Dear María

It’s been two weeks since I saw Jack for the last time. We were heading Montpellier, where he guys had another show and also an extra day, so let’s say everything was going super amazing right now.
We stayed in a hotel two days before and were staying two more days. Stella was taken to Centre Equestre Montpellier Grammont, but this time she had to stay in an average stall instead of a paddock. She was next to a chestnut stallion called Loluim.
Being in such a small space (considdering how big she is) always made her a bit less tolerant with strangers and more over-protecting, also that made her be more likely to throw a kick here and there if she got frustated or tired of bullshit. That’s why I prefered her in a paddock, running around.
We were about to compete when I saw certain kunk-haired guy followed by eight men. Alex, Zack, Vic, Jaime, Austin, Tony, Mike and Alan.
“Next rider: María Mussons riding Stella”
I stepped into the arena and started to canter, doing two big circles before heading Stella to the first jump. Oh god, she was nervous and tense; something was going to happen. I pressed my legs tighter around her body as I took her to the first jump. She liked to lose herself between jumps, but today she was alert and seemed to be ready to kick anyone in the face.
When we jumped over the last obstacle she started to pin back her ears, suddenly someone from the crowd screamed:
“Just fucking kill yourself already!”
My muscles tightened but my face went white. That voice. Oh, no. Not here, please. Stella seemed to know who it was also, and galloped to where the voice was. A familiar was leaning over the fence and a smirk plastered on his face whilst he stared me with his cold brown eyes. Stella slowed down to a canter and as soon as he was behind us she stopped and took a few steps back. The worst part is Oriol and I knew nothing could stop her once she got this furious, although I doubt Oriol would’ve stopped her.
“Stella, no, get out of here” I ordered whilst she walked back. Please, Stella, don’t do this to me. I internally begged.
She pinned her ears completely back, touching her neck and jumped, head first and pulling her back legs as high as possible whilst I leaned back and held the reins. Shit. I heard someone scream and the devil itself gasp. My thoughts started to race whilst Stella cantered to the exit of the arena.
What the hell was he doing here? How did he know where I was? Why-? I didn’t notice some thick tears rolling down my face until I felt two strong arms around me. How did I get off Stella?
“Hey, hey, it’s gonna be okay, María. Breathe” Oriol half-begged, half-ordered me to do, softly. Stella was beside me, letting my right side lean against her body.
Oriol has been my horseback riding instructor since I was 13-14, when my parents were splitting and I was a self harming, depressed mess. He almost taught me how to breathe and take control of myself again and I considdered him almost my father. He was always there to help me, not only for equestrian stuff, but life lessons and such. He helped me to tame Stella, that’s why she had a minimum respect for him, helped me calm down when I fell down, helped me get back up and breathe. When I was almost 14, in our horse riding class everyone had an adjective we used as our nicknames; Adriana was the daring kid, the one who showed the horse who was in charge, Montserrat was the loving kid, always calling every single horse her “little plush”, and I was the brave kid, the one who got up after the falls, no matter how bad the fall was. Oriol always had faith in me, even when I was about to fall on my knees and cry my eyes out.
Oriol’s arms were substitued by a pair of lanky arms, still strong though and I buried my face into Jack’s neck. He seemed to look up at Oriol who, from the corner of my eye, I saw shaking his head a bit.
“Hey, baby, it’s fine, hey, look at me” Jack put his fingers under my chin and pulled me away a bit so I could look at him. Once I did, he continued, “I’m here, you’re safe” he pulled me close again, and I started to calm down and breathe properly again.
No, Jack, I’m not safe. I wanted to cry again, knowing what this really meant; I wasn’t safe because of (1) Mikel and (2) my own mind, and how can you run from something if it’s inside of you? Even if Mikel died, I would still have to keep runing from myself.
That’s why I fucking told you to stay away from Jack, you stupid whale! I told him I’d hurt him… He wasn’t listening to you! You should’ve insisted, pushed him away and dissapeared from his life, but NO! You’re so selfish, oh god… How are you gonna even explain this? I-I don’t know. Well, you’re lucky, I do know. No, please, don't tell me, I internally covered my ears, unsuccessfully. Push him away, build up some walls again and keep it all to yourself.
I looked up at Jack, tears threatening to fall from my eyes again. He had a sad, yet confused and worried expression on his face, like he was really scared of losing me right now. What have I done? I just fucked up his life. Well done, me!
Push him away, insist, dissapear from his life, build up walls, keep it all to yourself.
Yeah, I did it once, why not do it again? Less pain for everyone else, right?
Right.

Notes

Ok, so everytime we're getting closer to the dark side of the story, so next chapter will have a warning sign, I'm not sure how to label it, so I won't put of what you have to be careful with, but still, be careful. If there's abuse or smut I'll label it directly, but if it's some trigger warning thing I'll just but trigger warning, if that's okay with you guys.
Please comment, it really gives me motivation to write knowing you are enjoying this fanfiction!

Title credit: Lonely Girl by Tonight Alive.