There were Simpler days
27: Remembering
Hanna
Ian stands by my side guiding me through what’s going on onstage. Alex stands by the microphone.
“You know Jack? Have you ever felt like doing something just…. Completely fucked up?” He laughs and the crowd cheers for no apparent reason, Jack grins at him.
“You’re talking about the great sex you had last night right?” Alex laughs at Jack and looks out into the crowd.
“What do you fuckers think? Should I do something new? Fucked up?” He laughs and it feels like the earth shakes from the combination of the crowd cheering and Rian hitting every single fucking thing he can, Alex laughs.
“ALRIGHT!!” Jack yells
“Okay well you guys, Matt may very well kill me for this but recently we picked up a new crew member!” Alex nods and another uproar. Is this seriously just what they do? I feel Ian’s hand on my back.
“AND” Alex shouts regaining everyone’s attention “This new crew member, can fucking sing.” He grins and looks backstage “So I was wondering… If you guys would mind, if we could add one song to our set?” Jack looks at Alex disbelieving, Matt practically is standing yelling into Alex’s earpiece. “FUCK YEAH!!! Come on stage Hanna and bring the fucking acoustic!” Ian hands me the guitar. I take it in my hands and start to walk on stage, I can feel my knees shaking under me threatening to give way.
“HEY! Matt last time I checked I was your boss!” Alex laughs lightheartedly looking back at Matt. Alex turns to me and nods re-assuring I get up closer to him as he hands Jack his guitar, Zack pats my back as he jogs by off stage. Alex steps back from the mic. and grabs the neck of the guitar, and steps up close to me to whisper in my ear.
“Just look at me. Pretend we are just sitting in the folding chairs on the floor alone. You got this.” He talks quickly and the lights dim. Ian jogs on stage and hands me a mic. I nod to him as I hear the intro start just before Alex pauses.
“So you guys! I’d like to introduce you to my friend Hanna!” He holds his hand out in my direction, I wave nervously at the crowd as they all scream. I scan the people, some people are obviously high off of something, probably weed by the smell in the air. There are the hardcore fan girls who are up by the barrier who look up at me wide eyed. I see a girl who looks maybe thirteen of fourteen just in the front. She has Brown hair and tars running down her cheeks, She leans on the barrier and looks up at Alex and I wide-eyed. She reminds me of me.
It feels like I’m having one of those movie moments when your life flashes before your eyes. Only I just see myself as a fourteen year old. I remember thinking I was Chubby and unattractive, I had thought myself to end up being alone for the rest of my life and that any guy would be disgusted by me. It was also the age I discovered that I was bisexual. I was too afraid to admit it to myself or anyone around me, so I acted ridiculous. I hid myself behind a mask of craziness. I drove people away like that.
I walk over and sit on the platform in front of her, I glance back at Alex and nod as he starts to play. I lock eyes with the girl and smile at her. I say, though I know she probably can’t hear me over the noise, the amps, the crowd yelling the lyrics with Alex.
‘You’re Beautiful.’
I see a smile spread across her face and it feels like my heart is about ready to explode in my chest. This is how Jack, Alex, Rian and Zack feel when they talk to their fans. I don’t know if my words will ever make a huge difference on her. But I hope that maybe this girl might have a bit more confidence.
“… The neighbors said she moved away. Funny how it rained all day! I didn’t think much of it then but its starting to all make sense. Oh, I can see now, that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor. To find my whoever. Whoever she may be!” I look over at Alex and lock eyes with him as I start to sing. It feels like my heart has stopped.
“I’m not coming back. I’ve done something so terrible I’m terrified to speak.” Alex nods at me encouraging me, I feel myself falling apart at the seams “But you’d expect that from me.” I stand up and start to walk, my footsteps feel heavy as I step closer to Alex, “I'm mixed up, I’ll be blunt” I hear a voice scream my name from the crowd and I feel my heart burst “Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair…” My world breaks open, in the best way possible. I feel free, for once. “And out of my mind! Keeping an eye on the world! So many thousands of feet off the ground! I’m over you now I’m at home in the clouds! And towering over your Head!” I belt out the last few lines I have leaving the last word hanging in the air. I look over at Alex who paused for a second before continuing.
“Well I guess I’ll go home now…” I look out at all the people in the crowd my heart pounding in my chest as I look out at the people. The world shakes around me as everyone cheers. Alex stands up and pulls the guitar off over his shoulders and hugs me tightly. Before guiding me off stage for the intermission before the encore. I take a step off stage and it feels like a hundred hands and voices pat my back and tell me I did a good job. My head spins and my vision blurs.
“Whoa Hanna?” My eyes focus on Zack for a second before everything goes black.
Ian stands by my side guiding me through what’s going on onstage. Alex stands by the microphone.
“You know Jack? Have you ever felt like doing something just…. Completely fucked up?” He laughs and the crowd cheers for no apparent reason, Jack grins at him.
“You’re talking about the great sex you had last night right?” Alex laughs at Jack and looks out into the crowd.
“What do you fuckers think? Should I do something new? Fucked up?” He laughs and it feels like the earth shakes from the combination of the crowd cheering and Rian hitting every single fucking thing he can, Alex laughs.
“ALRIGHT!!” Jack yells
“Okay well you guys, Matt may very well kill me for this but recently we picked up a new crew member!” Alex nods and another uproar. Is this seriously just what they do? I feel Ian’s hand on my back.
“AND” Alex shouts regaining everyone’s attention “This new crew member, can fucking sing.” He grins and looks backstage “So I was wondering… If you guys would mind, if we could add one song to our set?” Jack looks at Alex disbelieving, Matt practically is standing yelling into Alex’s earpiece. “FUCK YEAH!!! Come on stage Hanna and bring the fucking acoustic!” Ian hands me the guitar. I take it in my hands and start to walk on stage, I can feel my knees shaking under me threatening to give way.
“HEY! Matt last time I checked I was your boss!” Alex laughs lightheartedly looking back at Matt. Alex turns to me and nods re-assuring I get up closer to him as he hands Jack his guitar, Zack pats my back as he jogs by off stage. Alex steps back from the mic. and grabs the neck of the guitar, and steps up close to me to whisper in my ear.
“Just look at me. Pretend we are just sitting in the folding chairs on the floor alone. You got this.” He talks quickly and the lights dim. Ian jogs on stage and hands me a mic. I nod to him as I hear the intro start just before Alex pauses.
“So you guys! I’d like to introduce you to my friend Hanna!” He holds his hand out in my direction, I wave nervously at the crowd as they all scream. I scan the people, some people are obviously high off of something, probably weed by the smell in the air. There are the hardcore fan girls who are up by the barrier who look up at me wide eyed. I see a girl who looks maybe thirteen of fourteen just in the front. She has Brown hair and tars running down her cheeks, She leans on the barrier and looks up at Alex and I wide-eyed. She reminds me of me.
It feels like I’m having one of those movie moments when your life flashes before your eyes. Only I just see myself as a fourteen year old. I remember thinking I was Chubby and unattractive, I had thought myself to end up being alone for the rest of my life and that any guy would be disgusted by me. It was also the age I discovered that I was bisexual. I was too afraid to admit it to myself or anyone around me, so I acted ridiculous. I hid myself behind a mask of craziness. I drove people away like that.
I walk over and sit on the platform in front of her, I glance back at Alex and nod as he starts to play. I lock eyes with the girl and smile at her. I say, though I know she probably can’t hear me over the noise, the amps, the crowd yelling the lyrics with Alex.
‘You’re Beautiful.’
I see a smile spread across her face and it feels like my heart is about ready to explode in my chest. This is how Jack, Alex, Rian and Zack feel when they talk to their fans. I don’t know if my words will ever make a huge difference on her. But I hope that maybe this girl might have a bit more confidence.
“… The neighbors said she moved away. Funny how it rained all day! I didn’t think much of it then but its starting to all make sense. Oh, I can see now, that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor. To find my whoever. Whoever she may be!” I look over at Alex and lock eyes with him as I start to sing. It feels like my heart has stopped.
“I’m not coming back. I’ve done something so terrible I’m terrified to speak.” Alex nods at me encouraging me, I feel myself falling apart at the seams “But you’d expect that from me.” I stand up and start to walk, my footsteps feel heavy as I step closer to Alex, “I'm mixed up, I’ll be blunt” I hear a voice scream my name from the crowd and I feel my heart burst “Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair…” My world breaks open, in the best way possible. I feel free, for once. “And out of my mind! Keeping an eye on the world! So many thousands of feet off the ground! I’m over you now I’m at home in the clouds! And towering over your Head!” I belt out the last few lines I have leaving the last word hanging in the air. I look over at Alex who paused for a second before continuing.
“Well I guess I’ll go home now…” I look out at all the people in the crowd my heart pounding in my chest as I look out at the people. The world shakes around me as everyone cheers. Alex stands up and pulls the guitar off over his shoulders and hugs me tightly. Before guiding me off stage for the intermission before the encore. I take a step off stage and it feels like a hundred hands and voices pat my back and tell me I did a good job. My head spins and my vision blurs.
“Whoa Hanna?” My eyes focus on Zack for a second before everything goes black.
Notes
Hey you guys, I hope you're liking how this is going. I might be interested in co-writing another fic with somebody, you don't need to be experienced, so if you're interested please contact me!also this is a visual of what she would be wearing at the concert: http://www.polyvore.com/hanna_concert/set?id=81362694
And what I said about the girl in the croud is really true to me. I considered (and still sometimes do) myself an ugly, fat and unnatractive person. I started hurting myself at that age and found music to be my rescuer at that age.
One day I was sitting in a mall crying because I had gotten news that my crush had found out that I liked him and he had said he was about ready to kill himself because I had a crush on him. A girl maybe in high school came up to me, and sat down next to me asked me what was wrong and I spilled my guts to her. She told me I should foget that asshole and that I was beautiful. I don't even know her name but she gave me confidence to be proud of who I am. I just wanted to share that little story with you guys and tell you how this chapter is personally significant to me and maybe inspire you to do the same to someone.
Love you guys xxxx
There is the beginning of sequel.
11/19/13