you fucking cheated on me instead, Katie.” Zack states angrily and leaves the room. Alex and Jack go with him.

“Cheat on him? What the hell are you guys talking about? You thought I was cheating?! That’s why he left!” I badger Rian.

He makes a noise of disgust. “Obviously.”

“I never cheated on him. I never could. What made him think that, what made all of you think that?” At this point I’m just desperate.

“Like you don’t know. Casey. You cheated on him with Casey.”

This would be laughable, if it didn’t hurt so much. “Really. Did I now? Because last I remember, I was spending time with Casey helping him come out to his family. You know, before he fucking shot himself. But you wouldn’t know about that, now would you? Because you all left.”

Rian’s face is one of shock, and so are Jack, Alex, and Zack’s as they walk through the door. Apparently, they were listening the whole time.

“What do you mean, come out? And shot himself? I saw all the proof myself, Katie. All the time you two were spending together, all the ‘I love you’ text messages?” Zack cries out.

Katie, it’s not worth it. You know they don’t care. Just finish the damn interview so we can leave already.
I’m sick of these people hurting you; really I’m just trying to protect you.


Stop, this is my life, not yours.

“Casey was gay, Zack. He didn’t want you guys to know because he thought you wouldn’t like him anymore. I was helping him out with coming out to his family and friends. He finally did, with his boyfriend, Michael.” To emphasize my point, I pull up a picture of Casey and Michael in a heated kiss on my phone and show it to them.

“His parents didn’t approve. They disowned him, and most of his friends said they never wanted to speak to him again. It was too much, and he shot himself. Michael soon after did the same. My best friend killed himself, and I was alone because you thought I was cheating on you with him.” I burst into tears.

“We’ll need to finish this interview tomorrow. I-I can’t think straight right now.” I stutter and get up to leave.
“I’ll be in touch.”

“Wait, Katie.” Zack says. “There’s just one thing I need you to do when you get home. Open the box, and look in the compartment.”

With that, I’m gone. I’m thinking about it the entire drive home, though. I can’t believe they thought I was cheating on him, with Casey nonetheless! The fact that he didn’t just say something…….ugh. I get home almost quicker than I came, and rush into my apartment. However, once I’m standing in front of the box, time stands still.

I open it with shaking hands, staring at the compartment Zack mentioned. Somehow, I manage to open it, and a piece of paper covered in Zack’s familiar scrawl falls out. I pick it up, starting to read.
Katie,
Don’t cry. I know you’re trying your hardest, and the hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared. Ocala is calling, and you know it’s haunting, but compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright. And when we look to the sky, it’s not mine, but I want it.

So let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight, I know he’s there and you’re probably hanging out and making eyes, while across the room he stares. I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance. She’ll say yes, because these words were never easier for me to say or her to second guess. But I guess that I can live without you, but without you I’ll be miserable at best.

You’re all that I’d hoped to find in every single way. And everything I could give is everything you couldn’t take, ‘cause nothing feels like home. You’re a thousand miles away, and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay. ‘Cause I know I’m good for something, I just haven’t found it yet and I need it.

So let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight, I know he’s there and you’re probably hanging out and making eyes, while across the room he stares. I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance. She’ll say yes, because these words were never easier for me to say or her to second guess. But I guess that I can live without you, but without you I’ll be miserable at best.

And this’ll be the first time in a week that I’ll talk to you, and I can’t speak. It’s been three whole days since I’ve had sleep, ‘cause I dream of his lips on your cheek. And I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I’m not that strong. I miss the lips that made me fly.

So let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight, I know he’s there and you’re probably hanging out and making eyes, while across the room he stares. I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance. She’ll say yes, because these words were never easier for me to say or her to second guess. But I guess that I can live without you, but without you I’ll be miserable at best.
Forever yours,
Zack.

Oh my god. He….he still loves me too? He really just left because he thought I was secretly dating my dead best friend.

It’s times like this where I really need Casey, or even Michael. But I can’t talk to them anymore, because they’re gone. Just like everyone else. With no thought of the consequences, I pick up my phone and dial Zack’s number. I hope he hasn’t changed it at all over the past two years.

Stop it, Katie. You know this is a bad idea.

How can it hurt me anymore?

Trust me. I’ve always been here for you, how can you just go running back to Zack?!

You’re not real; Zack is. Stop, leave me alone.

For now…

“Hello?” It sounds like he’s been crying as well.

“Zack, I- I don’t know what to say. I never cheated on you. I never would. I loved you – I still love you.”
There’s silence on the other end. “Katie, I’m sorry. I should’ve talked to you. I know you’re telling the truth. I just thought you didn’t need me anymore, and it hurt so badly. I can’t even put it into words.”

“I know Zack. I’ve lived in nothing but pain and numbness for the past two years, because when you left, you took everything with you. All my friends, except Casey and Michael, and look how well that turned out. They’re dead over a year now, Zack. I’ve been alone, completely and utterly alone, since you left, Zack.” He and I are both openly sobbing.

“Can the guys and I come over, Katie?”

My breath hitches. “Y-yes. Same place. I love you Zack.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

“I – I love you too, Cookie.” And he hangs up.

Cookie. He called me cookie, my old nickname. There’s….hope. There’s hope where there’s been nothing for so long.

How am I nothing, sweetheart?

You ARE nothing. You’re just my brain overworking. For the last time, just stay out of all this! You aren’t even real.

You’re treating me like I’m real. You’ve been treating me like I’m real for over a year now. Why the change
Katie? It hurts me, you know. All you’re doing is causing more pain in the world.


JUST STOP!
All too soon, there’s a knock on my door. I stand up, wiping the tears from my eyes, and go let the guys in.

We all awkwardly shuffle into the living room. There aren’t enough seats, so I sit on the floor in front of the fireplace.

“So, um, I know we’ve told you our entire story. Will you tell yours?” Jack says.

I sigh and begin. “You left. I was…devastated. Casey and Michael were helping me through it, as I had finally convinced Casey to come out to his family. About a week later, I got a call from Michael at about 3 in the morning telling me Casey had shot himself, and that he was gone. Michael moved in for a couple of days, until I came home from a job search and found him dead in the bathroom.

I had nothing but this apartment. Absolutely nothing. I just stayed here, cutting and drugging myself into oblivion, because I just didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I waited and waited for something from you all, but there was nothing. Until one day I got a phone call; Alternative Press actually wanted to hire me.

It wasn’t enough to make me happy, but it was enough to get me out of bed in the mornings. You guys are my final test, and if I do well, I’ll become an official editor. I’ve got nothing besides that though. You know my family abandoned me. You know that once it came out that I had been fighting depression I lost almost all of my friends. You still left. Casey and Michael both left, my fucking dog even died. And you weren’t here to help me anymore. No one was. No one is.”

I don’t know when I started crying, but I can’t continue talking through it anymore. I’ve not spoken, really, to anyone in over a year. Let alone to this extent. I bury my face in my hands, finally just letting all the emotion overtake me.

“God, Katie. If I had known…If I had known any of it I never would have gone. Never. I care about you too much.”

“Do you Zack? Do you really?” The words are harsh, even for me in this state. But I can’t help it; I’ll never be able to just trust automatically like I used to again.

“How can you even question it?” He asks, almost angrily.

I look him right in the face, and when he looks away I grab his chin and force him to look into my eyes.

“Because you left. You promised that you wouldn’t leave, you promised love that wouldn’t die but you let me die. I’m gone, Zack. You heard my boss, I’m quiet and reserved. Do you think it’s professionalism? No, it’s emptiness. I’m empty Zack. Empty because of you. That’s how, and don’t you even try to make me feel guilty about it. ‘Cause guess what else? I. Can’t. Feel. The only things I feel are a blade against my skin and a nasty hangover.”

He backs away. “No, no. This can’t be happening. Where’s Katie?! Where’s the woman I love?”

“She’s gone, long gone, and dead.” I say in a sing-song voice. Jack grabs Zack’s arm and leads him away, to his old room while Alex and Rian come and sit on the floor next to me.

“You’re not gone, Katie.” Rian reassures me in a quiet, but firm, voice.

“You’re right here Katie. You’re alive! That means your heart is beating for something.” Alex says with a hopeful smile.

I just shake my head and lift my shirt off, rolling the camisole up to my bra. They both gasp at the thousands of silver, purple, and red scars covering my thin body, with my ribs exposed. “Is it Alex? Is my heart beating? This doesn’t look like a living being to me. This looks like a cadaver, ready for
decomposition. That’s all I am. A shell.

I’m sorry for inviting you guys here. All I did was cause hurt. You should go; I can finish the article from the information I have. Have a good life you guys, and good luck. Let me go say goodbye to Zack and Jack.”

I’m standing up and walking away before either Alex or Rian can stop me, leaving them dumbfounded in the living room. I push open the door. “Bye, Jacky. Good luck with your career. Can you step out so I can say goodbye to Zack?” He looks confused, but steps out to where Alex and Rian are.

“I’m sorry, Zack. I never meant to hurt you. I want you to go live your life, be happy. You need it and you deserve it. Goodbye.” I reach out to hug him, but he swats my arms away, eyes wide in disbelief.

“No, Katie. I’m not leaving you like that again. I don’t know why you’re apologizing when I’m the one that hurt you. But I meant what I said in that letter. Without you, I’ll be miserable at best. Being apart has hurt you even more than it’s hurt me. I won’t do that to you again.”

Again. He has to say he won’t do it again, Katie. Don’t you remember how badly he hurt you? All the pain you felt for months and months. And who says once you’re ‘better’ he won’t just leave again.

But he promised.

He promised last time, too. Don’t you remember Katie? You had been together for about a month, and something sparked you telling him about your parents abandoning you. Right then and there he forced you to look him in the eye, made a pinky swear, and gave you a promise ring all on the basis that he would never leave, but he still went.

You’re right. I can’t trust him anymore.

“Why Zack? Why is it so hard to leave this time? I’m even asking you to go.”

“No Katie, you don’t want me to go. You said you didn’t, and I believe that, selfishly so, but also rightfully so. I’m going to stay, and the guys are going to stay, and we’re all going to get better. I promise.”

I snort. “Yeah right. And we can all hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’.”

He just shakes his head at me. “I don’t understand how you could have become this! So cynical and distant.”

I laugh. That’s not even the worst of it. I show him exactly what I showed Alex and Rian, and his eyes blew wide.

“If you still think you’re getting me to leave, especially after that, then you’re quite mistaken.”

“Fine, Zack. Stay. Try and see if I can feel again. I know I still love you, but I don’t know if I can believe that you still love me.”

“That’s all I can ask for, Katie; a chance. Thank you. I do love you.” And he hugs me.

“There’s just one thing, Zack. One more thing I have to tell you.”

Don’t do it Katie. He’ll try and take me away from you. Then when he leaves again, you’ll have absolutely nothing. Maybe that’s for the best. Nothing is what you deserve, because you are worthless. You made Zack leave, and you made Casey and Michael commit suicide. Haven’t you hurt enough people?

“No! You won’t win this time. Zack….it’s a voi-“

Stop! STOP IT RIGHT NOW; YOU CAN’T DO THIS.

“Yes I can! It’s a voice inside my head Zack. It makes me hurt myself; it’s what is making me try to force you to leave. Make it stop, please, make it stop!”
He holds me tighter and it shuts up. “Don’t worry, Katie. It will stop. I’ll make it, and I’ll be damn sure to stay here and protect you.”
~Months later~

I hum the tune of “Here Comes the Bride” as Cassadee assists me in getting dressed. I can’t believe it’s finally happening - Zack and I will be husband and wife in a matter of minutes!

With the help of my friends returning and a new therapist, I haven’t heard the voice in two and a half months. Sometimes, in a panic, I feel it creeping into my mind, but I’m strong now.

Love is strong; and Zack Merrick is my love.

As I enter the room following my bridal party, I’m happy to see members from some of the bands I’ve worked with as top editor of Alternative Press that are also friends with the guys are present. I’m happy, and it’s okay.

Then I’m standing there in Zack’s arms. The vows go quickly and without flaw, then finally, the words I’ve been waiting to hear. Zack, the minister, and I seem like the only people alive.

“You may kiss the bride.”

Notes

Enjoy!

Comments

@SammyKay97
Thanks for reading and hosting the contest! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
My heart hurts. This was wonderful though. Thanks for entering!(:
SammyKay97 SammyKay97
5/7/13
@SaraBethGaskarth
Thanks!
Oh my god.
Wow.
That
was
amazing
@BreakingJessie_x
Glad you enjoyed!