SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING


*Alex's pov*

Me and Jay had been together for a month. He was my boyfriend. And I loved him with every ounce of my being, although I was yet to say those 3 words to him. I plan to, soon. It had to be special. I had not harmed myself at all since the day that I had the panic attack on stage. Things were pretty good. We were currently off tour and me and Jack were spending every moment of our time together. I would never got sick or bored of his company. We were yet to do anything major in the bedroom department. We had swapped hand jobs a few times but we wanted to take things slow. He had not seen the extent of the scarring on my legs, and it worried me how he would react. I had had some close calls to doing it again, but thinking of my amazing boyfriend made me put down the blade. I have up days, however I also have down days. But overall I am getting better. Unfortunately, today was not a good day for me. I just felt so numb, empty, tired and just plain crap. Everything had built up and I needed my release. Jay had just gone out shopping so wouldn't be back for an hour or so. I had time.

My fingers shook slightly, anticipation pulsing through my veins, as I got my friends out of their hiding place- in a rolled up pair of socks under my bed. I took my most favourite one, and it was held gingerly between my fingers. Breathe in. Breathe out. Okay. I placed it against my right thigh, which had less scars covering it. I closed my eyes and slashed. Again and again. I couldn't stop. I moved to the other thigh. It was pure bliss. I really couldn't stop. My hips were next, then both my wrists and fore arms. I slowed. minutes passed, as I sat there, listening to th sound of blood dripping to the ground. The bliss was wearing off. I opened my eyes. Crap. Holy fucking shit fucking bird shat shit crapping fuck. Okay. Lots of blood. Lots of cuts. Jay would notice. I went to get up. Nope. No can do. Too much blood loss- I am not closing my eyes next time I do this. I was going dizzy. I could see the extent of the depth of the cuts on my arms, my left arm seemed to have a severed artery, from which copious amounts of blood was pouring out. I fell to the floor.

A sound of the front door opening downstairs and a voice calling my name. Oh God. Not now. I heard his voice getting closer. I hadn't even close the bathroom door. My vision was blurring. There was a yell and I felt hands on my face, and saw Jack's face in front of mine.
"Lex" he whispered "I'll call 911. Holy shit Lex why did you do this?" I fell forward into his arms and my consciousness was fading.
"Alex don't you fucking close your eyes you gotta stay with me"
"Mmmm I love youu" my voice was slurred. So much for a special moment to tell him.
"I love you so fucking much don't you dare leave me" his voice was strangled.
"M-sorry"
"Open your eyes Lexy you gotta keep them open" but I couldn't. The last thing I saw was Jack's tear stained face, with the phone held to his ear, talking to emergency line.

Notes

Title credit: Lullabies by The Baes
Okay I normally gt v v annoyed with fanfics that make the harmer pass out from lack of blood after self harming as that is a very unlikely thing to happen, but then I was like oH HEY WHY TF NOT THIS IS FICTIONaL ANYWAY
so yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEe
Im so sorry i took ages to update, we have just adopted 3 cats, but we cant find one of the cats, shes been missing for about a day and im rly worried. ( The two cats that are left are called Bellatrix and Narcissa- ily if you get that reference)
but anyway i am nOT keen on my writing in this chapter, but hey, an update is an update, right?
Also, i have just noticed that i write very short chapters so ill try to make them longer in the future