Your Mess Is Mine

I lounged on my porch with my face buried in a cup of hot tea when my father took a seat in the chair next to me. We quietly sat watching the sun slowly appear behind John’s house. He stuck his plate out in front of me offering half of his bagel but I shook my head, “No thanks.”

“Gotta eat”

“I will”

“What got you out of bed so early?”

I shrugged, “I don’t sleep much anymore.” We went back to the view momentarily, but knowing my father wouldn’t pry, I continued, “What would you do?”

“About what, kiddo?”

“Jack... And John...” I laughed bitterly, “My disaster of a life.”

“I think you’ve been through a lot for someone who’s only 26 and you’re doing the best job you can of coping with it.”

“I mean it, Dad. No psychiatrist babble.”

“I meant to ask you why I found a Dr.Rose shaped hole in our front door.” We both laughed, “I completely understand now.”

As our laughter died down, he took on a serious demeanor, “You just need to give yourself some time, sweetie. You’re still healing from a devastating loss... We all are. The person you’re supposed to be with will still be there when you’re ready.”

I half heartedly smiled, “Thanks Dad.”

As the sun rose higher into the sky, it sunk in that I wasn’t the only one in my family affected by Finn’s passing. Remembering the looks of elation on my families faces and the pure joy in Jack’s big brown eyes sent me other the edge.

My dad noticed and took my hand, “Hey, hey, talk to me.”

I looked at him, eye beginning to stream, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that wont go away...”

He tightly embraced me and stroked my hair until I calmed down, “You should go to Jack. He left you then but you’ve left him now. He feels that emptiness too...” When I didn’t respond he added, “I’m not telling you to get back together with him. Just see what he has to say. You’ve both experiencing this loss.”

Later that afternoon, I found myself in front of Jack’s hotel door mustering the courage to knock. Maybe my dad had been right, but maybe Jack didn’t deserve my sympathy after leaving me high and dry in the wake of the most tragic event I would likely ever know. I lifted my hand and pounded on the door before I had the time to change my mind.

Jack swung the door open, wide eyed and then smiled, “I didn’t think you would come.”

“I didn’t know if you’d still be here.”

“I made you a promise.”

“You want to get a drink?”

He nodded and followed me out the door.

After a silent car ride, we took a seat in a seedy bar peppered with day drinkers and drunks. The bar tender made their way down to us, Jack speaking up first, “I’ll have a whiskey and... Chardonnay?” He looked to me. I nodded as the bar tender strolled off.

“I remember the first time you brought me here.. It was right before I met your parents. You insisted on being drunk... It was cute,” He laughed to himself, “We were both so excited. It seemed like our whole lives were ahead of us.”

The bartender set our drinks down in front of us. I took a swig, “That seems like forever ago.”

“It was.”

I took another long drink, “How have you been?”

He cleared his throat, caught off guard, “Um... I mean... not great.”

“And the band?”

“They have someone filling in for me... I thought the label would have told you...”

I shook my head, “I quit.”

“What?.. That was you dream, Annabelle.”

“Not anymore. I didn’t love it like I used to... There’ll be other jobs. Other dreams.”

“Other than that, how are you?”

“Not great,” I gave Jack a sassy smile.

“I see,” he chuckled to himself, “I’ve missed that spunk... Always the spitfire.”

I smiled, seeing him laugh. “Can we be normal, just for a night? Be those people that met outside of that bar all those years ago?”

He slowly nodded, “okay.”

The sun had gone down by the time we stumbled onto the town square, whiskey bottle in hand. Jack sang and I sang along as I ripped my shoes off and hopped into the fountain. Jack followed suit, splashing me with his free hand.

“Hey!” I splashed back, starting a war. We were drenched head to toe when I stumbled into him, knocking us both over into the water. Jack put his hand on my face, hesitating even in his drunken state. I launched my head forward, breathlessly meeting his mouth with mine. He eagerly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me on top of him, deepening the kiss. I whispered into his ear, “Take me back to your room.”

Our stumbling bodies busted through the door, still dripping wet from the fountain. Jack scooped my legs up around his waist, plopping me down on the bed. He threw his soaking shirt aside as he placed kisses down my torso. I laughed, his cold wet hair tickling my belly, “You’re all wet.”

“Be right back,” he disappeared into his bathroom to retrieve some towels.

I stood, exploring his room - glasses at his bedside, old snacks off on a table, shirts strewn about in his suitcase. I pulled a familiar one from the pile remembering the last time I had seen it on him when a small box nestled in the corner of the bag caught my eye. I flipped it out and opened it - a diamond ring.

Jack reentered the room as I was dumb founded looking between the ring and him. “You weren’t supposed to find out like this.”

“Is this what you thought would fix us? Just give me a ring and it would make everything better?” I furiously threw it back in the suitcase. I turned on my heel and headed for the door.

“Annabelle, wait!”

“You know, I was thinking about giving you another chance, but not now. Not after this. You can’t just throw promises at someone and expect all of your problems to go away,” I threw the door open, “Always looking for the easy way out.”

“Just wait.” I turned to face him. “I’ve had it since before Finn was born. Before we even knew about him.” My eyes began to water. “I’ve wanted to marry you for a long time.”

I looked at him stubbornly, “That doesn’t change anything.”

He leaned back in the doorway and slid down the doorframe as he watched me go.

I traipsed up to my house damp and aggravated to find my mother and Mrs. O’Callaghan sipping drinks on the front porch. “There you are,” my mother called. “Jenny came over for dinner. John is in the back yard with your dad.”

I put on a fake smile, “Great, I’ll be right back.”

I stormed into my bathroom knowing my soggy appearance may have passed by my mom would I could never trick John. I began to freshen up when Lucy pushed the door open, “Where have you been?”

“I was with Jack,” I pulled my hair back into a messy bun.

“Oh really?... How did it go?”

“He had a ring.”

“Oh my god, that’s great!”

“No, it’s not. I’m not going to let him manipulate me.”

“Not everyone is out to get you, Annie. Just give him a chance. It may work out between you.”

“Says the girl going back to her cheating husband.”

“That’s not fair.”

“It’s the truth,” I stared into the mirror putting the finishing touches on my make up.

“You’re an asshole, Annabelle,” she stormed off.

My blood pulsed, emotions racing as I leaned against the sink, knowing I had been cruel with her. Lucy and my situations were nothing alike. My sister and her husband had simply hit rough waters while I wasn’t entirely sure that Jack and I were merely experiencing a brief dispute.

I headed downstairs with the full intention of apologizing to Lucy when I found John running wildly through the backyard with Charlotte and Aidan. Lucy approached me from behind and lightly put her hand on my back, I turned to her a smiled, knowing my sins had been forgiven an mouthed “I’m sorry”. She nodded and patted me, walking away.

As I watched John play with my niece and nephew I wondered if I could do this for the rest of my life. Life here in Texas felt familiar and comfortable with John at my side. Going back to Los Angeles with Jack was terrifying. Everything had changed the minute I had stepped foot on the plane and would never be the same. I no longer had a job, a family, or even a dream. Going back to LA would mean starting over. Staying here would be spelled out, safe, yet I still wasn’t sure which I needed.

Later that evening both families sat around our long picnic table passing around a plate of barbecue when John spoke up over the casual chatter, “So the band got asked to play a festival in New York next week. It’s kind of last minute, but we agree.”

“Oh honey, that’s great,” Mrs. O’Callaghan cooed.

My stomached dropped knowing I would be stuck in Texas for an extended amount of time without a support system or outlet of relief. I then immediately reminded myself that I hadn’t come to Grayson to reconcile with John and mentally punished for being reliant on another person once again. That was defeating the purpose of my retreat from Los Angeles.

I watched from the swing set as Lucy helped the adults clear the table. John took a seat on the swing next to me and rocked in rhythm, “You didn’t say much at dinner.”

I smiled, “Not much to say, I guess.”

“I know better than that... What is it?”

“Nothing, I swear.”

“I want you to come with me to New York.”

I turned and smirked, “What would I do there?”

He smiled, “Be with me... We’ll be doing press though so you’l have time alone... I won’t be smothering you.”

“I’m not worried about you smothering me, John.”

“It’s okay. I know how you are.”

Notes