Dear María

After Jack’s call I was completely shattered.
The whole thing of him being drunk and telling me he was sorry, he missed me and that he knew about Mikel and I had just been too much for me. Part of me was glad, because if I ever decided to give him an explanation, he’d already know some bits of the story, but the other part of me was scared, horrified and and mostly shocked and wanted to push him away again.
After all, things went smoothly without him. I guess I’d survive.
Yeah, sure. You’ll survive by yourself; cutting and not eating and puking when you do, ha! I scoffed to myself.
Well, maybe my way of being ok by myself wasn’t the best, but… I don’t know, it felt a bit alright; not completely out of place.
I was battling between pushing him away or letting him in when I came across an interview, in whish he stated he was happy and single. I read the date, it was from the day we got into a fight, but my brain for some reason wanted me to forget about it, discarding it as something important or essential for my life. I guess those were my depressive instincts acting.
So I was currently back in Barcelona and Ruben and the rest of the guys were back to Madrid, Olga left to Girona and Oriol… well, he was in the equestrian center, so at least I had him. He was the one I trusted the most.
Right now I was at Hipica Collserola doing Stella’s hoofs. She obediently gave me her hoofs whilst she was tied to a pole in front of her paddock’s fence. I had already brushed her body, mane and tail, taking the chance to cut her tail a bit. I normally cut her hair in an uneven way, I didn’t like those straight haircuts some horses had.
I went into a the little house in front of the paddocks and got her saddle and briddle. I put her saddle first and then her briddle. She was a bit hesitant before letting me put her briddle, but she opened her mouth eventually. I looked at the clock in the house. Ten more minutes and we’d go somewhere with Oriol, probably for an excursion as we were told to bring backpacks.
Surprisely, when we got to the arena, our meeting point, we saw lots of other young riders about my age, all of them with a small water gun in one hand and a bigger water gun in the other one. I looked at Oriol confused. He was standing up on the fence, higher than the horses and spoke up.
“For celebrating our high positions in the previous competitions, we’re having a big, massive water fight. It’s not going to be here, though because we all know you fuckers need more space to run and do your thing” we all laughed.
“So, we’re dividing into two teams, and just so you know, I’m in this aswell, so if any of you touch me even the slightest bit with water, you’ll be dammed.” he said in a fake threatening voice.
“Ok, now, let’s settle the teams” he paused,
"First team! Adriana, Marta, Michael, Montserrat, Laura, Josh, Matt, Andrea, María and Carlota.” he named.
Carlota was another instructor who I really liked. She was a bit shorter than me and a bit more muscular, she had proper womanly curves and a light tanned skin. She had bright hazel eyes and brown californian hair. She was kind and bubbly and once she opened that mouth of hers, she didn’t shut up.
They called the next team whilst our team gathered around Carlota.
“Ok, this is the plan: María, Adri, Michael and I go for Ori and two other people. The rest of you try to go for two or three as well” we all nodded.
We, optionally, had to jump over obstacles in a big field near the equestrian center. We had water balloons and water guns. There were also tents placed randomly around the field with alcoholic drinks so we could have a bit more of our fun. All of us were twenty-three or older, so that wasn’t a problem.
I was galloping as quietly as possible behind Ori with a balloon in hand.
“Ha!” I shouted when I threw it.
Oriol turned around to face my balloon. The balloon exploded and Oriol, after taking a sarcastic deep breath and opening his eyes, shot me a playful glare. His mare, Desmona, got a bit scared but calmed down. She and Stella were quite good friends, surprisely.
She was an brown sorrel mare with a white spot in her forehead. She was sassy and a bit cheeky, like all mares, but she was very sweet with Oriol.
“Oh, you didn’t, Mussons!”
“Yes I did!” I shouted, taking a sip of my bottle of Jack Daniel’s. I turned Stella around and ran off, Oriol chasing after me with Desmona. We kept throwing water balloons to each other endlessly.
The rest of the night went on with insults, fake threats, laughing and getting wasted. I drank my sorrows away on top of my guardian angel, so I knew I was safe.
Deep down, something told me Jack would move on. He’d forget about me eventually and find someone better, someone who’s not depressed as fuck and cannot get over their own past. He deserved it.
I’ll never be good enough.
For him.
For anybody.
I’ll just never be good enough.

Notes

Hey! I'm having an awesome time riding with Igor you can't even imagine. He's my little plush and I'm so happy. He was actually the first horse I've ever ridden in Hipica Collserola and the first time I was ever bucked off, I didn't want to ride the same horse again, but instead rode him, so we kind of have a bit of story.
I just love him and you guys so much I can't even thank you!
Thanks for your comments, keep them coming, they give me motivation to continue with this.
So, yeah, I'll to to upload as quick as possible, sorry for taking so long!

Title credit: Closure by Asking Alexandria.