Dear María

We were now in Pittsburgh and two days have passed since Jack and Oriol told me Mikel was looking for me.
Yesterday, I stayed pretty calm, but today I had this horrible feeling in my gut something was about to happen. I could sense it.
I woke up so late the band had already gone to soundcheck and they were possibly preparing to go onstage, so I was left alone. Surprisedly, I found a little note next to my head when I woke up. I could read Jack’s childish and messy handwriting perfectly.

To the most beautiful living thing in this world,
Sorry I couldn’t wake you up sooner, I woke up late and Matt and Zack dragged me out of the bus as soon as I was dressed and didn’t even let me grab my phone :(
Hopefully Oriol could give this to you and you woke up next to this crappy letter.
Don’t do anything stupid and eat something.
I love you, blondie! <3
From the sexiest person you know ;)

I chuckled and I felt my cheeks turn red like a teenage girl. I smiled to myself as I got out of our bunk and walked into the kitchen. I just had my usual cereals because I’m that damn original and believe in cereal-power -nah, not really- and went to pick up an outfit.
I walked past the thermometer which showed the temperature outside and decided to go for shorts and a tank top. Once that was settled, I put my “All Access” pass around my neck and walked out the bus, greeted by the bus driver outside, who was giving Stella half his sandwich.
She was standing just by the edge of her fence, her neck stretched out and her ears pinned forward.
“Morning Jordan” I smiled, walking to my little shameless mare.
“Good morning, María” he smiled back.
I touched Stella’s nose and pulled her head back, “Stop annoying him, Stella, you already have your breakfast, right there” I pointed to a big bowl we managed to get out of the trailer.
She tilted her head and pushed her head into my chest, making me jump back. I chuckled and kissed her on top of her nose when I heard someone jumping off the other bus.
“Well, look who woke up!” Oriol exclaimed hugging me, “Did you read the note?” he smirked.
“Yes, I did” I started to blush, “Thanks for giving it to me”
“You’re more than welcome, blondie” I shot him a glare and he chuckled.
There was a brief silence.
“I think I’ll go to the youtubers’ tent today” I decided, “It’s been a few days since I haven’t been around and I really wanna meet some fans” I explained.
“Go ahead” Oriol smiled, looking for his pack of cigarettes in his pockets, “Just bring your phone with you, just in case” he shot me a quick concerned expression and finally found the pack of cigarettes and reached it out for me.
“No, thanks” I smiled, “I had a moody week, but it didn’t affect me that much” I briefly explained.
He smiled as he lighted up his cigarette, “Well” he exhaled, “You know I can’t live without nicotine, so…” we both chuckled.
“I’m going now, see you guys later!” I waved Ori and Jordan off and walked to the green youtubers’ tent where, as expected, there were lots of fans of mine which literally threw themselves on top of me. Teenage hormones. I loved them, nevertheless.
It was getting on for lunch when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The fans had been going and coming all morning, leaving to see their favorite bands and coming back to be hugged by me or Jason. It was pretty cool.
I turned around to see Jack looking at me with a mix of relief and worry in his eyes. I smiled at him and pecked his lips to reassure him I was okay.
“Hey, baby” he cooed, trying to control his nervousness.
“Hello, Jacky” I wrapped my arms around his neck, “Sorry for not warning you in advance” I apologized.
“You scared me a bit” he mumbled, “How’s your morning been?” he smiled at me and brushed some of my hair behind my ear.
“It’s been fantastic, but I missed you” I pouted at the end.
He kissed my pout and pulled me closer by my waist, I was very thankful the crowd had died down a bit around our tent or this would be interrupted by fangirls…well, fangirling.
“I missed you too” he pecked my lips again and we both smiled at each other. I rested my head on the crook of his neck and dropped an arm from his neck to his chest.
He kissed the top of my head when he leaned a bit and whispered in my ear:
“Wanna go for lunch?”
“Yeah” I pulled away a bit but he held onto my hand and pulled me to his side. I silently waved Jason off, who was busy with some fans, and walked with Jack to our lunch area.
As we were getting there I caught a glimpse of a figure between the PTV and ATL buses and mentally froze, but kept walking.
Ho ho ho, look who’s here!
I saw the figure smirk a bit and bit my lower lip to keep it from shaking, in case I cried.
I looked away from the figure and sat next to Jack, suddenly not hungry anymore, but the food looked so inviting…
No, stop right there.
You’re not hungry.
You’re fat.
Don’t eat.
Leave something for everyone.
They deserve to eat.
Not you.
I felt my knees shaking and kept my legs pressed together so they didn’t shake as much. I looked at the sky and focused on not to cry.
Don’t cry.
María, don’t you fucking cry.
Do. Not. Cry.
Why are you going to cry in the first place?
He hasn’t touched you or anything, he’s just staring at you…
Stalking. He’s not staring at me, he’s stalking me.
At least someone pays you attention…
I looked at Jack with pleading eyes but he wasn’t looking at me right then.
See?
I bit my lip harder.
Don’t you dare cry.
I knew I was being ridiculous; he was talking to his friends, he had to look at them, but my mind didn’t let me think straight.
He could at least put his arm around you, but he’s not doing that.
He doesn’t like you.
He pities you.
You’re just a charity case.
Nobody loves you.
I saw from the corner of my eye someone staring at me, probably Alex, so I put on a happier expression and took a bite of the food in front of me.
You’re disgusting.
No wonder Jack doesn’t like you; you’re fat as fuck.
Just lose some weight.
Cow.
Whale.
You make me sick.
I was starting to feel literally sick. The food I ingested started to go up my throat and an old and familiar feeling filled my mouth.
Don’t vomit now.
That’d be gross.
Everyone else is eating, have some respect, please.
A tear rolled down my cheek and I thanked God it rolled down the cheek which was covered by my fringe and nose. I wiped it off quickly and, when I saw Alex staring at me again, I acted like I was just fixing my eyelashes. I saw him shrug it off and mentally sighed.
Don’t let yourself slip like that.
That was close.
Be careful, asshole.
I looked down to my plate. There was so much food. I started to feel more sick.
“Babe, are you alright?” I almost jumped at Jack’s words, his hand on my knee.
Please tell me he hasn’t noticed me shaking.
I smiled at him and pecked his lips, “I’m perfectly fine” I lied.
He smiled back and pulled my chair closer to his.
He’ll break his arm if he pushes the chair like that.
He has to be extremely strong if he’s capable of pushing a chair with you on top of it.
You’re so fat.
I kept my happy expression on and ate the rest of my lunch, the little voice inside my head not shutting its mouth.
After lunch, Of Mice and Men, the guys from Tonight Alive and A Day To Remember came and they all played football, Oriol joining them as well. Jack asked me if I wanted to join or stay and watch, but I had to turn down his offer, telling him I’d ride Stella.
It wasn’t a complete lie, I was going to ride her… after taking care of my stomach.
You’re missing something…
What’s that?
Mikel.
I shuddered as I walked up the bus and quickly shut the door behind me. I walked into the bathroom and combed my hair with my fingers.
How has my life come to this?
I stared at my own reflection and saw a tear rolling down my cheek. I wiped it off and put my hair up. I closed the bathroom door, locked it and stared at myself for a bit more.
I wanted to smash the mirror so bad, but decided against it because I wasn’t the only one living in this bus. So I just spat at my reflection.
I kneeled in front of the toilet, my knees, I turned on the water and put my fingers in my mouth, looking for that one spot which would make me gag almost immediately. It took me ten seconds to find it and five more to start bringing my food up and out of my mouth.
After emptying most of the food I ingested I removed my fingers from my mouth and realized I had started to bleed again.
I mentally sighed and turned the water cold, splashing it on my neck and drying it off with a wet paper. Soon, the iron taste in my mouth vanished and I cleaning the bathroom; the spit on the mirror, any drops on the floor, toilet or sink. I gulped down any acid left in my mouth and, after two minutes, I brushed my teeth three three times.
I looked at myself again.
So damn disgusting.
Look at you.
Fat and ugly.
You need to purge to keep yourself fit!
Pathetic.
You are pathetic
And weak.
I broke down again, my legs failing and making me fall on the floor.
You’re such a crying baby.
Weak.
Fat.
Worthless.
Stupid.
Ugly.
W E A K .
Of all insults in this word, ‘weak’ was probably the worst insult someone could say to me because being weak was my biggest fear; when I started horse riding I hated having weak legs or arms, when I cried I hated being in front of someone else because it was a sign of weakness, I just couldn’t stand being weak. I felt so useless when I did. So fucking useless…
I cried harder and my hands gripped to the sink.
May be I was weak, after all.
May be I should just give up.
It would be the best option for everyone.
You are not strong enough.
Stop, please!
Oh… But we’re just getting started.
I cried harder, curling myself in a ball.
Go away!
You know how to make us go away, sweetie…
In my mind, the image of my metal object appeared, my dearest blade. I held back a sob.
No, no, no! There has to be another way!
You and I know there isn’t.
Unless you wanna go outside with Jack and look like a pathetic attention seeker and humiliate him in front of his friends…
Although… may be you run into Mikel…
I gulped, the idea of an alternative solution no longer in my mind. I looked up and my legs sprinted outside the bathroom, my hands trying to find my pencil case.
I found it and pulled out my little box inside of it. I ran back to the bathroom and locked it, opening the box, and sat down.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks and my mind wasn’t getting any quieter.
I pulled a thick blade out and started to aim it against my skin.
One or two cuts, María.
Be smart.
I did as my voice said, but when I looked down I felt like it wasn’t enough. I deserved more.
They’ll catch you.
Don’t do it.
Don’t be so stupid!
I tried to put the blade down, but a series of memories of how good I felt after big relapses rushed my mind and couldn’t stop my hand.
I stopped when my arm was covered in blood and I felt light-headed.
I sat there a few minutes, coming in and out of consciousness when I heard something bang the bus’ front door.
I jumped on my feet, immediately feeling dizzy, but started to clean my arm and the few drops of blood on the floor. When that was done, I unlocked the bathroom door and went to my bag, pulling out a thin long sleeved jumper which covered my arms perfectly. I went to the door but froze when I saw Mikel trying to open the door.
Open the door.
No! Are you crazy?!
I’m not, but you are.
I looked again and he wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
Run.
Look for Jack.
My rational and shocked mind started to order me.
I quickly slipped out of the bus when someone yanked my arm to a side and I felt a plastic on my mouth. I was turned around forcefully and came face to face with Mikel.
“Long time no see, Marieta” he chuckled.
I screamed, but my scream was muffled by the tape in my mouth. I couldn’t move my arms, my body was too shocked to move.
“Aw, you look so cute like that” he pulled my head up with his fingers in my chin, “Look at me when I speak to you” he ordered.
Tears started to well up in my eyes and I let out muffled sobs.
“You’re such a crying baby” he complained, “But if what you want is to cry, have this” with that he punched my left side which, despite being already healed, still were a bit sensitive to strong blows.
I screamed, but again it was muffled by the tape. He smirked and punched me three times more on the same spot before slapping me across my face and trying to punch my neck, but ended up punching my collar bone.
I took a step back and I was pressed against the bus when I heard a loud noise form behind the bus. From the corner of my eyes, I saw a grey, dampled figure jump over a small fence and galloping towards me and Mikel.
Stella stopped a few feet away from us and rotated on her spot. She kicked Mikel, sending him 1,5m away from me. I slid down to my butt on the ground and pulled my knees up, removing the tape from my mouth, and started to cry.
I felt Stella’s breath against my forehead before hearing her hooves against the ground -thankfully, the venue wasn’t paved- followed by a breeze and some screams.
I just stayed there, crying with my knees up to my chest.

Notes

So... I basically wrote a chapter which included relapse, purging and violence. Yay, me?
Tell me what you guys think!

SHOUTOUT TO @atlfan08, YOU ARE AWESOME AND THANKS FOR COMMENTING; YOU MADE ME REALLY HAPPY C:

Titlte credit: Scars by Papa Roach.