Beep, beep, beep...that's what I hear most of the time. I know where I am. I am lying in a hospital bed. I don't know for how long I have been here. I can sometimes see myself from the outside, I think that's when my mind leaves my body. I cannot move and I cannot talk. I have this respirator down my throat, so even if I could talk I wouldn't be able to. My eyes are closed and there is no way I can open them.

I drift in and out of awareness and then I can hear what's going on around me. Like now. The beeping sound annoys the shit out of me but I can't do anything about it.

Tony's is here. Like most of the time. He holds my hand, talks to me and cries. It hurts so much to see him like that and I have tried so hard to press his hand back but my brain just can't seem to get the command to my hand.

It's remarkable how your senses are intensified once you take out one of them. I can identify the people that enter my room by the sound of their steps, the way they sound when they move, their scent, their breathing. I know who they are before they start to talk to me.
A while ago the doctor was in my room I can't tell you if it was hours or days or weeks ago, he talked to Tony.

"The operation went well, we were able to remove the bullet that was stuck in her hip bones. A couple of organs were perforated by the shot and we stopped the bleeding but we can't do anything else, they have to heel by themselves.

As far as we can tell there is nothing wrong with her brain, she is in a coma because of the extensive loss of blood she suffered. Think of it as an emergency shutdown of her body.

We hope that she will wake up when her systems have stabilised. She is on pain medication so she should not suffer, although we don't know how much the patient actually registers. We will have to wait and see, sorry that is all that I can tell you."

When the doctor has left Tony hugs me and kisses my cheek and cries again. Dammit! Please stop crying Baby, I am fine. I'm not afraid, I'm in no pain, I can't think as far as if I want to wake up, it seems complex thoughts can't be processed by my brain at the moment, so when I ask myself this question my mind stays blank.

When I am not aware, I am dreaming, I guess. I am dreaming of Tony, I like that a lot. It feels warm and fuzzy and safe.

.....

Sometimes Vic is here. He lays his head on my stomach and takes my hand and talks to me.

"Gi, I am so sorry, I shouldn't have let this slip. I should have asked you to tell me who the person was. We could have stopped him if we knew. Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were friends. Fuck, I just hope you will be okay.

I am really worried about Tony, I don't know how long he will be holding up. He doesn't sleep, he doesn't eat, I had to throw him out and order him to take a shower and get dinner."

Oh no, I don't want Tony to be like that. I want to cry but this also does not work. At least Vic doesn't cry, oh wait, I think he does.

....

I can hear Alex, he is very loud. "....nobody even told me that she had been kidnapped." He yells, pacing the room.

"Nobody had to tell me, because I have been there for her, unlike you." Tony shouts back though his voice sounds so tired.

"I wanted to but you had to start a relationship with her behind my back!" Alex sounds so angry and hits something, probably the table, with his hand.

"WHAT?, What are you talking about, Shut up Alex! The only one who did something behind someone's back has been you because you have a GIRLFRIEND, remember?" Tony sounds as if he is close to punching him.

Please guys, I'm thinking, stop fighting, I feel horrible not being able to shut them up, I start shaking lightly and I can't control it.

Beep, beep, beep, .... The noise gets louder. I hear Tony rushing to my bed. "I think it's time you leave Gaskarth." It's a killer voice.

The doctor comes in and there is some sort of activity around my bed, a button is pressed and the beeping stops. I drift away.

....

I hate my life here. Why can't I just die. There is no hope, no joy. I am locked inside a body.

.....

One time Ben comes in. He sits by my bed for a long time and just holds my hand. When I think he will just leave without a word he starts to speak. It is more a whisper.

"Gi, I have been thinking, I should marry my girlfriend, what do you say? I don't want to loose her the way I have been loosing you, I want to commit. I think you and Tony are the best. I am incredibly jealous but you guys just fit perfectly.
Please Gi just get better and wake up. We all need you here, do you hear me? Now get your shit together and actually make an effort."

He presses his lips to my hand and gives it another squeeze then he gets up and leaves.

....

Nobody is here. Where is Tony? Has something happened to him? Is he okay? I wait but nobody shows up. I get all worried. I don't know how long I have been here alone, this had never happened before.
I want to cry and scream for help, somebody please come and tell me what's going on with Tony.
I hate it. I hate that I can't move and can't see. I need to ... move!
My heart races and my hand jerks, something rips off, the beeping sound starts again. Yes! now somebody has to come.

The door opens and a doctor enters and .. Tony! Oh my god, I am so glad he seems okay. Oh Tony!

"She has ripped out the IV. That means she has been moving. We don't know yet if this was voluntarily but it is a good sign."
The doctor says.

"What?" Tony nearly screams. He is by my side in an instant and squeezes my hand to his chest. "Babe, I'm here. Oh god, Gi, I love you so much!" Then he starts to cry. I take all my willpower and try to squeeze his hand back and I think it moved a bit because Tony let's out a gasp and starts stroking and kissing my face. "Yes Baby, you can do it! Please wake up for me, I will be here waiting."

Notes

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