Nobody was noticing I was getting so fucking bad again. Stella however had, she’s Stella, if she didn’t notice, nobody would notice.
My bruises from last competition were pretty bad, but nothing that wouldn’t go away, I’ve had worse thanks to Mikel.
Everyday was a struggle and I couldn’t keep my mind off Jack. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. I dreamt about what we could’ve been; married, with children and happy. Wow, happiness. I haven’t felt that in a very long time. Except from the moments Jack and I had had together, the only time I felt truly happy was when I was three and don’t remember why, I just remember I was happy once.
Lately, in my spare time, I stayed near Stella and listened to the same song over and over again. It soothed me. The singer’s voice was soft and, if you listened to her words the song sounded sick, yet still beautiful.
I was constantly wondering what was he doing right now. Did he move on? Sure he did, I was an easy step on the way and he had better things to do than just take care of a helpless girl who couldn’t get her shit together.
We were currently in Copenhagen and the competition was tomorrow. I was in the training arena with Stella, Ari and her horse Oteado, an andalusian stallion, and Montse with Noble, a chestnut arab. Oriol was in the centre of the arena and walking around like he did when we were having class.
“Montse, shorter reins!” he called. No, please, don’t start, Oriol.
“María, put a bit more of blood, she’ll fall asleep!” A bit more of blood. He always said that to tell us to put a little bit of effort or to say we needed more energy. It was quite ironic because this morning I harmed myself again.
“Ari! Two kicks, please!”
"Oriol, cut the shit, we know you’ve missed having a normal class with us, but just wait until we get to Spain again.” I shouted playfully. We all laughed.
“Yeah, especially with you guys I’ve missed having classes” he answered sarcastically.
These are those moments in the arena I miss when I’m alone, feeling like I’m part of something big and in a family environment, even though they’re far from being my family.

---

“I’m gonna fuck it up”
“No you’re not”
“Yes I am”
“Ugh, María, come on!”
We were watching other riders compete in the arena, jumping over huge obstacles. No way I was jumping that.
“You only think you can’t because you’re ground level, you’ll see. Once you jump on Stella, you’ll see they look smaller” Montse tried to cheer me up.

“Next rider: María Mussons riding Stella”

“Good luck” Montse playfully slapped my shoulder.
“Thanks, I’ll need it” I said as I sat on the saddle and shortened my reins a bit.
I started jumping a bit hesitantly, but soon enough I was jumping with energy, maybe putting too much energy in a jump. Everything was going fine until, for no reason at all, my legs started to loosen around Stella’s sides and my hands started to shake. My head started to spin a bit and I slowed Stella to a trot, almost to a walk. Memories of my disastrous past and Jack started to rush into my mind and a little voice started to whisper, but gradually starting to shout, words like: worthless, bitch, never good enough, fat. I completely stopped Stella and covered my face with my hands and started to shake and to cry. Stella kicked the ground like mad until I felt Oriol beside me, he put a hand on my knee and turned to someone. I started to see black spots in front me as my vision became blurry.
“María, calm down, breathe. Focus on your breathing.” Oriol said to me. I tried, but my lungs seemed to be blocked.
“Can you dismount by yourself or do you need help?” I nodded softly and removed my feet from the stirrups. I swinged my right leg behind Stella as my hands held on to the saddle for dear life whilst I touched the ground. Oriol put an arm around my waist and moved my arm over his shoulder and almost dragged me out of the arena, Stella following right beside me and pinning back her ears when someone tried to push her away from me.
I’ve had thousands of breakdowns in an arena, but never in a competition, so this was very strange and new and I was completely horrified. This time I was disqualified, but I wouldn’t care less, I was more concered about my mental health right now. Why did I break down like that? Even when I was training, they came smoothly and gradually got worse, but not like that. I felt like I wanted to die, even if I was enjoying the competition and I was afraid of losing myself like that again.
Maybe you should see a professional, María. Ha! Not in a million years. I’ve been there before and it doesn’t work. They’re friends for money and they give you crap advice, no, no and no! Not all of them give crap advice… Yeah, whatever. Last time I went to a psychologist I had to end up lying to her so she could let me live in peace, so no. Ok, do whatever you want, it’s your life.
Life? This felt like death, more than life. Every time closer to death. From the moment you were born you started dying, like a long and strange countdown. This wasn’t my life, this was the death of me. And the worst part was that I didn't know if I wanted to be saved or not, and you know what they say: you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

Notes

I think some of you guys want to kill me right now, but you'll have to wait a bit more until things settle down a bit. And don't worry, I'll put Jack's POV soon.
Oh and if you were wondering about that song mentioned at the beggining of the chapter, it's the same song of the title credit.
Let me know what you think? Maybe I won't reply to your comment, but I do read them.
Thanks for reading!

Title credit: Dark Paradise by Lana del Rey.