Dear María

It’s been a week since we got to Baltimore and Jack gave me a tour around the city; we went to the aquarium, to the zoo and, since summer was coming and the weather was nice, we even went to the beach some days. He insisted buying me a new bikini and convinced me he didn’t care about my scars.
“Jack, I’m not sure about this…” I I mumbled, looking at myself in the full length mirror in Jack’s room.
“Babe, you’re gorgeous” he put two fingers under my chin and made me look at him.
“But my scars are not” I replied and tried to turn around, but he put his hands on my hips and held me in position, I looked away.
“Mari, listen” I looked at him, “You don’t have to be ashamed of them” he gave me a small, sad smile, “They made you who you are today, definately not in the best way, but still” he looked at me in the eye, “Plus, I’ve seen them lots of times” he added.
“You just saw them, you didn’t actually look at them” I hissed.
“Trust me, I did” he frowned, and his eyes went to my neck, where I perfectly knew there was the evidence of a failed suicide attempt, "And it hurts me so much to see what you’ve done to yourself” I felt tears threatening to fall from my eyes, “I love you, baby” he hugged me tightly against him, I hugged him back and relaxed a bit.
“Well, you saw them” I insisted, “But not other people” I pulled away from his embrace but he kept his arms around me and let me rest my head on his chest.
“I don’t care” he kissed my hair, “They won’t say anything to you, anyways. And if they do and say something disrespectful or that makes you uncomfortable, I’ll make sure they learn not to mess with my girlfriend” he rubbed circles on my back and I blushed at the sound of ‘girlfriend’ coming from his lips. I smiled at myself softly.
“But-“ I looked up at him, but he hushed me, crashing our lips together.
I put a hand on his chest and he moved a hand from my waist to my neck, bringing me closer. We pulled away before he had a problem to take care of.
“We’re going to the beach, and no ‘but’s” he tried ot catch his breath and looked at me from head to toes, “God, you’re so hot” he kissed me again and I chuckled a bit against his lips.
“Alright” I giggled when he pulled away, earning a grin from Jack. “Just let me put on some shirt or something so we can get going”
He gave me another hug and grinned like a little kid in Christmas.
That was a few days ago.
Jack had gone to the chemist to buy me some extra ‘girly stuff’, like he said. I was pacing around the room, trying not to sit so I wouldn’t stain anything. I felt my phone buzz beside me. Unknown number. I frowned, but answered curiously. I stood up and paced around the room when I answered.
“Hello?”
“Guess who’s back” there was a pause. I froze in place, “Don’t make me chase after you again” Mikel laughed and the line went dead after that.
I shuddered, my legs failed me and I fell knees-first to the floor. My eyes started to blur as some tears started to form in my eyes. No, no, no, no, this isn’t happening.
I let out a small cry, tears running down my cheeks. I got up and locked myself in the bathroom, pacing the bathroom and focusing on my breathing.
This wasn’t happening.
María, I think we both know-
Yeah, I fucking know! But not now, not here, please.
Well, you fucking deserved every punch and slap, to be honest...
My mind started tormenting me until I couldn’t take it anymore and quickly turned around and grabbed my pencilcase, looking for something restlessly. I pulled out a small box and opened it carefully. Finally, got it! I sighed to myself.
I picked out a razorblade from the box and stared at it for a bit. I rolled up my thin sleeves and sat on the floor. I was about to press the blade into my flesh when my eyes caught sight of Jack’s box of condoms in the bottom shelf.
Jack. Oh, god, he’d be dissapointed if he saw what I was doing. And he’d be even more dissapointed with himself for not being there for me at the right time.
I started to cry and then I did something I never thought of being capable of: I threw the blade across the bathroom and took my shoes off before sitting on the bathtub and rolled down my sleeves again, keeping my hands to myself so they wouldn’t do anything stupid.
I cried for what felt like hours until I heard someone open the front door and a pair of feet rushed upstairs.
“María! I need to talk to you!” I heard Jack’s happy voice at the other side of the door.
“Yes?” I answered, trying to control my voice.
“Babe, what’s up? Open the door, please” Jack asked, suddenly concerned. I heard him walk to the bathroom door and felt him press his body against the door.
“I’m fine, I promise” I said. That wasn’t a complete lie, I was fine, but maybe not in the best way.
“Baby, please let me in. I know you’re not fine” he insisted in a soft tone, “Please” he begged.
“Sorry” I managed to say. I didn’t want him to see my break down.
“Fuck, María! Please, if you don’t open it I will myself!” I felt him get closer to the door. He couldn’t see me like this but I had no choice.
I sighed and I leaned over the edge of the bathtub to open the door.
Jack rushed inside and spotted me in the bathtub and hugged me tightly whilst he started to kiss my forehead and my left temple. He then spotted the blade on the floor and looked at me. I looked away from his gaze.
“María…” he frowned. He instictively rolled up my sleeves but found nothing. I didn’t dare to look him in the eye and rocked myself, backwards and forwards, in the bathtub. “Where did you cut?” he asked softly.
“Nowhere” it came out as a distant call, not even a whisper. I cried more and Jack put his fingers under my chin and made me look at him.
“Don’t lie to me” he looked hurt, but spoke softly and tried to look calm.
“I’m not” I cried louder and buried my face in his shoulder. He raised an eyebrow but hugged me.
“You didn’t?” I shook my head, “Then why there is a blade on the floor?” he sounded curious and even more concerned now. I took a deep breath before answering.
“M-Mikel c-called and told me he was c-coming b-back. I-I instintively went t-to cut, b-but then w-when I was about to d-do so, I-I saw that” I pointed to his box of condoms, “I-I started to think about y-you and h-how you’d feel about me r-relapsing a-and broke down crying and th-threw the blade away” I explained, stuttering because of my crying.
Jack seemed to be taking his time to take in what I’d just said.
“Really?” he asked, his voice seemed to be happier. I nodded and he hugged me tight against his chest, we stayed like that for a bit until Jack spoke again.
“I don’t know what to say, to be honest”
“Sorry” I mumbled.
“For what?” he looked down on me with a frown.
“For being so weak and such a fucking failure of a girlfriend” I cried.
“Don’t ever say that” he hugged me tighter, “I’m speechless because I don’t know what to say...” he paused for a second, “I’m so proud of you, babe”
He kissed my hair and pulled my head up to kiss my lips softly whilst his right hand cupped my face and his thumb wiped away my tears.
“You’re not mad at me?” I whispered.
“Of course not!” he held me tighter, “I can’t imagine how hard it’d been for you to throw it away from you”
He pulled away and looked at me in the eye. His eyes sparkled with pride and love. I blushed and kissed his lips, he opened his mouth so I could access his mouth wihout permission and our tongues danced together.
He pulled me up and sat me next to the sink. We pulled away to breathe and just stared at each other’s eyes.
“I love you” he whispered against my ear, sending chills down my spine.
“I love you more” I kissed his cheek and then pecked his lips and the tip of his nose.
“Mhm” I smirked at him in a teasing tone, “Are you gonna give me my ‘girly stuff’ now or-?” he pecked my lips and walked to the bathroom’s doorway, getting my supplies and leaving me to take care of the rest. When I finished, I remembered something.
“You wanted to tell me something?” I asked softly, walking out of the bathroom and meeting Jack at the door. His face lit up and nodded.
“Oh, yes! I-I was going to ask you…” he cleared his throat, “Well, we’ve been together for a very long time, a little bit more than a year as an official couple, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to move in with me? Live together?” his eyes were sparkling with hope and almost begging me to accept.
“Of course I’d want to live with you!” I kissed him deeply, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer to me. I felt him smile into the kiss before kissing me back.
“I love you so much” he whispered in my ear when we pulled away.
“I love you too, Jacky” I wrapped my arms around his neck and pecked his lips again, making my stomach turn in every single good way possible.
We pulled away and he hugged me tightly against his chest, I imagined he was trying to hide a blush and smiling like an idiot, but I still felt safe in his arms.
Idiot or not, he’s my idiot and I couldn’t be more grateful I found someone like him.

Notes

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Title credit: Moving On by Asking Alexandria.