Dear María

Today we were going back home, to Baltimore. It’s been five days since our talk and she still hasn’t talked about it to me and it was frustating me.
Why did Alex ask her? When? What happened? What was her reaction? I wanted to know the truth! It couldn’t be that bad...
We were on the road and everyone, except a certain blonde, were watching Peter Pan.
“Jack” I heard Alex call me, I turned to him. He looked concerned about something.
“Yeah?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I need to talk to you” he looked around, “About María” he bit his lip with a frown.
“Alright”
I stood up and walked to him, he lead me to the back lougue and we sat down. We were in silence for a while until I turned to him.
“What’s up with her, Lex?” I asked, a bit desperate. “Shit, she’s been acting a so strange lately. And, honestly, it’s freaking me out- Fuck, I sleep in the same bunk as her every night but she won’t talk to me!- I’m just so worried, Lex. Please just tell me what’s wrong” I turned to him, Alex was staring at me, worry all over his face. He looked away when we made eye contact.
“You won’t like it” he said.
“I don’t care!” I whisper-shouted, “First of all, when did you ask her if she was pregnant?” he turned to me, a bit sad.
“That night you we all got shit faced except her and Rian” he started, “I woke up to get some advil, it was very early, maybe 3am or something, and I heard something from the bathroom, so walked over there when I realised it was someone throwing up. I thought that was you or Zack and started to walk back to my bunk, when I realised the noise had stopped and that person was taking its’ time, so walked to the door again.
“Then the door opened and María walked out. I thought about how weird she had started to act recently, how much she ate compared to other days, her usual walks to the bathroom and everything, and her slight mood change. I thought she was pregnant so I asked her about it, but she refused to tell me and I insisted and directly asked her if she was pregnant and I explained some facts to her when she- Jack, you need to know this” I looked at him, “She had a panic attack” he paused to let the news sink in. It wasn’t like it was something that dramatic, but she never told me about it.
“A panic attack? Does that mean she has anxiety or some issue?” I looked at Alex.
“Well, not necesseraly, but by the way I saw it, how she acted and everything, I think she may have anxiety. Also, you need to consider another thing that I discovered just after that” I looked at him, almost urging him to tell me what he needed to tell me with my eyes, “Well, I asked her why she was throwing up if she wasn’t either drunk or pregnant, and when she just answered that something made her feel sick with the most fake voice in the world, I kind of figured out she-“
“Has an eating disorder” I mentally slapped myself. Since the day I went to Barcelona I’ve been seeing small symptoms of an eating disorder and I haven’t been capable of putting the pieces in the right place, I’ve been so stupid! Self harm, suicidal, depressed, abused… It was obvious she’d have so eating disorder, and anxiety. I saw her break down in a competition once! “Shit, I’m so stupid. How could I be so blind?” I buried my face in my hands.
“It’s not your fault, Jack” he tried to soothe me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I looked up to him.
“We made a deal. I wouldn’t tell you if she told you by the end of the tour” he paused, “But by the way she’s been acting recently, I’ve seen she isn’t going to tell you, so I decided to do it myself” he concluded, “She told me you were the one thing she couldn’t lose"
“She won’t lose me” I stated. How could she think that? I loved her with all my heart! I shook my head, "Thanks, man” I smiled weakly at him.
“You’re welcome” we sat in silence, “What are you gonna do now?”
“I don’t know” I sat up, “My plan was to go to Baltimore with her, spend some time there and do stuff, but now… it’s a bit fucked up” I sighed.
“Do that” I looked at Alex, “You know what happened the last time you went seperate ways without sorting things out, just stay with her”
“You’re right” I sighed again and stood up, “Thanks, again”
“No worries, just go with your woman” he smiled.
He slapped my shoulder and I walked to he bunk area. I found her sitting up, at the end of our bunk, hugging her legs in a corner. I sat next to her, closing the bunk behind me, and wrapped my arms around her.
“Babe, we need to talk about it” I said softly.
“What’s the use?” she whispered, “You already know”
“But I need to hear it from you” I tried to reason, pulling her closer to me.
“Stop it, Jack” she shot me a tear-stained stare. Her eyes, despite the dim light in the bunk, I could see they were puffy and red, there were several tears rolling down her cheeks and I felt a sudden urge to wipe her tears and kiss her.
“No, I won’t stop it” she tried to lower her head, but I put two fingers under her chin and made her look at me, before she could protest, I crashed our lips together and cupped her face with my hands. We pulled away for air and I felt her staring at me, “You won’t lose me, I promise”
“Jack-“
“No, shut up for a second, please” I interrumpted her, “I love you, okay? And I don’t want to go back to Baltimore and letting you go to Barcelona on your own because last time that happened, it became worse. And I don’t want to be constantly worrying about you relapsing, or throwing up again, or attempting suicide again, alright? I wouldn’t handle that” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into a bear hug. She buried her face in my chest and she stretched her legs and wrapped her arms around me.
“I just don’t wanna lose you” she sobbed.
“You won’t” I kissed her hair and rubbed soft circles on her back.
“I feel like shit right now” she said when she started to calm down, “I’m sorry for not telling you”
“Don’t apologize. I should've know better” I shook my head, disappointed with myself.
“How?” she pulled away and leaned her head on my shoulder, looking at me with sad eyes. I hated seeing her like that and tried my best to make her smile.
“First of all, when I went to Barcelona, you refused to eat pizza” I put a happier voice, “And no one in their healthy mental state declines pizza” I said with a sassy tone, making her chuckle.
"That’s the reaction I was looking for” I smirked.
“How do you do it?” she smiled at me.
“What?”
“Make me happy when I’m not at my best” her eyes sparkled a bit and I saw some tears starting to well up in her eyes.
“That is top secret, my lady” I winked at her, “I guess it’s my effort to make you smile working” I pecked her lips and cupped her face with my left hand and wiped away her tears.
“I love you so much” she looked away from me, “I don’t even deserve you” she whispered.
“Don’t ever say that” I said seriously, “You deserve someone who makes you happy” I pulled her closer to me.
“Thanks, Jack. For everything” she put a hand on the opposite side of my neck.
“It’s nothing. I really wish I could do more for you” I caressed her arm. “But you have to tell me some things”
“Like what?” she asked softly.
“How long have you been doing this?” I asked softly, afraid I’d make her cry.
“Ten years, almost eleven” I felt her arms wrap around me tightly, afraid I’d go away.
“May I ask why?” I said before kissing her hair.
“Well, I told you I wasn’t the prettiest teenage girl, right?” I nodded, she pulled out her phone and showed me a picture of, what I guess was her in her teenage years, and she was nothing like she described; her acne wasn’t that bad, she wasn’t at all fat, just curvy and sexy as hell, and her hair was short but it suited her. “I have to admit I wasn’t that bad, but I didn’t really have a lot of self esteem” she looked away, “And I did try to lose weight the healthy way, but I thought it wasn't working and binged a lot, so I went the unhealthy way and set myself some guidelines” I heard her voice crack.
“If this cheers you up: teenage Jack would bang you anyways” I smiled and kissed her temple, I felt her smile against my shirt.
“You have such a way with words” she murmured. I laughed and pulled her up with my arms to kiss her lips.
“And your obsession with sushi is in those ‘guidelines’?” I asked.
“Yep, my guidelines only consist in having a small breakfast, drinking a lot of milk, no dinner, and only having lunch if I’m doing exercise later”
“And why sushi?” I asked, now a bit curious.
“Because it has carbohydrates, proteins, iron, fruit, vegetables and vitamins which keep me alive and, considdering how much stuff it has, it had a good number of calories which are easy to burn” she said simply.
We were in silence for a few seconds.
“How much free time did you use to come up with all of this?” I chuckled a bit. It was good thinking, I’ll give her that.
“Three days, and I’ve been following those guidelines ever since, until these past weeks, when I… kind of broke them” she looked disappointed with herself when she was finsihing to say that.
“And where’s the throwing up thing in your guidelines? You didn’t mention it” I pointed out.
“Anything out of my guidelines has to be thrown up. I thought it was simple” she answered.
It took me a moment to let it sink. She had some healthy/unhealthy guidelines, which were cautiously thought of, and they were fine, except the throwing up part and the not eating unless she was exercising later.
“Well, you’ll need to change those guidelines” I sighed, trying not to smile.
“Why?” she frowned.
“Because” I paused, “You’re going to Baltimore with me and I’m not accepting any guidelines in my house, got it?” I smirked.
“Who said I was staying in Baltimore?” she raised her eyebrows at me.
“Me” I smirked. She was completely serious, but I knew that deep down, she was liking this, “Now shut up and kiss me” I leaned down, moving her to the middle of the bunk, her legs at the end of the bunk and laying her down. I was about to kiss her when she stopped me with her hands on my chest.
“You didn’t just use a lyric from one of your songs” she giggled.
“Yes, now shut it” I pressed my lips against hers, my body hovering over hers, whilst we moved in synch and I asked for entrance. She gladly granted me access to her mouth and I liked her roof, and felt her moan softly.
“I fucking adore you” I whispered when we pulled away for air.
She chuckled and I kissed the tip of her nose, her cheek, and her lips. I laid next to her and she cuddled next to me.
Soon we both fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Notes

Hey, so I'm starting to plan three new fanfiction (I said plan, not write) and sorry for not updating a lot, there isn't a lot of Internet and the only place I can upload is at my grandmother's house and I can't stay there 24/7, so yeah... Also I'm hooked on two TV shows right now, so that kind of distracts me when I'm wirting.
How are you gusy liking it so far?

Title credit: Teen Idle by Marina and The Diamonds.