Oh Calamity!

Ash pov
“Well done, I didn’t think you would do that” Jack smiled, I shrugged
“They are ok” I smiled
“They are great guys, I know it’s hard for you getting used to living here, but you are doing really well” he said making me feel embarrassed again
“Thanks” I said looking down, he passed me a guitar and started showing me more stuff, he got me to practice,
“Can we stop for a bit?”
“Yeah let’s talk” he smiled “so why did you hide your art stuff then?”
“I didn’t hide it, I just never mentioned it, and I don’t always like showing people my stuff and you guys would want to look at what I’m doing even if it’s private for me”
“What do you draw when it’s just for you?”
“I don’t know depends how I’m feeling, sometimes random flowers I can use for school, sometimes family, sometimes I just sketch until it looks like something” I said looking down,
“Ok cool” he smiled
“I didn’t mean to hide it” I said quietly, I knew it seemed to bother them,
“its ok, you were hiding it but I get why, we didn’t want to show some of our songs to our parents some things are private, we won’t force you to show us stuff but it’s nice if you show us a little, you will trust us in time” he smiled
“I do trust you it’s just” I said pausing trying to explain how I felt, “there’s a lot going on in my head sometimes, it’s hard to talk sometimes, and sometimes I just want to keep everything to myself”
“That is called shutting yourself off, if you do that you will have us annoying the hell out of you” he laughed trying to make a joke of it
“I know if I do that Alex will get mad and make me have therapy” I said sounding more annoyed then I realised,
“you need to talk to him about that alone, he doesn’t want to do that, in fact it’s the last thing he wants, he will only do that if he’s really worried and you refuse to talk, trust me talk to him about that and he will explain himself” Jack said looking like he was stopping himself saying too much, I didn’t say anything.
“come on lets go down” Jack smiled I followed him thinking about what he had said, I sat with the guys, I knew I was quiet but I was thinking about everything, things were getting too much for me and I wanted to escape
“I’m going to go do some work” I said and ran off. I hoped they would leave me to my thoughts, I hadn’t bothered with my computer but I didn’t feel like going on there anyway, I got my pad out and started drawing, not thinking about what it was until it took shape I was drawing my mum, it was a rough sketch but I worked on it for about an hour, it looked less rough now, eventually Jack knocked and walked in I didn’t look up, I didn’t bother stopping or trying to hide it he didn’t walk over he stood at my door
“What’s up?” he asked gently
“Huh? Nothing”
“Well you look like your about to cry and I can’t see much but I’m pretty sure that’s your mum” he said still not coming closer,
“it is” I said putting my pencil down, looking at it, something was wrong with it, it was like I couldn’t get her right no matter how long I worked on it,
“What’s up?”
“I just can’t get her out of my head but I can’t picture her properly either”
“Don’t you have a photo to work from?”
“In a box somewhere I don’t think they were unpacked” I said quietly, I had wanted them since I moved but I was scared to ask,
“Why not?” he said walking over now kneeling down beside me, I shrugged “and that looks pretty accurate to me” he smiled
“Did you ask Alex to unpack them?” I shook my head “why?” I didn’t answer, I didn’t look at him, and I just concentrated on not crying
“ash you need to ask him, he is probably not unpacking them in case it upsets you, or you aren’t ready to look at them, trust me if he knows you want or need them he will do it as soon as he can” Jack said gently, I still didn’t look at him, “come here” he said putting his arms around me awkwardly, I lent in and he fell over making me fall out of my chair, I laughed a little and sat up
“At least I’ve got a smile” he laughed, I shook my head
“I’m serious though you need to tell Alex” I didn’t answer “Do you want me to?”
“No, I just don’t know how to bring it up, it’s weird”
“You need to be able to tell him when you need something, or bring her up for that matter, it will get easier but if you do it now it will make it a lot easier later on” he smiled
“Ok I will do it when everyone goes, I don’t want to cry in front of everyone”
“You know there is nothing wrong with that”
“I don’t like to” I said trying to end the conversation,
“Ok, that’s fine, but I will know if you haven’t” he smiled, I hugged him tightly
“I know I’m probably being a pain, but thank you” I said quietly
“be as big a pain as you like I can be a bigger one” he laughed, “that’s a promise” he smirked, I shook my head at him, I knew he was right, I didn’t follow him down he purposely left my door open, I had a feeling he would send Alex up, I didn’t shut it knowing Alex wouldn’t be long, I put my picture away just as he walked in,
“Hey” he said sticking his head through
“What were you doing?” he asked giving me a funny look
“Nothing” I said quickly
“Why did you look guilty?”
“You’re paranoid?” I said regretting it
“Ashleigh” he warned
“I was just putting some work away”
“You let Jack see it?”
“He didn’t give me a chance to move it”
“He said to come up, I know there was a reason but he wouldn’t tell me” he said looking at me, I sighed, I was going to kill Jack,
“Was it what you just hid or something else?”
“I don’t know, Jacks weird”
“Ashleigh do not lie to me, he would only say something if it was important and you know that” he said looking annoyed,
“He wanted me to ask you something” I said quietly, his face softened
“What? Why didn’t you just ask me?” he said his tone gentle,
“Erm to get the box of photos for me” I paused looking at his face, “the ones of mum” I said looking down,
“Why did he have to tell you to ask that? Did you think you couldn’t?” he said sounding hurt, I didn’t know what to say, “ash if you want to talk about her, ask me for anything please do it, don’t hide away, I’m never going to know you want them, I thought you would ask when you were ready, I didn’t want to make things harder, I’m sorry” he said upset
“I didn’t know why you hadn’t, I didn’t know if it was too hard for you” I said looking down and remembering what Jack said,
“He said to ask why you don’t want to force me to go into therapy, like there’s this big reason” he laughed and sighed,
“he would, ok me and your mum lost our brother when we were young, it was hard on both of us, but it sent me off the rails, our parents made me go to therapy, I refused to talk to anyone for a year, it was bad, I resented being forced into therapy when I didn’t want it, and if I can help it I won’t do that to you, if you want it then fine but I know right now you don’t, you need us to help you more, and if you let us then that’s what will happen”
“Ok” I said speechless.

Notes